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Money
Sept 30, 2020 3:10:06 GMT -5
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Post by lessingham on Sept 30, 2020 3:10:06 GMT -5
For most of our marriage my wife has not cared about the family finances. As long as she could buy what she wanted that was all she cared about. During the troubled times I battled alone trying to stay out of debt. I am not a great budgeteer but I got us through.
Now things are good, money in the bank and a healthy monthly surplus. But suddenly she has become weird. She challenges me on grocery bills.she insists on the healthy diet she is following and she insisted we shop at upmarket supermarkets. Now she demands a cutback and cheaper shops. She checks the balance and wants to know why this, why that and what was that bill for. 30 years ago I would have wept for such assistance but now?
But when she buys clothes then she does with nonchalant ease. I pointed out we were at month's end once and all hell broke loose.
I am tempted to open a seperate account for my money and pay into the joint one as required but she will demand accounts from that I suspect.
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Post by Handy on Sept 30, 2020 5:40:34 GMT -5
Lessingham, there are household finance programs for mobile phones and tablets. There is a series of Dave Ramsey "Every Dollar Counts" on Youtube. People call into his programs and state how much dept they have. Other people call into the program and talk about how much debt they paid off and how they did it.
You may not need all of his program but it will help you to determine what might be your next step.
Having a separate savings account aside from the household budget is my first thought.
When my W was working part time ($10K yr) half went for TV shopping, her clothing and jewelry, while I paid for everything else.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 30, 2020 5:47:40 GMT -5
For most of our marriage my wife has not cared about the family finances. As long as she could buy what she wanted that was all she cared about. During the troubled times I battled alone trying to stay out of debt. I am not a great budgeteer but I got us through. Now things are good, money in the bank and a healthy monthly surplus. But suddenly she has become weird. She challenges me on grocery bills. she insists on the healthy diet she is following and she insisted we shop at upmarket supermarkets. Now she demands a cutback and cheaper shops. She checks the balance and wants to know why this, why that and what was that bill for. 30 years ago I would have wept for such assistance but now? But when she buys clothes then she does with nonchalant ease. I pointed out we were at month's end once and all hell broke loose. I am tempted to open a separate account for my money and pay into the joint one as required but she will demand accounts from that I suspect. 1) She thinks you're spending money on an Affair Partner (AP) 2) She's squirreling money away to leave you. Maybe set up a separate account for her that you have no access to so she can squirrel away an amount that makes her feel safe. Same result minus the badgering. You don't get one. Perhaps suggest an account a tenth as large and you don't have to answer any questions about it. You'll purchase basic necessities with it. Nothing big enough to afford a mistress. Just to stop with the ridiculous questions. She can't ENJOY hounding you. Heck, I'd insist on it. She's your wife, not your parole officer. You don't answer to her. You share. It's voluntary, and not required. Do not give her endless answers to endless questions. It does neither of you a service. |
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Post by csl on Sept 30, 2020 6:16:49 GMT -5
For most of our marriage my wife has not cared about the family finances. As long as she could buy what she wanted that was all she cared about. During the troubled times I battled alone trying to stay out of debt. I am not a great budgeteer but I got us through. Now things are good, money in the bank and a healthy monthly surplus. But suddenly she has become weird. She challenges me on grocery bills. she insists on the healthy diet she is following and she insisted we shop at upmarket supermarkets. Now she demands a cutback and cheaper shops. She checks the balance and wants to know why this, why that and what was that bill for. 30 years ago I would have wept for such assistance but now? But when she buys clothes then she does with nonchalant ease. I pointed out we were at month's end once and all hell broke loose. I am tempted to open a seperate account for my money and pay into the joint one as required but she will demand accounts from that I suspect. Earbuds and earphones are your friends. |
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Post by baza on Sept 30, 2020 6:34:41 GMT -5
You are staying Brother lessingham , a perfectly valid position to take. But along with that choice you have to own it, and you have to live it. There is very little point in continually taking your missus' inventory. |
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Post by h on Sept 30, 2020 11:22:14 GMT -5
Definitely open a separate account. Her behavior is very suspicious and you should protect yourself should she decide to surprise you by cleaning out your joint account. Don't tell her anything about the other account. If you want to tell her you HAVE an account, tell her nothing about any transactions or how much is in it. If she wants to throw a fit when you question her purchases, she loses the right to question yours. My wife knows I have a separate savings account because I had to claim interest on our taxes. Other than that, she knows nothing.
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Money
Sept 30, 2020 17:51:04 GMT -5
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 30, 2020 17:51:04 GMT -5
This reads like a control issue to me. The more she is able to worry and annoy any and all information about the finances out of you while at the same time deterring you from commenting on her spending habits, the more control she has over you. Don't let yourself be beaten into submission. Tell her the information is only available on a need to know basis, and she doesn't need to know.
