Side Relationships

Now I really wish I was typing this on the computer rather than always looking on my phone. Sadly my phone seems the most private these days.

You gave me a lot to think about and when were making these brief conversations is hard to cover everything. I keep thinking about the part where you said is my sexless marriage my seatbelt and quite frankly I think that is correct it has been my safety net for a long time. But I find myself at an interesting Crossroads if my husband is getting dementia like his mother I'm nearing the window of time where he is either going to drag my life down with his to the bottom before he ends up going into a home of some sort or I can save parts of my life and that sounds really terrible it's definitely not the in sickness and health that we quoted to each other although this Bells don't seem to include sex anyone ever notice that? Maybe that's supposed to be the chairs part I don't know.

I've been thinking on all the posts a lot lately and I have to conclude that regardless of this other person I feel confident that I can find a new partner. I feel less confident about being able to survive and pay for my life. Having raced to brilliant Sons homeschooled them and all that I gave children a brilliant foundation and myself know where to go forward from. At one point in time I was going to the university to finish up a bachelor's degree. I had a conversation with my husband and I confronted him and said I feel like you are sabotaging my efforts to go to college she looked me Square in the eye and said that's because I am. I felt like I had been punched they are completely left me and somehow I found the wherewithal to ask him why. He said everybody knows you only go to college to meet a mate. To tell you the truth I was so shocked and then later I was so resentful and angry that are two boy children can go to college and are expected to make a life for themselves but me what being a woman being lesser than somehow does not deserve to go to college? This is one example of things that have created such deep-seated resentment in me. But in order to get through the day today I have to let that stuff go and it's hard to keep enough of it so that you don't forget this person in your life will betray you at a level you can't imagine. I'm not trying to get on a side topic here it's all just sort of jumbled in my mind forgive me.

My point is regardless of the AP life status, I have to try to make some choices that are good for myself and living here waiting to die is not a healthy life choice for me even though I could do it.

The AP has given me confidence helped me believe in myself again. When I can't tell what's up from down because I've been gas-lit so much that I don't even know what to believe is true in my own life I don't even know if I can trust my own judgment, the AP helps me find some balance and strength that I can't seem to find myself. So whether it's long-term or just for now I need that. I see why counseling is so important and perhaps that is an option I need to consider more heavily. I wonder though when you have a crazy person you live with how easy is it to escape to go to counseling appointments. How are people handling that do they say truthfully they're going to counseling do they make things up disguise were there going? I get accused of being secretive all the time by my husband but it's because he's super controlling and if I say I'm going to the store he says what for and I answer because I think I'm in a normal conversation and then he decides that I don't need to go to the store for that. My life has been like that for 20 years.

I had quite the giggle at your falling out of the car comment as when I was a girl I did fall out of the car and it was a pretty big deal. The funny thing is I was really afraid of telling my mother I freaked out more about telling my mom and losing my shoe than anything else. I kept telling this lady I was with then I was going to get in trouble and I didn't want to tell my mom. Anyways crazy Side Story. However maybe it speaks to my state of mind when in crisis I'm so busy not wanting to get in trouble that I don't consider the fact thank f****** God I'm okay? When you're trained this way from verse it's hard to switch gears. I feel like I was taught to be invisible and I know how to do that really well and that does not serve me in this current situation.

Dallasgia, so glad you could get through all my typos. My phone is an evil assistant. I am happy to update what feels like a roller-coaster of a life. I too have become ever grateful to this group.

I am wondering for you seasoned folks how did the conversation go down? Angel Eyes suggested counseling and I am heavily considering it to help me figure out how to transition my life. I just don't know how to do it. I keep making steps but I can tell now that I backslide when I feel better. When I feel good I fear change and fear what it means for me.

My husband was gone 2 days. I was happy for 2 days. This speaks volumes to me. I need to change my life.

sweetplumeria : I also sought counseling to help me leave my M. In fact, when I first sat down with my therapist and she asked me why I was there, I told her "I need help getting out of my marriage". I can tell you with all honesty that I would still be in my M today had I not sought the help of a therapist. The thoughts that are swirling through your head are completely normal. I had most of those same thoughts- including "I am happier when he is gone; that should tell you something". This is not something you can conquer in a short time. It took me 9 long months to get to the point that I could convince my ex that I was serious about leaving the M. and another 5 months to actually leave. This is not easy. All you need to do is take the first step. My recommendation for that first step is to find a good therapist and make an appointment (and keep it). A good therapist will help you determine what your next step should be. Please feel free to reach out should you need any advice.

Ok, I think this actually is a strangely realistic view point as D. has said to me that he feels he married wrong and when I am upset he wishes he could fix it... So maybe your more spot on than I could have known. I appreciate the clarification.

Years ago, after many years of no sex due to her medical operations etc, I cheated, then confessed, but then asked her straight up, "I need fulfilment. This is crazy". She let me explore. I was amazed but I tried, of course. She knew and was happy for me but upset for herself. (That made it hard to get it hard, etc) Only one sexual relationship lasted some months, then misunderstandings and it was off, the other woman's decision. Nothing since and it's been 12 years. The point is, what if you came right out and asked your husband if you could have a lover? Sounds simple, and it worked for me. Had it caused a huge fight I may have left and remarried. The reason I didn't is her ongoing health issues and not wanting to abandon her. That many not be an issue with others. Some husbands may be the ;jealous rage' type, some may be the 'MFM sounds like fun" type, too.

Not real well. My work sent me to a psychologist many years ago for depression. The psychologist suggested I have an affair. Yes really. She was a new graduate, mid 20's. So easy for her but for a guy in his 50's? It's not as if I can get a script from the doc to go get a bit. I did try and failed many times due to ED and nerves. I found contacts on adult matchmaker. I was/am damaged goods due to depression so the vicious circle continured. AS I said, one woman I did see quite a lot and it worked OK. I was and always am, the mild mannered respectible type and I think she really wanted a hung stud, a thrashing machine.