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Post by nyartgal on May 2, 2022 11:49:16 GMT -5
Your kids are tremendously fortunate to have such creative parents. All the best! When I was leaving my SM (almost ten years ago now), I was making good money for the first time in my life, but it was a huge risk as an artist to leave a husband who at least had good earning power (he worked in tech), his parents were multi millionaires and I knew we would always have them as security if needed (though I refused to take their money). I left and almost immediately fell in love with a penniless jazz pianist from Spain, 11 years younger than me, who was working off the books as a waiter because at the time he didn’t have a work visa. Within 18 months we had our first child, and for many years we were broke ass BROKE. We racked up a bunch of debt and it was extremely scary and felt pretty hopeless at many times. Eventually, he got a good job as a music teacher, we got some help from my family to tide us over, and my art career stabilized despite having two small kids and lots of rollercoasters. I feel now we are finally on the road to paying off the debt and ongoing financial stability. His career is really taking off and now that the kids are a little older, and the worst of Covid is hopefully over, I feel like I can focus on mine more than I have been able to in many years. Is it easy to be a sculptor/jazz musician couple with two kids in one of the most expensive cities on the planet? Hahaha NO! Would I trade all of the financial anxiety to go back to the relative stability of my SM? Not in a billion years!! Money is not everything...and I don’t think money is holding you back right now. You have a plan and you just need to start executing the final phases. My story here is really for other readers who may not have a plan, or as much earning power, or more debt etc than you do. You can still leave and find happiness!! Thank you! I think they’re lucky too  We always joked when schools were closed that at least they got art, music and foreign languages for free at home. We have a very creative household with impromptu jam sessions, art classes, concerts, singalongs, lots of books and endless silliness and hugs. It’s so obvious to me now as a parent how incredibly important it is for kids to see their parents happy and fulfilled, both as individuals and with each other. There is a kind of animal reaction to seeing my husband and I hug—they LOVE IT. They see how hard we work and our dedication to our careers and respect it. I know we can’t give them a lot of fancy stuff, or put away hundreds of thousands of dollars for college etc. But they have a lot of love and happiness. |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on May 25, 2022 22:59:05 GMT -5
Update - T-Plus 9
I'm sorry it has been so long since my last update. This time of year is my busiest at work, along with moving and finalizing the divorce - which is now done! I have been living alone now for almost a month, for the first time in 27 years. We are still on good terms and speak often. We are financially separate, but we do have a few more things to iron out (had to have the divorce decree before we could get through some of it). Other than a few passive aggressive comments and awkward interactions in public, everything has gone about as good as it could have. I may have over-analyzed her comments, though. I really can't complain. Our daughters are staying with her, but there is no "picking sides". It is just natural the girls would gravitate to mom; I am not offended or concerned. My youngest will be going off to college for the first time in August, and my oldest will return to college, so reality will kick in more then, at least for her.
Now for a little honest reflection. As good as the advice has been here and from friends and family, there are emotions that I did not expect, or at least not what I thought I would feel. I filed. This was my choice, my decision, and my desire. When I received the official divorce decree and read the words from my lawyer, "you are officially divorced", I cried. I sobbed like a child, thinking "what have I done?" All of the good memories and feelings I ever had for her came flooding through, like your life flashing before your eyes. I had a sudden, overwhelming, overbearing sense of guilt, remorse, and shame; I had thrown it all away. Then came the anxiety and worry - What now? What do I do? How am I ever going to be right again? Reality was setting in. It was done; no going back. Past the point of no return.
The next time I saw her in person I suddenly had this feeling of, "oh, yeah, that's why". Odd, I know. The guilt and remorse still remain, though subdued. I still don't have those answers, and those questions are still floating around in my mind, but I am trying to focus on moving forward. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I am establishing new routines and habits, trying to figure out what works for me now that I can only rely on myself.
