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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2024 16:22:34 GMT -5
medium.com/@drpsychmom/4-things-men-look-for-in-women-post-divorce-26e318ebd503
4 Things Men Look For In Women Post-Divorce
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten (Dr. Psych Mom)After reading this post on how women like more sensitive men after divorce, a reader asked how men’s priorities and preferences change when they are looking for partners post-divorce. Comparing my clients before/during their first marriage and after divorce/in their second marriage, I have observed a few key ways that men’s priorities shift after divorce. This post can be useful intel for women looking to find love again the second time around. My seven year old son just came over and asked what I was writing about, and I said, “What men look for in women. What do you think men look for in women?” And he said, “To look good, and be nice.” This sums up a lot of what men want post-divorce, so I will put these two first.
1. Look good.No man is expecting a supermodel for a second wife unless he is an LA film producer. However, most men are not willing to settle for anyone they are not deeply attracted to, and I certainly think this is the right idea for both men and women. Men who are into fitness seem to very much value that quality in a partner, particularly if they were incompatible on this dimension with their ex. Men value a woman who dresses up for seeing him, especially if they felt their ex was a roommate in sweats all the time. Of course, I hear the same from women, who want a man who takes pride in his appearance if they felt their ex was a slob.
2. Be nice.Nice, to men, usually means physically and verbally affectionate. Most men do not initiate their divorces, so they were likely in a marriage for years with a partner who was feeling more and more upset or distant. They have not experienced praise or affection in a marriage in a long time, and more than anything, they want someone who can openly express delight, appreciation, and later, love and desire. They want someone who laughs at their jokes and basically does everything in this guest post. Being nice to his kids is also necessary, but most men do not expect someone who takes on the mother role if their kids have one already.
3. Enjoy sex and touchingThe majority of men deeply value the love language of physical touch. If their wife condescended to this love language, and physical affection was very scarce, these men want a woman who values sex and touch in general. No man wants to get into a sexual desert in two marriages in a row, so a partner with a high libido and/or who directly states that she values the sexual component of the relationship and wants to prioritize it and spend time and energy on it is the holy grail for second wives.
4. Don’t be anxiousIn the cases I’ve seen where the man initiates divorce, which, as I’ve said, is much rarer than the converse, it is because the woman’s anxiety and rigidity felt increasingly and intolerably constricting and stressful. This ranges from anxiety about the kids to constantly feeling overwhelmed and stressed to perfectionism. Any untreated and unacknowledged anxiety disorder, especially when coupled with a very rigid worldview, becomes extremely difficult to live with. Men in this position also fear that their kids will be raised to fear the world if their mother teaches them this negativistic perspective. In their second marriages, most men really value openmindedness and cognitive flexibility. There you have it, the four main things that men value in a second marriage. If you’re a woman out on the market, you can use this post to spur you to work on any issues with anxiety, which is the main one out of these that can be changed and isn’t a core tenet of your personality. (In contrast, if you don’t like sex and touching and you are dating divorced men, you’re old enough to know this ain’t gonna change, and you need to find a lower libido man, and these do exist!) Godspeed, second-time-around daters, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Is In A Second Marriage Success Story!
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Post by isthisit on Feb 1, 2024 17:47:57 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7.
