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Post by blunder8 on Oct 24, 2022 17:18:33 GMT -5
blunder8 said: "Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait." I did the things you are trying -- stopped the cousin like good-bye kisses in the morning; stopped talking about intimacy and my refuser never said a mumbling word about what was going on. He did, however, respond quickly when I finally told him I wanted a divorce or to go into marital counseling again (That wasn't quite the truth. My plan was that if he chose marital counseling, I'd use it to help him, if he really wanted to stay married, realize the marriage was over and I was getting out). He quickly chose divorce. It also ended up he'd been having an affair and had even thought he'd fathered a baby, whom he'd been supporting for 2 years (FWIW In my divorce settlement, I required DNA testing of that child, who ended up not being. his). So, don't base your decision on whether your wife responds to your stopping all talk/actions involving intimacy. Decide what you want that is under your control (an intimacy less marriage or a divorce) and then proceed based on that. Thanks for commenting. I admit it's a gamble but I think I know her and this will eventually smoke her out and lead to a conversation, which is the immediate goal. If it doesn't work, I'll at least have more practice at working on myself and my goals, while getting better at distancing myself from the refuser (which rhymes with abuser). I'm playing the long game.....need a conversation to better see the playing field and next steps. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 25, 2022 11:05:12 GMT -5
blunder8 heelotsI feel for you both. My situation was a little different than yours but I did go through my resentment and emotionally detaching phase. I only wish I was quicker to process all those emotions and thoughts and exit "that stage". I do consider it a phase and would emcourage you to do all you can to detach emotionally and let go of resentment. It is a heavy burden to carry. Life is too short. I encourage you to seek out things that bring enjoyment to you and pursue those. Whether you include your spouse or not is up to you and not important I think. But find hobbies or activities that bring enjoyment and throw yourselves into them.
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 25, 2022 11:57:06 GMT -5
blunder8 heelots I feel for you both. My situation was a little different than yours but I did go through my resentment and emotionally detaching phase. I only wish I was quicker to process all those emotions and thoughts and exit "that stage". I do consider it a phase and would emcourage you to do all you can to detach emotionally and let go of resentment. It is a heavy burden to carry. Life is too short. I encourage you to seek out things that bring enjoyment to you and pursue those. Whether you include your spouse or not is up to you and not important I think. But find hobbies or activities that bring enjoyment and throw yourselves into them. Was there a breakthrough moment for you when you could let go of the resentment? A gradual process? For me currently, resentment makes the emotionally detaching easier. I know long term resentment won't serve me well. Today I'm failing on the letting go of the resentment. My situation has an extra wrinkle because we have an adult son with special needs that lives with us. This makes it harder to pursue any activity spontaneously because I try to involve him in things and make his life meaningful, and I do so cheerfully. Just doesn't leave much time to pursue any hobbies or interests that are uniquely mine. THANKS again for you and others that offer support. It's nice to have a place to vent and seek advice in a place where people inherently "get it." |
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 25, 2022 12:06:49 GMT -5
blunder8 said: "Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait." I did the things you are trying -- stopped the cousin like good-bye kisses in the morning; stopped talking about intimacy and my refuser never said a mumbling word about what was going on. He did, however, respond quickly when I finally told him I wanted a divorce or to go into marital counseling again (That wasn't quite the truth. My plan was that if he chose marital counseling, I'd use it to help him, if he really wanted to stay married, realize the marriage was over and I was getting out). He quickly chose divorce. It also ended up he'd been having an affair and had even thought he'd fathered a baby, whom he'd been supporting for 2 years (FWIW In my divorce settlement, I required DNA testing of that child, who ended up not being. his). So, don't base your decision on whether your wife responds to your stopping all talk/actions involving intimacy. Decide what you want that is under your control (an intimacy less marriage or a divorce) and then proceed based on that. I re-read your post and my reply and realize I may have come off as dismissive. Sorry about that. If I understand your point, it is to decide an outcome and work toward that end, rather than letting the refuser influence the outcome. That resonates with me. I realize I have been neglected and disrespected so long that I need to grow a pair and be the one in charge. My epiphany: all these years she has been doing this and I let her do it. Ouch! Thanks for your words of support and advice. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 25, 2022 12:25:14 GMT -5
