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Post by DryCreek on Oct 13, 2020 10:02:13 GMT -5
You're speaking of a chat room? Is there a SM chat room elsewhere? I expect the answer is no. Is there interest? Hmmm. Not sure what you’re referencing, but, no, I was talking about the discussion threads like this one. There is a live chat feature here if you browse in desktop mode - it’s at the bottom of every page. But it sees almost no traffic, so that probably answers your question about interest. Or maybe we all use mobile and just don’t see it (like me). |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 13, 2020 14:39:24 GMT -5
The dead bedrooms forums on Reddit are very active.
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 13, 2020 18:37:24 GMT -5
After all these years, I just want people to accept my decision to stay... And not challenge me at every turn as to my decision... For this, I have made my decision.... Please accept and respect it... If to get that, I have to stay in this subgroup, I will... Seems I get challenged at every turn outside this group when I post in the other subgroups. The options tend to be Stay Cheat Leave. Cheating is a form of staying. Included in that unsavory word are informed non-monogamy and (ideally) polyamory. Having a partner your spouse knows about. So when you want folks to respect the decision to stay, does that rule out an additional partner to attend to the specific issue that characterizes an SM? It helps if your requested boundary is specific. (especially for hippies like Jerri and me) Your talk of your ability to do without sex hints you have a capacity to be voluntarily asexual. If lack of sex isn't grating your nerves, you're a bit unusual for this forum. ILIASMaICWIL "I live in a sexless marriage and I'm cool with it, largely." We can cope, but let us switch gears. If the lack of sex isn't the issue, I suppose it becomes general communication, interaction issues? Is there a complaint at all? Do you need anything? Why are you here? Maybe you're asking that yourself? Thank you for your words... They certainly don't feel like they are meant to arouse conflict or be confrontational ... but are more thought provoking... For me, cheating/non-monogamy just doesn't work. It feels too wrong in my head. It may be fine for some, but i would hate myself too much over it. I already have self esteem issues. Even dabbling in this idea proved it to me. I am not sure how an additional partner to attend to my issues would not be wrong in my situation. My W would NEVER feel ok about that. and nor would I. I can understand whereas some might... or might feel happy that it makes their partner happy. But not a lot of people (in my experience) have that luxury. Sex can be enjoyed more in the context of an intimate relationship. I have a lot of struggles being comfortable with my own sexuality and even more when it comes to expressing it. No one, certainly not women, get a sexual vibe from me... i measure 0 on the sexual Geiger counter.... Do i have the capacity to be asexual? Well its been most of my life, so yes, i suppose i do. It does NOT mean that i don't get turned on, or that i don't think about sex... it means i know the reality is that i will not be having sex. So i take care of my own needs. My life and my experience has taught me that its the only way to deal with my sexual feelings. Some people reach for others when they are "in the mood". I retreat to a quiet private room... its the only way life has taught me to handle sexual feelings. Sure i wish i had developed a proper and healthy sexual life, but it never happened. And W has her own issues.. and at this age, most of that boat has sailed. I wouldn't say a lack of sex isn't an issue... its just one i don't see being resolved. So i need to be careful at how much time i spend yelling at the wind. Yes, there are general communication issues... with her vastly different work schedule and health issues, we sleep at different ends of the house... we pass in the kitchen... that's hard some times. You cant really have a reasonable sex life if you don't have some level of connection. How many people here have lost that intimate connection for other reasons? Do i need anything?... just an understand ear sometimes... most people cannot begin to understand where i am at... most guys have told me they would have left long ago... but the situation is more complicated that that. People here at least have some level of understanding of where you are at. That's why i am here... to try to be around others who can understand what it feels like... to have an appreciation. If i want to rant, i do. if i want to self pity i do...My time in counseling has taught me how interconnected so many of my issues are... my solitude in my youth, my lack of learning to connect with females, my lack of experience in sex (and love for that matter), and now the ramifications of a lifetime of this and what it has done to me, my brain, my body, my soul. I don't know that i have ever found a place that i feel sexually safe.... |
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Post by saarinista on Oct 13, 2020 19:53:00 GMT -5
Are you still getting therapy? Sounds like it might be helpful for you to have some one on one attention from a caring human. Good luck.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 14, 2020 5:53:31 GMT -5
The options tend to be Stay Cheat Leave. Cheating is a form of staying. Included in that unsavory word are informed non-monogamy and (ideally) polyamory. Having a partner your spouse knows about. So when you want folks to respect the decision to stay, does that rule out an additional partner to attend to the specific issue that characterizes an SM? It helps if your requested boundary is specific. (especially for hippies like Jerri and me) Your talk of your ability to do without sex hints you have a capacity to be voluntarily asexual. If lack of sex isn't grating your nerves, you're a bit unusual for this forum. ILIASMaICWIL "I live in a sexless marriage and I'm cool with it, largely." We can cope, but let us switch gears. If the lack of sex isn't the issue, I suppose it becomes general communication, interaction issues? Is there a complaint at all? Do you need anything? Why are you here? Maybe you're asking that yourself? Thank you for your words... They certainly don't feel like they are meant to arouse conflict