Life moves on and so must I, but damn is it hard.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 26, 2022 4:33:03 GMT -5
...The next time I saw her in person I suddenly had this feeling of, "oh, yeah, that's why". Odd, I know. The guilt and remorse still remain, though subdued. ... I am establishing new routines and habits,... Was it teh sight of her? Or a remark she made once you two spoke? If you find time, what are some of these new routines and habits, especially for those following your footsteps. What prep had you made for social circles? Are you building some/more now? |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on May 26, 2022 23:30:11 GMT -5
...The next time I saw her in person I suddenly had this feeling of, "oh, yeah, that's why". Odd, I know. The guilt and remorse still remain, though subdued. ... I am establishing new routines and habits,... Was it teh sight of her? Or a remark she made once you two spoke? If you find time, what are some of these new routines and habits, especially for those following your footsteps. What prep had you made for social circles? Are you building some/more now? It was the sight of her 
Mostly day to day stuff. I don't have someone to ask, "could you stop by the store and pick up _____?" Every decision down to how to set up my new kitchen is all mine. Just total banal, everyday stuff. I have work and my regular friend group I spend a lot of time with. I have been so incredibly busy that I haven't even finished unpacking and setting up my new apartment. I should have a couple of weeks of good open time coming up to finish setting up home and just sitting for a minute to breathe. I am not in a hurry to make myself socially busy, but I am not isolated.
I have had someone show some interest, but I have been honest with her about needing some time - not a brush-off, but I just need a moment of "nothing" to kind of think my way through how I even want to approach dating again. Thankfully, she has been completely understanding (also divorced), so who knows what the next few weeks will bring. I haven't been alone in over 27 years, and I was 19 then (20 when we got married). I never had real practice in adult dating, outside of high school girlfriends. I was with my ex from pretty much the time I started college. So basically... I don't know anything, really.
All I do know is that I have to get myself into some basic homeostasis, starting with getting my apartment in a livable state, decorated, etc. Once I am "home", I can concentrate on the next thing; Maslow's Hierarchy and all that. I will be no good to myself, or anyone else, if I rush out and hit the town like a horny teenager. I am really trying to keep to that one piece of constantly good advice: "Sort your own shit first." I did that to get through the divorce, and it worked. I still have some "sorting" to do. I am not avoiding anything completely, but I am not yet actively looking. But soon...
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Post by dallasgia on Jul 19, 2022 10:04:24 GMT -5
@allwork
I have not threatened divorce before. I have not told her I was thinking about it. So, no, we have not had the divorce talk. I am sure she knows I am not happy, but I am also sure she does not know how far I am willing to take it. My plan is that when I have that talk, it will be to inform her it is happening, not tell her I'm thinking about it. I have no desire to be with her anymore. I have no sexual attraction to her. I don't even like her as a person, really. I'm just done. Like I said before, it is just this nagging FEAR. I can't get past the "what if's" in my head. I may be so codependent that I am irretrievably broken.
[/quote]
These words you have written speak exactly 100% of my thoughts in my situation as well.
I look forward to your updates since you got out.
DG
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Nov 3, 2022 22:29:15 GMT -5
Hello All!
I guess it has been about 6 months now. I suppose it is time for an honest assessment.
I am finally in a regular routine and going about my life. I briefly dated during the summer, great sex (finally...), but it was not going to work out long term.
I am otherwise doing fine. Not making the best decisions on food, exercise, and so on, so I have put on a few pounds. Gotta work to get back to fighting weight. Something is odd, though. At least, I guess it is a difference in how I perceive the world. My overall daily schedule hasn't really changed much. But it is suddenly, and acutely apparent to me that I have no time for anything. I wake up, go to work, get home in time to have a bite, then off to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. Although I did date someone over the summer, our meeting was essentially an unusual set of circumstances. As far as meeting someone else, It is hard to see when I will ever have time. When I was married it didn't matter, or I didn't notice as much. Even when we were happier, we always had each other when we were home, and we got home about the same time. I have a second job most weekends as well. It is all a part of my new normal. I have to figure out how to possibly restructure my time. I know it is something we all deal with, time management that is, but now having to try and even consider dating, or even looking for a potential someone is yet another stressful piece of life.
I am fine being alone; the quiet suits me. But I do not want to spend my life alone. I do someday want to find someone, not just for sex, but as a true partner, someone to share life with. If I miss anything about my former life, it is the partnership. Although we became completely incompatible romantically - which led to other emotional issues -, We completely trusted each other otherwise. She was a best friend I will never get back. I am extremely hesitant to even consider dating sites, and I am not what you would call a social butterfly. I have no real experience in adult dating - met my ex at 18 in college, married at 20 (yeah, I know.. stupid), and now into my mid to late 40's. But I also know I can't just wait for serendipity to happen. I'll be waiting forever. Eh, I guess I'm just venting.
