Post by cobweb on Aug 24, 2022 5:52:30 GMT -5
I posted here a bit back in 2019 and since then nothing has changed. No sex from husband (6yrs since the last encounter) but I still would prefer to stay married than to leave. Over the past few years I have tried to focus on doing things that make me happy and trying to put the lack of intimacy in our marriage out of mind. That's has been going OK and life has ticked along and I generally have a nice, comfortable lifestyle with time to meet friends, enjoy lovely long walks as well as do my work. The kids are nearly grown up and I get to enjoy their company as the young adults they have become. My husband joins me for walks at weekends and we have a few other couples we socialise with which is always fun.
My husband talks of retiring soon and this frankly fills me with considerable concern. He works from home quite a lot anyway so it is not so much that he will be around more it is that he has expectations for our future that I cannot see working out for me. He expects that we will travel widely, taking longer trips together and yes of course if he isn't working anymore, he will potentially start looking to me for companionship on a more daily basis....
I am OK about spending time with him but the lack of intimacy in our marriage is a huge problem for me. I associate holidays / hotel rooms / tents (in fact anywhere new!) as a place where one might get down and dirty with one's partner. And that obviously isn't going to happen. We have had a few trips away in the last few years and I have just walked into a lovely room just made for a bit of fun-time and my heart has sank. I am just reminded of what I am missing. So this idea of lovely long trips would be nice from the point that I like to see new places, meet new people and experience different cultures but it would also be painful to have this constant feeling of something absent from the experience.
Also, my husband and I have a very functional relationship and I now know that I must look to my friends to meet me other needs - to be listened to, to empathise with me, to make me laugh, frankly! Spending an extended period of time just in his company would be extremely difficult for me and would put a big strain on our already fairly fragile relationship.
A while back, when I decided to try to stay in the marriage I said to him that I couldn't see us managing more than long weekends away together or perhaps the odd one week holiday a year, doing something activity-based, maybe within a small group. From the way he talks of retirement he has obviously forgotten this (or brushed it under carpet as unpalatable) and I have tried to remind him without being too brutal but he is surprisingly adamant as to what he expects from retirement. It is as if he thinks that because I have 'got on with things' over the last 3 years (heck we were in lockdown half the time so there wasn't a lot of choice!) that I am transformed and no longer have a problem with this sexless state.
He sees us skipping off into the sunset whilst I see myself quietly persuing my own hobbies, interests and (non-sexual) friends whilst remaining married but somewhat independent.
I am 54yrs old now and he is 57yrs and is hoping to at semi-retire by 60yrs. I will probably keep working but I work for myself and have flexible hours so travel wouldn't be an issue.
How has retirement been for other couples?