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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 9, 2023 3:40:53 GMT -5
Has anyone ever gotten an apology for being neglected? I had this weird moment I can't remember whether my husband had been drinking or not but most likely he had been and he apologized or neglecting me. I'm not really sure where he was going with that and quite frankly I'm not interested in trying to rekindle a relationship in my marriage, there's just too many hurt feelings for that. Is this common? Have other spouses apologized for what they know to being neglect even though they chose to do it? It's funny after 10 years I think my husband wants to have sex with me and I am not interested at all.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 9, 2023 6:12:11 GMT -5
Yeah, maybe 20 times. After the near-miss outsourcing, the apology was followed up with an encounter within a week. Before that it was a lamentation that she didn't understand herself. That was comforting, but not a long-term solution. A spouse's acknowledgement of the unacceptable nature of their rejection may indicate better outcomes for refused spouses that initiate the process of opening a marriage. Three out of four reset spouses expressed this regret. I'm not sure if Mr. jerri did. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jun 9, 2023 10:56:49 GMT -5
Mine did, after I left but it was followed by lies of how he would have fixed it "if he had known" he knew. I said it. I screamed it. I emailed him a letter. I withdrew.
He also attempted sex 12 or so years into the sexless marriage where I was at the point I did not undress in front of him. I would have rather been staked naked in the front yard and let strangers take turns with me
We fought, I finally ripped off my clothes while crying and yelling layed on the bed in starfish position and told him to have at it. He had taken 2 viagras and I'm guessing the mood still made it impossible which I was thankful for.
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Post by blunder8 on Jun 9, 2023 12:01:12 GMT -5
I get an apology every time after sex. "Sorry it's been so long."
It used to be more warranted when sex was 4 times per year. Now that it's changed to a couple of times a month, I still get the apology, as if she knows the frequency, although much better, is still not ideal for me.
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Jun 9, 2023 14:51:08 GMT -5
Has anyone ever gotten an apology for being neglected? I had this weird moment I can't remember whether my husband had been drinking or not but most likely he had been and he apologized or neglecting me. I'm not really sure where he was going with that and quite frankly I'm not interested in trying to rekindle a relationship in my marriage, there's just too many hurt feelings for that. Is this common? Have other spouses apologized for what they know to being neglect even though they chose to do it? It's funny after 10 years I think my husband wants to have sex with me and I am not interested at all. Not that I recall. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 10, 2023 3:54:05 GMT -5
Mine did, after I left but it was followed by lies of how he would have fixed it "if he had known" he knew. I said it. I screamed it. I emailed him a letter. I withdrew. He also attempted sex 12 or so years into the sexless marriage where I was at the point I did not undress in front of him. I would have rather been staked naked in the front yard and let strangers take turns with me We fought, I finally ripped off my clothes while crying and yelling layed on the bed in starfish position and told him to have at it. He had taken 2 viagras and I'm guessing the mood still made it impossible which I was thankful for. Wow! Just wow! Sometimes I think even though we say these things they don't believe they're true. Being treated like a melodramatic girl is not helpful to solving problems not sure if that's what you experienced or not. My husband used to call me Moody. I don't care if I am Moody. We haven't undressed in front of each other in so long I can't really remember when the last time was. Frankly, my lover keeps me satisfied. Wants sex more tHan I do and treats me good.... so I don't feel the need to scratch his 10 year itch. I cant remember what I said that time but I usually try to change the subject. Once I did flat out say "that's not going to happen". It's so weird to be the refusing spouse after all that time of begging, negotiating, cojoling etc. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 10, 2023 8:18:21 GMT -5
My X never specifically apologized, but she did acknowledge the way she was behaving by saying, "she was a good person, just not a good wife".