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Post by week5of35years on Feb 2, 2024 4:05:39 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. At 7 my boy would have said "someone who is good at Nerf gunning...." |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 5, 2024 5:06:50 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. Is it horrific the child thinks this is true, and it isn't? Or that he thinks it's true, it is, and he's aware of that truth at such a tender age? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 12, 2024 7:11:59 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. Is it horrific the child thinks this is true, and it isn't? Or that he thinks it's true, it is, and he's aware of that truth at such a tender age? He's aware of the truth, because he sees mommy taking time to "look good" for dad, with her make up, exercising, and getting dressed up for a date. The seven yr. old also gets to see mommy treat daddy nicely when they're together at the house, on trips, etc... My now ex, wore make up and nice clothes when me first met, at church settings and events. After the marriage? Never any make up, and dressed very manly..,gained about 70 more pounds and stayed that way! For the past year and half I'm very active in my "dance community" people dress to the max, stay very physically fit, ( pretty) and follow rules of etiquette ( social and nice!) More of what I'm looking for, the second time around! ( and what I brought to the table in my first marriage....but it was rejected and discarded) |
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 12, 2024 8:59:02 GMT -5
He's aware of the truth, because he sees mommy taking time to "look good" for dad, with her make up, exercising, and getting dressed up for a date. The seven yr. old also gets to see mommy treat daddy nicely when they're together at the house, on trips, etc... My now ex, wore make up and nice clothes when me first met, at church settings and events. After the marriage? Never any make up, and dressed very manly..,gained about 70 more pounds and stayed that way! For the past year and half I'm very active in my "dance community" people dress to the max, stay very physically fit, ( pretty) and follow rules of etiquette ( social and nice!) More of what I'm looking for, the second time around! ( and what I brought to the table in my first marriage....but it was rejected and discarded) I can understand relaxing a bit but id see so many who just do not have ANY give a crap about their appearance figuring a marriage is a life sentence in prison..... I can not see how they can look in a mirror and see 70 lbs extra and say it is all good dress like crap and let themselves go ..... spouse does not mind ...smh Especially is spouse is fit and in a active hobby like dancing ........ This does happen with men as well...... as soon as my spouse gets home he takes off his office clothes puts on over sized sweats and stained tee- shirt ..... BUT IF we need to run to store he puts on slacks/ jeans and nice polo type shirt........ so the cashier at a store and general public ....... is more important then me to look decent for. Does not shave looks scruffy but if we had some place to go he shaves... I spoke up about it he took it all wrong and said i was insane he was not shopping for a cashier GF .... wanted to say speaking for all cashiers: they are thrilled he is not available lmao totally missed the point that he does all he can to be unattractive to me and i guess that is so he can in his head say the no -sex thing is ME if he had any friends i wonder if he would lie saying i am frigid or lie about some athletic sex encounters. |
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Feb 12, 2024 17:26:30 GMT -5
He's aware of the truth, because he sees mommy taking time to "look good" for dad, with her make up, exercising, and getting dressed up for a date. The seven yr. old also gets to see mommy treat daddy nicely when they're together at the house, on trips, etc... My now ex, wore make up and nice clothes when me first met, at church settings and events. After the marriage? Never any make up, and dressed very manly..,gained about 70 more pounds and stayed that way! For the past year and half I'm very active in my "dance community" people dress to the max, stay very physically fit, ( pretty) and follow rules of etiquette ( social and nice!) More of what I'm looking for, the second time around! ( and what I brought to the table in my first marriage....but it was rejected and discarded) I can understand relaxing a bit but id see so many who just do not have ANY give a crap about their appearance figuring a marriage is a life sentence in prison..... I can not see how they can look in a mirror and see 70 lbs extra and say it is all good dress like crap and let themselves go ..... spouse does not mind ...smh Especially is spouse is fit and in a active hobby like dancing ........ This does happen with men as well...... as soon as my spouse gets home he takes off his office clothes puts on over sized sweats and stained tee- shirt ..... BUT IF we need to run to store he puts on slacks/ jeans and nice polo type shirt........ so the cashier at a store and general public ....... is more important then me to look decent for. Does not shave looks scruffy but if we had some place to go he shaves... I spoke up about it he took it all wrong and said i was insane he was not shopping for a cashier GF .... wanted to say speaking for all cashiers: they are thrilled he is not available lmao totally missed the point that he does all he can to be unattractive to me and i guess that is so he can in his head say the no -sex thing is ME if he had any friends i wonder if he would lie saying i am frigid or lie about some athletic sex encounters. That last line forms an interesting aside: What do they say about us on their own time? When I was incurring some of her more consistently intense wrath, I know that she had confided in an old friend. According to her, there was a serious problem, and it was very much mine. More recently, she bluffs in the other direction, as I understand it. If her conversations turn to her intimate life, then the details are nothing more than select epochs from the distant past dressed up as current events. |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 13, 2024 18:02:33 GMT -5
Is it horrific the child thinks this is true, and it isn't? Or that he thinks it's true, it is, and he's aware of that truth at such a tender age? He's aware of the truth, because he sees mommy taking time to "look good" for dad, with her make up, exercising, and getting dressed up for a date. Seeing mummy taking time to look good for daddy? Is daddy taking time to look good for mummy? I think it more likely she’s looking good for herself and her own self esteem. That’s the “truth” for every woman I know. |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 13, 2024 18:03:12 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. At 7 my boy would have said "someone who is good at Nerf gunning...." You raised that boy with fine priorities. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 17, 2024 21:52:51 GMT -5
I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. No way do I believe a kid of seven said "to look good". More likely a fabrication serving as a segue. On the other hand, the list is so common sense, the kid might have written 1 through 3. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 18, 2024 6:58:01 GMT -5
is this it: "I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. "
why would it not be considered normal for men and women to want partners whom they find attractive and who take the time to look good for them? Who wants to be with a slob of a partner whom one finds hard to look at?
