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Post by h on Aug 26, 2022 5:35:42 GMT -5
You've tried to remind him of your expectations without being too brutal. He's either not getting your subtlety or he's ignoring it hoping you don't mean it. My advice is to start being blunt. Tell him that if he expects long trips with no intimacy, he can find someone else to travel with.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 26, 2022 9:50:46 GMT -5
The odd weekend away with the girls is one thing but a 2 week trip somewhere nice he just won't understand. If I put it to him that I need the time apart if we are to stay married then I think he will agree to virtually anything, even maybe outsourcing.... It’s possible you might have your cake and eat it too, if he were to endorse an open marriage. Polyamory seems to be growing in popularity, with the social acceptance that one partner doesn’t meet all of one’s needs. It’s not simple, to be sure, but does seem to solve some problems with outsourcing (secrecy, logistics), though it probably brings some new complications. ironhamster here could give you some insight down that path. H’s approval aside, a lot probably depends on how deeply involved you want/need to be with a new partner. If you’re both just looking to scratch an itch on a regular basis plus some trips (a la FWB), that may be easier to manage with your attentions split between two men. But if you become deeply attached to the new person who’s also giving you the affection you crave, will infrequent availability be realistic? Then how do you maintain both? |
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cobweb
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Post by cobweb on Aug 26, 2022 11:08:10 GMT -5
Thanks for explaining Baza. Yes cheating is tempting but I can see it is highly unpredictable. I did say to my husband a few years back that I thought it was extremely unreasonable of him to expect me to remain celebate for the rest of my life and he would have to perhaps accept that at some time in the future I may feel inclined to take a lover. He was very quiet on the matter and just said that that would make him very unhappy. So either I am unhappy or he is unhappy. Not exactly a win/win situation.
A short term affair around a trip away on my own or with a girlfriend may be the least damaging but then I could waste the whole holiday looking for an opportunity and miss out on enjoying the actual time away!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 27, 2022 1:47:38 GMT -5
...A short term affair around a trip away on my own or with a girlfriend may be the least damaging but then I could waste the whole holiday looking for an opportunity and miss out on enjoying the actual time away! You could also make arrangements to meet up with someone on a trip. My first successful affair was with a woman I had met online who was in a sexless marriage also. When we first started chatting, she had a local FWB and no interest in adding anyone to her balanced life, but when her FWB quit, I suggested we meet, and she took me up on a weekend trip. If that weekend trip had been a bust, I think I would have gone back tail between my legs and accepted that my fate was going to be porn and neglect, but, it wasn't. It was everything I was missing. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 27, 2022 10:16:17 GMT -5
Thanks for explaining Baza. Yes cheating is tempting but I can see it is highly unpredictable. I did say to my husband a few years back that I thought it was extremely unreasonable of him to expect me to remain celebate for the rest of my life and he would have to perhaps accept that at some time in the future I may feel inclined to take a lover. He was very quiet on the matter and just said that that would make him very unhappy. So either I am unhappy or he is unhappy. Not exactly a win/win situation. A short term affair around a trip away on my own or with a girlfriend may be the least damaging but then I could waste the whole holiday looking for an opportunity and miss out on enjoying the actual time away! I think your H's response that your having another partner would make him "very unhappy" speaks volumes. What male doesn't want to see his partner sexually satisfied? Him preferring you unhappy while he is content with the status quo does not speak well of him. If he didn't want another male in the picture, then he should set about to remedy his shortcomings. But he has chosen not to do so. Once a spouse takes the position that their partners happiness is no longer a priority then I believe their own happiness should become less of a priority to their partner. Perhaps it is time for another "talk" in which you give him a timeline to address the sexless aspect of the marriage. If he decides not to do so, then he forfeits the right of veto over your sexual monogamy. You know your situation best so you can be forthright and tell him you are stepping out of the marriage, or you can proceed on the downlow along the don't ask, don't tell path. It's your decision to make. |
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cobweb
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Post by cobweb on Aug 28, 2022 11:19:43 GMT -5
Perhaps it is time for another "talk" in which you give him a timeline to address the sexless aspect of the marriage. If he decides not to do so, then he forfeits the right of veto over your sexual monogamy. You know your situation best so you can be forthright and tell him you are stepping out of the marriage, or you can proceed on the downlow along the don't ask, don't tell path. It's your decision to make.
