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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 13:10:13 GMT -5
Wow, all this talk of love languages is hitting really close to home for me as well. We talked extensively about that during our premarital counseling but I don't think she remembers or maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that my love language includes physical contact, affection, and intimacy. Or she might just think (again) that makes me "weird" and"needy."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 13:12:54 GMT -5
I totally wish I could understand any love language she has.... but she seems to use the same signals for multiple things....! How do I figure anything out...?
I think her language is one only she understands because it only revolves around her.....
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 13:13:18 GMT -5
Wow, all this talk of love languages is hitting really close to home for me as well. We talked extensively about that during our premarital counseling but I don't think she remembers or maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that my love language includes physical contact, affection, and intimacy. Or she might just think (again) that makes me "weird" and"needy." But both of you have needs. In a marriage, both people's needs are supposed to matter. And, when somebody calls you "needy," why don't you reply with this: "I'm needy because my needs aren't being met." |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 13:16:31 GMT -5
Wow, all this talk of love languages is hitting really close to home for me as well. We talked extensively about that during our premarital counseling but I don't think she remembers or maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that my love language includes physical contact, affection, and intimacy. Or she might just think (again) that makes me "weird" and"needy." But both of you have needs. In a marriage, both people's needs are supposed to matter. And, when somebody calls you "needy," why don't you reply with this: "I'm needy because my needs aren't being met." Now there's a zinger I want to use!... But she would storm off mad and be a bear to deal with for a few days.... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 16, 2016 13:20:03 GMT -5
Now there's a zinger I want to use!... But she would storm off mad and be a bear to deal with for a few days.... Or you can bite your tongue and bear it out a few more years. Your choice. Of course, more important than throwing (well-deserved) barbs should be the conversation it leads to. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 13:20:34 GMT -5
@smartkat, love it! It hasn't come up in months, but when it does next, I'll definitely use that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 13:28:57 GMT -5
Now there's a zinger I want to use!... But she would storm off mad and be a bear to deal with for a few days.... Or you can bite your tongue and bear it out a few more years. Your choice. Of course, more important than throwing (well-deserved) barbs should be the conversation it leads to. For me I think it would lead more to the conversation about how 5+ years of rejection has made it hard for me to see her in a sexual way and it's going to take a real effort to reverse this effect. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2016 13:38:30 GMT -5
When I tried those playful things she turned into a statue and there was no response. Later she would tell me that she didn't want to respond because she was worried that I would expect sex. That sort of said it all. I know longer even make the attempt. There's only so much rejection that I can endure. And that played right into her hand! You gave her how many more years of " not bringing up the subject" while she carries on like she has done nothing wrong, it's all about more selfish taking, and zero giving. google the words " manipulative controller". |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 16, 2016 13:58:58 GMT -5
For me I think it would lead more to the conversation about how 5+ years of rejection has made it hard for me to see her in a sexual way and it's going to take a real effort to reverse this effect. Even that would be a good conversation. "This has gone on so long that I no longer see you sexually, as my wife - instead, I see you merely as a roommate / business partner / co-parent. Marriage isn't integral to any of those forms of relationship." |
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Post by iceman on Jun 16, 2016 14:10:17 GMT -5
i can say that I still love my wife. I'm just not in love with her. If she'd be honest I think she'd say the same thing about me. She says she misses me when I'm gone. I keep thinking 'Why?'. At this point I'm no picnic to be around. I've gone past anger to indifference. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She is who she is and she's not going to change. And she shouldn't have to. She should be able to be who she is. It's one thing to make accommodations for your spouse. Everybody in a good marriage does that. It's quite another thing to change the fundamental way you are. Nobody should do that. If one finds out that you and your spouse are too far apart the mature and right thing to do is to part ways. Easy to say, tough to actually do. I feel stuck. I've thought about divorce. I've thought about outsourcing, though I have to admit I'm not sure how to line up a partner for that even if I wanted to. I'm not sure outsourcing is for me. It would probably be fun for awhile but it would probably lead to more pain than it's worth. Might be fun to try however. I go back and forth on the subject. I don't know if I can say I love my husband. I am not in love with him. I care about him a lot. He's the father of my kids and my partner. I thought he'd say the same about me, but he still says he loves me. He says he cannot accept the way I feel and the way things are between us now. I've been disrespectful to him and rude, but I'm trying to control my anger. I said I don't want to be that way, especially for the kids. He won't change and, you are right, he should not have to. He is who he is. We are now too far apart. We will never be intimate again. I do not feel that way towards him anymore and have not for a long time. Stuck. Yes! Very. I said the words to him that we need to think about separating/divorcing. I think he refuses to really hear these words, he won't let them become his reality. I outsourced one night. Leading up to the event, my nerves were shot but I was so excited. After not having sex in about 9 years, I could not believe it was going to happen or that another man would even want me intimately. He knows about it and still wants to save our marriage. What that night did, though, was awaken me to the fact that I need a man I can connect with sexually and intimately. It also made it crystal clear that I must create an exit plan and embark on a new journey in my life. Caring a lot about my wife may be closer to how I feel about my wife rather than love. I certainly don't wish her any pain, emotionally, physically, financially, or any other pain. I would like to think we will have a friendly relationship for the rest of our lives. I can't imagine her not being a part of my life, just not married. That may be unrealistic but that's what I would want at least right now. My wife says she loves me, and I believe her. In her on way she does love me. She's not in love me, at least my version of being in love, but she does love me. Romance and sex are not in her version of love. It's like she just wants me to be around. She likes the structure and stability of being married. And, since I'm the sole source of income, the money I bring. But doesn't want me as a husband or a lover. i have the fantasy of trying outsourcing just once, maybe twice, and see how it goes. I know the risks but the idea of fully engaged sex with somebody that is really into it is quite intoxicating. Given the opportunity I don't know if I could resist the temptation. What I would worry about is like you the experience would awaken me to what I've been missing and it would be the beginning of end of the marriage. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 16, 2016 17:11:45 GMT -5
Wow, all this talk of love languages is hitting really close to home for me as well. We talked extensively about that during our premarital counseling but I don't think she remembers or maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that my love language includes physical contact, affection, and intimacy. Or she might just think (again) that makes me "weird" and"needy." If she thinks you are "weird" and "needy" for needing physical contact, affection and intimacy, that is not just her being judgemental. It tells you that she really doesn't 'get' that stuff. She doesn't need it and she will never be able to empathise with the way you feel. At best (even if you can sort through all the depression issues) your marriage is going to be a compromise where she tries to give you what you want. But she will never 'feel' it the way you do, and will always be painting by numbers. That may be an acceptable compromise you can make, but then again with the rest of your life ahead of you it may not! (I think I may be writing this for me more than you...) |
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 18:50:59 GMT -5
So much of your writing I was bewildered someone else lives this! I am on the opposite end, being a woman and all. LOL
I have screamed at my husband that I want one dang affair so I can feel what being romantically loved is once more in my life before I am a grandmother! I am NOT one to cheat. I am loyal as the day is long. I of course, would never ever have an affair, but I ache for that connection. I was visiting with a friend and she had an elderly friend tell her that you never know when you will have sex for the last time until it is your last time (her husband passed away). I couldn't get out of her house fast enough to dissolve into tears! That remark...it was an arrow into my heart. If we divorce or just raise the kids and stroll on into middle age, etc, that is my reality. He is ok without intimacy. I am afraid it will make me a bitter old lady.
Passionate love...of the joy of it. It is a good thing. I miss it.
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