In 25 years of marriage not once did my wife ever initiate a conversation with me about either sex, or intimacy. I now believe she never gave a damn about either from day one. I hope for your sake you are right and your wife will bring up the subject. Same. She won't bring up sex or intimacy. She will bring up "why are you so distant" and "why are you sleeping in the guest bedroom?" When the obligatory morning grandmother kiss goodbye isn't reciprocated, her curiosity will get the better of her and yes, she really is that clueless. That will be my opening to the conversation. I don't want a roommate. I'm not yet ready for ultimatums, but she can expect zero emotional deposits from me while she is making withdrawals. This may blow up spectacularly, but hey it's a plan. I'm a newbie here so I don't have any advice. I'll update what happens and share more of my situation when there is something to tell. Meanwhile, I gotta tell myself "stay positive, don't let her drag you down, be someone others want to be around, find joy and some laughter every day." I've always thought the cluelessness of refusers to be a sad act, at least, if they are human beings. "Didn't we just have sex not long ago??" "Why are you always so mad??" I guess in the end there is no hope either way. They either know they are refusing and lying, or they really are that dumb, and they actually need a therapist to tell them to start having sex. "I don't want to have sex with you, but this professional told me to have sex with you, so I'll try it." Doomed either way. |
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Post by h on Oct 25, 2022 16:31:47 GMT -5
I wrote about it in the link below: link.medium.com/MczKJHsjqubFor me, I couldn't get past my resentment until I gave up all hope of fixing my marriage. Once I finally gave up hope, the resentment faded away pretty quickly. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 25, 2022 19:39:22 GMT -5
blunder8 (with apologies to heelots for hijacking yor thread) >>Was there a breakthrough moment for you when you could let go of the resentment? A gradual process? << It was a long process. For me it was difficult because I kept thinking I could fix it. It took me a long time to realize you have to see others for who they are and not what you want them to be. What moved the needle significantly was I started looking at things from my perspective. I stopped seeking fulfillment from the relationship. I looked for that fulfillment in other things. I think including your son in activities and allowing him to have a meaningful life is a wonderful way to spend your time. There is nothing that makes us more human than caring for those who are vulnerable. I do hope that you are able to find some time for yourself. Even if its a few hours weekly. Im sure your son would also want that for you. I'm here to help support and provide some comraderie if I can. This forum was a source of comfort when I needed it.
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 25, 2022 20:01:54 GMT -5
I wrote about it in the link below: link.medium.com/MczKJHsjqubFor me, I couldn't get past my resentment until I gave up all hope of fixing my marriage. Once I finally gave up hope, the resentment faded away pretty quickly. That article is as informative as it is over the top sad. Thanks for sharing this. I still have a pocketful of hope left, which puts me in the situation you described so well. (Could tonight be the night? Maybe? Damn it, that bitch refused me again!) The loneliness that comes from both rejection and having no one to talk to is the worst. |
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 25, 2022 20:14:56 GMT -5
"What moved the needle significantly was I started looking at things from my perspective. I stopped seeking fulfillment from the relationship. I looked for that fulfillment in other things."
Easier said than done, but solid advice nonetheless. Y'all are amazing . . . victims of undeserved neglect and hurt but still able to offer level-headed, reasoned counsel. I'll go to bed with resentment, but hopefully shed just a little bit of it tomorrow and the next day and so on.
i missed it . . . did you stay or split?
>>>sorry also to heelots for hijacking his thread
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 25, 2022 20:22:07 GMT -5
I'm in the staying but straying camp.
That 100% did wonders for my self esteem and lifted the brain fog.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 26, 2022 7:06:13 GMT -5
If she can see me as the steady, positive force it will either 1) draw her towards me (ok, highly unlikely) or 2) piss her off that she no longer controls me. Because she rebuffs every attempt to discuss that lack of intimacy is a huge problem, my pulling away will eventually prompt the conversation from her. I am so ready for that. It's coming soon, so I'll wait. If you get sick of waiting and want to discuss the inadequate sex life one last time, (and I mean the very last time), perhaps this page can help you construct what's called around here: " THE TALK" (not a talk. THE Talk) baza would advise having had some legal counsel in case she responds to your end of "The TALK" (no matter who starts it) with divorce papers. You don't need to file. Just know what filing would entail. You don't want to try to think clearly about how you'd want a divorce to go, after being served. You don't have to serve papers in order to be ready to be served. You'll have a phone number and the prepared words ready, "Well, she did it. Can you write up what we discussed and send it to me? I can hand it to her Thursday." Or make it cool: "Mason? This is Gagarin. We have a go on 'Steve McQueen'." <pause> "On it." |
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