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Post by ggold on Jun 20, 2016 15:55:16 GMT -5
I'm just repeating what I've said elsewhere - sorry for sounding like a broken record. I believe that you can only love another as much as you truly love and accept yourself. I think our refusers have too many of their own demons and ultimately, just don't have the love to give. In their own twisted and inadequate way, they love us. But it's broken love. And broken love just doesn't cut it. I'm not going to claim that I have no issues. For starters, how the hell did I end up with this kind of marriage? I chose this man. What were/are my issues that I have allowed this for so long? That I decided somehow this was all I was worth? I've sorted a lot of this out in therapy and I think that's what brought me here - realizing the situation for what it is and beginning to claw my way out. No matter how long it takes me. And right now, it's looking like a long haul. This is so true!! I ask myself the same questions. My therapy has helped me to figure out a lot about myself and how I got to where I am today. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 20, 2016 16:18:40 GMT -5
By seeing my spouses reaction to the councilor, is what may have been the most helpful of all. Seeing her zero participation, and her attitude of, " none of this is my fault, or problem, it is him who needs fixing".
Verifying that my spouse is a " manipulative controller ".
Verifying That my spouse sees one way solutions to problems.
All of these things , from counceling, that tell me she will have her own set of issues to deal with. As long as she is in denial of these things, I can not work on " fixing such a damaged relationship." And fix my own problems as well.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 21, 2016 0:49:20 GMT -5
He is not in love with me.
I am the pet wifey.
He feels obligated to kiss me three times a day, and tell me he loves me. I parrot the words back to him.
I am expected to be a good wifey and be happy for all he gives me.
My unhappiness baffles him. He wants to make it better, but on his terms. If I make requests, I'm being demanding. Making demands means I need to be taught patience. I need to compromise. I shouldn't have such high expectations.
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Post by iceman on Jun 21, 2016 9:10:15 GMT -5
He is not in love with me. I am the pet wifey. He feels obligated to kiss me three times a day, and tell me he loves me. I parrot the words back to him. I am expected to be a good wifey and be happy for all he gives me. My unhappiness baffles him. He wants to make it better, but on his terms. If I make requests, I'm being demanding. Making demands means I need to be taught patience. I need to compromise. I shouldn't have such high expectations. That's my wife. She wants to make it better but on her terms. In her mind none of this is her fault. She thinks she's perfectly justified in behaving as she does and I need to show patience and understanding. I'm pretty understanding and patient but I have limits that were exceeded about 5 years ago and nothing has really changed. Haven't really seen her making an effort. It's only gotten worse. And I get the rote 'I love you's' as well to which I'm expected to parrot it back. Like that's going to make everything better ... |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 21, 2016 9:14:04 GMT -5
I agree with some sentiments on here.... she is just not a sexual person. Never masturbates, never shows sexual desire... expects the romantic type love without the dirty sex part.... besides, that's for young attractive people only right? Is not an intent to hurt on her part, just different expectations... Holy crap, I think you just nailed it for me too. While my wife talks about a very flirtatious, somewhat promiscuous youth ( which I learned long ago I tend to prefer in my partners), I guess the seven years of solitude killed a lot of that. It clicked with me this weekend that for her, I'm a friend and occasional companion more than any sort of romantic lover. This is most obviously born out in our main forms of communication- text messages and Google chat during the day trading interesting stories, much like I do with any of my other friends. And when we're both home from work it's mostly her unloading on me what happened during her day as she would to a friend, whereas I've realized I've become preconditioned to say very little about what's on my mind, as I've learned that most of time she's not really interested. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 21, 2016 9:36:49 GMT -5