So to assess myself at the 6mo point:
- Am I happier now that I am divorced and out? Not yet exactly, but not unhappy.
- Do I regret getting the divorce? Absolutely not.
- Would I make the same decision over again? 90% Yes. (There will always be a part of me that asks if there wasn't something we could have done to work things out.)
Cheers to all of you, and positive thoughts to those of you still deciding what to do. I certainly have a lot more figuring out to do myself.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2022 23:12:09 GMT -5
allworkandnoplay, thanks for posting an honest follow-up! If I were to read back what I hear in your post… you feel no better off, but don’t regret the divorce. A key difference from staying… you now have the potential for life to get better, while staying meant more of the same. There are no guarantees, but the odds are in your favor! DC
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 4, 2022 5:42:16 GMT -5
... I wake up, go to work, get home in time to have a bite, then off to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. ... I have a second job most weekends as well....
... I am extremely hesitant to even consider dating sites, Having only occasional weekends to share restricts dating, but it can also fit in to the busy lives of some ladies who have no more time than you do. What's the hesitancy on the online dating part? That is a place you can make your limited time clear up front and some prospects may be saying, "Me too!" Can you drop the second job at some point? Is it for survival? Killing debt? Or saving up for something? |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Nov 4, 2022 22:32:19 GMT -5
allworkandnoplay , thanks for posting an honest follow-up! If I were to read back what I hear in your post… you feel no better off, but don’t regret the divorce. A key difference from staying… you now have the potential for life to get better, while staying meant more of the same. There are no guarantees, but the odds are in your favor! DC
Many thanks, and your read is correct. Six months is not a lot of time - and as you say, nowhere to go but up.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Nov 4, 2022 22:41:12 GMT -5
... I wake up, go to work, get home in time to have a bite, then off to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. ... I have a second job most weekends as well....
... I am extremely hesitant to even consider dating sites, Having only occasional weekends to share restricts dating, but it can also fit in to the busy lives of some ladies who have no more time than you do. What's the hesitancy on the online dating part? That is a place you can make your limited time clear up front and some prospects may be saying, "Me too!" Can you drop the second job at some point? Is it for survival? Killing debt? Or saving up for something?
My "2nd job" is also my main hobby - it just happens to pay. It is not something that will go away. Plus the money is necessary, but to be honest I would do it even if it did not pay.
As to online dating, I worry about scams mostly. Plus, I do not find myself attractive - at least anymore - So I worry about being judged. I guess deep down I am afraid of more rejection. Maybe I am a bit paranoid, but I see risks in going that route that I am just not ready for at this time. Maybe in the future, who knows? I need to build up my own self-esteem a bit more.
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Post by sadkat on Nov 5, 2022 21:48:14 GMT -5
6 months isn't long at all. You are still trying to adjust to a new normal. It took me 18 months to finally get to the point where I felt ready to get back out there to socialize. Covid likely contributed to the timeline. When I felt ready, I decided to join meetups. I'm meeting lots of different people, making some new friends, and enjoying myself. You may want to consider doing a meetup or two down the road. It might be a nice way to re-introduce yourself to the social aspect of single life. I was surprised and flattered over how people responded to me. We are our own worst critics. You will know when you are ready. In the meantime, keep working on your healing and learn to be comfortable living on your own.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 1, 2022 2:32:23 GMT -5
My "2nd job" is also my main hobby - it just happens to pay. It is not something that will go away. Plus the money is necessary, but to be honest I would do it even if it did not pay.
You don't say what this hobby is but maybe someone with the same hobby is a good.... friend? companion? Date?...
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We always joked when schools were closed that at least they got art, music and foreign languages for free at home. We have a very creative household with impromptu jam sessions, art classes, concerts, singalongs, lots of books and endless silliness and hugs. It’s so obvious to me now as a parent how incredibly important it is for kids to see their parents happy and fulfilled, both as individuals and with each other. There is a kind of animal reaction to seeing my husband and I hug—they LOVE IT. They see how hard we work and our dedication to our careers and respect it. I know we can’t give them a lot of fancy stuff, or put away hundreds of thousands of dollars for college etc. But they have a lot of love and happiness. 
