Father's Day...terrible b/c of me..

I'm really sorry you went through this but I'll repeat what others have written that it's good you are communicating. In heightened emotional states you really don't have control when the pot will boil over so don't feel badly. What you said certainly shouldn't have been a surprise to him. The timing may not have been the best but the message to him was honest. If he was in denial about where things stand he needed to be reminded that there are still existential  problems with your marriage. 

I'm with wewbwb on this. Yes, you had a drunken meltdown. But, h's pain is no more or less "important" than yours, ggold. Be mindful of manipulation by tears/sadness/depression. You are an amazing, strong, confident, intelligent woman. You've got this. Hugs.

Just as an aside, the fact that you were drunk doesn't change the truth of what you said. You didn't get drunk and say things you don't mean. You got drunk and said things you've been trying to say for years.

And the manipulation has already started, by saying it's his fault. He's going to be saying a lot of things you want to hear in the next few weeks. He is going to poison you with hope.

This stuff has been inside you for ages. When you think about it, he has broken your heart. It's insane to expect you NOT to have an emotional reaction.

Yes it has @smartkat. My very best girlfriend who has known me for over 18 years has been sharing memories she has about our conversations early into our friendship. She remembers when I first opened up to her honestly about my marriage. That was about 10 years ago. She, however, knew that I was living in an unhappy marriage way before I admitted it to her that day. I have been feeling broken hearted for so, so long. Yet, I have only had a few emotional reactions towards him in all of these years. It's such a mindfuck because then I feel terrible about having the outburst and unleashing the truth that is in my heart. :-(

Sister gg.
Brother DryCreek makes a very valid point.
Your run of stories indicate that you had a confrontation with your spouse (your May 3 story), then a version of "The Talk" (your Jun 6 story), then a blow up (in this story).
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Your risk is, that each time you back off after taking things to the brink, you educate him not to take you seriously.
You "shred your cred". And that is not a good base to negotiate from.
He will figure (reasonably enough) that although you may have a meltdown, it will blow over, and there is no necessity on his part, to do anything other than wait you out.
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As DryCreek notes, this latest exchange marks the place where you move forward, or go backward.
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My only suggestion at this point is that you scrub any further discussion with him on the subject until such time as you have the i's dotted and the t's crossed in respect to the boring old things of legal advice / do-able exit strategy / support network / kids transition plan etc.... and are ready to do whatever is necessary.

For sure DC.
There does't seem to be much likelyhood of this being a mutually agreed divorce, with gg and spouse working collaboratively toward that end.
So the least chances "Mr gg" gets to be obstructive, the better.
Shine him on, keep him in the dark seems the way forward.

I wish I could agree with you here, but I think you are underestimating just how severe the reaction can be when you "pull the rug out" from under a refuser.  I thought things would go well with my STBX - after all we had been a good "team" for years in raising our kids, working up to buying a nice house, etc.  Instead, I walked into a nightmare.  If I hadn't already had a lawyer and been completely clear on what my rights were, he would have walked all over me.  Not only that, being prepared allowed me to be able to stand my ground firmly even when he hit me with manipulation and guilt.  And I did see it as being prepared versus being sneaky.

And truthfully, how many refusers really think their marriage is on solid ground?  Haven't THEY just been pretending everything is okay?  How many of them are asking their spouses why they are unhappy or making any effort to modify their own behavior?  If they can go blindly through their lives thinking everything is fine and then be surprised when they are informed of a divorce, then I doubt any deep and meaningful conversations are going to suddenly develop after years of ignoring their spouse's misery.  I know my STBX was not surprised when I told him I was divorcing him.  And he STILL fought back with every trick in his bag, even after admitting that we had "been going different ways for years."

And no, I don't think you're soft.  I just think you have a different relationship with your wife from what many of us have experienced.  At least your wife is willing to actually work in therapy and cares that you have been unhappy.  Many of us are facing/have faced a very different reality.  That's why there's no "one size fits all" approach.  But after what I've been through, I do recommend the more cautious approach recommended by Baz and Dry Creek.  It doesn't close the door to being able to really communicate and work together afterward, but it does give you a little protection if your spouse decides to take the low road.