If you recall from previous posts, while I am fully divorced, ballofconfusion is still going through the process (which started in June 2017).
Or, she was at least until this week. Last Saturday, her ex died in his apartment, apparently of a heart attack or stroke (he was 52).
As I'm sure you can guess, this has created a real mess. We have sent the two oldest sons to Washington DC (where he lived) to box everything up and just ship it back here. We are getting the body cremated and having it shipped to Oklahoma where he is from. In April, there will be a service for him there.
When the boys got to his apartment, they found a couple ounces of meth, scales, syringes, etc... The levels of the drugs indicate he was not just using but also dealing. From the beginning I suspected he was gay, as well as having substance abuse issues (I'm a recovering alcoholic so meet many such folks in meetings). I never expected he would be dealing, though. The boys called the authorities who took all of that away.
There are a number of unexpected consequences to this...
- BOC is no longer divorcing, she is a widow in the eyes of the law. - As a result, there is no "her half" and "his half", but just hers - Unfortunately, he was a spender, and she is likely on the hook for everything (including after they separated)...I'm still doing the numbers, but the grand total of all debt is a looney tunes level of several hundred thousand dollars. - As a result, we are now starting to look for a bankruptcy attorney to pursue Chapter 7. - He had also stopped paying support almost 2 years ago. BOC's mom borrowed approximately 80k to help bridge this gap for a couple years. - Unfortunately, he died 4 days before the arrears setting hearing took place. This means the status of the arrears is in limbo. We are trying to get a ruling in this since it would put her at the tip of the list of creditors. - This also brings up the matter of probate. It appears he left no will and a whole lot of debt. Likely, strange as it sounds, I will be doing most of the leg work as executor since by virtue of the divorce, I am the most familiar with all of the accounts.
Obviously, there are a ton of emotions going on here from all parties (including me). Right now, we are focusing on helping the kids get through losing their dad (especially in this way). They are dealing with it in different ways as is expected.
In the short term, this is a nightmare. In the longer term, this probably works out better for us. Looking at his credit report, it appears he was setting himself up to declare bankruptcy as soon as we received the divorce judgment. This would have essentially gutted the court ruling since things like spousal support and family court judgements can be wiped away as well. All we would have had was an unenforceable judgment and a gigantic pile of attorney fees.
This, at least will likely save me another 15k in attorney fees and eliminates the need to try to track him down for the amount in arrears (the only thing that would likely survive a bankruptcy). He had trouble keeping a job so that would have been a never ending struggle.
Now, at least, there is finality. Although BOC will be declaring bankruptcy, this does not alter our plans to take a year off and travel the world after the last of the kids heads to college. Ironically, this likely accelerates it.
I'm not sure there are any real "lessons" here. It's just been a damn long week.
Post by greatcoastal on Feb 28, 2021 8:37:42 GMT -5
A bankruptcy attorney? That sounds like the smart thing to do. Hopefully much of this debt can be handled in a fair manner. I'm guessing the sooner you find a good attorney ,the attorney can alleviate much of your fears and concerns? (similar to the first call seeking divorce from a SM)
Back in 1991 I had just purchased my first home,and I was still on the road working 6 days a week. A platonic friend of mine, found himself unemployed and homeless, I let him stay at my home.
He ran up my phone bill into the thousands of $$$ calling 800# sex lines! He admitted to it. ( I no longer let him stay at the house)
I was advised to contact the phone company and tell them exactly what happened. The phone company had dealt with this type of 'incident' many times. I was told " Mr. greatcoastal you have excellent credit and your record shows this was a one time incident. We are going to drop those fees".
All a life lesson.
Speaking of 'life lessons' my heart goes out to those boys!
Everything is settled down a bit and we are getting some perspective.
Normally when someone dies without a will, the estate goes to probate court. At that point an executor is appointed (and usually gets a lawyer to assist) and sorts through all the shit. They take any assets, pays off creditors, and gives the remainder to the next of kin.
