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Post by aquacat on Jan 11, 2024 17:14:39 GMT -5
17. Schedule sex. I don’t know how many times after an argument about this how often she suggests we schedule it. It lasts maybe a week at best. She even put it on our shared calendar and I just deleted it because I don’t need the constant reminder of how little she cares about it. Scheduling sex restarted our sex life. Jes' sayin'... I was hoping for the same but with several years of trying with this it's always the same result for us. |
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Post by flounder on Jan 13, 2024 20:01:33 GMT -5
This was a response from my now X during one of the discussions we had about the poor state of intimacy in our marriage. Same. Not the ex part,but the conversation part. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 15, 2024 7:14:11 GMT -5
Scheduling sex restarted our sex life. Jes' sayin'... I was hoping for the same but with several years of trying with this it's always the same result for us. After this past weekend, it seems you are the one scheduling sex. She is the one un-scheduling it. Would she like to pick two days a month where she's going to make her best go at it. No starfish. Then pick two fallbacks in case those days she's too tired. If she's tired for teh day chosen and teh fallback, she'll use the next calendar day for a doctor's appointment to become less tired because it's not normal to be perpetually exhausted. Or, don't do any of that and start the process of building a life that doesn't involve her in preparation for decisions #2 or #3. If you opt for #1, stay and accept celibacy, no harm done. You can be contemplating a monk lifestyle while preparing for escape. A fully fleshed out social circle and life is compatible with all three. You're kicking the can down the road, but not opening options. If you have options, and choose a celibate marriage, you may find that celibate marriage to be far less miserable than when you have no options and are trapped there. |
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 31, 2024 9:44:45 GMT -5
i just listened to a podcast about fighting with partner and affairs or thinking about one....
This is comedy to me as these " experts" have zero real life experience ..........they glean info from their clients and think they have answers never following up as seeing WHY dumb suggestions do NOT work.
The woman, Her name is Esther Perel, said when someone cheats it is not about their partner holding back or making you feel like crap ....it is the potential cheater being a different person with the person they flirt with etc
so blame a person who is seeking out intimacy elsewhere not the refusers fault at all LMAO
she suggested being the fun person you would be with a AP to your spouse ........ Like do these "experts" really think we have not tried this .... i tried all the stuff compliments/ send suggestive texts dressing up for him etc........
FLIRTING to be successful takes 2 people .... he is not contributing.. experts like this i would like to just smack sometimes.
i flirt with a friend and he tells me That I am sexy beautiful funny etc ......
but if ONLY i was like that with spouse it would be all good.....LOL.........
do not know if i am mad at her garbage advice or i wasted 20 minutes listening....
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 31, 2024 9:58:04 GMT -5
i just listened to a podcast about fighting with partner and affairs or thinking about one.... This is comedy to me as these " experts" have zero real life experience ..........they glean info from their clients and think they have answers never following up as seeing WHY dumb suggestions do NOT work. The woman, Her name is Esther Perel, said when someone cheats it is not about their partner holding back or making you feel like crap ....it is the potential cheater being a different person with the person they flirt with etc so blame a person who is seeking out intimacy elsewhere not the refusers fault at all LMAO she suggested being the fun person you would be with a AP to your spouse ........ Like do these "experts" really think we have not tried this .... i tried all the stuff compliments/ send suggestive texts dressing up for him etc........ FLIRTING to be successful takes 2 people .... he is not contributing.. experts like this i would like to just smack sometimes. i flirt with a friend and he tells me That I am sexy beautiful funny etc ...... but if ONLY i was like that with spouse it would be all good.....LOL......... do not know if i am mad at her garbage advice or i wasted 20 minutes listening.... I really resonate with what you said here. It takes two and if one person refuses to participate you can't force them to participate and if you try to it just makes you feel worse about your own self. I was thinking about starting a new thread but I don't exactly know how to approach it but you might have an idea. I keep thinking about every time I hear someone talking about "the cheater". No one ever talks about the refuser and how they leave the marriage but under this protective illusion that they are participatory. The person who steps out in marriage gets all the moral degradation and social chastising. I'm feeling like we're in agreement that this is wrong only we can't change the world's opinion about it. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 1, 2024 6:37:51 GMT -5
....when someone cheats it is not about their partner holding back or making you feel like crap ....it is the potential cheater being a different person with the person they flirt with etc so blame a person who is seeking out intimacy elsewhere not the refusers fault at all LMAO she suggested being the fun person you would be with a AP to your spouse ........ Like do these "experts" really think we have not tried this .... i tried all the stuff compliments/ send suggestive texts dressing up for him etc........ FLIRTING to be successful takes 2 people .... he is not contributing.. experts like this i would like to just smack sometimes. i flirt with a friend and he tells me That I am sexy beautiful funny etc ...... but if ONLY i was like that with spouse it would be all good.....LOL......... do not know if i am mad at her garbage advice or i wasted 20 minutes listening.... I heard a very similar Perel interview, but she was explaining the drive to seek out variety, not to a refuser, but to someone wishing to adapt to his wife's polyamory dabbling. She reminded the wife that her husband was capable of igniting self-exploration too and to remember to use this newfound discovery of her own sensuality to enhance her marriage. This husband was not a refuser. This interview sounded more like the husband struggling with feelings of rejection (I'm not enough) and I found Perel and the wife to be dismissive of profound pain from breaking with society's paradigm. I'd be more critical but there are so few people out there discussing alternative's to the one size fits all pictures of marriage universally bandied about that I cannot condemn Perel's useful, but clumsy efforts. |
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 1, 2024 8:59:07 GMT -5
"I'd be more critical but there are so few people out there discussing alternative's to the one size fits all pictures of marriage universally bandied about that I cannot condemn Perel's useful, but clumsy efforts." said Mirrororchid
I reflected and see that there is no one size fits all and she most likely was not dealing with refusers....
