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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:40:36 GMT -5
He is not in love with me. I am the pet wifey. He feels obligated to kiss me three times a day, and tell me he loves me. I parrot the words back to him. I am expected to be a good wifey and be happy for all he gives me. My unhappiness baffles him. He wants to make it better, but on his terms. If I make requests, I'm being demanding. Making demands means I need to be taught patience. I need to compromise. I shouldn't have such high expectations. Reading this...yes...H dotes on me like daughter. He gives money freely. He cleans. He does a lot. Why can't I be happy? He is happy. |
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:43:26 GMT -5
Ditto, beeman. I've reached a conclusion that my wife does seem to genuinely love me. Maybe even as much as I love her. But...... she does not express love in a way that's meaningful to me. Conversely, my instinctive expressions of love are received as neutral or negative by her. There is a very fundamental mismatch. Then pile on that she doesn't get pleasure from sex, so she has no desire for it and sees it as an inconvenience. I imagine it's like giving my cat a hug. That's my natural expression, but it means nothing to the cat, and in fact it just wants to escape. And if my cat caught a bird and brought it inside to share with me, well... that may be significant to the cat, but ewww. And, yeah... we're never going to have an honest discussion about this. Perhaps because she isn't introspective enough to see her own motivations, or doesn't want to believe her own lack of desire. But certainly because she realizes the ramifications of admitting things can get no better. I've always hoped that there was an ember there that I just needed to ignite. Or that maybe someone else would be able to. Now I'm pretty sure that was never the case. DC DC, not to make light of your situation or mine, but the cat hugging image, well, it left me  . Never did care much for cats. Probably shouldn't have gotten one. Oh, wait, it was a cat dressed in husband's clothing. The bastard fooled me! Thanks for the laugh. Needed that. I'm sorry you're in the cat rescue with me and neither one of us can find our way out. My boy cat loves me! I get more lovin from him in a day than months with the H. We have even joked about this. |
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:51:24 GMT -5
I think that avoidant spouses "love" what being married to you brings to their table (financier, social accessory, child minder, etc etc) but it doesn't follow that they particularly love you, the individual. This is what I worry about. I left my career to raise our children. I homeschool, tend their diseases, and ultimately I am one good mama. Just stating a fact. If I bring up leaving he tells me I am no capable of doing this things without him. That crushed me. If I am capable with him why not without him? I was crushed that day, because before that I thought he thought me amazing in my roles, loving in my sacrifices, and capable. I know he said this to deter me leaving. I really do know that. .... |
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:53:28 GMT -5
So she does not share feelings. She can't even say how she feels. And I have found that I can't really do anything for her: whatever I do is somehow wrong, and I tried and tried and tried over the years and it only pissed her off. So I stopped trying and she is much happier that way. When we cuddle in the evening, it is she petting and stroking and cuddling me, I just put my head in her lap and kind of semi-doze and float. The absurd thing is that she's happier since I stopped trying to do things for her. Unfortunately MY movie says that I get a lot of happiness out of doing things for my lover. And so - I actually have difficulty seeing her as my lover any more. I can only really see her as a kind of BFF with non-sexual benefits. I have had good, solid relationships like that before, but they didn't start out as a marriage. They were about friendship, and not about love. So much of this parallels my own experience. W will cuddle, but I dare not reciprocate, and sure as hell better not try anything sensual. I call it a very "arms length" kind of intimacy, always keeping emotional distance. DC See, this bewilders me! He will get in a mood to give me a hug or cuddle. I will let my guard down and I am so sex starved I could just eat him alive. He has actually rolled his eyes, Like God what did I start! |
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. Never did care much for cats. Probably shouldn't have gotten one. Oh, wait, it was a cat dressed in husband's clothing. The bastard fooled me!