Fortunately, because of the divorce process, we finally have access to almost all of his records. We received the last batch yesterday and are no longer surprised to see gay hookups being paid for on hidden credit cards. There do not appear to be ANY assets left (he even cashed out retirement accounts against court orders).
The good part about knowing this through the divorce process is we won't have to pay again to discover this during the probate process. As a matter of fact we are going to simply refuse to participate and let the state wrap up his affairs.
Unfortunately as soon as that happens, the creditors will come after ballofconfusion since they were technically still married. So we have an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney next week to figure out that next step.
We can't get access to his computers or phones. I was able to access some old hard drives. Some of the videos I found depicted homosexual sex with what can only be described as boys. Disturbing for a man who was a middle school principal. We also found several e-books on 12 step programs, including one with highlights / notes for sex addiction dating back to 2010. In many ways, I'm actually glad I cannot get into his personal hard laptop he thought would be free of prying eyes.
His ashes are currently being stored in the guest bedroom desk drawer. We laughed our asses off when I suggested putting him back into the closet, but there really wasn't anywhere we could put it without taking a chance of breaking the urn... Obviously the LAST thing we would want.
The funeral is planned in Oklahoma in April. It will be a mix of family, Catholic priests flown in, people who knew him as a kindly Catholic middle school principal, and possibly some gay friends. For our share of the expenses we maxxed out the last of BOC's credit cards knowing bankruptcy is likely coming next.
Sounds like a shit show, right?
Well, one lesson we have learned is we need to handle our shit. I ordered a national geographic world map. It's a simple folding map of thr world. We are going to open it up on the kitchen table and start to indicate which countries we both want to go to, which we both don't, and which are a mix.
Now that I've got a good idea of what the end game here looks like, we can begin our plans for travelling the world for a year. We need to get all of this settled, but I've got the money already saved. We just need to get the kids launched. The funeral will end one chapter and the map will open the next.
We are also in the process of doing some estate planning. It's a good thing because when doing some research, I found that my ex went to a safe deposit box that I thought was defunct and pulled out a copy of a will we created, say 15 years ago. It gives her power of attorney if I'm incapicated and I need to get that revoked ASAP. Greedy woman got half in the divorce (actually closer to 60 percebt with concessions to make things amicable) and was quietly positioning herself to snatch the rest if something happened to me. She did this as soon as she found out BOC was moving in. The most surprising thing here is that I was surprised by this. Fortunately I am remedying the situation as we speak.
I also found a brokerage account she was still listed as joint under. At the time of the divorce it had 93 dollars in it and was an afterthought. It now has 45,000 dollars in it. Sure, it is listed as my property in the divorce decree, but if her name is on it she can still drain it, especially if I'm dead. I fixed that issue last week.
If you have left your SM and had a will, you likely need to deal with that as a separate issue. If you had any joint accounts you were awarded, take the money, close them and create a new account in your own name. When the divorce finalized, I was so relieved to be "done" that I didn't take some of these some steps to fully complete the process. Fortunately no harm done,but a good lesson to pass onto others.
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2021 19:16:03 GMT -5
Your story re-enforces issues beyond SM that so many of us are currently going through, or have already gone through. Especially the TRUST issue. Marriage automatically makes you put A LOT of trust in a partner.
... Some of the videos I found depicted homosexual sex with what can only be described as boys. ...
Sorry to hear about BoC's financial hit. Raw deal by fate. Screwed and non-screwed by a sexless spouse.
We hear about sexless wives whose husbands won't talk about their porn addiction. This is an extreme example, but there's legal stuff that's just too darn embarrassing to share. (diapers, feet, crush fetishes) Some not so bad, but teh porn addict cannot believe anyone would be unfazed.
I am envious of your upcoming globetrotting.
Great job on the paperwork. I'm trying to simplify matters for the Mrs. A good idea even if you're getting along with one's spouse.
Ok...another update, and we are both hoping that this is the last one on this subject.
