From Bing: compel to act in a particular way, especially one that is considered undesirable or inappropriate. "he was driven by ambition"
Using thesaurus.com, these negative-connotation synonyms flesh out why I was put off: consumed, impelled, obsessed, possessed, compulsive. There were a couple of synonyms that are more positive: ambitious and motivated.
But that's just me. You might feel that "driven" is an accurate descriptor.
OK, what’s the objection to it? This is a professionally written profile, by the way. We wanted to convey that I am a professional who more or less has my shit together (because that’s honestly what I’m looking for as well; someone who has their own career). I am definitely not looking for a sugar daddy or a replacement dad for my son. So what’s the issue?
It's right there in my post: "compel to act in a particular way, especially one that is considered undesirable or inappropriate." To some, myself included, driven can carry negative connotation. Note I say connotation, not denotation. Words carry meaning, and not always what we think they carry.
I think your opening joke is clever, but I’ll admit I was slow on the uptake and thought i was missing some sarcasm. That may just be due to my state of mind today, which is mushy.
Presuming the bio is even an issue... it is, of course, a piece of marketing material for yourself. So, in that light, word nuances matter. And more, how they are received, not how you intended them.
I’d suggest “passionate” instead of “driven”. It’s more positive and energetic; “driven” sounds obsessive.
I’d challenge you to think about what “open-minded” means to you. Because the rest of that sentence / paragraph sounds like you really mean “Your opinions must match mine”. Open-minded is a two-way street; an attitude and a philosophy. It means more about respecting other’s opinions, not parroting them - especially since you won’t always agree. I have a lot of friends with whom I disagree on social and political issues, but that doesn’t mean I can’t value them as a person or respect their opinion and have a rational, fact-based conversation on the topic, and maybe even change my mind. Even people very close to me don’t agree on all fronts.
On the “no Trump supporters”, that’s your prerogative, of course. But a lot of the anyone-but-Trump crowd come off as rather rabid, and you’re painting yourself with that image even if you’re just trying to weed out the fanboys. You may also be weeding out the left-of-center guys you’re hoping to find, plus there are more than a few “supporters” who don’t hail him as a hero, but consider him the “least bad” option at the time - you might find these guys pretty rational candidates, so maybe don’t be so eager to chase them off with a stick before you have a conversation.
Lastly, mentioning your son and kiddos in your bio implies “Beware: I’m a full-time mom to a grade school kid and dating will be a challenge”, which isn’t accurate. Your grown son may be awesome, but your dating bio isn’t the place to introduce him - it wouldn’t be a shocker to reveal during a face-to-face discussion, and isn’t likely to make anyone run away.
Overall, you have a choice - you can pre-filter in your bio and have a smaller pool to whittle down; or, if you’re finding that pool unsatisfactory, you might instead filter less in your bio and do more of it in person where you can apply some flexibility. The latter consumes more effort but improves the odds of finding that needle in the haystack.
Post by worksforme2 on Jun 25, 2020 7:26:11 GMT -5
I think DryCreek has dissected your profile wording and from my point of view he's spot on in how many males might view you. I also missed the opening joke, even after rereading several times, I have still missed it. 5 males have commented on the bio so far, 4 of them are negative and 1 is more or less neutral. That might say something about how males in general who read your bio may also view what you seem to be saying. Don't take it personal but this bio does not say to me "I am open minded, left of center and an ambitious woman". It's more along the lines of "I'm not really open to other opinions and am pretty rigid". The "No Trump" add just reinforces that. Generally speaking, I am a conservative. But I have a number of friends that could be described as liberal. I sometimes cringe at what Trump says in a short sound bite, but tend to agree when a longer, reasoned explanation of what he was trying to convey makes it way into the conversation. And I had the same reaction to the use of "driven" as csl. It really does come across as obsessive. I assume you have a definitive set of "must haves or must be's" when seeking a potential partner. If you think this bio is speaking to that candidate, then don't change a thing.
mypaintbrushes, the idea of getting the most polarizing thing out there is a great filter, if it really is an inflexible point. But beware of collateral damage: it will also filter out people who might agree with you but see you as having a demanding attitude or potentially obsessed with championing the cause.
Yes, finding sex is easy for attractive women. But the knuckle-draggers who only want a score aren’t the guys who dissect your bio anyway. So realize that refining your bio to filter harder will make the “good guys” self-reject a lot faster than the players; you’ll reduce your queue but not necessarily improve the quality, which is the problem you’re voicing.