I am almost 100% sure my husband would jump at the chance to have sex again but I have rather closed that door. 28years of rejection, being made to feel I am weird for wanting sex, of looking at me in a pretty dress with a slight cleavage with disgust before telling me I look better in trousers.... so many things, means I cannot imagine opening that door again. He would 'pull it out the bag' no doubt for a while, maybe a couple of months of vaguely regular activity but I have no doubt it would fade again over 12 months and we would be back in the same predicament. Why would I put myself through that again? For a year of faked enthusiasm. My husband doesn't want me for whatever reason and I am not going to allow him to trample on my fragile ego any further. In my book, his behaviour to date already 'forfeits the right of veto over my sexual monogamy' and I gave him a timeline when he was 2yrs into therapy and still hadn't managed to mentioned the fact that he wasn't having sex with his wife - at the end of the 3rd year he had only briefly mentioned that things weren't ideal in the bedroom dept but no actual progress, at least that is what he told me. He just kept saying 'its difficult.' He clearly can't go there and no point expecting/hoping for change any more.
I don't see it as 'if' I have an affair but 'when'. I don't want to get in the middle of someone else's marriage, I don't want to be gossiped about in this small town I live in and I don't want to embarrass my almost grown up parents. I think my husband (who loves to hide his head over most things) would prefer me to outsource without discussing it with him further so I feel no need to ask permission or involve him in any way.
Sadly opportunities are rather lacking  |
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cobweb
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Post by cobweb on Aug 28, 2022 11:21:44 GMT -5
...A short term affair around a trip away on my own or with a girlfriend may be the least damaging but then I could waste the whole holiday looking for an opportunity and miss out on enjoying the actual time away! You could also make arrangements to meet up with someone on a trip. My first successful affair was with a woman I had met online who was in a sexless marriage also. When we first started chatting, she had a local FWB and no interest in adding anyone to her balanced life, but when her FWB quit, I suggested we meet, and she took me up on a weekend trip. If that weekend trip had been a bust, I think I would have gone back tail between my legs and accepted that my fate was going to be porn and neglect, but, it wasn't. It was everything I was missing. Glad you had such a fab experience! I am very green when it comes to social media and am more than a little unsure where to look to find a date online. What if someone I knew saw my profile! I would be so embarrassed and the cat would be really out the bag. It is so public! |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2022 11:39:12 GMT -5
"Glad you had such a fab experience! I am very green when it comes to social media and am more than a little unsure where to look to find a date online. What if someone I knew saw my profile! I would be so embarrassed and the cat would be really out the bag. It is so public!"
I asked one of my good friends, a divorcee, 71, who connects with hook-ups on-line how she does it. She said she's on a hook-up site and doesn't use her real first name. She also doesn't post a picture. She describes herself as a 56-year-old woman (She can pass for 56) who is looking for a no strings attached one time hook-up and then sifts through the many responses she gets. Women get LOTS of responses even if they are older and don't post pictures. Real, legit women who aren't bots or hookers are in short supply on hook-up sites. She doesn't respond to dick pictures. She does respond to men who seem interesting and reasonably intelligent and safe. She communicates with them for a while to see if she really likes them. Once she feels comfortable with them, she agrees to meet them some place for coffee. She sees then if she likes them. And she also kisses them to see if there's chemistry. She said that men don't seem as picky as she is, and seem to be interested in boinking any woman that's willing, but she only will proceed to the next step if she feels chemistry. During the coffee date, each person also reveals their real name so that each can do a Google search before hooking up. She actually says she has the men come to her house for hook-ups but she lives alone. Frankly, I wouldn't want a strange man to come to my house like that, and if I were doing this, would use a hotel. She says she wears jeans and a t-shirt when she greets them, and offers them a drink and then they go to bed.
She showed me a pix of one of the guys she had boinked and he was a hot firefighter in his 40s. She said while she likes being a hunter when it comes to getting partners, she also has to avoid getting hooked on them because in general, the men just want a one time lay. She prefers to have sex with men who are in their 40s as she says that older men have too many erectile problems.