If push comes to shove I suggest a budget be worked out. Both of you will agree to a general range on spending whether it be consumables, clothing, entertainment or other normal expenditures. Purchases outside the budget must be justified or they can be vetoed by either party. A consistent figure for saving is a priority for unexpected expenses.
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Money
Oct 1, 2020 5:47:46 GMT -5
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 1, 2020 5:47:46 GMT -5
Definitely open a separate account. Her behavior is very suspicious and you should protect yourself should she decide to surprise you by cleaning out your joint account. Don't tell her anything about the other account. If you want to tell her you HAVE an account, tell her nothing about any transactions or how much is in it. If she wants to throw a fit when you question her purchases, she loses the right to question yours. My wife knows I have a separate savings account because I had to claim interest on our taxes. Other than that, she knows nothing. This could be sound reasoning. It also invites possible strife. Not sure what assets you have at your disposal. If the wife cleaned out a joint account, do you own the house? When a spouse cleans out an account and leaves a rental, yes, that can be devastating, but maybe temporary: www.altshulerlaw.com/blog/your-rights-when-one-spouse-tries-to-empty-out-the-joint-bank-accounts/As Baza says, make sure your district's rules are similarly sensible. A separate account can be pretty small if you just need to tide over while the law gets your money back form the spouse that thought they were slick. (Boggles my mind you'd steal from the person you promised to love 'til you died, but that's us, isn't it?) |
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Money
Oct 1, 2020 7:31:57 GMT -5
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Post by lessingham on Oct 1, 2020 7:31:57 GMT -5
The house is in joint names. My savings are in my name and she could clear out the current account. But thdn I simply transfer my income to a new account.
It is the fact she does this now that hurts, not the decades ago when I needed help and support with the budget. In many ways she is a child with money, come a day, go a day, God send Sunday attitude. And then I am the bad guy always saying no
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Post by isthisit on Oct 1, 2020 16:13:27 GMT -5
Your wife is childish, controlling and demonstrates complete contempt for your work ethic. Coupled with her contempt for your wellbeing and happiness it’s a wonder you can bear it all.
Please remind me why you do?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 1, 2020 16:41:58 GMT -5
Lessingham, you could choose to close all of the joint accounts including credit cards. Open accounts in your name only. Give your wife a reasonable allowance. Problem solved. Consult with a lawyer to find out if you'd be responsible for any debt she runs up in credit cards in her name only.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 1, 2020 17:56:23 GMT -5
lessingham, this is what we call “feeding the bad dog”. Don’t reward bad behavior. Crush it. If she is being unreasonable, cutoff her visibility / access to your finances. It’s heavy-handed, but I kinda like the idea of closing joint accounts and making her responsible for managing her own allowance if she’s going to be difficult. This likely has no bearing on joint ownership of the assets (and perhaps even the debt) in a divorce, but until then it rights a wrong. I entered marriage with a strong “team” ethic - everything is joint. I regret that now. Decisions that I used to make with autonomy became committee decisions with excess justification and “analysis paralysis”. Many opportunities were missed, and surprises became impossible. A weight was lifted when I started a new business and informed her that I would not be disclosing the financials.
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Money
Oct 1, 2020 18:29:37 GMT -5
Handy likes this
Post by mirrororchid on Oct 1, 2020 18:29:37 GMT -5
Lessingham, you could choose to close all of the joint accounts including credit cards. Open accounts in your name only. Give your wife a reasonable allowance. Problem solved. Consult with a lawyer to find out if you'd be responsible for any debt she runs up in credit cards in her name only. If you aren't paying them off in full, yes, definitely this. Bad enough to be penniless and a free man. Enslaved by debt is a path to despair. (I mean, more so than a SM provides already.) |
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Money
Oct 1, 2020 22:40:47 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2020 22:40:47 GMT -5
For most of our marriage my wife has not cared about the family finances. As long as she could buy what she wanted that was all she cared about. During the troubled times I battled alone trying to stay out of debt. I am not a great budgeteer but I got us through. Now things are good, money in the bank and a healthy monthly surplus. But suddenly she has become weird. She challenges me on grocery bills.she insists on the healthy diet she is following and she insisted we shop at upmarket supermarkets. Now she demands a cutback and cheaper shops. She checks the balance and wants to know why this, why that and what was that bill for. 30 years ago I would have wept for such assistance but now? But when she buys clothes then she does with nonchalant ease. I pointed out we were at month's end once and all hell broke loose. I am tempted to open a seperate account for my money and pay into the joint one as required but she will demand accounts from that I suspect.
It sounds like you have nothing to hide. If there is "money in the bank and a healthy monthly surplus" let her fester over the details as much as she wants.
Do you both contribute fairly equally in terms of income?
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Money
Oct 2, 2020 3:56:41 GMT -5
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Post by lessingham on Oct 2, 2020 3:56:41 GMT -5
We both pay into a joint account. She has about the same income as me, weirdly he private pension is about the same, though she earned less. Ah, the vagrancies of money.
I will get my state pension next year and that goes into a new account not the joint.
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