Post by northstarmom on Jan 1, 2020 5:31:59 GMT -5
Gottman says contempt predicts a couple will divorce within 5 years. When I first read that, I was in my sm and didn’t believe what Gottman said. I was the person showing contempt by eye rolling. Within 5 years, we had divorced. I was the one who asked for it.
Can't argue with this. We both criticize. We both express contempt. We both act defensively. We both stonewall. Just a matter of time at this point.
I have been working on myself in some of these areas but haven't seen a change in her (or at least a noticable change). I haven't criticized her to or in front of our friends or immediate family despite the fact that she has criticized me several times to her friends and family. I have seriously tried to be more aware of my tone of voice when talking to her, and pausing to think about my response rather than react defensively. To be honest though, I can't get past my stonewalling with her. It's so mentally exhausting doing the rest, that I don't have the energy to keep going if she escalates a disagreement to an argument. At that point, I shut down and quit trying. I've even told her directly that if no matter what I say, I'm wrong, then why bother saying anything at all.
Bits of me are dying but others are growing. One step at a time.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5