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Post by isthisit on Aug 27, 2023 0:38:36 GMT -5
After I told my H I could no longer be his W I also got the “if only I had known, I would have fixed it” line. At the time this made me furious as I couldn’t have made my unhappiness any clearer. Today I can see his response as a pathetic attempt to gaslight me, and I was daft enough to fall for it. (He was probably gaslighting himself too, as pretending a more favourable reality is his go to behaviour.) However, he maintained that sex was never an issue for us, the marriage was idyllic, and I had just clean overlooked it all.
Close to four years post separation, he really surprised me out of the blue with an apology and he recognised that his negligence had caused the demise of the marriage. Physical, emotional, the whole nine yards. “It’s all on me, and I know it” are words I never thought I would hear. It changes nothing, but it’s something I suppose.
It is so easy to see yourself as the problem when you are being refused by a person you love fiercely and passionately. H has been very clear- he always was, and remains (ewwww) very attracted to me. That was never the issue for him. I expect that is the same for many of us.
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muzack
Junior Member
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Post by muzack on Sept 1, 2023 7:17:50 GMT -5
Maybe I'm the odd duck with a wife that knows she is in the wrong in our SM. She is always apologetic when the discussion comes up. At this point it is usually her that starts the conversation.
There is some sort of perfectionist / procrastinator aspect of he that always presents a reason why "Now' isn't the right time, but keeps making plans for "Later". Note that this isn't her delaying my requests, this is her responding to her own "Lets do it Friday when daughter is at friend's birthday party." type statements. I am positive to her in those situations, but have enough experience to know some reason will come up to not have sex. She will be genuinely apologetic when those opportunities are missed, but it is wierd to me.
The bottom line is wife suffers from strong anxiety and in very overweight. When opportunity arises, either anxiety, self esteem, or both cause her create an excuse to cancel or delay her plans. She knows the situation is messed up and is sorry about it, but isn't able to overcome her own demons.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 1, 2023 9:02:12 GMT -5
muzack,....My X was also apologetic about her actions or inaction during the conversations we had about the poor state of intimacy in the merriage. Sha would acknowledge her delaying and dodging of my attempts at initiating. She would leave me with the impression that she would do better in the future. But my experience mirrors yours. WHen the appointed time came around she would find an excuse to avoid coupling. Or baring an excuse she would just not show up, instaed perfering to sleep on a big easy chair to avoid me in the bed. I usually just accepted her avoidance until I would become so frustrated I would initiate another talk. What's the definition of insanity again?
And then i told her i wanted a FWB. She found her libido again for the next 3 months and then suddenly... blam, it was back to ground zero. And then I was done and called "time of death".
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 1, 2023 11:47:12 GMT -5
Maybe I'm the odd duck with a wife that knows she is in the wrong in our SM. She is always apologetic when the discussion comes up. At this point it is usually her that starts the conversation. There is some sort of perfectionist / procrastinator aspect of he that always presents a reason why "Now' isn't the right time, but keeps making plans for "Later". Note that this isn't her delaying my requests, this is her responding to her own "Lets do it Friday when daughter is at friend's birthday party." type statements. I am positive to her in those situations, but have enough experience to know some reason will come up to not have sex. She will be genuinely apologetic when those opportunities are missed, but it is wierd to me. The bottom line is wife suffers from strong anxiety and in very overweight. When opportunity arises, either anxiety, self esteem, or both cause her create an excuse to cancel or delay her plans. She knows the situation is messed up and is sorry about it, but isn't able to overcome her own demons. My experience is very similar, except that I have to start the conversations. Then the apologies and promises of "soon" or "later" come out. The script magically gets flipped, so that she starts saying things like "I'm a terrible wife" and crying. Now I start feeling like a big meanie. Well, that's how it used to go. |
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by muzack on Sept 1, 2023 13:41:32 GMT -5
I haven't felt "Like a meanie" in a long, long time. I see how experiences, parental failings, and personal choices have led to where she is at now. I know things can change, but I have no expectation that they will. That's not depression talking, but setting future expectation on past performance.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 4, 2023 9:49:36 GMT -5
Maybe I'm the odd duck with a wife that knows she is in the wrong in our SM. She is always apologetic when the discussion comes up. At this point it is usually her that starts the conversation. There is some sort of perfectionist / procrastinator aspect of he that always presents a reason why "Now' isn't the right time, but keeps making plans for "Later". Note that this isn't her delaying my requests, this is her responding to her own "Lets do it Friday when daughter is at friend's birthday party." type statements. I am positive to her in those situations, but have enough experience to know some reason will come up to not have sex. She will be genuinely apologetic when those opportunities are missed, but it is weird to me. The bottom line is wife suffers from strong anxiety and in very overweight. When opportunity arises, either anxiety, self esteem, or both cause her create an excuse to cancel or delay her plans. She knows the situation is messed up and is sorry about it, but isn't able to overcome her own demons. This matched my situation almost exactly (overweight, apologetic, but no expressed plans for "us time", so you're ahead on that one.) when I told her I'd be outsourcing in two months if we didn't become monogamous again (being agamous at the time) Somehow she got past all her mental obstacles and reset for almost 4 years now. She was seeing a therapist, so maybe that helped. Once you've complied with the Baza, and you ae ready to pull the pin, a deadline to outsource or divorce may repair things too. (or get her to file for divorce because your celibacy is mandatory to maintain the "marriage") |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 4, 2023 9:51:51 GMT -5
