Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 18, 2023 18:13:11 GMT -5
Having problems speaking to W about what her cause of not wanting sex could be. My kids are in there teens so I would say let’s go to bed to talk.
I have a feeling she thinks it is me wanting to initiate sex so she refuses to come to bed. So exhausted. So I’m gonna lay it out there so she doesn’t have any inclination of sex being part of anything. She thinks anything I do is for sex. She needs to get over herself cause it’s not that great. And I’m to old to argue anymore. Just curious if anyone had to do this to get a real conversation going because it’s been a month since a talk and she said she would change but it hasn’t.
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Post by toughtiger on Oct 18, 2023 19:15:18 GMT -5
Having problems speaking to W about what her cause of not wanting sex could be. My kids are in there teens so I would say let’s go to bed to talk. I have a feeling she thinks it is me wanting to initiate sex so she refuses to come to bed. So exhausted. So I’m gonna lay it out there so she doesn’t have any inclination of sex being part of anything. She thinks anything I do is for sex. She needs to get over herself cause it’s not that great. And I’m to old to argue anymore. Just curious if anyone had to do this to get a real conversation going because it’s been a month since a talk and she said she would change but it hasn’t. sounds like she just said what she thought you wanted with no intention I think to get to the facts and just the facts you need a time when you can be alone unless she is willing to share your issues with others .... and just talk about all issues leaving sex off the list until you see the other things but in my opinion all is interconnected .... i know there are other issues in my marriage but the no sex part makes all seem worse. I think if i was in your shoes the assumption about your motives and the the fake promise to make changes speak loudly about honesty and respect. Have you played reverse psychology act disinterested and frankly tell her was not all that .... maybe she would want to give it another try to prove you wrong. |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 18, 2023 19:39:47 GMT -5
Having problems speaking to W about what her cause of not wanting sex could be. My kids are in there teens so I would say let’s go to bed to talk. I have a feeling she thinks it is me wanting to initiate sex so she refuses to come to bed. So exhausted. So I’m gonna lay it out there so she doesn’t have any inclination of sex being part of anything. She thinks anything I do is for sex. She needs to get over herself cause it’s not that great. And I’m to old to argue anymore. Just curious if anyone had to do this to get a real conversation going because it’s been a month since a talk and she said she would change but it hasn’t. sounds like she just said what she thought you wanted with no intention I think to get to the facts and just the facts you need a time when you can be alone unless she is willing to share your issues with others .... and just talk about all issues leaving sex off the list until you see the other things but in my opinion all is interconnected .... i know there are other issues in my marriage but the no sex part makes all seem worse. I think if i was in your shoes the assumption about your motives and the the fake promise to make changes speak loudly about honesty and respect. Have you played reverse psychology act disinterested and frankly tell her was not all that .... maybe she would want to give it another try to prove you wrong. Ya, tried the the reverse psychology thing. She just isn’t that competitive to prove me wrong. She would love to throw me under the buss in front of people. Disrespectful for sure. Just buying time right now. And I find myself wanting to be mean just like her. |
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Post by baza on Oct 19, 2023 0:46:22 GMT -5
There a 3 things to be avoided if you want to unpack your ILIASM deal and bring it to resolution - whatevver that resolution might be.
1 - is "why chasing" and whereas you cant avoid it completely it is best to keep it to a minimum, and not turn it into an art form. In the final analysis it doesnt matter what the "why" is (or isn't)
2 - is "blame apportioning" which is another ubproductive thing you can get drawn into. It doesnt make any difference to the facts whether you are right, or wrong.
3 - is "revenge" possibly the most poisonous thing there is to indulge in. A policy of revenge / payback wont help one little bit in bringing about a resolution to the situation.
