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Post by heelots on Oct 21, 2022 10:07:59 GMT -5
Staying is a very tough choice when there is so little reason to stay married.
My marriage is so shot that my now roommate and I had to drive to a city an hour away. Most of that trip was made in absolute silence, no music/radio or conversation at all. I drove in silence while she fucked around with her phone.
Talk about a miserable trip.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 21, 2022 12:34:21 GMT -5
That really sucks. It sounds like she is sucking your energy and life force. I have been there before. In fact I am pretty sure I wrote about it here somewhere. The good news/bad news is that is a you problem and not a her problem.
She has checked out. You have not. My suggestion is that you think about emotionally detaching. That doesn't mean you don't care. But it does mean she doesn't live rent free in your head.
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Post by dallasgia on Oct 21, 2022 13:30:18 GMT -5
That is the life I live too. I am more alone with him than I am when he’s not around.
My heart goes out to you as a kindred spirit.
It’s such a mind screw.
I cope by spending as much time as possible with other people who supply easy, light, friendly, intimate conversation. I’m afraid intimacy is a muscle and if I don’t use it, I will lose it.
Press on sir heelots .
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Post by heelots on Oct 21, 2022 13:31:01 GMT -5
That really sucks. It sounds like she is sucking your energy and life force. I have been there before. In fact I am pretty sure I wrote about it here somewhere. The good news/bad news is that is a you problem and not a her problem. She has checked out. You have not. My suggestion is that you think about emotionally detaching. That doesn't mean you don't care. But it does mean she doesn't live rent free in your head. I totally agree and for the most part have succeeded most of the time by relegating her to roommate status which I did a couple of years ago. Generally I am good and always keep this thought in mind and it serves me very well. That said, maybe 2-3 times a year I will have brief moments of weakness and relapse by making the mistake of showing some simple act of kindness which history has shown is always a mistake because she never ever responds like a normal wife would. In those moments my roommate without saying a word never neglects proving once again what a stone cold bitch she really is which always ends my brief moment of weakness and right back to the reality that she really is only a roommate. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 21, 2022 14:22:21 GMT -5
Sorry dude. But the tone of your language comes across as resentful. I too have been there.
Resentment is going to hold you back and color your outlook and how the world perceives you. Do you really want your SM to sway this much influence over you? This is something you may want to consider working on.
It might be hard to hear but think of it like advice you won't hear elsewhere.
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Post by heelots on Oct 21, 2022 21:52:55 GMT -5
Sorry dude. But the tone of your language comes across as resentful. I too have been there. Resentment is going to hold you back and color your outlook and how the world perceives you. Do you really want your SM to sway this much influence over you? This is something you may want to consider working on. It might be hard to hear but think of it like advice you won't hear elsewhere. Sure there is resentment and hurt, I agree. The sad part is what I have now is at for me a lower and more manageable level than it was before I started looking at her as a roommate! 🙄 Staying in this marriage I doubt I will be feeling much better than I do right now! LOL |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 23, 2022 22:29:31 GMT -5
I lived that too. Sad to feel alone and lonely when you are with your spouse. But yes roommates is what I considered it for a very long time.
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Post by heelots on Oct 23, 2022 23:21:38 GMT -5
I lived that too. Sad to feel alone and lonely when you are with your spouse. But yes roommates is what I considered it for a very long time. Only thing you can do to stay and not go batcrap crazy right!😄 |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 24, 2022 7:41:51 GMT -5
Staying is a very tough choice when there is so little reason to stay married. My marriage is so shot that my now roommate and I had to drive to a city an hour away. Most of that trip was made in absolute silence, no music/radio or conversation at all. I drove in silence while she fucked around with her phone. Talk about a miserable trip. Why no music? I like podcasts, myself. Maybe even find one your roommate would tune in for. My wife likes to play games on road trips too, but she can tune out my podcasts and she even brought one for us to listen to together last year. It wasn't exactly my taste, (an autobiography by a self-aggrandizing future historical asterisk) but just that she was thinking about sharing an experience like that was terribly welcome. The podcast was okay, chitchatting about the show was the good part. Previously, you have lamented finances are what keep you there. Would you be open to hashing the finances out? What can be done to cut that final tether? The reward for finding teh exit is high. You're one of the most unhappy folks I've seen come to ILIASM and I'd really like to see if there's any way out for you both. (It seems clear she's not pleased to be "stuck" either and your escape would not be unwelcome, as infuriating as that may sound. If you've gone over it before, I'll ask your indulgence. How can we kill the money problem? Let's do this. Oh wait! You're way ahead of me! You started a new thread! iliasm.org/thread/6190/looking-opinions |
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 24, 2022 9:02:51 GMT -5
Sorry dude. But the tone of your language comes across as resentful. I too have been there. Resentment is going to hold you back and color your outlook and how the world perceives you. Do you really want your SM to sway this much influence over you? This is something you may want to consider working on. It might be hard to hear but think of it like advice you won't hear elsewhere. I feel heelots because I'm in the same boat. I feel so much resentment because affection, when attempted, is a one way street. Yet, I get some "victory" (lame, I know) in pulling myself up and not being negative/bitter. She has enough of that for both of us. Feeling positive is difficult at times, but is a decision I have to make and remind myself to model positive behaviors/attitudes. If she can see me as the steady, positive force it will either 1) draw her towards me (ok, highly unlikely) or 2) piss her off that she no longer controls me. Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait. |
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Post by heelots on Oct 24, 2022 9:39:08 GMT -5
