m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on May 2, 2024 8:46:10 GMT -5
I am still weighing my options - I turn 60 this July and just can't accept a sexless life going forward. More Marriage / sex therapy today - this is going to be discussed since she avoided discussing her issues of dryness, pelvic pain and total lack of desire with her OBGYN. Perhaps a partner for sex and physical intimacy is going to be the option, just unsure at this point. She has started kissing me on the lips, and hugging. She placed my head on her breast yesterday, so are these signs she is crawling her way back - or are they breadcrumbs? Time will tell - but it's getting pretty hard to continue without You seem to be around the same stage as I am, with some minor non sexual touch happening. The next thing that our councilor suggested was masterbation together.....not mutual masturbation. Just solo masturbation but in the same room. She's on board, but I'm dreading it... watching her watching me and not being able to touch her... wtf is this. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 2, 2024 10:41:22 GMT -5
Yeah - that seems to encourage being inside your head and making it a potential failure of an experience. Mutual would work a little better. As far as my experience, it's not like we never did that before - should be OK territory. Buuuut... She admitted a couple of weeks back hat she was avoiding all contact with me because she didn't want to lead me on since she wasn't having sex... I re-explained responsive desire and how I disagreed with her avoidance of all physical intimacy.
she knows about lube, because we have used it before - while yeah, there are physiological reasons for discomfort - it's also a lot of being in her head all the time and making it impossible for her to connect sexually - alone masturbation I think would add to that already giant problem
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on May 2, 2024 10:57:28 GMT -5
"she was avoiding all contact with me because she didn't want to lead me on since she wasn't having sex... I re-explained responsive desire and how I disagreed with her avoidance of all physical intimacy."
My wife said the exact same thing. The thought process behind this is mind boggling. The idea is basically that since I don't want to everything I'm not going to do anything.
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Post by toughtiger on May 3, 2024 8:44:40 GMT -5
It is really silly the thought ... my spouse also does not want to give me a decent hug or such ..."In case i want more."... seriously how does that make sense? .... it would be like a party without snacks... in case guests would expect dinner too...
I told him being able to hug and cuddle is the only thing that he can do to help the situation and keep me from looking elsewhere.
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 3, 2024 10:26:52 GMT -5
We hashed it out, she was pretty hostile, but our therapist told her she was not communicating her needs properly and this was leading to breakdown of a lot of relationship issues. I have my issues as well, but she got pretty rude and aggressive, woke up this morning to a massive apology and a much better explanation of what she needs in order to get back to sexual intimacy. Keeping fingers crossed.
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on May 3, 2024 10:41:47 GMT -5
We hashed it out, she was pretty hostile, but our therapist told her she was not communicating her needs properly and this was leading to breakdown of a lot of relationship issues. I have my issues as well, but she got pretty rude and aggressive, woke up this morning to a massive apology and a much better explanation of what she needs in order to get back to sexual intimacy. Keeping fingers crossed. Also sounds familiar. Any fight or argument usually results in my wife becoming super defensive and aggressive back. However after a few hours she'll come back and apologize and usually admits that I was right. It falls into the attitude that she believes there's nothing wrong with her and it's me that needs to change. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 3, 2024 12:52:02 GMT -5
Yeah - I covered that - it is the attitude more so than the actual sex part (not to dismiss that part of course) - her dismissiveness and cavalier disregard of my needs in relationship is the major problem. She simply wants to focus solely on her needs which do not involve sex at this time. Which our therapist helped pin down that no sex is not a marriage (thank God she said this to her) and that it was unrealistic to expect no sex for our marriage to survive. and we also covered the once a year - year and a half situation also.