or be confrontational ... but are more thought provoking... For me, cheating/non-monogamy just doesn't work. It feels too wrong in my head. It may be fine for some, but i would hate myself too much over it. I already have self esteem issues. Even dabbling in this idea proved it to me. I am not sure how an additional partner to attend to my issues would not be wrong in my situation. My W would NEVER feel ok about that. and nor would I. I can understand whereas some might... or might feel happy that it makes their partner happy. But not a lot of people (in my experience) have that luxury. Sex can be enjoyed more in the context of an intimate relationship. I have a lot of struggles being comfortable with my own sexuality and even more when it comes to expressing it. No one, certainly not women, get a sexual vibe from me... i measure 0 on the sexual Geiger counter.... Do i have the capacity to be asexual? Well its been most of my life, so yes, i suppose i do. It does NOT mean that i don't get turned on, or that i don't think about sex... it means i know the reality is that i will not be having sex. So i take care of my own needs. My life and my experience has taught me that its the only way to deal with my sexual feelings. Some people reach for others when they are "in the mood". I retreat to a quiet private room... its the only way life has taught me to handle sexual feelings. Sure i wish i had developed a proper and healthy sexual life, but it never happened. And W has her own issues.. and at this age, most of that boat has sailed. I wouldn't say a lack of sex isn't an issue... its just one i don't see being resolved. So i need to be careful at how much time i spend yelling at the wind. Yes, there are general communication issues... with her vastly different work schedule and health issues, we sleep at different ends of the house... we pass in the kitchen... that's hard some times. You cant really have a reasonable sex life if you don't have some level of connection. How many people here have lost that intimate connection for other reasons? Do i need anything?... just an understand ear sometimes... most people cannot begin to understand where i am at... most guys have told me they would have left long ago... but the situation is more complicated that that. People here at least have some level of understanding of where you are at. That's why i am here... to try to be around others who can understand what it feels like... to have an appreciation. If i want to rant, i do. if i want to self pity i do...My time in counseling has taught me how interconnected so many of my issues are... my solitude in my youth, my lack of learning to connect with females, my lack of experience in sex (and love for that matter), and now the ramifications of a lifetime of this and what it has done to me, my brain, my body, my soul. I don't know that i have ever found a place that i feel sexually safe.... I'm pleased you found the phrasing benign. I've not been one to try to persuade anyone to try/do non-monogamy. My main efforts involve raising the subject since it is not yet mainstream nor are most environments speaking of it in anything but hostile terms. I do take issue with the idea that non-monogamous sex isn't intimate. Often it isn't. Even deliberately so. Polyamory circles tend strongly towards emotional intimacy combined with physical. "Swingers" tend to the physical only, with emotional bonds being optional or even utterly eschewed. Your wife would never be okay with you having a sexual partner. (she, refusing to be one, you are left with zero.), the question is whether you are okay with zero too. You are here. Perhaps you aren't. If you've got resistance to the idea of non-monogamy, that may change with time, or not. I recall your history to some degree and your case is remarkably special. You are presently committing to allowing your wife to live her vision of marriage, exclusively, for the remainder of the marriage. Perhaps you'll want to have a turn at having a sexual marriage for a future term. Be it with her, or another. Be it married to someone new, or married to your wife with a sexual component not involving her. Time will tell eventually. Maybe you'll run out the clock. Many do. You've gone over obstacles to creating a sex life for yourself before and they are indeed daunting. They will do a number on your self-confidence in terms of pursuing mates. Still, I'm troubled at what seems like a wish to be desired by a lady. As a comedian once joked about being hit on by a gay man, "Even if you don't want to go to the party, it's nice to be invited." Until you're open to the idea of non-monogamy, your attractiveness to women isn't much of a factor. If you were a studmuffin, it could be quite torturous, perhaps. Your lack of confidence is your ally, yet you're sad about it. The internal conflict is surreal. You want something that you wouldn't be mentally/morally able to use if you had it. What is a path forward there? I might have ideas, but they too are surreal and odd enough I won't offer them unsolicited. "sexually safe." No doubt there's more to unpack there. Discussion? Activity? Both? Perhaps ILIASM can help with the discussion part. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 12:13:55 GMT -5
Are you still getting therapy? Sounds like it might be helpful for you to have some one on one attention from a caring human. Good luck. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 1/2 years... but that is mostly about my criminal conviction which has caused massive damage to myself emotionally. My counselor has never met my W so she feels its not appropriate to speak on the state of my marriage, only about my feelings and how i take care of myself. We can't control others... While its nice to speak of a country of second chances and redemption... it is absolutely not true. Many of us carry a label and burden due our legal issues...until we find a grave. Tomorrow or next month.... |
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 16:15:55 GMT -5
mirrororchid, You do have a way of being inquisitive without forcing me to be defensive. Your questions are worth asking... That is what i mean by "is it safe" to post in the folder... I don't like being put on the defensive with regards to my decisions. Does anyone think that helps?... It only pushes me away further, builds walls. That is what i mean about being safe here.
