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Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 1, 2022 3:21:53 GMT -5
Where should we discuss side relationships?
Feeling a bit frustrated with myself in my side relationship. I feel like there is no one to talk to. I am isolated and stuck in my life... when things go wrong I feel terribly alone.
I raised some wonderful children but now what...
I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... I dont know when I became this person. I feel lost. This feeling will pass, I will forget about it and then it will be back again.
This post is full of "I" and that bothers me but after 20 years of putting others first.... Whats left but to finally view myself.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 1, 2022 8:05:40 GMT -5
Where should we discuss side relationships? Feeling a bit frustrated with myself in my side relationship. I feel like there is no one to talk to. I am isolated and stuck in my life... when things go wrong I feel terribly alone. I raised some wonderful children but now what... I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... I dont know when I became this person. I feel lost. This feeling will pass, I will forget about it and then it will be back again. This post is full of "I" and that bothers me but after 20 years of putting others first.... Whats left but to finally view myself. Feel free to message me . I lived this. Am out 4 years living with ( my side relationship) things couldn't be better. You can also read some of my back post. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 1, 2022 10:35:17 GMT -5
` I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... I dont know when I became this person. I feel lost. This feeling will pass, I will forget about it and then it will be back again. This post is full of "I" and that bothers me but after 20 years of putting others first.... Whats left but to finally view myself. There is nothing wrong with some self-reflection at times. Making the measure of one's own commitment toward various relationships can be healthy. Whether it's work, family, social, or faith related it can be productive to evaluate where you stand as of today. Intimate relationships are no exception. I am evaluating the potential, or lack of potential, in what I thought might be a promising romantic relationship. What I am pondering is if I have led myself to believe there is more interest on her part than there really is. And how do I think she views me at this point. It's always healthy to appraise what one brings to the table. Just be sure to be honest with yourself and try not to be either too critical or too generous in your self-reflection. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 1, 2022 13:41:20 GMT -5
I can sympathize. There is a line from a show I watched which I reflect on when I'm feeling the struggle. I'll leave it here with the thought that you might find inspiration.
Live many lives
"A lot of people believe we only find one true love in our lives. But what they don't realize is that we can have several lives."
Stay strong. This too shall pass.
Best Wishes.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 1, 2022 18:44:52 GMT -5
Where should we discuss side relationships? Feeling a bit frustrated with myself in my side relationship. I feel like there is no one to talk to. I am isolated and stuck in my life... when things go wrong I feel terribly alone. I raised some wonderful children but now what... I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... I don't know when I became this person. I feel lost. This feeling will pass, I will forget about it and then it will be back again. This post is full of "I" and that bothers me but after 20 years of putting others first.... What's left but to finally view myself. We can and are discussing side relationships, are we not? Are you asking which category of threads? (I think "Other relationship issues" is an excellent choice on your part) Why does this married man want to marry you? What's the advantage? That's really the kind of fantasy one stereotypically expects of the lady in these love squares. |
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2022 20:03:47 GMT -5
Where should we discuss side relationships? Feeling a bit frustrated with myself in my side relationship. I feel like there is no one to talk to. I am isolated and stuck in my life... when things go wrong I feel terribly alone. I raised some wonderful children but now what... I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... I dont know when I became this person. I feel lost. This feeling will pass, I will forget about it and then it will be back again. This post is full of "I" and that bothers me but after 20 years of putting others first.... Whats left but to finally view myself. It probably doesn't matter *where* you post a "side relationship" story. I think most members tend to look at new postings irrespective of *where* they may be posted. I don't believe there is a specific heading for outsourcing / cheating / friend with benefits / side relationships. Are you the one who wants to end your ILIASM deal ? Or is it he who wishes to end his deal ? Or is it both of you who want to end your respective marriages ? Or is it neither of you really want to end your marriages ? I think you need to take an objective look at all this. What *HE* does (or doesn't do) is a matter over which you have no control at all. What *YOU* do (or don't do) is a matter over which you do have control. And, whatever you end up choosing to do needs to be what is in your longer term best interests. He might be in that picture - or he might not be. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 2, 2022 3:14:04 GMT -5
And, whatever you end up choosing to do needs to be what is in your longer term best interests.
He might be in that picture - or he might not be.
