Retirement looms

OPerations SECurity

Wow, terrific "Talk". Kudos.
The tweak I would have given is not using the word "allow". After his lengthy history, I wouldn't encourage the idea in his head that he has veto power over your natural, ordinary sexuality. He has admitted he demands celibacy if you want to stay his wife. Perhaps you're contemplating testing his resolve. Giving him agency over your body makes him think he has some fictional "right" to defend. Start eroding that unhealthy attitude, stat.

Baza offered his relentless, sound advice. I'd suggest you follow it immediately, laying groundwork so that if your husband decides to marry a celibate woman instead (perhaps ILIASM gents can offer some terrific referrals!), it can be an orderly, uneventful process. (as much as is possible, anyway)

Starting immediately includes tallying assets to be divided. I've suggested to some members to make a will. There's lots of overlap and should be done anyway.

For the support side of things, pick a night or two each week for an activity of some kind to break up teh week. This cuts down on alone time which might bring on melancholic moods of regret if you divorce. Pity parties suck. Meetup.com? Therapy session/support group? (I wonder if anyone on ILIASM has gone to a divorce support group BEFORE divorcing) Maybe, look up an old friend and get a coffee, a drink, or some nosh? Church activities (you said you were in a small town, right? Church seems to be ground zero for socializing I hear)? Road trips to a bigger town where meetups do happen, if they don't where you live?

Scoping out new living quarters if the divorce includes moving out (usually does), budgeting such new living arrangements. Maybe planning interim living arrangements (friends/family) for a month or two if the budget requires a roommate (one who doesn't mind you having a sex life).

If you want to test his boundaries, I'd be curious as to his reaction to your heading out for your social event, but you don't specify what it is. Make him ask every time. Some of us at ILIASM ask "What business is it of the refuser? It's not as though STDs are a risk. If you want a say in my sex life, be part of it, or ignore it; you know, like you did before."

ILIASM member, jerri , made a special point of leveling up on the four love languages that mattered to her husband. (Five if he likes his shoulders rubbed, but nothing below the equator? Or maybe even that if you're game and getting some good stuff elsewhere.) This may make the prospect of growing old with you seem like a very good idea to him, and okay with you too.

Once you have a platonic social life going, mixing in a romantic one should be a minimal transition, unless he values the fidelity societal norm, but not the marital obligations one that often helps to prevent the former.

Sister cobweb .

This idea of doing things you enjoy and interacting with people who's company you enjoy is pretty much "shoring up your support group" which is one of the fundamental things needed in managing these ILIASM situations. It's a real good idea, for anyone, irrespective of one's marital situation.

In regard to the other 3 fundementals (legal counsel, exit strategy, shepherding kids through such a situation) you can start on right now if you want. Getting those things checked out now commits you to precisely nothing. All it is is information gathering - the sort of information any married person should have irrespective of whether the marriage is made in heaven or an ILIASM deal.
ALL marriages end. Death or divorce see to that fact.

Cobweb said: "Part of what keeps me in the marriage is that we have both worked so dammed hard, saved so dammed carefully and maybe missed out on some fun along the way. We now own a lovely home, can afford to finally enjoy some nice holidays and can look forward to a comfortable (relatively early) retirement together with just about enough to help the kids out a bit too. We divorce and it will be back to scrimping, delayed retirement, no money to help the kids out, limited spare for socialising and two considerably less appealing properties between us. All do-able and nothing we haven't done before but it all seems such a waste to let it go."

Info about sunk costs: "This is known as the sunk cost fallacy. We are likely to continue an endeavor if we have already invested in it, whether it be a monetary investment or the effort that we put into the decision.That often means we go against evidence that shows it is no longer the best decision....

The sunk cost fallacy means that we are making irrational decisions because we are factoring in influences other than the current alternatives. The fallacy affects many different areas of our lives leading to suboptimal outcomes.

These outcomes range from deciding to stay with a partner even if we are unhappy because we’ve already invested years of our lives with them, to continuing to spend money renovating an old house, even if it would be cheaper to buy a new one because we’ve already invested money into it.

The sunk cost fallacy occurs because we are not purely rational decision-makers and are often influenced by our emotions. When we have previously invested in a choice, we are likely to feel guilty or regretful if we do not follow through on that decision. The sunk cost fallacy is associated with the commitment bias, where we continue to support our past decisions despite new evidence suggesting that it isn’t the best course of action.

We fail to take into account that whatever time, effort or money that we have already expended will not be recovered. We end up making decisions based on past costs and instead of present and future costs and benefits, which are the only ones that rationally should make a difference." thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy

My comment: I divorced at 61 after being married for 34 years. I knew my standard of living would drop but I preferred that to staying in my lovely house with a husband whom I had little emotional and no physical connection with. I also had seen my mom stay in a miserable marriage due to fear of what others would say and due to fears of how her standard of living would drop. In her senior years, she ended up having to play nursemaid for several years to my father after he had a series of strokes. By the time he died, she was so depressed and miserable that she literally prayed every night to die until several years later she finally did.

I didn't want that in my future nor did I want my intimacy-averse husband to have to play nursemaid to me if I got sick.

Anyway, I got divorced and have never regretted it. To my surprise, I also ended up being with a partner who loves me and loves sex. We've now been together for 9 years and it's the best relationship of my life. I also ended up moving abroad to a place with a much lower cost of living, something I'd never considered when I was married. Where I live is so lovely and interesting to me that travel isn't as important as it was when I was in a miserable marriage. Still, I have gone on some nice trips and have thoroughly enjoyed them and have enjoyed them much more than I would have with my ex. The last trips I'd taken with my ex were enjoyable only when he wasn't around. Solo trips would have been much more fun than traveling with him. By the way, I did delay my retirement and in doing so, worked jobs i didn't like, but it was worth it to not still be living with a man who didn't care about my physical and emotional needs.

As for helping out the kids, I don't see it as my responsibility to help out adult kids. I didn't expect that from my parents. I raised my kids not to expect that of me.

I'm telling you my experience, not encouraging you to leave. I do encourage you, however, to really think about the consequences of the choices you're making. If the possibility of future trips, giving to your kids, staying in the same lovely house, taking early retirement mean staying with your intimacy-averse husband is the  the best choice in your view, stay. Just realize that when you're imagining the future, it's just possibilities, not reality because we can't predict how our lives will progress. All we really know is what's going on right now.

You are unlikely to ever have his "blessing" when it comes to outsourcing. Instead, if you are considering outsourcing, to whatever degree, probably the most realistic possibility would be a "don't ask, don't tell" understanding. Notice I said understanding, not agreement. I'm thinking his pride would preclude him ever approving of another man between your legs. You know your H best. Do you really think he would initiate a divorce if he though or suspected you were seeing someone else? Or is he forcing you into compliance with his view of no sex with the threat of his preference of divorce?
And divorce is a distinct possibility. My X preferred divorce to the thought of another woman in picture that would shame her if anyone found out about it.