The funeral was a week and a half ago. We made the trip to Oklahoma City with his ashes in the back of the car, and nobody knew what to expect. Remember, although BOC was the "widow", she had been trying to divorce the man for almost 4 years. I, as the "widow's boyfriend" had an even more strange and unknown status. Because during life, BOC's husband was an extremely devout Catholic, he was given a full Catholic funeral mass. In addition to family, invitations were also extended to the gay community of San Diego, of which he was a member. So we had absolutely no idea what to expect.
As it turned out, it wasn't as horrific as we'd braced ourselves for. His family was receptive of BOC, and even of me. Apparently, my efforts to support this new family had spread up there and they were appreciative. That isn't to say that it wasn't awkward. We had a dinner the evening before the funeral with a couple Catholic priests who had flown in as well as some extremely wealthy Catholic friends of BOC and her husband from when they lived in the Bay Area. It was interesting to break bread with many of these people who BOC had told me about over the years and put a face to a name. I was worried that they might be "judgey" about BOC and my living situation, but these people also live in the real world as well. Given everything else in context, were really very supportive of us.
The funeral mass took place and in the front row were the decedent's "widow", the "widow's boyfriend", three kids who refused to speak to their father in years, and one who thought of his dad as his hero. Behind us were other family members, and mostly people who we didn't know and didn't know BOC's husband. Those people were all friends of his father, but it did mean the church wasn't completely empty. After the funeral itself we drove the urn to the cemetery where one of the priests who had recently seen him in Washington DC. He gave a eulogy that didn't say anything negative (because you don't do that during a eulogy - duh). It also didn't say much positive, because other than when he was a high school teacher and Catholic school principal, he didn't really have much for the crowd in attendance.
One interesting thing about the internment of the ashes was the presence of a young man who had to be in his early-mid 20's. He wasn't part of the family, and he was taking photos of the plaque. Only later did we realize that he was likely one of the members of the San Diego gay community who was invited to the funeral. He likely kept back because he was unsure of the reaction from an apparently pious group of people, let alone the family. It's too bad we didn't realize who he likely was at the time, since we would have thanked him for coming.
There was a luncheon afterwards his father put together at a country club and it was OK. Mainly some sandwiches, dessert, and coffee, and some conversation. That evening, we had another dinner and it also went fine. The odd thing from my perspective was that nobody was really doing what you normally do during one of these things. You know, everyone pulls out their "greatest hits" stories from that person's life and everyone laughs and celebrates. There was an almost complete absence of that. Probably not surprising given the way the last years of his life went and the wreckage it caused.
Oddly enough, I've been corresponding with the decedent's father. He is tired of everyone "protecting" him, and has started asking a lot of questions about what the hell has been going on the past few years. BOC and I are treating this gently, but the man does have a right to know, and since he is asking, we are explaining the past few years from our perspective. He knows that his son was a pathological liar, but without knowing what the lies actually were he has been drawing some very faulty conclusions. Hopefully, these conversations will help bring clarity and help him heal.
At my suggestion, BOC has started going to therapy for this. She and I talk, and I listen, but this is a lot to process, and I don't know exactly how to help her on this. It took a while to warm up since there is a lot to unpack, but I think it will be helpful. And there is still more to unpack....like today.
Today the medical examiner called BOC to let her know that they had some information. On the death certificate, the cause of death will be listed as an acute amphetamine intoxication...basically, an OD. They told her that they didn't think it was intentional, and gave details like he was listening to music, and he was found with a sex toy in the bathtub. Not exactly typical of a suicide.
As part of the review, they bring in medical records from the decedent's medical history. Apparently, when he died, he was positive for both HIV as well as syphilis. We had his address changed after he died to receive his mail, and apparently these two go on top of the anal and penile warts he had been treated for but stiffed the doctor on the bill. This, of course, shocked BOC. We have no idea when he contracted all of this, and are perplexed he didn't get the treatable items taken care of such as syphilis. When the boys cleared out his apartment, there also wasn't a condom to be found. We think that the large amounts of meth was there as "party favors" for the young men who would visit him. He was a 51 year old man living in a mostly-gay apartment building for students at nearby university. If he was this irresponsible, the guy was just evil. That being said, we have only limited leads into who he knew and may have transmitted to. We will be trying to get in touch with these people and let them know so they can be tested, though.
