Solutions-oriented Resources?

I read so many. For me, the two most helpful in resolving my situation were
David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage
And the most evidence-based and contrarian one - anything by John Gottman.

Most marriage help books are like treating cancer with a bandaid - they operate downstream from the problem. Sexual aversion within a relationship is a result of a severe disconnection, but it's often (absurdly) treated like both parties forgot to how to have sex or relate.

They didn't forget, and they learn again pretty quick in their next relationship. These approaches work well upstream from the sexual aversion result, and instead focus on assessing CAUSES for the disconnection and the severity of it with - in Gottman's case - a very high degree of measurable accuracy. This can be used to triage the relationship efforts and help you decide whether to invest or part.

Haven't heard of Schnarch.

The talk of Gottman's work has to do with discussion of dynamics and causes, but Jon asked about actions to take.
Do those books have concrete steps? If so, they don't get as much mention as perhaps they should.
I hear "therapy" as a common "action item"; but that would be more talk, which Jon seemed to say was already covered. (It doesn't help that the track record for therapy/counseling in fixing SMs isn't great either.)

Surely understanding the mechanics of an SM are useful/important, but do they also have non-talk actions to suggest?

Immense thanks for the upshots.

I'd wager "hold each other without making a sexual demand for 10 minutes, while clothed" might mean "10 minutes or longer" and leaving the sexual demand/request/suggestion/invitation for another day entirely, making such gestures "safe" for the averse one? So unsexy checking your watch while you hold someone.

I started doing something similar with Mrs. Mirrororchid years back-an intense embrace/kiss combo as she was leaving for work. 'I want you.' being the message, without any reasonable opportunity to take advantage even if she were inclined to say 'me too'. This may have helped her recognize her own failure to express romantic love even when the pressure was off.
She responded well to my embraces, and later acknowledged that the "non-pressure" approach she had asked for and I had delivered on had not been effective. but she didn't up the ante later.

This intensification of romantic gestures was part of my plan to open our marriage. I needed her to know I wanted her, and that inability to have her was the reason for opening up. She need not feel passed over, rejected, or falling short in attractiveness. If Jon would consider opening the marriage, this may be an "action item" to consider. Intensify the romance with zero pressure for sexual expression. That role will be left to someone else.

"Deciding how hard to try" is a superb observation. The mental preparation to take drastic action... opening the marriage, seeing a divorce lawyer for the free consultation, having "The Talk", are all actions one performs with the mind. Quite concrete progress one makes in the escape, be it a reignited passionate marriage, or getting a new partner of one type or another. Decisions are action. And some of them must be taken as an individual.

If one decides one is at the point where trying hard is of unknown value, there has been not a little discussion about building a social life to replace married life. These are action items that counteract co-dependency. It places oneself in a position of flexibility. "Take it or leave it." It gives one the capability to accept one's mere wants as important where some spouses who operate as a unit have lost their personal identity and shrunk their "wants" to only those shared by "we".
When sex is not one of those shared wants, you end up here. Indulging non-sexual wants can be practice for that ultimate one. Go to the gym regularly, join that book club, go to the happy hour after work and watch football at the bar. Pretend you're single twice a week, minus the hunt for a mate.

As an action item for two, you can decide to do one of these old activities you used to do or a new one you've been wanting to try and invite the spouse along. If they demur, you go anyway. Phrased as an inevitable event, "I'm hitting a pottery class at the Mud Hut at 8 on Thursday, wanna come?" then you go unless you have a triple digit temperature. Be ready and willing to go alone or you'd better pick something else. 

The household chore line item has me thinking of advice I gave a friend. His wife does most of the housework and complains about not chipping in. He does and it goes unacknowledged, but I pointed out that if he and the Mrs. split, he'll be doing all of it. It can be an obstacle to making necessary decisions if the cringy "luxury" of being married to a servant holds you back because looking after your basic needs seems too huge to manage and that the lonely existence is a high price, but one that can be tolerated a few months more while you think about, read about, or ignore the dysfunction. "Acting single" will coincidentally include contributing more around the house. Don't expect a reaction. This is your work you may end up doing anyway. No one will be around then to thank you or make you a sammich. Expect the exact same now.