This post is the 1st time I have read of you having a lover who keeps you satisfied. Good for you. I still at times wish my X had been willing to go along with me having a FWB. It might have taken the pressure off both of us and maybe even saved the marriage. But she was too much an Alpha woman to allow another woman to have the sex she herself didn't want.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 11, 2023 7:27:35 GMT -5
Has anyone ever gotten an apology for being neglected? I had this weird moment I can't remember whether my husband had been drinking or not but most likely he had been and he apologized or neglecting me. I'm not really sure where he was going with that and quite frankly I'm not interested in trying to rekindle a relationship in my marriage, there's just too many hurt feelings for that. Is this common? Have other spouses apologized for what they know to being neglect even though they chose to do it? It's funny after 10 years I think my husband wants to have sex with me and I am not interested at all. Has anyone ever gotten an apology for being neglected? Short answer - No! My 25 years with my now ex W was full of conversations that ended with her reversing,my ideas ,wants, needs, and starting her sentences with the word "NO". During our counselling whenever she was confronted and knew she was proven wrong, automatically the 'denial' would be her defense. She just shrugged it off as " not her concern". A life of denial. proof that i let myself be taken advantage of, was too much of a yes dear, knew little about boundaries,and was far to codependent. How do you rekindle a relationship with someone who is quite proud of the fact that they " detached themselves from you years ago" and plays victim status the entire time? Apologies can often be used as a weapon, beware of words only, look for actions. Actions speak louder than words. take action yourself and find comfort and self respect with other friends and mentors in your healing journey! |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 11, 2023 12:51:13 GMT -5
My X never specifically apologized, but she did acknowledge the way she was behaving by saying, "she was a good person, just not a good wife". This post is the 1st time I have read of you having a lover who keeps you satisfied. Good for you. I still at times wish my X had been willing to go along with me having a FWB. It might have taken the pressure off both of us and maybe even saved the marriage. But she was too much an Alpha woman to allow another woman to have the sex she herself didn't want. I am not proud of it but I am in the "cheat" category. Sadly, since 2012 ish with different people. I have been hesitant to talk about that much because I judge myself pretty harshly for it and done need help. However, the person I have now has been building me up to believe in myself again. I feel less... lost... less empty.... less broken. This subject needs its own post and I wish I had saved everything from Experience Project aka EP. Alot of my raw hurt and torment was written there and I know others feel just as I did then. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 11, 2023 16:50:25 GMT -5
I am not proud of it but I am in the "cheat" category. Sadly, since 2012 ish with different people. I have been hesitant to talk about that much because I judge myself pretty harshly for it and done need help. However, the person I have now has been building me up to believe in myself again. I feel less... lost... less empty.... less broken. This subject needs its own post and I wish I had saved everything from Experience Project aka EP. Alot of my raw hurt and torment was written there and I know others feel just as I did then. You may not be proud, but i would say you have no reason to be ashamed either. If I had had the opportunity during the final year of my SM, I would not have hesitated to welcome a new partner into the bed I once shared with my then W. Since my divorce I have been fortunate enough to have had 2 partnes in that bed. And if fate has one fair bone in its body there will be other ladies sharing that same bed with me in the future. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 18, 2023 15:59:32 GMT -5
i read this know it was a couple months ago .... but thought i would ask DID you really want a real heartfelt" i know i was wrong apology" ? because i DO want him to really APOLOGIZE .... this was his doing not mine.......... i do not need blame deflection either.... this has been zero for about a year/ the 2 years before that was maybe attempts never finished 6 times a year.../ before that was 2x a month for a total of 5 years....... In a deep conversation about this he recently told me he had had this "small issue" of keeping it standing at attention for 10 years  i asked him WTF i can account for various times in last 5 years... who was that does he have an alien body double? Honestly MY attitude about cheating has totally changed ........i do not feel guilty for wanting to ... in my chats with friend some may categorize that as emotional cheating we have video chatted nude etc still do not feel bad about it at all. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 22, 2023 18:49:14 GMT -5
Two months broke me.
That was where shit got weird.
While I got depressed after sex, knowing it would be a very long time until the next time, I would become amused at the indifference to the lengths of time that would go by without her realizing how unhealthy and weird it was to refuse for so long; to think a marriage could survive such neglect. It was like watching a freak show.
Five months was our record. A mix of astonishment, indignance, and incredulous mirth.
I absolutely found it reasonable to begin my quest to outsource my sexuality, because my wife was not attending to it and she was, theoretically, the only woman allowed to.
Have you done some prep work with a lawyer, in case you are discovered? (or choose to inform him of your intent, if you are a badass like that) What are the legal consequences of adultery in your state/country?
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Post by jerri on Aug 23, 2023 11:39:46 GMT -5
Yeah, maybe 20 times. After the near-miss outsourcing, the apology was followed up with an encounter within a week. Before that it was a lamentation that she didn't understand herself. That was comforting, but not a long-term solution. A spouse's acknowledgement of the unacceptable nature of their rejection may indicate better outcomes for refused spouses that initiate the process of opening a marriage. Three out of four reset spouses expressed this regret. I'm not sure if Mr. jerri did. My love was constantly saying "please don't blame me". I would tell him- I don't blame you, I blame myself and am looking for the sensations/techniques that you would love. Mostly what would happen is I would ask ..."hey, Lovey,can we have sex this weekend? He would say"sure" then make excuses or act like we never had The conversation. Then I would make appointments to make love. I would go all out And usually had some sort of technique or video. Then he said that it was never spontaneous and I said it can't be spontaneous because you don't follow through. Then he would say "don't blame me". But the most important part of behavior change is understanding that that person has to take responsibility for their actions or nothing will ever change. And he never really took responsibility for Lack of sex. They really have to acknowledge that something's wrong before something will change and he was never on that page for the most part. Then they have to take responsibility and have remorse for their actions. He always thought his excuses were very valid. But then when I would overcome those excuses it is he would come up with excuses that could not be fixed. I didn't think I had a chance because he had no remorse and didn't take responsibility. Change on their part is not possible at all without taking responsibility and remorse. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 23, 2023 11:49:38 GMT -5
jerri: "but the most important part of behavior change is understanding that that person has to take responsibility for their actions or nothing will ever change. And he never really took responsibility for Lack of sex. They really have to acknowledge that something's wrong before something will change and he was never on that page for the most part. Then they have to take responsibility and have remorse for their actions. He always thought his excuses were very valid. But then when I would overcome those excuses it is he would come up with excuses that could not be fixed. I didn't think I had a chance because he had no remorse and didn't take responsibility. Change on their part is not possible at all without taking responsibility and remorse."