In many ways, it is likely that BOC dodged a bullet here. We don't think he contracted HIV until after they separated, but we also did find evidence that he was self-treating for sex addiction going back to 2010. That means he was having gay sex to the point he thought he was a sex addict years before the separation. We now think that one reason he didn't touch her was because he couldn't, lest he give her an STD with no way to explain away. Just another thing we will never know. Fortunately, over the years, STD testing is just a routine part of her well woman exam. Once when she said to the doctor "but I'm married", the doctor simply patted her on the hand and said "I know..." and explained that many patients found out shocking and unexpected things.
Hopefully, this is the last shoe to drop. I mean, what the hell else could there be? I know at one point, I had a hypothesis he might have been a pedophile (and after the separation, he did like his guys really young), but I haven't seen any firm evidence of that. So without that, I think this chapter is starting to draw to a close.
We will spend the next few years cleaning up this asshole's mess, and after that, we have some big ass dreams I have previously mentioned that we wish to pursue.
Like I said in the original post, I don't know how much relevance this has for anyone else's situation. This is (hopefully) unique. However, a few general bits of advice may be gleaned...
- What your spouse says is not gospel truth - Trust your gut and your eyes - It is your responsibility to protect yourself - If you think you are being gaslighted, you probably are - Sometimes, something shitty must end for something amazing to begin - Life is really really fucking short. Things almost never get better in these kinds of situations
That's all I've got. Hopefully, this is the last "update" on this thread!
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
So for the past 4 days, ballofconfusion and I have been on a trip without kids in Colorado Springs. We both really needed it after the past couple months.
We did all the usual tourist things. Garden of the God's, Pikes Peak, etc...
We also went out for one nice dinner at a fondue place. It was in the 30's outside and we were hungry. We walked into the restaurant and the hostess asked if we had a reservation. I said "we don't, but you look tasty and warm."
I didn't even realize how that came out, but apparently the hostess thought I was referring to HER. I, of course, was clueless and BOC pointed out to me that she was avoiding our table like the plague.
Now, I suspect some women would make me feel bad about this, perhaps implying that I was flirting with the hostess. But BOC and I just laughed. Later in the evening, I observed that she is quite tasty and warm.
Jesus, it's nice to not be on edge all the time over stupid stuff like that.
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2021 20:22:53 GMT -5
Well,well,....why just this morning I was thinking " I wonder how things are going for shamwow and BOC?. Maybe I should ask for an update?" And... here it is!
I think your story has a lot of relevance to other peoples stories. Mostly the part about 'the truth continues to reveal itself with time'.
Part of that truth is owning up to how we handled the whole thing. Another part is how grateful/thankful we are, for now having others who give us the respect and truth that we deserved... all along.
I constantly read articles/stories about a taker/manipulative controller/narcissist, and who they choose to go after? It's mostly people who are confident, very honest, trustworthy, caring, forgiving, loving, intimate,respectful people!!
Everything they fear to be,and end up mocking us for being someone whom they can take advantage of.
It sounds like the two of you are healing medicine/ therapy for each other !!( and the rest of the family! Kudos on how you are helping/approaching the ex's father) Here's to new beginnings!
worksforme2: Freezing temps in the morning for the next 3 days= no peaches in the fall for me unless I buy them,... 2 yrs in a row...growing my own fruit has proven to be a losing proposition
Apr 1, 2021 16:32:30 GMT -5
Handy: Meet the Feebles=weird!
Apr 1, 2021 18:22:06 GMT -5
jerri: Lots of interesting comments. I am way behind. Sending hugs and a kiss on the cheek💋
Apr 8, 2021 0:11:19 GMT -5
roy: Hi All, I just joined, at 77. I've been in a sexless marriage for too many years ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:26:32 GMT -5
petrushka: G'day Roy, welcome to the place most of us don't want to be. I am sure you will find lots of interesting personal stories and comments and reactions on the forum. Don't be shy about jumping in to talks ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5