Non-monogamy may make sense to many people here... but its not socially, or legally accepted in the US. I already have a strike against me, i don't need to add adultery to that. and i could not live with myself anyway.. not how i was raised. But i do understand the arguments.
I have known a few swingers in years past... and that works for them because they have the sexual intimacy with their partner in many cases and the rest is for physical enjoyment. Yes, i know you can separate the two.. and that often works.. and sounds like a nice idea... but i go back to my previous point about being socially (or legally) accepted. The swingers i knew admitted it felt like a very underground, behind closed door world.
True, this marriage is much more of her vision. But as i have learned, i am a "people pleaser".. always have been every since i was a child. That is a well known personality trait. Its unlikely to change with another partner... i have always preferred to sacrifice of myself than to cause pain or problems for others. Whether it is the current W .. or another.
well, who wouldn't like to be desired? It can be a real nice feeling. But even if they do, i don't believe them most of the time. I have spent most of my life being rejected by women... dozens... so i am more than suspicious when they don't. Some even use the opportunity to make fun of and laugh at me... my defenses are up. But who wouldnt like to be that guy... when i was about 30, i gave it a real try.. some nice clothes, a confident attitude, tried to get out there... but i was so out of the game...and didnt know how to play the game... it ended up in failure.. except the W showed up at the end.
Agreed, if it walked in my door... at this point, i don't think i could handle or use it... 45+ years of this has been very damaging to me... i am very broken when it comes to sex. I hold nothing against women in general. I just know that i am not what MOST of them want... and i do NOT create desire within them. So go on my way... kicking the rock down the path. But its nice to think of what might have been
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Post by saarinista on Oct 14, 2020 17:21:16 GMT -5
Why torture yourself thinking of what might have been, solitarysoul? I really have no desire to meet you because you sound horrible. I'm sure other women would be repulsed, too, from the way you talk. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying that I think you might be happier if you just stop thinking about sex and what might have been. Clearly, you're meant to always be alone. You've decided it already. And maybe that even means this isn't the right forum for you. I don't say that to push you away. I'm still just not clear why you're here. 🤷♀️ |
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 18:36:47 GMT -5
Why torture yourself thinking of what might have been, solitarysoul? I really have no desire to meet you because you sound horrible. I'm sure other women would be repulsed, too, from the way you talk. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying that I think you might be happier if you just stop thinking about sex and what might have been. Clearly, you're meant to always be alone. You've decided it already. And maybe that even means this isn't the right forum for you. I don't say that to push you away. I'm still just not clear why you're here. 🤷♀️ Fair enough... I even repulse women here... I guess coming back was a bad idea. I won't do this any longer. Sorry for messing up the board. |
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 14, 2020 19:49:38 GMT -5
I've repulsed saaranista and other ladies here. They can handle it.
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Post by Handy on Oct 14, 2020 21:01:33 GMT -5
Solitarysoul, your response is a bit dramatic. The people on this forum are trying to understand and help you. Stick around.
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Post by jerri on Oct 14, 2020 21:09:10 GMT -5
Dear Soul,Don't go💙❣
I will edit and add more.
There's nothing wrong with the path you're taking. I did the exact same thing for over a decade.
Is your wife ill? Did she get in an accident? If it's far from it what is it?
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Post by wewbwb on Oct 14, 2020 21:31:22 GMT -5
This is a pretty safe group. But as Brother DryCreek notes, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to agree with what you post. Nor does it mean that you are going to agree with what other people post. The exchange of views is the value in this group, and that means that at some point you are going to post something that someone else disagrees with. And on the other hand someone else is going to post something that you disagree with. Please keep your opinions to yourself baza .... (Just when you thought the asshole wewbwb was gone for good....  ) I am of course kidding. |
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Post by wewbwb on Oct 14, 2020 21:31:54 GMT -5
The dead bedrooms forums on Reddit are very active. Oh the irony. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Oct 14, 2020 21:53:02 GMT -5
Nope...she was right... I am horrible...and women are always repulsed by me... They just use me to their advantage... I don't know why I am here... It's clear I have given up...
I enjoyed this board a lot more 5 years ago... now to move on to things not involving sex... Start new tomorrow.
I guess I have my answer...
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