One of the things that the refused have to recognize -- and it's a hard thing to recognize-- is that their refusers simply don't want to have sex with them. They may have sexual desire, but for other people. For reasons of their own, however, they want to stay married so they don't say, "I feel no sexual attraction for you," they make excuses or won't talk about the problem. That should be enough evidence for the refused to move on, but it's hard to acknowledge that the person whom you married has no sexual desire for you. That's why so many here have hopes of creating a mutually fulfilling sex life with their spouse even though they haven't ever had mutually-fulfilling sex or haven't had sex together for years.
There is freedom in acknowledging that one's partner isn't and won't be sexually interested you. Once you give up false hopes, you are free to make decisions that are in your own interest and that don't depend on winning over one's partner.
I'm speaking from experience. After being now 10 years in an emotionally and sexually-fulfilling relationship, I look back at my marriage and I'm sad at how little I settled for and how long I held onto the hope of having a good sex life -- or even any sex life -- with him. I should have recognized after 8 straight years of no sex at all my wish was never going to happen with him.
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Post by jerri on Aug 26, 2023 0:05:53 GMT -5
jerri: "but the most important part of behavior change is understanding that that person has to take responsibility for their actions or nothing will ever change. And he never really took responsibility for Lack of sex. They really have to acknowledge that something's wrong before something will change and he was never on that page for the most part. Then they have to take responsibility and have remorse for their actions. He always thought his excuses were very valid. But then when I would overcome those excuses it is he would come up with excuses that could not be fixed. I didn't think I had a chance because he had no remorse and didn't take responsibility. Change on their part is not possible at all without taking responsibility and remorse." One of the things that the refused have to recognize -- and it's a hard thing to recognize-- is that their refusers simply don't want to have sex with them. They may have sexual desire, but for other people. For reasons of their own, however, they want to stay married so they don't say, "I feel no sexual attraction for you," they make excuses or won't talk about the problem. That should be enough evidence for the refused to move on, but it's hard to acknowledge that the person whom you married has no sexual desire for you. That's why so many here have hopes of creating a mutually fulfilling sex life with their spouse even though they haven't ever had mutually-fulfilling sex or haven't had sex together for years. There is freedom in acknowledging that one's partner isn't and won't be sexually interested you. Once you give up false hopes, you are free to make decisions that are in your own interest and that don't depend on winning over one's partner. I'm speaking from experience. After being now 10 years in an emotionally and sexually-fulfilling relationship, I look back at my marriage and I'm sad at how little I settled for and how long I held onto the hope of having a good sex life -- or even any sex life -- with him. I should have recognized after 8 straight years of no sex at all my wish was never going to happen with him. No, that's not me at all. I am the type to keep trying until I find something that works. I also went to therapy and 3 separate therapists said many people can live without a sexual relationship. When I told the last therapist that I was going to step out of the marriage for sex she said "I don't think God would want you to do that, you have a good marriage and she proceeds to talk about a failed alcoholic marriage. But at the same time said. " All kinds of events happen during marriages and they still make love to each other when I started blaming myself for gaining weight, not being tight enough, sexy enough, didn't have the right technique. I finally figured out that he was ruined from prone masturbation...shaging a mattress face down is supposed to ruin a man for a woman to where he can't orgasm. Our routine I learned made it worse. My husband could have an O within the first 30 minutes but I thought the extending fellatio orgasmic techniques were important so I could give him pleasure but it also takes me about 20 minutes to orgasm. So I had to use other techniques to get him to orgasm. All of it took about an hour and he enjoyed it but loved shaging the mattress as well or more. It reminded me of Davis's sexless marriage video. Where she talks about the partner writing on their hand "I like sex". Plus my H liked to finish up anal which was really nice too. MirrorOrchid pointed out how damaging prone masturbation is to a man. When I read that article he gave me I knew he was correct. I bought a new mattress for my husband years later and he came unglued he was so mad I getting rid of his girl. Then I knew for sure. Humping a dry, hard, mattress is his thing. I also didn't know I had tried so many techniques that I was actually talented. I thought if I could only find the magic technique. That I just needed practice. I thought it was about me until I had sex outside of the marriage and he was so enthusiastic! I just don't give up, I fix things or try harder. Not a very good characteristic to have in a sexless marriage. But a good characteristic to have if you want to go polyamorus and your husband hates the idea. I'm glad I didn't give up now because I have all of my properties that I collected for retirement and he took less retirement to gift me his retirement when he passes away if he goes first. I really didn't want to give him half of my properties in a divorce because that would screw my retirement. My point is I had to actually get to the point where I thought it was my husband's fault instead of my own. I simply couldn't see that he didn't want me no matter what techniques I learned. It didn't matter that I took the Ninja Pussy course and got a tighter vagina. Got a better body... |
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