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Post by angeleyes65 on Jun 18, 2020 12:45:17 GMT -5
So much for that!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 18, 2020 16:13:27 GMT -5
That sucks, but clearly it wasn't the right situation if that's what he did to you. It will all work out. Don't give up!  This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? The trick is to identify the avoidant ones before you get attached. I take it you are familiar with attachment theory and family of origin? There's a pretty good book that I can't put my hands on right now that I have at home that teaches you how to identify someone's attachment style pretty quickly. You might be well served by giving it a read if you never have. If you want the name of it, let me know and I'll find it in my library at home. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 0:47:43 GMT -5
This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? The trick is to identify the avoidant ones before you get attached. I take it you are familiar with attachment theory and family of origin? There's a pretty good book that I can't put my hands on right now that I have at home that teaches you how to identify someone's attachment style pretty quickly. You might be well served by giving it a read if you never have. If you want the name of it, let me know and I'll find it in my library at home. If you find it and can quote parts of it that are relevant that would be fantastic. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 19, 2020 8:36:52 GMT -5
Posts like this one are eye openers for me. Like many men I have a hard time grasping the concept of an attractive woman having difficulty maintaining a continuous and satisfying sexual relationship. JMX's post "Like a slug" offers another view of women not being able to avail themselves of a nice penis when they really need one to deal with their active libidos. I still find it hard to believe women have difficulty getting sex when they want it, but if these stories be true then it must be so.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:20:30 GMT -5
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:24:50 GMT -5
The minute I gave up, he texted to say hi. We had coffee today; according to him, he’s had too much stuff going on at home and work (and it sounded like serious stuff) and I should have texted instead.
I’m going to take a few days to gather my thoughts on the topic. Like, is this me needing to chill out or is he being avoidant?
At any rate, every time I have been ghosted, I get back our there and BAM! Tons of messages. Finding sex isn’t an issue.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 19, 2020 17:25:37 GMT -5
I didn’t hear a peep for nearly a week.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 19, 2020 19:36:47 GMT -5
Are you looking for sex or a relationship? (i.e. are you this guy's booty call or are you actually trying to connect on another level?)
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 22, 2020 11:57:47 GMT -5
Are you looking for sex or a relationship? (i.e. are you this guy's booty call or are you actually trying to connect on another level?) Sex is secondary but has always still been important. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 22, 2020 12:56:55 GMT -5
Stupid typos!
So, some of the comments on this thread seem to suggest to me that men equate sex with a relationship (such as when I’d mentioned having communication issues with my guy and @worksforme commented on how it must be difficult for women for find good dick) Is this true? If so, it explains a lot.
So I have to be very specific in that, when I say I want a relationship, I don’t mean a FWB.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 23, 2020 10:44:29 GMT -5
Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? So, some of the comments on this thread seem to suggest to me that men equate sex with a relationship (such as when I’d mentioned having communication issues with my guy and @worksforme commented on how it must be difficult for women for find good dick) Is this true? If so, it explains a lot. So I have to be very specific in that, when I say I want a relationship, I don’t mean a FWB. Hi. I'm a 40-something from TN and I'm an avoidaholic. Open to sex, but not a relationship. Translation: I have been through marriage HELL and the trauma still lingers. I just need to heal and learn how to grow up and be comfortable in my own skin before I can trust myself to fall in love and get too close to another person again. So how many guys do you think I have to sleep with before I find one who sticks around for a while? 😂 I talked to my friend’s therapist yesterday and joked that at this rate my “number” is going to hit 500 (it was 3 when I was married). She offered some tactics for conveying that, no, I’m not trying to trap anyone in a relationship, I just want communication and I need data at this point. |
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Post by elynne on Jun 23, 2020 12:02:07 GMT -5
That sucks, but clearly it wasn't the right situation if that's what he did to you. It will all work out. Don't give up! This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? The odds of older single men having some sort of relationship issues is definitely higher. If they are still single, never been married or in a serious longterm partnership and they’re over 40, chances are avoidant or some other major issue. If they are divorced and over 50, there is a reason for the divorce. Perhaps they lack an ability to discuss and work out issues in a healthy way. Maybe they can’t acknowledge and accept when a partner’s feelings or opinions differ from their own, maybe a narcissist or aspergers or borderline. Your best bet is on a widower, or someone who is kindhearted and trusting and had the bad judgement to hitch their wagon to a wife with major issues. Be forewarned. Most good guys have settled down and are making it work in the relationship they’re in. Be