On the surface it looks perfect .....
Jun 14, 2016 14:23:22 GMT -5
JMX, Casiyessie, and 3 more like this
Post by iceman on Jun 14, 2016 14:23:22 GMT -5
Hello everybody. I'm a newbie here. From what I've been reading my story seems to be pretty typical. That's comforting and sad at the same time. It's comforting to know that my situation, which I've been dealing with alone, is not unique. It's really sad to think that there are so many in my situation to some degree.
Anyway, here's my story. I've married to my current wife for 19 years. We have 2 children in high school. Really good kids. Nice house. Relatively comfortable financially. On the surface we look perfect. However, the reason I'm here is that my wife and I are not intimate in pretty much any way, physically or emotionally. I realize they go hand in hand. Physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy and vice versa but neither is happening. I'd like to say that we were intimate at one time and we lost our way but the truth is that I don't think we ever were. Sure, before we were married and early on after we were married we had a sex life of sorts. It was never very satisfying for me but at least it existed. What I consider good sex apparently is different from what my wife considers good sex. Or maybe, and probably more likely, she thinks of sex as something she had to do to have children and do it often enough to placate me after the kids so I didn't become to upset. I'm a very sexual person. I crave physical contact, especially with somebody I love. I'm open to about anything at least once. My wife - not so much. I can count the number of times on one hand that she has initiated sex. And by initiated I mean she let me know that if I wanted to she would be agreeable to sex. As you can imagine what happened after such alluring come-ons was pretty pathetic. Not exactly starfish sex but usually pretty close. She always seemed repressed. I know of nothing in her past that would contribute to this. No abuse or anything.
It started going downhill shortly after we married. Actually, it was going downhill before but for some unknown reason I went through with the marriage anyway. What was I thinking?!?! I've come to the conclusion that we had no business getting married in the first place but here we are. I expected our marriage to be a lifelong love affair. I would have been happy being poor and in love. Apparently, her idea of marriage was more practical. She sees marriage in terms of kids, a house, money, etc. I have no problem with any of that. I just need the in love part of the relationship. The part where we can't keep our clothes on and our hands off of each other. She doesn't need or expect that part and finds the whole thing troublesome.
In the last 5 years or so the descent to sexlessness picked up steam to the point were we are virtually sexless. We have sex twice in the last 2 1/2 years. Both times initiated by me. Both times completely unsatisfactory. It was obvious she had no desire for it. In her mind she was doing me a favor. After the last time, I had had enough. I was no longer going to beg for sex. I was done. It's not been an issue but if she truly initiated I would try but I've lost all desire for her and really don't know if I could even get it up for her. Something snapped in me. I really, really want to have sex, really good sex, just not with her.
This is my second marriage. My first wife and I had a very satisfying sex life. Lots of sex. Energetic, kinky sex. I really miss that part of the marriage. The other parts weren't so good which is why we divorced. Nothing terrible, just not enough to stay together. Her idea I admit. We'd probably still be married if she hadn't dumped me. Just goes to show you that sex alone can't keep a marriage alive. Seemed like a lot more fun though.
i can say that I still love my wife. I'm just not in love with her. If she'd be honest I think she'd say the same thing about me. She says she misses me when I'm gone. I keep thinking 'Why?'. At this point I'm no picnic to be around. I've gone past anger to indifference. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She is who she is and she's not going to change. And she shouldn't have to. She should be able to be who she is. It's one thing to make accommodations for your spouse. Everybody in a good marriage does that. It's quite another thing to change the fundamental way you are. Nobody should do that. If one finds out that you and your spouse are too far apart the mature and right thing to do is to part ways. Easy to say, tough to actually do.
I feel stuck. I've thought about divorce. I've thought about outsourcing, though I have to admit I'm not sure how to line up a partner for that even if I wanted to. I'm not sure outsourcing is for me. It would probably be fun for awhile but it would probably lead to more pain than it's worth. Might be fun to try however. I go back and forth on the subject.
Right now I stay in the marriage because of my kids and for financial reasons. I'd really like to stay until they are away to college. I like to think that we put up a good front and they don't realize how bad things are. The truth is that they may not know exactly what's going on but they know something is not right. I worry that staying together is showing them a really bad example of what marriage is. Maybe the better example would be to split up and show them it's okay to do so when a relationship just isn't working. I'd hate to see them stuck in a bad marriage and look to the example of their parents to stay together regardless of how bad it is.
Financially, I'm the sole source of income. My wife has a masters degree and had a very good corporate job when we decided she would quit to be a stay at home mom about 10 years ago. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Now, it seems like the worst idea ever. We're on track for a relatively comfortable retirement. We're certainly not wealthy but I don't think I'll have to bag groceries at the supermarket after I retire either. Splitting assets would put a serious kink in that plan for both of us. Then there's the whole issue of spousal support. That scares me more than anything. I don't know how that would play out. I really should get some legal advice.