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 19, 2023 4:08:59 GMT -5
You are both right. I know she has to be depressed. She doesn’t want to go out and is a hermit. She doesn’t do much around the house anymore. She has shut down. She’s gone to counseling in the past and I can’t tell if it has helped. Her argument has been I don’t make my daughters listen to her constant nagging of them. I do have a soft spot for my daughters but they both know know how to respect me and get stuff done when asked. They are seeing W mood swings and lack of doing social outings. I’m just not that interested in getting to the why anymore. Just going to tell her she has to find her own happiness.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 19, 2023 5:22:34 GMT -5
Just going to tell her she has to find her own happiness. Welcome to the forum Missingout,....If you have had a "talk" or several of them and the result had been no change I think you have all the info you need specific to your SM. My X would do the same thing basically. Acknowledge she was a fault and promise to do better, followed by continued refusing. The only thing that works is her facing a situation of seperating and divorcing or telling her you intend to continue having sex, and ask her if she wants to be there when it happens. As long as she has the things she wants and has no repurcussions for her bad behavior you can expect nothing to change. That is some good advice. perhaps you should follow it.. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 19, 2023 11:12:13 GMT -5
I have a feeling she thinks it is me wanting to initiate sex so she refuses to come to bed. So exhausted. So I’m gonna lay it out there so she doesn’t have any inclination of sex being part of anything. She thinks anything I do is for sex. She needs to get over herself cause it’s not that great. And I’m to old to argue anymore. Just curious if anyone had to do this to get a real conversation going because it’s been a month since a talk and she said she would change but it hasn’t. These are common patterns, unfortunately. If you are trying to understand what's happening in your relationship, I'd recommend stepping back from the assumptions about what she's thinking. You haven't articulated a reason to think that she doesn't have any inclination toward sex. Rather, she clearly is choosing not to have it with you.She may be exhausted, but you are in the same marriage as her, and presumably if you were tired, you might find sex with your partner to be restorative rather than a depletive activity. I and many others have done all kinds of versions of "taking sex offline for a bit to focus on other things". I've seen it help people become more cooperative partners, and do more activities, but I've yet to see it restore attraction and desire for a person, once sufficient contempt, resentment, anger, or disgust has turned them off to the point that they'd override their own libido to avoid sex with their partner. Typically the only thing I've seen work at even focusing on the problem is something that changes the dynamic to such a degree that the pain of not centering intimacy is worse than the pain of focusing on it. Things like, discovering an affair, being served separation papers, or choosing between an open relationship (with an imminent date attached, and a negotiation about how involved she would be in the whole process) vs divorce. By changing the status quo of the relationship in this way, it's now on the estranged partner to "restore" the relationship if she chooses. There's now a price tag attached to gaslighting and filibustering on this issue. I suppose a half measure that gets some attention might be removing one's ring, and moving the bed - anything that disrupts the outward appearance of a status quo. Taking sex off the table, basically cedes ground to her benefit if her goal is not to have sex with you (and it appears to be). What's the downside on her end to that? You can keep chasing the reason for the sex not happening - keep speculating - but it seems to me like it's the wrong person doing that speculation. That responsibility is on HER, not you - at least once you've attended to improving whatever you think would make you more generally attractive and interesting. I rarely see a sex averse partner lean into the relationship unless they are about to dramatically lose the relationship. And even then, it's iffy - they might just say "so long". |
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Post by toughtiger on Oct 19, 2023 14:40:30 GMT -5
You are both right. I know she has to be depressed. She doesn’t want to go out and is a hermit. She doesn’t do much around the house anymore. She has shut down. She’s gone to counseling in the past and I can’t tell if it has helped. Her argument has been I don’t make my daughters listen to her constant nagging of them. I do have a soft spot for my daughters but they both know know how to respect me and get stuff done when asked. They are seeing W mood swings and lack of doing social outings. I’m just not that interested in getting to the why anymore. Just going to tell her she has to find her own happiness. Sounds like some sort of hormonal/ or chemical balance.... or serious depression. some people do not like to seek help or such but if you can get them out and about exercise release endorphins and a very good multi vitamin as B3 or niacin can really help with depression. I got spouse taking these by saying i was doing it for me after reading up on it and was just a by the way remark and now he is totally into and has been a bit more pleasant ... small victory. |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 23, 2023 16:27:35 GMT -5