My experience is very similar, except that I have to start the conversations. Then the apologies and promises of "soon" or "later" come out. The script magically gets flipped, so that she starts saying things like "I'm a terrible wife" and crying. Now I start feeling like a big meanie. Well, that's how it used to go. So...is your reset still going, or it fizzled? |
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2023 5:38:36 GMT -5
Maybe I'm the odd duck with a wife that knows she is in the wrong in our SM. She is always apologetic when the discussion comes up. At this point it is usually her that starts the conversation. There is some sort of perfectionist / procrastinator aspect of he that always presents a reason why "Now' isn't the right time, but keeps making plans for "Later". Note that this isn't her delaying my requests, this is her responding to her own "Lets do it Friday when daughter is at friend's birthday party." type statements. I am positive to her in those situations, but have enough experience to know some reason will come up to not have sex. She will be genuinely apologetic when those opportunities are missed, but it is wierd to me. The bottom line is wife suffers from strong anxiety and in very overweight. When opportunity arises, either anxiety, self esteem, or both cause her create an excuse to cancel or delay her plans. She knows the situation is messed up and is sorry about it, but isn't able to overcome her own demons. My wife has never once followed through on a promise of sex "later" but has only ever apologized for that once. She had been making very overtly sexual comments and intentionally kissing and touching me in ways she knows turn me on. She just had to finish up the work she had left and then we could go to bed... She was up past midnight and sex didn't happen. She apologized for that but I told her that if she ever did that to me again, I would move into the other bedroom permanently. That was the only apology I ever got for a specific event. Any other mention of future sex is forgotten and never spoken of again. In several of our talks about the sexlessness she apologized profusely, followed by emotional promises to work on it and do better. She never followed through on those promises, but I believe they sincere at the moment they were given. I quit having those talks so I haven't heard an apology in years. |
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 7, 2023 12:26:42 GMT -5
My experience is very similar, except that I have to start the conversations. Then the apologies and promises of "soon" or "later" come out. The script magically gets flipped, so that she starts saying things like "I'm a terrible wife" and crying. Now I start feeling like a big meanie. Well, that's how it used to go. So...is your reset still going, or it fizzled? I'm back in the desert, unfortunately. Reset lasted about 6 months. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 11, 2023 6:21:23 GMT -5
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 11, 2023 8:11:51 GMT -5
So...is your reset still going, or it fizzled? I'm back in the desert, unfortunately. Reset lasted about 6 months. Unfortunately is not the right word I'm thinking. Predictable might be closer to the mark. There are several examples of this kind of behavior here, including in my SM toward the end. My X reset for about 3 months following my asking for a FWB. But after she thought enough time had past for me to get past the FWB approach, she again pulled out the old "retired the p*ssy card". And at that point I decided I was done accodating her and began distancing myself from her. And a relatively short time later we were sitting down to discuss ending the marriage. |
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 11, 2023 9:24:05 GMT -5
While I agree your word choice is more accurate, it's all the same at this point.
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 11, 2023 9:40:14 GMT -5
The crystal ball is much clearer now. This shit doesn't get better. The clouds part occasionally. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 12, 2023 6:09:06 GMT -5
I found this post. iliasm.org/post/144932/threadJanuary. Which means...dormant as of July and two months in to the SM. Want to revisit your FWB angle? The crystal ball is much clearer now. This shit doesn't get better. The clouds part occasionally. Went back to look at your aborted quest for a FWB. "I've scouted around some of the adult meeting sites. Some of them seem outrageously expensive (I know, I know, 'do you want to get laid or not?')"
I landed two polyamorous wives on the freebie OKcupid. Save your money for the date. "I've read that a lot of them have fake profiles and scammers lurking everywhere."
It's good to arrange in person meetings sooner rather than later to make any bots start evasive maneuvers and excuses. Bot or real, you needn't spend time on people you won't meet. "I don't really want to post a picture with a profile.."
Tough. It's not really about what you want. Would you match with a woman with no pic? A guy who's afraid of being seen is an even worse turn off. Nothing about that is on any woman's criteria checklist. "Maybe I need to rollback my definition of success to include having women friends that share common interests."