Again, as a marketing piece I’m not saying ambition is bad, I’m sharing the mental image that keywords conjure. When you say you’re “driven” in your career, for me that paints a picture of someone who’s OCD and works early and late and weekends. Then, you have a child whose age I’ll assume to be younger, and I picture that you have little free time and I’d fall a distant 3rd in your interests; “Man Holding Flowers” in the credits, not a partner. Not interesting unless you’re proposing a sugar momma relationship.
I definitely agree with elynne that men over 40 will often be hesitant to commit and are also more likely to have issues. I also think, for us sexless survivors, the need for sex can easily overtake our thought process as we look for new mates and we sometimes end up rushing into sex. But, as you said in one of your replies here, mypaintbrushes , sex is the easy part! Sex is (over) abundant, especially in the online scene. I think it's Relationship (capital R) we are all really longing for. (So yes to what Elynne says - "When you find a good one, take it slow!")
I just read that we are sexually compatible with exponentially more people than we are relationally compatible with. In a nutshell, it's easy to find someone to have great sex with, but once the hot sex is over, what's left? That's the hard part. When we put sex first, it can also confuse the issue - we overlook red flags and get attached before there is a real relationship. When I was online dating, I had an older man tell me that men will usually not say no to sex, no matter how early it is offered. However, when they find later that they aren't really compatible with the woman, it gets awkward, and they will figure out a way to bail.
Another male friend of mine has told me that he doesn't every truly respect a woman who offers/allows sex early on and that women are the gatekeepers. Problem is, women don't keep the gate anymore. They open it early and often. This makes it very, very easy for men who don't want to commit - they can get sex with no strings from just about anyone anymore.
Don't be afraid to tell men what you're looking for - commitment, a best friend, a soul mate, whatever it may be, and then sit back and watch. Weed out the ones who can't commit.
I don't want to get to far off the topic of the original post, but wanted to comment on this.
I agree with elle post here! However I'd like to flip it around a bit and add to it. In my current relationship it started with a rush into sex overtaking the thought process. Put two people together who have experienced years of rejection, and a mutual agreement to sex can seem easy.
To put it bluntly, it was I, the man, who put the brakes on and slowed things down, making sure that there was going to also be a compatible relationship even if that meant slowing down all the hot sex.
Her gate is open early and often, however she wants it to be for ME ONLY. It's kind of a relief to not have to be "the instigator" and meanwhile I instigate many other aspects of our relationship. The trust, confidence, and verbal communication.
There has been a time when I came home and found a note and her gone . She was upset that I spend my time on my computer. You can guess that I spend my time on here, and reading about relationships and politics. ( not porn) More important was the fear and distrust that it instilled in how quickly she abandoned the trust and vulnerability that I gave of myself. After much communication, I basically let her know ( and she agreed, apologized, and regrets her way of handling it) that this is not the way to handle a problem! She will tell me about it openly FIRST! Then we can mutually agree to part ways, if needed.
We all have skeletons in our closet and fears to overcome, instilled in us from past relationships. The journey continues!
So, some of the comments on this thread seem to suggest to me that men equate sex with a relationship (such as when I’d mentioned having communication issues with my guy and @worksforme commented on how it must be difficult for women for find good dick) Is this true? If so, it explains a lot.
So I have to be very specific in that, when I say I want a relationship, I don’t mean a FWB.
Just me talking with precious little experience here but acrylic painting 10 hour date seems a pretty steep price to pay for a PUA. But maybe that's how it's done?
Seems to me it might make sense to keep dating and make this fella your favorite. (for now) We've been told you don't have problems with multiple partners, so... don't get sucked into disappointing monogamy again so easily. (Sexlessness is only one way to be disappointing. You need not think other kinds must be tolerated. But don't be mad. Just look after your needs. If this fella is there for you, great. If not, we're back to the old trying to change somebody problem, right?
Well, here’s the dating profile. Has several head and shoulder shots of me, in professional dress...
“What if it turned out match.com was a dating site for pyromaniacs?
If you made it this far into my profile, I take it that means my photos passed the test. Would you be reading this otherwise? Without further ado, here I am in a virtual nutshell:
I am a driven, responsible [what I do for a living] divorced with one son. I am looking for a long-term relationship that starts with a solid foundation of friendship.
In the context of a loving relationship, I know how to be vulnerable and “go all in”. I love trying new things and getting out of the house, but appreciate a quiet night in with my guy. I am giving and love physical affection.
If you’re an open-minded, caring, liberal-leaning man who takes care of himself and doesn’t mind (OK…loves) cats and kiddos, we should meet (and maybe get off these apps once and for all!) Sorry, but Trump supporters, arrogant men and smokers need not apply.