You are both right. I know she has to be depressed. She doesn’t want to go out and is a hermit. She doesn’t do much around the house anymore. She has shut down. She’s gone to counseling in the past and I can’t tell if it has helped. Her argument has been I don’t make my daughters listen to her constant nagging of them. I do have a soft spot for my daughters but they both know know how to respect me and get stuff done when asked. They are seeing W mood swings and lack of doing social outings. I’m just not that interested in getting to the why anymore. Just going to tell her she has to find her own happiness. Sounds like some sort of hormonal/ or chemical balance.... or serious depression. some people do not like to seek help or such but if you can get them out and about exercise release endorphins and a very good multi vitamin as B3 or niacin can really help with depression. I got spouse taking these by saying i was doing it for me after reading up on it and was just a by the way remark and now he is totally into and has been a bit more pleasant ... small victory. Definitely depressed which is pulling me and the kids down with her. She refuses to talk and carries on like everything is normal. Makes me ill. I have tried to talk to her about her not being happy and it’s always my fault. The kids are older and they see what’s happening. My oldest tells me to divorce but the younger 14 always asks if you and mom are alright and of course I say yea your mom needs to rest she’s tired. It’s been slowing down with us chasing the kids and running them around and now I have seen her true self. One of those aha moments I suppose. Funny how the kids suck up soo much of your life and then come to the realization that your wife isn’t that much into ya. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2023 16:32:09 GMT -5
She needs to get back into therapy and to also have her hormones checked as her depression could have medical reason that's not mental health related.
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 23, 2023 16:44:25 GMT -5
She needs to get back into therapy and to also have her hormones checked as her depression could have medical reason that's not mental health related. Ya she is in menopausal and was taking the medication for 2 weeks and stopped for a rash that was occurring all over her. So now she has an excuse not to take it. Was trying to explain to her that it would go away but her DR said to stop taking it and that your husband doesn’t need sex. Lol |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 23, 2023 16:51:39 GMT -5
She needs to get back into therapy and to also have her hormones checked as her depression could have medical reason that's not mental health related. Ya she is in menopausal and was taking the medication for 2 weeks and stopped for a rash that was occurring all over her. So now she has an excuse not to take it. Was trying to explain to her that it would go away but her DR said to stop taking it and that your husband doesn’t need sex. Lol |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 14:03:00 GMT -5
You don't have to take sex off the table because their behavior is screaming that they don't find you sexually attractive so don't want to have sex with you. Believe it or not some people marry people they aren't sexually attracted to. They marry such a person because the person is nice, supportive, a good provider, could be a good parent for future children. But they aren't sexually attracted to the person even though they may acted like they were or have tolerated sex earlier in order to hook the person into marriage.
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 24, 2023 14:45:48 GMT -5
You don't have to take sex off the table because their behavior is screaming that they don't find you sexually attractive so don't want to have sex with you. Believe it or not some people marry people they aren't sexually attracted to. They marry such a person because the person is nice, supportive, a good provider, could be a good parent for future children. But they aren't sexually attracted to the person even though they may acted like they were or have tolerated sex earlier in order to hook the person into marriage. Ya I just wanted to let the W know that I wanted to talk about what was going on with her well being. She thinks ever time I want to talk it’s about not enough sex😂. So let her know ahead of time that way she don’t jump the gun and refuse me. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 18:37:05 GMT -5
Missingout: "Ya she is in menopausal and was taking the medication for 2 weeks and stopped for a rash that was occurring all over her. So now she has an excuse not to take it. Was trying to explain to her that it would go away but her DR said to stop taking it and that your husband doesn’t need sex. Lol"
That's what SHE says her doctor said. Her doctor may have said nothing of the kind. WHen I was premenopausal I started having migraines every time I orgasmed (even though most of my sex was solo). I told my doctor because, obviously, that wasn't my idea of fun sex. My doctor, a man didn't see a problem with that because -- golly gee-- I still could have sex. So, I started seeing a different doctor who had empathy.
Your wife simply doesn't want to have sex with you. She's happy to find excuses. She probably likes the benefits of marriage (and that could include her fear of living alone or her fears of a reduced lifestyle in case of a divorce), but simply doesn't want to have sex with you. It will be up to you whether this is a deal breaker because it seems she can live with the current situation.
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