Checking in after a long absence...

Sorry, a lot more came rushing out than I anticipated when I started writing this, so here is a nutshell version up front. I guess to sum it all up, if you want to keep a good relationship, take the high road and just be nice. But not to the point of getting walked on. Show your STBX that all you want is fairness, and that on some level there is still some kind of a relationship you want to keep - most important if there are children involved, even adult ones. I know I am fortunate, and some people are in much worse states than my marriage was in, even abusive. Above all, take care of yourself and stay safe.

- Know your value

- Know what YOU are entitled to

- Know what THEY are entitled to

- Know that "FAIR" is not always the same thing as "EQUAL"

[Ex. My student loan balance is considerably higher than hers, and all of it came during our marriage. Our state laws state that all debt, including student loans, have equal responsibility of both spouses as long as it was acquired during the marriage. It was well within my legal right to force her to take on half of the balance of my student loans (and me hers). I wrote in our settlement that all of my student loan debt would stay with me, and all of hers with her - absolving each other of assuming responsibility of that part of the debt. Essentially, I had it un-mingled as if it were done if we had been single. That is certainly not equal, but it is fair. The lawyer approved it and the judge signed off.]

The long version...

The best I can say is to just be prepared, and try to account for all possible outcomes. Although you can't predict everything, if you prepare well enough you will have plenty of material to be flexible with. Know the laws of your location, speak to lawyers, and already have a DRAFT plan for division of assets/debts based on those laws before you have "The Talk". This is including considerations for child support or alimony if that applies to you; my state has a public record calculator (spreadsheet) to see what child support may look like. It will at least give you a starting point for negotiations. 

If you are so inclined, be willing to compromise and even give up a little (if it helps smooth things through). You want to still protect yourself, so know your absolute minimum you will accept. And be reasonable - if you go on the attack looking to punish, that will only put them on the defensive and want to think of some kind of retribution against you. Ask yourself what is more important - is it getting out with as fair a deal and with as little drama as is possible, or is it to cause the most grief or harm on the way out? If it works, having this done will save so much time, effort, and money since the lawyer won't have to charge time to do it all. Even if your Ex decides to play hardball and go nuclear with the lawyers, this can potentially help with the judge for you to show your reasonableness. 

Of course, none of this is any guarantee, but in my opinion a good starting defensive strategy. Only you know how your future Ex may react. On that note, depending on the nature of your STBX, you may want to consider having "The Talk" or serving papers in public, just in case.

I ended up very fortunate in a lot of ways. I was able to wait until my youngest graduated high school so no child support, and we made about the same amount of money so no alimony. I took on a larger portion of our debt in order to give her more flexibility in her new budget. Although it balanced out some in other ways, the scales did tip in her favor slightly and this was my choice. I knew that would be a fear of hers (and it was). By anticipating that and creating a draft plan accordingly, I was able to show her that I was not an enemy, that I was truly looking out for her, and that I wanted us to stay cordial, even friends. I went to her with all of this before I chose a lawyer officially, so her being "served" was a formality and not a sneak attack. I live in a large metro area and I was able to find a lawyer with a flat fee of $1500 for no fault. Doing all of this before officially hiring a lawyer was my choice because I knew it would diffuse some of the tension and not seem so antagonistic. However, for many others it will certainly be wiser to have that lawyer hired first.

This worked for me, so take it for what it is. Every situation is unique and a lot of this may not apply to you. Just keep your eyes open and your wits about you.

Thanks.