OK, enough about me already. Tell me about yourself…”
The winky after saying the photos passed their test is mildly suggestive. Some men take "mildly suggestive" as "casual". You rectify that with the getting off these apps line, but is any blood going to their brain after they get focused on goal #1?
FWIW, I read "driven" as being a professional thing, but perhaps clarification or a synonym would defuse the possibility of csl 's conclusion. "Passionate" invites misinterpretation into physical relationship territory again and you seem interested in toning that part down.
DryCreek 's suggestion of mentioning your son on the date makes sense. It proves you're able to date regardless. Assuming you didn't have to schedule the date "three weeks from Friday". He strikes me as having some good advice in terms of what guys "reading between the lines" might think. Spooky good job, dude.
The "In the context of a loving relationship, I know how to be vulnerable and “go all in”. would scare me off. I'd expect someone looking to commit fast and I'd hate to disappoint someone so invested in permanence. This LTR sounds like marriage and only marriage would be satisfactory. Perhaps that's a good turn of phrase if that's the message you need to send (and truly maybe it is, given your disappointment with your jogger artist friend that loads the dishwasher.)
The liberal part? I am liberal, but I gotta be honest: if you want marriage minded folk, the righties have a serious edge on us. (our open-mindedness means society's expectations of us carry less weight and I see that as an intractable strength of our side most of the time) If a new guy can handle a Carville/Matalin marriage, maybe you could too? If you're both civil about it, and it's your thing, political discussions can be an invigorating way to spend an evening. Or maybe he's willing to accept that politics is a place the two of you don't go.
My brother in law is a Trump supporter. My sister in law is a dog rescue passionate liberal who complains to my wife about it via text. Married since high school and there seems zero chance of them breaking up. Different thing if they met after 40, I admit. Just sayin'.... the other side has the deep commitment types down a little more solid.
I'd be wondering whether you'd like to suggest social distance jogging and acrylic paint. There might be fellas who've not thought of such responsible dates and you'd start on good footing sharing an interest. The date doesn't work? Hey, you still have an art project nudged forward. Can't say that for coffee or cocktails. Come to think of it, a conservative guy who's into acrylic painting? That seems like a guy you could turn to "the dark side."
Post by mypaintbrushes on Jul 11, 2020 17:06:02 GMT -5
Well, we figured it out! He had something he had to take care of that was taking the bulk of his attention. Also, both divorces are finally final (I know this is surprising for many, but California divorces can take forever). So we’re back... he used the word “boyfriend” the other night and we have tentative plans for a night of camping next weekend.
I *would* date a Republican, but not somebody who embraces beliefs I view as widely harmful. I’m firm on this; furthermore, I’d never advise anyone to bend their core beliefs in order to get laid. Luckily, there is variety in the world and we are all entitled to our opinions.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5
grower: Embrace a change, you will wonder why you waited so long
Jul 9, 2020 11:22:56 GMT -5
grower: Your life clock is ticking away, don't waste all your time. Live some.
Jul 24, 2020 9:53:20 GMT -5
fred: blue guy, i was where you are 30 years ago. stayed.................nothing changed. if i didn't love this nice lady so much i'd be in deep regret. if she doesn't think of you in a hundred "other" ways (as does my wife) GET OUT ! Life is short
Aug 10, 2020 17:43:15 GMT -5
jerri: Yuk on the plucking chicken feathers. If a chicken doesn't get sex and intimacy she just finds a beautiful cock sooner or later. I'd say there's a much higher "philandering" rate than anyone would care to admit. The rooster who is tormented findsa chicken!
Sept 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -5
csl: And yet, there is an entire segment of ILIASM stayers.
Sept 10, 2020 22:04:05 GMT -5
jerri: Exactly I have read multiple threads. I was very impressed with all the different solutions everyone has found. Intellectual group and the camaraderie is nice
Sept 11, 2020 9:44:57 GMT -5
Handy: What happened to being light outside until 9:30 PM? It is 7:30 PM and dark now.
Sept 20, 2020 20:46:01 GMT -5
jerri: It's not hot there? I am getting a slight break from the heat! Cheer up buddy!
Sept 21, 2020 0:27:37 GMT -5
petrushka: Well WE are getting closer to summer. Just passed Equinox. I expect the solar panels will start paying for themselves again in the near future. (over the last few months they have merely mitigated the power bills).
Sept 21, 2020 21:00:36 GMT -5