Is that still enough? "not looking to divorce. Too many reasons that won't work. Just a friend with benefits. Don't want or need a romance, emotional investment, etc. I know some would suggest getting the hall pass first."If you can get the hall pass, awesome! If you can't, heed the Baza. Thing is, ladies that want exclusively sex, no emotional content cuts down your pool drastically. You may want to consider professionals at that point. They'll give you whatever level of intimacy you want. (none of it real, but maybe that's ok) " the marriage vows have been shattered a thousand times or more over decades by her refusals. When being refused, what exactly am I cheating on? I think at some point I will pursue the ask or declare route. I'm not sure that makes sense quite yet. I'm also not sure I'm ready to outsource either."Now? Or still not yet? "does no one post a profile with what they want, find others looking for same, and then say "let's communicate and if we match we can send each other a picture"? Are people online really oriented toward a picture first, especially when pictures can be borrowed, heavily edited, or outright fake? OK, i guess i know the answer to that. People looking to get laid need to know their potential partner doesn't have a pointed head, missing teeth, and weigh 400 pounds. (hey, i'm not doing too bad on that criteria)"That said....ladies, how many male profiles out there have no pic? Would you ever respond to a message from a ghost-guy? "As it turns out, I've done a 180 and no longer am looking to outsource. My marriage is on an unexpected, but thrilling rebound (praying and working to make it lasting).
I did try out a profile on AFF briefly. Simply put, it's no place for a married late 50s guy. I chatted briefly with three women. The stories from these interactions are funny as hell and maybe a good post for a future thread."Last post before your reset. Want to spill those stories? Cuz you never did. If you get the hall pass, you may want to consider a polyamory munch (an informal dinner where you meet poly people). It should be a low stress way to test the waters and re-learn courtship/flirting. No time pressure to "move in fast" because no one is "taken" if you hesitate. You may have to wait a while. They may be polysaturated. Then again, such people may already be ineligible by the time you get there. There are ebbs and flows. |
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 12, 2023 8:59:53 GMT -5
The crystal ball is much clearer now. This shit doesn't get better. The clouds part occasionally. Went back to look at your aborted quest for a FWB. "I've scouted around some of the adult meeting sites. Some of them seem outrageously expensive (I know, I know, 'do you want to get laid or not?')"
I landed two polyamorous wives on the freebie OKcupid. Save your money for the date. "I've read that a lot of them have fake profiles and scammers lurking everywhere."
It's good to arrange in person meetings sooner rather than later to make any bots start evasive maneuvers and excuses. Bot or real, you needn't spend time on people you won't meet. "I don't really want to post a picture with a profile.."
Tough. It's not really about what you want. Would you match with a woman with no pic? A guy who's afraid of being seen is an even worse turn off. Nothing about that is on any woman's criteria checklist. "Maybe I need to rollback my definition of success to include having women friends that share common interests."
Is that still enough? "not looking to divorce. Too many reasons that won't work. Just a friend with benefits. Don't want or need a romance, emotional investment, etc. I know some would suggest getting the hall pass first."If you can get the hall pass, awesome! If you can't, heed the Baza. Thing is, ladies that want exclusively sex, no emotional content cuts down your pool drastically. You may want to consider professionals at that point. They'll give you whatever level of intimacy you want. (none of it real, but maybe that's ok) " the marriage vows have been shattered a thousand times or more over decades by her refusals. When being refused, what exactly am I cheating on? I think at some point I will pursue the ask or declare route. I'm not sure that makes sense quite yet. I'm also not sure I'm ready to outsource either."Now? Or still not yet? "does no one post a profile with what they want, find others looking for same, and then say "let's communicate and if we match we can send each other a picture"? Are people online really oriented toward a picture first, especially when pictures can be borrowed, heavily edited, or outright fake? OK, i guess i know the answer to that. People looking to get laid need to know their potential partner doesn't have a pointed head, missing teeth, and weigh 400 pounds. (hey, i'm not doing too bad on that criteria)"That said....ladies, how many male profiles out there have no pic? Would you ever respond to a message from a ghost-guy? "As it turns out, I've done a 180 and no longer am looking to outsource. My marriage is on an unexpected, but thrilling rebound (praying and working to make it lasting).
I did try out a profile on AFF briefly. Simply put, it's no place for a married late 50s guy. I chatted briefly with three women. The stories from these interactions are funny as hell and maybe a good post for a future thread."Last post before your reset. Want to spill those stories? Cuz you never did. If you get the hall pass, you may want to consider a polyamory munch (an informal dinner where you meet poly people). It should be a low stress way to test the waters and re-learn courtship/flirting. No time pressure to "move in fast" because no one is "taken" if you hesitate. You may have to wait a while. They may be polysaturated. Then again, such people may already be ineligible by the time you get there. There are ebbs and flows. No, I'm not looking to outsource, at least in an online quest. Odds are stacked against late 50s men on such sites. If a woman I found attractive in a real life situation lit a spark between us I would have little resolve (or reason) to say no. I realize that's not a strategy; just me playing out in my head a scenario. I've lived with this shit for decades. I can do it some more.
I'll start a new thread for amusing online sex hunting stories. |
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