I agree with some sentiments on here.... she is just not a sexual person. Never masturbates, never shows sexual desire... expects the romantic type love without the dirty sex part.... besides, that's for young attractive people only right? Is not an intent to hurt on her part, just different expectations... Holy crap, I think you just nailed it for me too. While my wife talks about a very flirtatious, somewhat promiscuous youth ( which I learned long ago I tend to prefer in my partners), I guess the seven years of solitude killed a lot of that. It clicked with me this weekend that for her, I'm a friend and occasional companion more than any sort of romantic lover. This is most obviously born out in our main forms of communication- text messages and Google chat during the day trading interesting stories, much like I do with any of my other friends. And when we're both home from work it's mostly her unloading on me what happened during her day as she would to a friend, whereas I've realized I've become preconditioned to say very little about what's on my mind, as I've learned that most of time she's not really interested. I see his long detailed dramatic descriptions of his work day as a barrier to keep me at a distance. He's saying "See how busy I am, I need to come home and have down time" |
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Post by iceman on Jun 21, 2016 9:56:51 GMT -5
And when we're both home from work it's mostly her unloading on me what happened during her day as she would to a friend, whereas I've realized I've become preconditioned to say very little about what's on my mind, as I've learned that most of time she's not really interested. That describes my entire marriage. It has revolved around her feelings and accommodating her feelings. My feelings don't matter to her. In her mind her feelings are valid and mine are not. Plain and simple ... |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:36:14 GMT -5
I agree with some sentiments on here.... she is just not a sexual person. Never masturbates, never shows sexual desire... expects the romantic type love without the dirty sex part.... besides, that's for young attractive people only right? Is not an intent to hurt on her part, just different expectations... Holy crap, I think you just nailed it for me too. While my wife talks about a very flirtatious, somewhat promiscuous youth ( which I learned long ago I tend to prefer in my partners), I guess the seven years of solitude killed a lot of that. It clicked with me this weekend that for her, I'm a friend and occasional companion more than any sort of romantic lover. This is most obviously born out in our main forms of communication- text messages and Google chat during the day trading interesting stories, much like I do with any of my other friends. And when we're both home from work it's mostly her unloading on me what happened during her day as she would to a friend, whereas I've realized I've become preconditioned to say very little about what's on my mind, as I've learned that most of time she's not really interested. I hear u on this!!!...she gets to unload her crap on me....sometimes even yelling... but pays no attention when I try to talk about my day...and never asks about it and is totally disinterested in anything about my life.... |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:37:46 GMT -5
That describes my entire marriage. It has revolved around her feelings and accommodating her feelings. My feelings don't matter to her. In her mind her feelings are valid and mine are not. Plain and simple ... In the same boat.... hate having my feelings not mean shit to the closest person in my life.... |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 21, 2016 13:48:19 GMT -5
I guarantee that not one spouse of any person in a SM is in love with them. Sorry. Romantic love, especially that "in love" period means sexual desire.
Love? Depends on your definition. Or theirs, more accurately. More likely they love the status quo and as long as you are helping to maintain it for them, they love you. But if they never make any attempt to meet your needs, that's all it is. You are like a comfortable enough couch. Good enough to keep around, not totally useless, but not good enough to get new upholstery.
Do they LOVE that couch? Well, they don't hate it. Maybe they feel some affection towards it, the history they've had with it, its dependability, the fact that it doesn't ask for much.
Are you a couch? And if so, do you want to be one forever?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 14:20:49 GMT -5
Depends - am I an expensive *custom* couch? With down batting in the cushions? And a solid hand-built, hardwood frame? Or am I a crappy knock off from China? Sorry, feeling cheeky today. But seriously... You're spot on nyartgal. No one should have to be a couch, custom or otherwise. I kind of fancy myself custom tho...  Husband just doesn't appreciate fine furnishings. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 21, 2016 14:39:50 GMT -5
Hahaha! It doesn't matter if you are the fanciest couch in the world---you want your spouse to have sex with you, not sit on you!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:18:38 GMT -5
But if he'd let me sit on him?? Well that would fix everything wouldn't it? (Where's the naughty smiley?) |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2016 18:33:31 GMT -5
Wishful thinking, but depending on what one has done on that couch... :-P
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:37:54 GMT -5
I do believe he loves me. I believe the man would take a bullet for me, absolutely. He just won't sleep with me. CRAZY!
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Husband just doesn't appreciate fine furnishings.