thankful that the ones you’re dating are showing their true colors early, before you develop an attachment to them! When you find a good one, take it slow. Let it develop organically. And treasure him. Just as he will treasure you. (Speaking from experience. My ex withheld affection, sex, attention, acknowledgement of my existence, access to joint accounts and finances once I traded in a finance career for motherhood. He was abusive physically, emotionally, financially. What hurt the most was his withholding affection. In stark contrast my current boyfriend is thoughtful, generous, and kind. He adores me, loves kissing, cuddling, touching me. Offers massages out of the blue. Buys my favorite brand of tea to keep at his house. He listens when I’m sad, he cheers my successes, he accepts my shortcomings without expecting me to change and he loves me. Me. Exactly as I am. There are unicorns out there. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you well. |
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Jun 23, 2020 14:19:26 GMT -5
This has been LITERALLY every guy I’ve dated since my divorce. Every last one has been avoidant and then bailed. Are all 40-something men avoidant, or is it just here in CA? The odds of older single men having some sort of relationship issues is definitely higher. If they are still single, never been married or in a serious longterm partnership and they’re over 40, chances are avoidant or some other major issue. If they are divorced and over 50, there is a reason for the divorce. Perhaps they lack an ability to discuss and work out issues in a healthy way. Maybe they can’t acknowledge and accept when a partner’s feelings or opinions differ from their own, maybe a narcissist or aspergers or borderline. Your best bet is on a widower, or someone who is kindhearted and trusting and had the bad judgement to hitch their wagon to a wife with major issues. Be forewarned. Most good guys have settled down and are making it work in the relationship they’re in. Be thankful that the ones you’re dating are showing their true colors early, before you develop an attachment to them! When you find a good one, take it slow. Let it develop organically. And treasure him. Just as he will treasure you. (Speaking from experience. My ex withheld affection, sex, attention, acknowledgement of my existence, access to joint accounts and finances once I traded in a finance career for motherhood. He was abusive physically, emotionally, financially. What hurt the most was his withholding affection. In stark contrast my current boyfriend is thoughtful, generous, and kind. He adores me, loves kissing, cuddling, touching me. Offers massages out of the blue. Buys my favorite brand of tea to keep at his house. He listens when I’m sad, he cheers my successes, he accepts my shortcomings without expecting me to change and he loves me. Me. Exactly as I am. There are unicorns out there. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you well. I may need to pick your brain at some point. I’m about a year out from my son going to college and I’m thinking about relocating. For one, due to the high cost of where I live; for two, I’m wondering whether I might have a shot at having a better social life somewhere that isn’t as hustle-bustle as California seems to be. |
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Post by saarinista on Jun 23, 2020 15:16:00 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes Given that you live in California, almost everything else will seem like a bargain by contrast.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2020 0:19:54 GMT -5
I definitely agree with elynne that men over 40 will often be hesitant to commit and are also more likely to have issues. I also think, for us sexless survivors, the need for sex can easily overtake our thought process as we look for new mates and we sometimes end up rushing into sex. But, as you said in one of your replies here, mypaintbrushes, sex is the easy part! Sex is (over) abundant, especially in the online scene. I think it's Relationship (capital R) we are all really longing for. (So yes to what Elynne says - "When you find a good one, take it slow!")
I just read that we are sexually compatible with exponentially more people than we are relationally compatible with. In a nutshell, it's easy to find someone to have great sex with, but once the hot sex is over, what's left? That's the hard part. When we put sex first, it can also confuse the issue - we overlook red flags and get attached before there is a real relationship. When I was online dating, I had an older man tell me that men will usually not say no to sex, no matter how early it is offered. However, when they find later that they aren't really compatible with the woman, it gets awkward, and they will figure out a way to bail.
Another male friend of mine has told me that he doesn't every truly respect a woman who offers/allows sex early on and that women are the gatekeepers. Problem is, women don't keep the gate anymore. They open it early and often. This makes it very, very easy for men who don't want to commit - they can get sex with no strings from just about anyone anymore.
Don't be afraid to tell men what you're looking for - commitment, a best friend, a soul mate, whatever it may be, and then sit back and watch. Weed out the ones who can't commit. If a man waits for you - he's worth it, he's looking to connect with your soul, not just your body.
Another analogy I have heard is a fishing analogy. You will catch the type of fish that are attracted to your lure. For example, if you fish with your body (and sex), you will catch a man who is after your body. If you fish with your money, you will catch a man who wants your money. You get the idea, and I won't belabor the point. So, fish with your personality, your heart... and see what bites.
There IS true love and commitment after 40 and after SM. There ARE good men out there. Keep the faith!
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