My wife assures me that we will get back to more normal than that - time will tell
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Post by worksforme2 on May 3, 2024 14:17:57 GMT -5
I am still weighing my options - I turn 60 this July and just can't accept a sexless life going forward. More Marriage / sex therapy today - this is going to be discussed since she avoided discussing her issues of dryness, pelvic pain and total lack of desire with her OBGYN. Perhaps a partner for sex and physical intimacy is going to be the option, just unsure at this point. She has started kissing me on the lips, and hugging. She placed my head on her breast yesterday, so are these signs she is crawling her way back - or are they breadcrumbs? Time will tell - but it's getting pretty hard to continue without You sound a lot like me 10 yrs ago. I was 65 when my now X decided celibacy was what she wanted. It would have been nice if she had at least given me a "heads up" as to what was in the works. It wasn't anything physical, like you describe about your mrs. With my X it was the completion of menopause. She got plenty wet on the rare occasions we were intimate. But quarterly just was not doing it for me, and no amount of talking brought about a change of heart for her. Hope the counselling gets your W to reconsider her actions. |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 7, 2024 5:53:34 GMT -5
Just curious, lonelyhubby , toughtiger, m76 What are your refusers/deniers' definitions of "forsaking"? How does this treatment differ? |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 7, 2024 7:59:10 GMT -5
I have no idea. This week's Marriage / sex therapy session she repeatedly stated that sex was not important to her - which our therapist focused on and challenged her that it IS important if we want to remain married (thank goodness I didn't have to say it). I am shying away from any comparison or equating sex with duty in marriage as I do not want her to get it in her head that this is a duty and she will associate sex with anything negative like that. we have a date night planned and working on emotional intimacy issues and continuing the non-sexual touch for now.
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m76
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Post by m76 on May 7, 2024 8:13:23 GMT -5
Just curious, lonelyhubby , toughtiger, m76 What are your refusers/deniers' definitions of "forsaking"? How does this treatment differ? Forsaking for her would be cheating or refusing to do what she wants to do... this does not go both ways in her mind. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 7, 2024 8:58:07 GMT -5
Oh, I get it. I outright asked her if she wants to divorce since she has made it so that I can only give acts of service or words of affirmation, and have no way to approach or have sex / physical intimacy - that was the point where she got really angry and defensive, but I think it got the point across - her way isn't working and won't work long term. It may soothe her temporarily and feed her innate need to numb and ignore her physical and emotional vulnerability - but it simply won't work to maintain our relationship or marriage. No sex means no marriage, plain and simple.
funny how the bar after we are married is so much higher than before we got married and had a family. Now I am expected to leap tall buildings in a single bound - damned frustrating, and very unrealistic
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Post by mirrororchid on May 8, 2024 19:12:47 GMT -5
...she repeatedly stated that sex was not important to her - which our therapist focused on and challenged her that it IS important if we want to remain married ILIASM's Apocrypha points out that refusers think sex is so important they avoid it at the risk of their marriage, societal standing, and financial well-being. Good that the therapist has more or less conveyed that point. |
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m76
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Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on May 8, 2024 19:25:27 GMT -5
...she repeatedly stated that sex was not important to her - which our therapist focused on and challenged her that it IS important if we want to remain married ILIASM's Apocrypha points out that refusers think sex is so important they avoid it at the risk of their marriage, societal standing, and financial well-being. Good that the therapist has more or less conveyed that point. As soon as my wife stated she was asexual, it took a lot of the therapist's tools away. The councilor did try to convey to my wife that I did not marry into an asexual relationship it would be difficult for me to adapt and that it's not reasonable to expect me to change to that degree. |
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Post by toughtiger on May 11, 2024 9:55:19 GMT -5
Just curious, lonelyhubby , toughtiger , m76 What are your refusers/deniers' definitions of "forsaking"? How does this treatment differ? My spouse i asked straight up to open the marriage since he does not even try to repair......... he threw a fit and said that would kill the marriage. i reminded him when younger he actually cheated and want me to look past and forgive ...(i was having a difficult time with health and my job and he said he thought i hated him because i did not listen to his advice which in hindsight would have been the worst things to do) so i told him "IF he could make a solid case for rationalization of the double standard ....... i would give a f about his point of view " |
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