You may end up doing household chores below your spouse's standards. This is more co-dependency crap. These aren't your spouse's chores. They are collectively yours and if that collective action is not tenable, it is just as appropriate for you to consider all the household chores your personal burden to be executed to your slipshod standards and the spouse can rectify the condition if he/she/ze pleases. That's not on you. Do it the way you would do if you lived alone. It's your work, do it your way. This may mean doing only your own laundry if the spouse doesn't wish to avail themselves of your free labor. This may mean cooking meals for two, then half of it goes in the frig because it isn't low-carb/vegan/organic. (makes for an easy second meal for you later)

This needs to be in the spirit of independence. Not passive aggressive theater for your partner. You do you, for you. 
The sick, twisted consequence of exerting independence is not uncommonly a sense of intrigue or panic that you're pulling away from the marriage and the refuser may seek to get closer. Be open to such, but aware of the hazards of slipping back into the complacency of "we".

In terms of "exercises together", Jon, perhaps building a social life can be with your wife as well. Meetup.com may provide possible activities you'd both be willing to do. (It may be the two of you doing something she likes and you doing the stuff you like alone, if she's not the generous type to indulge you in something she doesn't actually prefer. Witness every man browsing an antique store, ever. Maybe throw a party? See a movie together in an actual theater? Assume this will get you used to being a platonic couple and find the appeal to it as you plan for accepting your celibacy, opening up, or finding an exit. All three will likely need a version of "The Talk", so start composing.

Forgive the belated follow up, as I was away for a while & then got caught up in life. I appreciate the responses & discussion.

For Baza's question...
>I guess the harsh question here Brother jon is whether your deal is a cold, or full blown pneumonia.
I guess I'd say it's more like a cold, if colds were to go on endlessly. I mean, there was a low-point (not infidelity but more around disconnection) but we've put in work and our relationship has definitely improved notably--minus the one aspect that brings me here. If you go with Esther Perel's perspective (which I don't know how her work is generally seen here) she argues that you can view lack of sex being the result of issues in the relationship, but then you can tweak the relationship to endless perfection and still not end up with sex. Kind of makes sense to me. Some people I've know have had bad relationships and still had sex (though I suppose the examples I know of weren't married couples of 10+ yrs).

Thanks to Apocrypha for the book suggestions. I suppose it's possible that the book I'm looking for hasn't been written yet. I ask just because I can't imagine that more talking is somehow going to fix something that is barely verbal at most. That said, I'll check out Schnarch & Gottman (certainly heard of him but haven't read more than an article or two). And, yes, I'll be weary of (or already have been) of the "scented candles" / "do more around the house" approaches. We already have our division of labor, and while she would prefer I do more of what she does, it's not a very contentious issue in our relationship and she tends to be what I call an "oursourcer". That is, if she can unload work to someone else, she will. So, I don't think me doing more of her chores would achieve anything constructive other than perhaps a once in a while effort when she's busy or stressed.

In general the W has been willing to follow my therapy & other suggestions--meaning she's not one of those cases of refusing to address this or other relationship issues (although I'll put an emphasis on the "follow me"); but I think perhaps there is some deeper digging to be done on the "want" question. I don't feel like that question has been clearly enough answered to my satisfaction.

As far, mirrororchid, as far as your suggestion of building a social life together and exploring something like Meetup.com, interestingly, I have already done that. In fact, I'm the organizer of Meetup group. So, much of our social circle has been built up around that group in recent years. I mean, I think you're point there is insightful--at least for us. She is someone who wants to feel like we're actively doing social activities together.

I wonder--has there much discussion here about the role of religion? Neither of us are very religious at this point in life, but her upbringing was in a Catholic culture, attending all girls schools run by nuns, living in fear of being "one of those girls" who got pregnant in high school, and, as a result, delaying having her first sexual experience for quite a number of years...

Re - "Religion" Brother jon .

Probably Brother csl 's posts would be worth your while perusing as he comes at the issue from a pretty straight forward way with his suggestions - including religious, if that seems relevant to a posting. Might even be worth you shooting him a PM.

As regards the group generally my observations over quite some time here is that probably about half the membership are religious to some degree, and about half are not particularly inclined that way.

Another observation is that getting in to an ILIASM deal is completely egalitarian. It doesn't seem to matter a real lot whether you are religious or not. You can still end up in an ILIASM situation. Same applies to race, age, financial status, or whatever demographic you care to name.