The plus of being a woman on such sites is that you get to trade up: You can usually trade up as there's an overabundance of men on the sites. So, you can get a hotter lover than you could if you were looking for a long-term romantic relationship. The opposite is true for men, especially as they age.As older men are in shorter supply for romantic relationships, older men can trade up. But on hook-up sites, they usually have to get a person who's not as young or attractive as they are.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 28, 2022 12:01:40 GMT -5
I recently returned to Plenty of Fish after a 5-6 absence. I previously posted about how disappointing the return turned out to be. I also live in a small town and that has meant very few prospects in my age demographic on any of the sites I have visited. It may well be different for women as men have always been the hunters and will likely far outnumber women. I would expect you to have a fairly good selection of men to choose from, unless you really live in a sparsely populated area.
Like northstarmom said, you can post a fake profile, without a picture that clearly identifies you. If you aren't big as a house or homely as a lap dog most males would be interested. You just have to decide what you want. A FWB, a long-term relationship with 1 male, or a series of short term hookups. If you are "easy on the eyes" at all you will have plenty of takers.
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cobweb
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Post by cobweb on Aug 28, 2022 13:50:05 GMT -5
Well thanks for the education northstarmom and the advice from worksforme2. I am learning a lot! It would be amazing to be even a little in demand on the sexual front after so long in the wilderness. I didn't expect you would get responses using a fake name and no picture. That protects me and the worry about being spotted at least. Something to think about. Any ladies who have had success on UK sites? What works well for this sort of thing. Definitely looking only for short term hook up. Lucky for me I am the size of studio apartment in an expensive city, so all is not lost! |
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 30, 2022 6:05:49 GMT -5
You could also make arrangements to meet up with someone on a trip. My first successful affair was with a woman I had met online who was in a sexless marriage also. I am very green when it comes to social media and am more than a little unsure where to look to find a date online. What if someone I knew saw my profile! I would be so embarrassed and the cat would be really out the bag. It is so public! Social media??? Did you mean online dating? OKcupid allowed me to search for only married women to weed out any women that would expect/want me to leave my wife (utterly unnecessary, in my eyes, at the time) A good friend of my wife's (and me, to some degree) was also on this site as she was a polyamorous wife. The search function of OKcupid offers a geographic range. How far are you willing to drive for a date? You could choose from 1,2,5,10,25, or 50 miles. In my profile I wrote that I lived 52 miles Northeast of that friend. Unless she chose a 100 mile or more option, my face would not show up. I chose to message women who were 30-45 miles away from where I said I lived, but were actually 5-20 miles away from my real home. Maybe this strategy would work for you. I'd like to add a caveat to the FWB term. The F part, "Friend", is there for decoration, I think. The people who will describe themselves as FWB these days appear to be repelled by notions of developing the relationship further. Attempts to do so will be met with disdain or dissolution. You'll want to clarify that term if a partner of yours uses it or offers such a partnership. ("Relationship" seems too intimate a term for what modern FWBs do) One prospect I admired had a profile pic of her sitting on teh edge of her bed, back to the camera, robe falling off her front. Rated G but artfully erotic. Also helpfully anonymous. A trick I like and admire is putting a "key" into your profile. That married friend I mentioned said to put something about the Rings trilogy in their message if they want a response. It weeds out all the knuckle-draggers who message every women with the same thing and aren't interested in you as a person in any way. Maybe you aren't into a relationship, but anyone who doesn't care about you at all may not put much effort into making a visit good for you. Sorry to hear about your husband's deriding your physical beauty like he did. When you said he was pleasant company, I didn't envision THAT being part of the interaction. Given the impossibility of adult companionship and his discourtesy, I have to wonder about the core of your bond (though I'm loathe to endanger a bond that "no man put asunder"). Buuuuuuut....That one remark made a notion flash before me. Is he daring you to find another? Is this guy into cuckold fantasy? I'd be curious if you put him on notice saying you'd be taking a lover in the next ___ months. You can ask him whether you should lie about it? Say nothing? Tell him about it for safety purposes? Tell him about it like you would a girlfriend? Tell him all the details? Or let him watch? If he flushes and swallows hard after you say that last one... he may have been unable to share his actual desires. And in a small town, who'd be surprised? Might not be of any interest to you, but it'd explain some things. |
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cobweb
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Post by cobweb on Aug 30, 2022 11:08:06 GMT -5
Wow I am learning a lot and it all seems scarily possible. Now I know a website to use, how to pose for my profile shot and what geographic range to enter! Now I just need to decide if I am brave enough to go through with it and if this is really a route that will bring me happiness and fulfillment. My call I guess. Thank you for the detail though as it is really very useful.