Sorry dude. But the tone of your language comes across as resentful. I too have been there. Resentment is going to hold you back and color your outlook and how the world perceives you. Do you really want your SM to sway this much influence over you? This is something you may want to consider working on. It might be hard to hear but think of it like advice you won't hear elsewhere. I feel heelots because I'm in the same boat. I feel so much resentment because affection, when attempted, is a one way street. Yet, I get some "victory" (lame, I know) in pulling myself up and not being negative/bitter. She has enough of that for both of us. Feeling positive is difficult at times, but is a decision I have to make and remind myself to model positive behaviors/attitudes. If she can see me as the steady, positive force it will either 1) draw her towards me (ok, highly unlikely) or 2) piss her off that she no longer controls me. Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait. In 25 years of marriage not once did my wife ever initiate a conversation with me about either sex, or intimacy. I now believe she never gave a damn about either from day one. I hope for your sake you are right and your wife will bring up the subject. |
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 24, 2022 10:07:56 GMT -5
I feel heelots because I'm in the same boat. I feel so much resentment because affection, when attempted, is a one way street. Yet, I get some "victory" (lame, I know) in pulling myself up and not being negative/bitter. She has enough of that for both of us. Feeling positive is difficult at times, but is a decision I have to make and remind myself to model positive behaviors/attitudes. If she can see me as the steady, positive force it will either 1) draw her towards me (ok, highly unlikely) or 2) piss her off that she no longer controls me. Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait. In 25 years of marriage not once did my wife ever initiate a conversation with me about either sex, or intimacy. I now believe she never gave a damn about either from day one. I hope for your sake you are right and your wife will bring up the subject. Same. She won't bring up sex or intimacy. She will bring up "why are you so distant" and "why are you sleeping in the guest bedroom?" When the obligatory morning grandmother kiss goodbye isn't reciprocated, her curiosity will get the better of her and yes, she really is that clueless. That will be my opening to the conversation. I don't want a roommate. I'm not yet ready for ultimatums, but she can expect zero emotional deposits from me while she is making withdrawals. This may blow up spectacularly, but hey it's a plan. I'm a newbie here so I don't have any advice. I'll update what happens and share more of my situation when there is something to tell. Meanwhile, I gotta tell myself "stay positive, don't let her drag you down, be someone others want to be around, find joy and some laughter every day." |
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Post by heelots on Oct 24, 2022 11:11:21 GMT -5
Some of the issues you mentioned never were from day one part of my marriage. Literally from the start virtually any kisses of any kind, or any intimacy was always initiated by me. It took a while, but I finally noticed that she never commented in any way when I withheld affection, intimacy, or anything! In fact, I now believe that she appreciated my withdrawal and certainly wanted nothing to do with encouraging me to resume any of that nonsense! As for sleeping separately she took care of that herself several years ago and I had nothing to do with initiating that.
My roommate would never do anything like ask questions that might encourage me to try and increase attempts at affection, intimacy, or God forbid sex!
You are indeed fortunate that you are not in a situation so far gone as this. At least your mate still has some mild expectations and would actually question absence of such.
Early on before I gave up on my roommate I tried the same thing with the same hopes as yours. That was when she showed me just how very little she cared by totally ignoring the total absence of any form of intimacy in any way. My wife just carried on like all was well and never missed a beat! That was the beginning of the end, that was where it started and it never stopped. After a while I figured out that for her I was and remain just a paycheck.
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 24, 2022 13:04:01 GMT -5
Some of the issues you mentioned never were from day one part of my marriage. Literally from the start virtually any kisses of any kind, or any intimacy was always initiated by me. It took a while, but I finally noticed that she never commented in any way when I withheld affection, intimacy, or anything! In fact, I now believe that she appreciated my withdrawal and certainly wanted nothing to do with encouraging me to resume any of that nonsense! As for sleeping separately she took care of that herself several years ago and I had nothing to do with initiating that. My roommate would never do anything like ask questions that might encourage me to try and increase attempts at affection, intimacy, or God forbid sex! You are indeed fortunate that you are not in a situation so far gone as this. At least your mate still has some mild expectations and would actually question absence of such. Yikes! So sorry man. I'm not sure which is worse: a woman who pretends to still be emotionally invested but withholds sex, or a woman who has no pretense of wanting affection. On second thought, I still have a glimmer of hope and clearly you do not. I have relegated mine to roommate status just recently, but she will be slow to recognize it. But she will recognize it soon, and will be wide-eyed in wonder why anything could be wrong. Then she will get pissed. Then she will pull the crying and "I'm just a terrible wife" ploy to try to make me feel bad. (Please, please say that roommate!). The likely result will be "I will try" and of course nothing will change. You're correct. My situation is awful, yet somehow *better* than yours. Much strength to you brother. BTW, I'm also in KS. Must be in the wind. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 24, 2022 15:17:11 GMT -5
blunder8 said: "Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait."
I did the things you are trying -- stopped the cousin like good-bye kisses in the morning; stopped talking about intimacy and my refuser never said a mumbling word about what was going on. He did, however, respond quickly when I finally told him I wanted a divorce or to go into marital counseling again (That wasn't quite the truth. My plan was that if he chose marital counseling, I'd use it to help him, if he really wanted to stay married, realize the marriage was over and I was getting out). He quickly chose divorce. It also ended up he'd been having an affair and had even thought he'd fathered a baby, whom he'd been supporting for 2 years (FWIW In my divorce settlement, I required DNA testing of that child, who ended up not being. his).
So, don't base your decision on whether your wife responds to your stopping all talk/actions involving intimacy. Decide what you want that is under your control (an intimacy less marriage or a divorce) and then proceed based on that.
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