[/quote]
Wise and all knowing Baza... How do I find my own answers. I agree with you I need too. I feel a lot of pressure about how I am supposed to proceed from well intended family. My youngest child left for college and when he is gone I sleep in his room. I have been married for 26 years... how do I start over? I don't want to be married but frankly I think without this new side person I would just be waiting to die. I don't know how to dig deep anymore. I miss the blind ambition of youth where moving forward seems inevitable rather than a precipice. Fear is a problem.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 2, 2022 6:57:09 GMT -5
I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... It's good to read about other women's experiences. Most all the stories I read (on Medium) are married women telling the story of a married man who they had an affair with. The woman got divorced. The man? He stayed married. He had his cake and ate it too. The now divorced woman regrets the years she was given a false promise of love and commitment in words but no action ( him getting divorced and starting over with her.) Is it a common thing? Hard to tell? It certainly gets written about often! It sounds like a roller coaster of emotions. I hope you can stomach the ride. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 2, 2022 7:57:06 GMT -5
And, whatever you end up choosing to do needs to be what is in your longer term best interests. He might be in that picture - or he might not be. Wise and all knowing Baza... How do I find my own answers. I agree with you I need too. I feel a lot of pressure about how I am supposed to proceed from well intended family. My youngest child left for college and when he is gone I sleep in his room. I have been married for 26 years... how do I start over? I don't want to be married but frankly I think without this new side person I would just be waiting to die. I don't know how to dig deep anymore. I miss the blind ambition of youth where moving forward seems inevitable rather than a precipice. Fear is a problem.[/quote]Every situation is different, but I will tell you don't leave counting on him unless he is out. On the same token if he is out too long and you don't move fast enough he may move on without you. I left hoping I would have my ap in my life . But I left because I didn't want to live a fake life and be unhappy for other people. I had never lived alone. But I had my adult kids and my best friend. My affair partner helped me look for and set up my apartment. After 6 months I asked him what his plans were because if he was staying I was going to start dating. He got out a year after me. And we are so happy. But more than that I am happy to not be dreading weekends with my ex alone. Or fighting about why I have no wish to go on vacation with him. I went years without a real vacation. While I was out and single still I went on a cruise with my bf and her family. I had a blast. I went to my family in another state with my grown daughter and Memphis. Things were just better without him. |
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2022 11:22:58 GMT -5
I have this wonderful side relationship and the man wants to marry me but we are currently married to other people. I feel like I know how that sounds... it sounds ridiculous... It's good to read about other women's experiences. Most all the stories I read (on Medium) are married women telling the story of a married man who they had an affair with. The woman got divorced. The man? He stayed married. He had his cake and ate it too. The now divorced woman regrets the years she was given a false promise of love and commitment in words but no action ( him getting divorced and starting over with her.) Is it a common thing? Hard to tell? It certainly gets written about often! It sounds like a roller coaster of emotions. I hope you can stomach the ride. It's likely easier for a woman to divorce than a man. Men tend to be the primary earners, and primary earners are at a disadvantage in the courts. It may be that the man stayed married after consulting with a lawyer. A couple I was friends with ended up in that situation. They really made a good couple, and, the man's estranged wife was a real C-word, but he went back to her over financial reasons. I am much happier having shed my ex. The timing wasn't my choice, but, I'd never go back to the way things were even if I had to live out of my car. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 2, 2022 12:50:48 GMT -5
ironhamster"I am much happier having shed my ex. The timing wasn't my choice, but, I'd never go back to the way things were even if I had to live out of my car. " 🙌 This! I always say a card board box on the corner lol.
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Post by heelots on Feb 2, 2022 13:27:15 GMT -5
It's good to read about other women's experiences. Most all the stories I read (on Medium) are married women telling the story of a married man who they had an affair with. The woman got divorced. The man? He stayed married. He had his cake and ate it too. The now divorced woman regrets the years she was given a false promise of love and commitment in words but no action ( him getting divorced and starting over with her.) Is it a common thing? Hard to tell? It certainly gets written about often! It sounds like a roller coaster of emotions. I hope you can stomach the ride. It's likely easier for a woman to divorce than a man. Men tend to be the primary earners, and primary earners are at a disadvantage in the courts. It may be that the man stayed married after consulting with a lawyer. A couple I was friends with ended up in that situation. They really made a good couple, and, the man's estranged wife was a real C-word, but he went back to her over financial reasons. I am much happier having shed my ex. The timing wasn't my choice, but, I'd never go back to the way things were even if I had to live out of my car. Yup, no doubt about it for some like me that struggled in near poverty for most of my life I can tolerate a lot from a shitty room mate instead of going back to poverty. I just keep blinders on and ignore |
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2022 16:01:32 GMT -5
heelots, that's why we should all make our own decisions in this. Decisions would be easy if on one side everything was perfect and on the other everything was terrible, but most big choices are between two bad outcomes with one being worse. If we pick the least bad option, we make our lives comparatively better.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 4, 2022 3:21:29 GMT -5
Why does this married man want to marry you? What's the advantage?
That's really the kind of fantasy one stereotypically expects of the lady in these love squares.
[/quote]
I am not sure I understand your fantasy comment. I would love it if you elaborate. While I wish this was fantasy, I can assure you that it is very real. This man cares for me at an undeniable level. Here is an example, he got rid of a dead rat for me. (I am embarrassed to have a rodent problem but it's real life.) He does things for me... things that people only do in a real relationship (yes this includes plenty of sex).
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Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 4, 2022 3:35:16 GMT -5
It sounds like a roller coaster of emotions. I hope you can stomach the ride.[/quote]
I used to compartmentalize much more than I do now. I think when I stopped compartmentalizing that's when the problems began but I don't regret it because I'm feeling more solid, more like the kind of person who can go out and have a life of their own. When I first started EP so long ago I couldn't tell we're his feelings began and ended compared to where my feelings began and ended. As an empathic person I had lost myself to my husband. Whether this was intentional because he's a narcissist or intentional because I am an empathic type person I could not tell you. But all the experiences that I've had up to this point is how I am able to find some separation, to be two people instead of one. I am somewhat afraid of what will happen between this chapter of my life and the next chapter but the difference between me and some of my lady peers, is that my husband is 30 years older than me and I always knew there would be a next chapter, the problem was to prepare for it. Obviously that's still a problem. I truly believe now that I can have another relationship that won't be the problem. The new problem is how do I take care seat belts.
The ride is about to begin, I am just trying to commit to getting in the seat. It feels safe where I am standing despite how unhappy I am. The ride looks scary and I can't see any seatbelts.
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