Your point about my husband maybe wanting something different on the sexual front has occurred to him and we did discuss it at length in our initial marriage counselling sessions. Certainly his friends had assumed he was gay until I turned up on the scene when he was in his mid to late 20's and he hadn't really had any sexual partners before me. When the counsellor asked him directly if he thought he might be gay he certainly didn't strongly say no, more 'no, no I don't think so'.... which was pretty weak as a defense. At the time I was reasonably understanding and had said that it was better if he was honest but he has never confirmed that is the case. If he announced in now he knows I would be livid as I have said as much. Wasting my life cos he doesn't want to ruin the facade he has built up. Sorry but unacceptable. the chance was there 8 years ago. So I guess I have pushed that cat right bag in the bag and tied a noose around it too! Maybe I should've been a little less vehement in defense of Philip Schofield's wife when he came out the closet....
Anyway maybe he would like watching a bit of male action? Oh goodness I just cannot imagine having THAT conversation..... gulp.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 31, 2022 1:55:00 GMT -5
cobweb, to be fair, “No, thank you” is a legit sexual preference. But when they feel social pressure to conform, they lie to themselves and their partner instead of taking an accurate inventory of themselves and standing up for their preference. They’re unsure, so they try to adapt to the social norm, unsuccessfully. The crime is in dragging a sexual partner into the abyss of failure while refusing to acknowledge they’re uninterested. Like the monkey who’s trapped because he won’t accept the fact that the fruit in his hand is keeping his arm stuck in the hole. I won’t say W was suspected of being asexual, but there was a failed engagement before me that I should have dug into. In hindsight, I now fill in the blanks. She would profess to be a sexual person, but I can only guess that “she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know” and thinks that bar is set pretty low. In her mind, intimacy doesn’t happen because I’ve got a perfect track record of killing the mood. I’m not sure she actually knows what intimacy is, or what she’s missing. Warped perspective. DC
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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2022 12:12:39 GMT -5
Wow I am learning a lot and it all seems scarily possible. Now I know a website to use, how to pose for my profile shot and what geographic range to enter! Now I just need to decide if I am brave enough to go through with it and if this is really a route that will bring me happiness and fulfillment. My call I guess. Thank you for the detail though as it is really very useful. Your point about my husband maybe wanting something different on the sexual front has occurred to him and we did discuss it at length in our initial marriage counselling sessions. Certainly his friends had assumed he was gay until I turned up on the scene when he was in his mid to late 20's and he hadn't really had any sexual partners before me. When the counsellor asked him directly if he thought he might be gay he certainly didn't strongly say no, more 'no, no I don't think so'.... which was pretty weak as a defense. At the time I was reasonably understanding and had said that it was better if he was honest but he has never confirmed that is the case. If he announced in now he knows I would be livid as I have said as much. Wasting my life cos he doesn't want to ruin the facade he has built up. Sorry but unacceptable. the chance was there 8 years ago. So I guess I have pushed that cat right bag in the bag and tied a noose around it too! Maybe I should've been a little less vehement in defense of Philip Schofield's wife when he came out the closet.... Anyway maybe he would like watching a bit of male action? Oh goodness I just cannot imagine having THAT conversation..... gulp. I'm sorry, but I don't know a single guy who when asked if he was gay would have an ambiguous answer. For example, my answer is "hell no!" Even most closeted gay guys will say "hell no!" if only to prevent suspicion. It sounds like the answer you got was "I don't think so(....maybe)" that particular answer means yes. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 6, 2022 20:13:55 GMT -5
cobweb I can totally relate to the deflated feelings of no sex on vacation. I couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. We did a few short ones it was painful. I also started doing my own thing. So the thought of him being there 24/7 was but pleasant for me. Especially when he liked to make me feel guilty if I did things without him and he was at home. I did outsource and that would have been really difficult if we made it to retirement. Honestly I planned to keep working just to not be home with him. Now I can't wait to retire lol But frankly why do you feel like you have to meet his retirement expectations when he didn't meet your married never life expectations? Maybe I had a bad attitude but I quit bending over backwards for him when he chose the room mate path.
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