All in all, I think I'm screwed.
So, that's me. I'm sorry I've rambled on for so long. I just needed get it off my chest to 'tell' somebody. Any advice or perspectives are welcome.
Thanks for reading.
Anyway, here's my story. I've married to my current wife for 19 years. We have 2 children in high school. Really good kids. Nice house. Relatively comfortable financially. On the surface we look perfect. However, the reason I'm here is that my wife and I are not intimate in pretty much any way, physically or emotionally. I realize they go hand in hand. Physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy and vice versa but neither is happening. I'd like to say that we were intimate at one time and we lost our way but the truth is that I don't think we ever were. Sure, before we were married and early on after we were married we had a sex life of sorts. It was never very satisfying for me but at least it existed. What I consider good sex apparently is different from what my wife considers good sex. Or maybe, and probably more likely, she thinks of sex as something she had to do to have children and do it often enough to placate me after the kids so I didn't become to upset. I'm a very sexual person. I crave physical contact, especially with somebody I love. I'm open to about anything at least once. My wife - not so much. I can count the number of times on one hand that she has initiated sex. And by initiated I mean she let me know that if I wanted to she would be agreeable to sex. As you can imagine what happened after such alluring come-ons was pretty pathetic. Not exactly starfish sex but usually pretty close. She always seemed repressed. I know of nothing in her past that would contribute to this. No abuse or anything.
It started going downhill shortly after we married. Actually, it was going downhill before but for some unknown reason I went through with the marriage anyway. What was I thinking?!?! I've come to the conclusion that we had no business getting married in the first place but here we are. I expected our marriage to be a lifelong love affair. I would have been happy being poor and in love. Apparently, her idea of marriage was more practical. She sees marriage in terms of kids, a house, money, etc. I have no problem with any of that. I just need the in love part of the relationship. The part where we can't keep our clothes on and our hands off of each other. She doesn't need or expect that part and finds the whole thing troublesome.
In the last 5 years or so the descent to sexlessness picked up steam to the point were we are virtually sexless. We have sex twice in the last 2 1/2 years. Both times initiated by me. Both times completely unsatisfactory. It was obvious she had no desire for it. In her mind she was doing me a favor. After the last time, I had had enough. I was no longer going to beg for sex. I was done. It's not been an issue but if she truly initiated I would try but I've lost all desire for her and really don't know if I could even get it up for her. Something snapped in me. I really, really want to have sex, really good sex, just not with her.
This is my second marriage. My first wife and I had a very satisfying sex life. Lots of sex. Energetic, kinky sex. I really miss that part of the marriage. The other parts weren't so good which is why we divorced. Nothing terrible, just not enough to stay together. Her idea I admit. We'd probably still be married if she hadn't dumped me. Just goes to show you that sex alone can't keep a marriage alive. Seemed like a lot more fun though.
i can say that I still love my wife. I'm just not in love with her. If she'd be honest I think she'd say the same thing about me. She says she misses me when I'm gone. I keep thinking 'Why?'. At this point I'm no picnic to be around. I've gone past anger to indifference. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She is who she is and she's not going to change. And she shouldn't have to. She should be able to be who she is. It's one thing to make accommodations for your spouse. Everybody in a good marriage does that. It's quite another thing to change the fundamental way you are. Nobody should do that. If one finds out that you and your spouse are too far apart the mature and right thing to do is to part ways. Easy to say, tough to actually do.
I feel stuck. I've thought about divorce. I've thought about outsourcing, though I have to admit I'm not sure how to line up a partner for that even if I wanted to. I'm not sure outsourcing is for me. It would probably be fun for awhile but it would probably lead to more pain than it's worth. Might be fun to try however. I go back and forth on the subject.
Right now I stay in the marriage because of my kids and for financial reasons. I'd really like to stay until they are away to college. I like to think that we put up a good front and they don't realize how bad things are. The truth is that they may not know exactly what's going on but they know something is not right. I worry that staying together is showing them a really bad example of what marriage is. Maybe the better example would be to split up and show them it's okay to do so when a relationship just isn't working. I'd hate to see them stuck in a bad marriage and look to the example of their parents to stay together regardless of how bad it is.
Financially, I'm the sole source of income. My wife has a masters degree and had a very good corporate job when we decided she would quit to be a stay at home mom about 10 years ago. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Now, it seems like the worst idea ever. We're on track for a relatively comfortable retirement. We're certainly not wealthy but I don't think I'll have to bag groceries at the supermarket after I retire either. Splitting assets would put a serious kink in that plan for both of us. Then there's the whole issue of spousal support. That scares me more than anything. I don't know how that would play out. I really should get some legal advice.
All in all, I think I'm screwed.
So, that's me. I'm sorry I've rambled on for so long. I just needed get it off my chest to 'tell' somebody. Any advice or perspectives are welcome.
Thanks for reading.