The article very clearly said that men aren't looking for supermodels but for someone whom they find appealing to look at. That's just common sense. If you were to date someone would you want to date someone whose face or body repelled you or who looked like they made no effort to look good for a date?
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Apr 18, 2024 7:16:08 GMT -5
As I have gotten older I have been attracted to woman who are confident in them selves and not just looks. One that knows what she wants and goes after it is very important to me now.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Apr 18, 2024 8:45:08 GMT -5
is this it: "I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. " why would it not be considered normal for men and women to want partners whom they find attractive and who take the time to look good for them? Who wants to be with a slob of a partner whom one finds hard to look at? The article very clearly said that men aren't looking for supermodels but for someone whom they find appealing to look at. That's just common sense. If you were to date someone would you want to date someone whose face or body repelled you or who looked like they made no effort to look good for a date? I feel I have gone down this path with my marriage after getting rejected so much. Felt no worth after feeling I wasn't attracted anymore. I now know my worth and this past year have been staying clean shaven and dress up a little if I go to a simple dinner with my daughters or any other simple outing to the store or wherever. Confidence is slowly coming back. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 19, 2024 5:39:49 GMT -5
is this it: "I am trying not to be horrified that her seven year old child perceives a priority to men is how a woman looks. My kids had better values at 7. " why would it not be considered normal for men and women to want partners whom they find attractive and who take the time to look good for them? Who wants to be with a slob of a partner whom one finds hard to look at? The article very clearly said that men aren't looking for supermodels but for someone whom they find appealing to look at. That's just common sense. If you were to date someone would you want to date someone whose face or body repelled you or who looked like they made no effort to look good for a date? Excatly The seven year old is reporting what he sees as reality. I don't presume he places a value judgement upon it. Water is wet. The sun is bright. Men want to be with women with symmetrical faces, slimmer figure, long hair, clear complexion, and on the bustier side. (stereotypes run amok) That's what his eyes tell him from what he sees on TV and probably the real world matches well enough. 7 year olds have an opinion about the "prettiest girl in class". Beauty is pleasant / good. Horrifying? It's an observation of the obvious in all it's sexist, superficial glory...but the child isn't responsible for it, and it would be worrisome if he did not have an inkling about the shallow side of pair bonding, even if we have the wisdom to value other things more. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 19, 2024 13:04:22 GMT -5
mirrorchid: "
Horrifying? It's an observation of the obvious in all it's sexist, superficial glory...but the child isn't responsible for it, and it would be worrisome if he did not have an inkling about the shallow side of pair bonding, even if we have the wisdom to value other things more."
There's nothing shallow about wanting a romantic partner whom one finds pleasant to look at. It's very rare for people to not take looks into consideration when looking for a romantic partner. The exceptions are some asexuals. One of my sons is asexual and looks are of no importance when it comes to his attraction to others. At the same time, while he can be attracted to people in a nonsexual way, he feels no sexual attraction to anyone. Incidentally, he is handsome and I've seen women turn their heads to look at him. He thinks that I'm shallow because looks are part of what makes people romantically attractive to me. He is 36 and has never dated. He has very good platonic friends. He seems perfectly happy not having a partner.
There's nothing sexist or superficial about having preferences when it comes to the type of people one finds attractive. Not all men are attracted to thin women with long hair. There are cultures in which women whom many of us would consider grossly overweight are the beauty standard. There a cultures in which long necks are considered very sexy. There are culltures in which small breasts are considered more attractive than large ones. There also are many different individual preferences within cultures.
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