DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Dec 12, 2021 16:32:57 GMT -5
Have loved reading this series of posts, replies and updates.
Here’s to more updates along the way!
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 17, 2021 2:31:37 GMT -5
optima After spending upwards of $50k in legal fees alone, we came to a settlement.Un real. Fuck... thats spendy... I dont know how things might shake pit for me... I am working on finding out...
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 17, 2021 8:14:23 GMT -5
optima After spending upwards of $50k in legal fees alone, we came to a settlement.Un real. Fuck... thats spendy... I dont know how things might shake pit for me... I am working on finding out... Unless you have aa sizable pile of cash or other assets you are unlikely to get hit with the kind of costs optima faced. If you are a male with children your child support may be quite hefty but there are ways to mitigate that potential problem as well. When I sought my 1st legal advice I was pretty sure taking a financial hit wasn't going to stop me, but I was fortunate in that my hit wasn't bad at all. Getting your personal info on what's likely to happen is absolutely critical.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 17, 2021 8:45:30 GMT -5
optima After spending upwards of $50k in legal fees alone, we came to a settlement.Un real. Fuck... thats spendy... I dont know how things might shake pit for me... I am working on finding out... A lot of the expense comes from the spouse that decides to fight everything. A lawyer bills at six minute intervals. Any email and response is going to take a few minutes, with all the expense that entails. One if the women here was able to negotiate with her husband, and by avoiding lawyers they were able to settle for under $200 in court costs. My divorce was around $10k, not counting ongoing bullshit. idgaf96 ended up with lawyer expenses of almost $20k. She made her husband a very reasonable offer, but he felt he was getting ripped off and chose to fight everything. Not counting his lawyers fees, he's paying more than double her initial offer. Why are divorces so expensive? I could argue the real reason is obtuse stupidity on the part of one of the parties. But, the funnier answer is, because they are worth it.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 17, 2021 18:25:15 GMT -5
[quote author=" ironhamster" I could argue the real reason is obtuse stupidity on the part of one of the parties. But, the funnier answer is, because they are worth it. [/quote] I appreciate the update! I feel like I will either be stuck in my marriage forever or maybe make some progress in the spring. I am struggling on how to move forward. It's so devilishly complicated! 26 years creates more interwoven pieces than you realize until your sorting them out.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 17, 2021 21:32:43 GMT -5
[quote author=" ironhamster " I could argue the real reason is obtuse stupidity on the part of one of the parties. But, the funnier answer is, because they are worth it. I appreciate the update! I feel like I will either be stuck in my marriage forever or maybe make some progress in the spring. I am struggling on how to move forward. It's so devilishly complicated! 26 years creates more interwoven pieces than you realize until your sorting them out.[/quote] Yes, 26 years is a long time and lots of stuff needs to be sorted out. I was married that long when I decided I had had enough. Therapy helped me sort out my personal feelings and fear of the unknown. A lawyer helped me see what I could get out of a settlement and gave me advice on how to sort out our expenses. In the end, once I finally convinced my ex that the M was over, I was very fortunate that he was willing to work with me in separating out our assets. In the end, our divorce cost us $600 (we decided neither one of us had the time to fill out the required paperwork so hired a law firm to do it for us). My lesson learned was that I feared what my ex would do when I asked to end the M. Feared it so much that it paralyzed me. In the end, that paralyzing fear was groundless. You just don't know how things will play out and that is what keeps you stuck.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 17, 2021 21:52:57 GMT -5
Take time to think about what is important. What do you need, what do you want, and what on your lists will your spouse likely fight you for. If you can sort it out like adults, less money goes to the lawyers. I left a lot on the table so that my last minor kid wouldn't suffer any more inconvenience than I could manage, because her wellbeing was important to me. Of course, no good deed goes unpunished when your STBX chooses to be unreasonable. I will say this, though. I was happier on my own than I would have been, had I stayed. idgaf96 is also happier with the divorce over than she was, even with her open marriage situation. The stats on this forum shows 90% of us are happier afterward than we were in our shithole marriage. I think that's pretty good odds.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Dec 18, 2021 19:39:00 GMT -5
Re: costs, it’s strictly a function of how reasonable the parties are. The most expensive divorce is one where you don’t go to a lawyer and your ex spouse holds you up in court on the basis of the originally flawed settlement for years to come. Our costs blew up because of disputes about income (not assets) and the wide range of child support obligations that I could have faced in my state. She also took an unrealistic view of how much my recent income was negatively impacted by COVID versus a long term decline in demand for fossil fuels and US petroleum. I made the decision to engage an attorney to protect my income, to the extent possible. My ex-wife’s outrageous demands caused what should have been a $15k divorce to become financially calamitous. If we had more, the divorce would have cost more. The divorce ended because we ran out of assets to sustain it. $20k of legal expenses came from our 401k. Such waste.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Dec 18, 2021 19:43:02 GMT -5
More importantly, I’m still so much happier I got divorced. I’ve gone on multiple dates with a couple of women, one of whom I’m really into. I’ve had sex for the first time in over a year! I’m actually closer with my kids than I was when I was being frozen out by my ex wife. If you’re at this board, your marriage is probably already over and you should definitely move on. I wish I’d moved faster!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2021 10:06:07 GMT -5
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Dec 19, 2021 13:41:58 GMT -5
I’m dubious of the “collaborative “ or “amicable “ divorces. There’s no such thing. Without an attorney, the higher earning male spouse gets screwed. Even with an attorney this is true, but by paying up front you limit the long term damage. This said, I’d strongly advise anyone who is considering it due to the circumstances which bring you to this board to proceed. From the other side, I can tell you life will get much better sooner than you think.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2021 13:56:14 GMT -5
optima: " QuotelikePost OptionsPost by optima on 9 minutes ago I’m dubious of the “collaborative “ or “amicable “ divorces. "
I had a collaborative divorce. I did not try to screw my refuser, cheating ex. I had a lawyer (because I didn't trust my stbx since he'd been cheating on me and even thought he'd fathered a baby by his lover, and he'd been supporting that child), he chose not to have one. We lived in a community property state. However, instead of a 50:50 split, he offered a 60:40 split in my favor since I'd made some career sacrifices for the sake of our family. We had no arguments about the settlement, and no extra legal fees due to passive aggressiveness or other problems. To save money, we even continued to live together while the divorce went through. We never argued. So,yes, depending on the parties involved, it is possible to have an amicable, collaborative settlement and divorce.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 19, 2021 14:12:03 GMT -5
I’m dubious of the “collaborative “ or “amicable “ divorces. There’s no such thing. Without an attorney, the higher earning male spouse gets screwed. Even with an attorney this is true, but by paying up front you limit the long term damage. This said, I’d strongly advise anyone who is considering it due to the circumstances which bring you to this board to proceed. From the other side, I can tell you life will get much better sooner than you think. northstarmom above is correct....I also had a co-operative and collaborative divorce. When we argeed we both wanted to seperate and divorce we ironed out the basic tenents of the agreement, sought an attorney and went together to have the agreeement legally drawn up. We stayed together while she looked for, found and eventually purchased another place. So if the parties are willing there is certainly a way(s) to get it done.
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Post by isthisit on Dec 19, 2021 15:56:23 GMT -5
Another one here for a civilised and considerate separation. No solicitors making a fortune from us either, but it does take two considerate and reasonable people involved. My sympathies to those who would like to have been as civilised, but were faced with an avaricious and angry spouse seeking retribution through finances.
Oh, and dude, it so 2021 please don’t be quite as hasty with the assumption that men always out-earn women. Sure, it is the majority, but there are several high earning women here, and a few men whose spouse earned them under the table.
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