Post by solitarysoul on Oct 11, 2020 16:12:08 GMT -5
I have been on these boards for years...since the EP days....under more than one name.... And I am still staying in my marriage...11 years now.
If this a safe place?...seems when I post anywhere else on this board I get drilled on my decision to stay.
No one can judge my decision, and many here do, until then have walked in my shoes.
I am no saint in this matter...I have a lot of baggage...lots...and I have my issues and problems...not including my SM. I dont need to add divorce to the mess to.
What do I want???... Just a sympathetic ear...others who understand but don't judge...or try to change your mind... My story is spread out on these pages...I know I am not alone...I also know that no one hear has my same story...
Is it hostile here? Definitely not. Will folks ask uncomfortable questions, challenge assumptions, and make sometimes unpleasant observations? Yes. But if you are clear about your intent here and what you do/don’t want from replies, people are generally respectful of your boundaries.
I think if you take a wander through the threads in this section you’ll find that generally holds true. None of us are pros and there is no “party line” like at some sites, but there are many common themes here and folks will help you navigate based on their own experiences (and those they’ve seen play out here).
But as Brother DryCreek notes, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to agree with what you post. Nor does it mean that you are going to agree with what other people post.
The exchange of views is the value in this group, and that means that at some point you are going to post something that someone else disagrees with. And on the other hand someone else is going to post something that you disagree with.
Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2020 22:37:31 GMT -5
This is the space dedicated to people who have decided to stay. If you don’t want to be challenged about staying then post only in this group. It is hubris to think that when you post in other groups here people will remember that you plan to stay, and people won’t challenge you about that. This is the one place in ILIASM which is designed do that stayers won’t get challenged about staying.
We all have our moments. I am staying, I love my H, always have and since I get sex that is an adventure, elsewhere it really helps me love him more.
Maybe l am selfish, but I would lose a lot of property that I have worked hard to get. I have spent my life working hard at my job and collecting property and paying it off. I don't want to give it up.
I worked hard on divorce busting book. It paid off. We are very good to each other and I have enjoyed quarantine with him. I don't get sex, but some intimacy has returned and I look forward to retirement with him. He retired because he thought he was very sick. He thought he was dying. I researched his illness and just with nutrition and a hand full of supplements, it went away. He was shocked and so was I. He took a lower retirement amount so I would get his retirement when he passed. Which means I don't have to sell any of the properties if he passes away. I like the financial set up, but also stay because l want to. He's fun to be with.
Maybe l agree with the author Ester Pearl. We should have an entire village to fill our needs instead of one single person. I used to have different friends I did different things with. I didn't depend on my marriage for a lot of my needs.
All anyone has is suggestions, doesn't mean we have to run with them. How can anyone really know what we need until we assert ourselves. I think it's not my place to tell you to stay or leave. You have my ear as you put it. 💋💙💕
I've posted mainly in this section and responses from members have been friendly. I hope you find some comfort here and also learn from experiences of others. We can relate to one another, we're not that different. I don't mind comments that disagree with mine as long as they intend to help and not hurt.
I think it is a very honest group. I think it is a group that has seen all sides of the question and is willing to challenge and probe. It is a group that will make you look in the mirror and not hide. It can be a bruising and bumpy ride. But I think it is a safe group and as one who has had a fair share of butt kicks here I feel it has my best interest at heart. Ye Gods, help me. What is the auote from Spellbound when Bergman analyses Peck, "there will be some bashing, just don't bash too hard" or something like that.
It's your life and happiness, and you have to live it. I was as hardfast to make the best of what I considered a sacred and life bond. But my refuser(W) who is never happy for long, insisted on separation, I finely decided to move on and am not looking back. I am happier, and getting laid, but there are no guarantees. I just wish I had had the balls, to move on sooner. Welcome and sorry
Post by solitarysoul on Oct 12, 2020 16:41:38 GMT -5
yep... i have been through this 1,001 times... i am not interested in being challenged on my decision to stay. My situation is not so easy to say that i should leave if i am not getting laid.
For example, your spouse gets in a car accident and ends up paralyzed.. do you leave because she can't bounce on your lap anymore?... My situation isnt far from it... and i carry significant baggage too....i just want a place where no one is on my case... I was a virgin until 28, so i know how to go without sex... i know i am unattractive to most people (in more ways than one).. let it go.
Jerri, i can understand.. i too have a lot to lose in separation, 95% of it I brought in as i am the saver, the investor.. not the spender.
yeah, the internet... 95% bad.... 5% good.... and 95% the reason i have problems.
I have had enough bashing over the years... 6 years has it been on this site? Maybe more?
I can live without getting laid... i made it the first 28 years fine... and the last 10 years too... i will survive... just not the way others do... People who only focus on sex as being the source of happiness, seem to miss a lot of other things too... but to each their own.
Dont judge my decision... if you want to, come to NY and spend a week with me first...
After all these years, I just want people to accept my decision to stay... And not challenge me at every turn as to my decision... For this, I have made my decision.... Please accept and respect it...
If to get that, I have to stay in this subgroup, I will... Seems I get challenged at every turn outside this group when I post in the other subgroups.
The options tend to be Stay Cheat Leave.
Cheating is a form of staying. Included in that unsavory word are informed non-monogamy and (ideally) polyamory. Having a partner your spouse knows about.
So when you want folks to respect the decision to stay, does that rule out an additional partner to attend to the specific issue that characterizes an SM? It helps if your requested boundary is specific. (especially for hippies like Jerri and me)
Your talk of your ability to do without sex hints you have a capacity to be voluntarily asexual. If lack of sex isn't grating your nerves, you're a bit unusual for this forum. ILIASMaICWIL "I live in a sexless marriage and I'm cool with it, largely."
We can cope, but let us switch gears. If the lack of sex isn't the issue, I suppose it becomes general communication, interaction issues? Is there a complaint at all? Do you need anything? Why are you here? Maybe you're asking that yourself?
Post by snowman12345 on Oct 13, 2020 5:50:33 GMT -5
I come and go from this board as I please. I stay in my SM because it pleases me to stay. Every person has a right to their thoughts and feelings. It is how we form our opinions. Debate is a part of life; you debate with yourself and with others about how things should be vs the way things are. If you just want to rant out of frustration - then do so. It might help to label it as such. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do.
worksforme2: Freezing temps in the morning for the next 3 days= no peaches in the fall for me unless I buy them,... 2 yrs in a row...growing my own fruit has proven to be a losing proposition
Apr 1, 2021 16:32:30 GMT -5
Handy: Meet the Feebles=weird!
Apr 1, 2021 18:22:06 GMT -5
jerri: Lots of interesting comments. I am way behind. Sending hugs and a kiss on the cheek💋
Apr 8, 2021 0:11:19 GMT -5
roy: Hi All, I just joined, at 77. I've been in a sexless marriage for too many years ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:26:32 GMT -5
petrushka: G'day Roy, welcome to the place most of us don't want to be. I am sure you will find lots of interesting personal stories and comments and reactions on the forum. Don't be shy about jumping in to talks ...
Apr 9, 2021 15:47:25 GMT -5