m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 24, 2023 18:48:36 GMT -5
Missingout: "Ya she is in menopausal and was taking the medication for 2 weeks and stopped for a rash that was occurring all over her. So now she has an excuse not to take it. Was trying to explain to her that it would go away but her DR said to stop taking it and that your husband doesn’t need sex. Lol" That's what SHE says her doctor said. Her doctor may have said nothing of the kind. WHen I was premenopausal I started having migraines every time I orgasmed (even though most of my sex was solo). I told my doctor because, obviously, that wasn't my idea of fun sex. My doctor, a man didn't see a problem with that because -- golly gee-- I still could have sex. So, I started seeing a different doctor who had empathy. Your wife simply doesn't want to have sex with you. She's happy to find excuses. She probably likes the benefits of marriage (and that could include her fear of living alone or her fears of a reduced lifestyle in case of a divorce), but simply doesn't want to have sex with you. It will be up to you whether this is a deal breaker because it seems she can live with the current situation. This right here is the hardest thing to accept for us in a SM. That the partner that we love and want to have sex with just doesn't want to have sex with us. Doesn't really matter what the reason is, just they don't care enough about us to want to make us happy. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2023 19:11:01 GMT -5
m76: "
This right here is the hardest thing to accept for us in a SM. That the partner that we love and want to have sex with just doesn't want to have sex with us. Doesn't really matter what the reason is, just they don't care enough about us to want to make us happy."
They may want to make us happy but it's very hard to make yourself have sex with someone you aren't sexually attracted to. And, at best, the recipient of such sex would get the male or female version of starfish sex. They wouldn't get the mutually fulfilling sex they long for. Once I realized that (and it took me a long time since I was with him a total of 36 years), it wasn't that hard to decide to divorce and move on.I did have to realize, however, that my now ex's sexual rejection of me didn't mean no man would desire me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 24, 2023 20:40:42 GMT -5
If I understand you then I guess I did basically the same thing during the time I was "why chasing" in my marriage. As I strived to find a way to reignite the chemistry with my now X I decided to give her and myself a break from the attempts at initiating I was doing. So for about 6 weeks I did not do anything of a sexual nature toward her, to see how she would react. Basically she did not react. Her behavior did not change one bit. So after the 6 weeks I brought up what I had been doing. She said she had noticed the slacking off in my amarous intentions and that she appreciated it. But it did not make her feel any sort of gratitude or desire to be closer to me for my consideration of her feelings. Short story, it was another wasted effort on my part. But then again almost all my "why chasing" was a wasted effort.
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 25, 2023 3:27:14 GMT -5
If I understand you then I guess I did basically the same thing during the time I was "why chasing" in my marriage. As I strived to find a way to reignite the chemistry with my now X I decided to give her and myself a break from the attempts at initiating I was doing. So for about 6 weeks I did not do anything of a sexual nature toward her, to see how she would react. Basically she did not react. Her behavior did not change one bit. So after the 6 weeks I brought up what I had been doing. She said she had noticed the slacking off in my amousous intentions and that she appreciated it. But it did not make her feel any sort of gratitude or desire to be closer to me for my consideration of her feelings. Short story, it was another wasted effort on my part. But then again almost all my "why chasing" was a wasted effort. This is exactly what I was trying to accomplish but instead of 6 weeks it was more of 6 months. Realized that she wasn’t going to initiate. |
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Post by aquacat on Oct 26, 2023 6:24:47 GMT -5
I tried this as well years ago and had the same reaction as worksforme2 and Missingout had. My wife didn't even notice and when I asked it was "Honestly I didn't even notice."
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 26, 2023 6:30:04 GMT -5
...So after the 6 weeks I brought up what I had been doing. She said she had noticed the slacking off in my amorous intentions and that she appreciated it. But it did not make her feel any sort of gratitude or desire to be closer to me for my consideration of her feelings. Short story, it was another wasted effort on my part. But then again almost all my "why chasing" was a wasted effort. While much "why chasing" is wasted effort, the six weeks thing gave you valuable data. The best you could hope for was six weeks one day between romps. Is that a marriage you can stick with? (You chose not to. Understandable.) @missingout has the same data point, but he's facing twice a year sex or less, unless he chooses to pursue an alternative. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 26, 2023 7:17:07 GMT -5
aquacat has joined the "what if I do this" group with me and Missing out. There may be more of us if some of those still in the guest mindset were to come forward. It's a miniscule amount of test subjects right now, but can we draw any possible conclusions from our small sampling. One might be that our refusers were content to accept our slacked off efforts in getting their pants off. But for them it was not worth recipricating with even a small token of affection. And what does that tell us? For me it said that my now X really had very little in the way of love for me in her cold heart. Eventually a pretty fair # of other behaviors affirmed that to me. Like her failing to try and reach out to me when she saw how I was distancing myself from her. Like her saying nothing when I took off my wedding band. When I just started adding them up I was drug, kicking sand screaming,to the unhappy realization,that we were done as a couple. Perhaps Missingout will start a column of missing actions of his own. When he does the math the sum of what is not happening may be enough for him to move from the staying column to the "I'm outa here" summation.