listened to the rest of her part of a podcast (she was the guest on this podcast).... very different ideas that I am not sure are sound .....
i guess in her actual therapy sessions she would have couples lay on the floor looking up at ceiling then having the discussion as it is hard to fight when in this position..... she said facing each other standing or sitting people take a defensive stance you cannot do laying flat on your back.
It seems that she says marriage counseling is broke into thirds ... 1/3 one person is checked out already/ 1/3 just doing the counseling to show divorce court or family " they tried" / and only 1/3 that both want to try...... being that this is her profession that is a very telling assessment.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 1, 2024 10:45:11 GMT -5
I find Esther to be a good and charismatic speaker - but says very little that is substantial.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 9, 2024 19:41:37 GMT -5
Here is my number one: "Watch this podcast."
No podcast or marriage "expert" ever got me laid in my SM. Nor did they make me feel any better about not getting laid.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 9, 2024 21:05:58 GMT -5
Here is my number one: "Watch this podcast." No podcast or marriage "expert" ever got me laid in my SM. Nor did they make me feel any better about not getting laid. I am in the boat with deadzone75. I read numerous articles and studies back when I was searching for the "why". And I attempted to follow much of the advise given. But none of it ever got me laid or even close, far as I could tell. Like toughtiger postulated, i also think most of the "experts" are speaking about or to couples who want to find a fix to their problems. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 9, 2024 23:13:53 GMT -5
Yep, same here. I was really hoping the dead bedroom fix would have done it but his advice backfired on me.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 9, 2024 23:15:15 GMT -5
Here is my number one: "Watch this podcast." No podcast or marriage "expert" ever got me laid in my SM. Nor did they make me feel any better about not getting laid. I am in the boat with deadzone75. I read numerous articles and studies back when I was searching for the "why". And I attempted to follow much of the advise given. But none of it ever got me laid or even close, far as I could tell. Like toughtiger postulated, i also think most of the "experts" are speaking about or to couples who want to find a fix to their problems. Yup. If there is a mutual interest to fix things, sure. Otherwise it is the equivalent of asking your refuser if they want to watch a porno with you. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 11, 2024 12:28:20 GMT -5
Just had a lecture from some Woman on You Tube comments - she is happily married with 3 kids - and sex is NEVER a need, it's a want and expecting sex in marriage as a need is toddler level thinking.
I hate people somedays. I thanked her for proving my point about invalidation of others needs regarding sex. Asked her to not hug her children when they "need" it also - would she do that. Of course I am selfish because I want sex and touch in my relationship. I really, truly despise people who are so dismissive of others needs.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Feb 11, 2024 13:21:22 GMT -5
Just had a lecture from some Woman on You Tube comments - she is happily married with 3 kids - and sex is NEVER a need, it's a want and expecting sex in marriage as a need is toddler level thinking. I hate people somedays. I thanked her for proving my point about invalidation of others needs regarding sex. Asked her to not hug her children when they "need" it also - would she do that. Of course I am selfish because I want sex and touch in my relationship. I really, truly despise people who are so dismissive of others needs. Wow that is crazy!!!! |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 11, 2024 14:51:44 GMT -5
Toxic Misandry at its finest
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