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 26, 2023 7:43:48 GMT -5
So, related to this thread I had a conversation a few weeks back with my wife to find out if there was any level physical contact she would be comfortable with. I made it very clear how important it was to me. It took her a week of thinking about and told me that she would be open to mutual massages. Not really want I want but ok, I'll play along, it's some intimacy.
So now it's been another 2 weeks where I've left her alone to see if she would initiate and she hasn't tried at all. So for this thread's main topic, if you take sex of the table, i dont think most refusers will even bat an eye.
At this point I know my marriage is done. We just live together.
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Post by aquacat on Oct 28, 2023 7:01:44 GMT -5
So, related to this thread I had a conversation a few weeks back with my wife to find out if there was any level physical contact she would be comfortable with. I made it very clear how important it was to me. It took her a week of thinking about and told me that she would be open to mutual massages. Not really want I want but ok, I'll play along, it's some intimacy. So now it's been another 2 weeks where I've left her alone to see if she would initiate and she hasn't tried at all. So for this thread's main topic, if you take sex of the table, i dont think most refusers will even bat an eye. At this point I know my marriage is done. We just live together. Same here. I’m just the main financial provider. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 30, 2023 5:41:33 GMT -5
So, related to this thread I had a conversation a few weeks back with my wife to find out if there was any level physical contact she would be comfortable with. I made it very clear how important it was to me. It took her a week of thinking about and told me that she would be open to mutual massages. Not really want I want but ok, I'll play along, it's some intimacy. So now it's been another 2 weeks where I've left her alone to see if she would initiate and she hasn't tried at all. So for this thread's main topic, if you take sex of the table, i don't think most refusers will even bat an eye. At this point I know my marriage is done. We just live together. Same here. I’m just the main financial provider. So, gents... Stay and attempt reversal? Stay and accept? Stay and Outsource? Vamoose? What's it feeling like? if it's one of the last two, is it time for the legal consultation? Just so you know the worst of it, if you pull the pin? |
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 30, 2023 6:15:09 GMT -5
Same here. I’m just the main financial provider. So, gents... Stay and attempt reversal? Stay and accept? Stay and Outsource? Vamoose? What's it feeling like? if it's one of the last two, is it time for the legal consultation? Just so you know the worst of it, if you pull the pin? I'm looking at both the last two options. Although the odds of finding women that are interested in a fwb arrangement are next to nil. I've already had an initial consultation with a lawyer. I know it's going to be rough for a while after a split and I'll probably have to work past my expected retirement age. It's tough to pull the trigger on something that life changing that won't just effect me but my 16 year old son that lives at home too. |
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Post by aquacat on Oct 30, 2023 7:47:53 GMT -5
I've inquired about leaving but due to the income disparity and us having kids, a divorce would devastate me financially. Am waiting until the kids are adults to re-evaluate this.
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 30, 2023 8:25:35 GMT -5
Same here. I’m just the main financial provider. So, gents... Stay and attempt reversal? Stay and accept? Stay and Outsource? Vamoose? What's it feeling like? if it's one of the last two, is it time for the legal consultation? Just so you know the worst of it, if you pull the pin? Just received a lawyer number from a close police friend so will be making that call this week. |
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Post by h on Nov 8, 2023 14:41:40 GMT -5
I took initiating off the table. I'm not going to face rejection anymore and she can't reject me if I don't initiate. I never rejected her though. Unfortunately my body became conditioned by her constant rejections and neglect and started doing the rejecting for me. I can't become aroused by her anymore. So while I won't reject her and will give her whatever I am able to, intercourse is now off the table.
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Nov 11, 2023 6:23:32 GMT -5
Just got back from weeks long work trip to Boston… got home early to an empty house except for the wife. Perfect time for a little nooner. Her response? Maybe tomorrow. My response? I might not be here.😂 keep ‘em on there toes everyone.
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