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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 21, 2019 0:05:49 GMT -5
I am entering the post SM camp.
I’ve been in therapy and have come to the realization that I need to get out. I simply cannot face the last years of my life like this.
Once I made that decision, the unexpected has happened. I’ve met someone special. He has asked me to marry him. I accepted. He has started the process of divorcing. I will after the first of the year.
I have not told my husband.
I am working on a walkout letter. Because my husband is very controlling, my therapist recommends that I leave first. File for the divorce and refuse direct communication.
I applied for a job at Costco and am making myself a pest calling and visiting everyday trying to speak with the person who does the hiring.
I bought a car and it is in my name.
I checked my credit score and it is excellent.
I will be meeting with an attorney as soon as I find one.
I am gathering financial records.
We have rented a storage space and are moving personal items.
I’ll take the cats. He can have the stupid blind dog that pees everywhere.
A friend has offered her guest house for me to stay in if I have to leave suddenly.
I know I am going to walk through hell and nothing is going to be easy.
I know my daughter will probably never speak to me again. But, she doesn’t have much to say to me anyway. She thinks I’m an idiot.
I know that everyone will feel blindsided when I walk out.
I am looking around at everything I will leave behind. At this moment I am ok with that.
In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 21, 2019 2:05:22 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, only you can truly know what’s best for you. Regardless of what others may think, they’re not living your life - you’ve reached your decision after a long road, and you seem to be taking all the right steps to make an informed and well-planned decision. Congratulations on getting out of limbo, and it sounds like you have an exciting outlook! Being presumptuous, but... is this the fellow who’s wife recently discovered his affair? What was the thing that pushed him to decision?
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Post by baza on Oct 21, 2019 5:40:13 GMT -5
I like the groundwork you have done here Sister Rhapsodee . Reckon it may be worth your while to prioritise that 'seeing a lawyer' matter to the head of the queue. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 21, 2019 8:22:37 GMT -5
I like just about everything Rhapsodee except the timing on this. I guess knowing my own history, following my separation, of being smitten by any woman who seemed to enjoy being with me, I am concerned that the courtship was pretty quick. I know how anxious I was to grab at what I thought was potential happiness. Of coarse I don't know the exact timeline on your relationship with this man. I just hope the quick proposal and your acceptance isn't a rebound response for either of you. I would hate to see that sort of scenario for you. I really wish you the best on this.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 21, 2019 9:58:59 GMT -5
DryCreek, this is a different man. We met on AM. I almost ignored him. Something about him caught my attention. I liked his profile photo. I liked what he had to say. He was out of town for his fathers funeral and it was two weeks of the most engaging conversations I have ever experienced. He is completely down to earth, as he should be because he grew up on a farm in Kansas! He came back to town and we set up a meeting. I couldn’t stop smiling. He was the same. We talked and talked. Then I kissed him. Or maybe he kissed me. All I know is I enjoy every minute I’m with him. I keep watching for the red flag warnings that he is a controller. So far so good I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m doing all I can to live independently.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 21, 2019 11:10:20 GMT -5
I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m doing all I can to live independently. By agreeing to marry a guy before you have even told your husband of your intent to divorce? You aren't accountable to me or anyone else here, but it's not intuitive to me how doing all you can to live independently (if that's your goal) matches to this action. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 21, 2019 11:50:13 GMT -5
Apocrypha, I have been outsourcing for about 5 years. This isn’t my first rodeo, but it is the first time I am truly in love. I was not looking for love or a rescuer. I just wanted something to look forward to - a light in my bleak life. What is wrong with accepting a marriage proposal from someone you have fallen in love with when you are in a sexless non-marriage? How long do you need to know someone before you are sure you are in love? By the time it is all set and done, we will have walked through fire. If he still loves me and I still love him it will be a happy and content marriage. But....... I can’t be seen as leaving my husband for another man. I need to have a job and a place to live before I leave. I need to establish my independence.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 21, 2019 13:40:21 GMT -5
But....... I can’t be seen as leaving my husband for another man. I need to have a job and a place to live before I leave. I need to establish my independence. I sympathize with the appearances. More importantly, it sounds like the decision to leave (and your independence) stands on its own, regardless of where this relationship leads. It’ll make the relationship that much stronger and support a healthier dynamic. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 21, 2019 14:10:18 GMT -5
Apocrypha , I have been outsourcing for about 5 years. This isn’t my first rodeo, but it is the first time I am truly in love. I was not looking for love or a rescuer. I just wanted something to look forward to - a light in my bleak life. What is wrong with accepting a marriage proposal from someone you have fallen in love with when you are in a sexless non-marriage? How long do you need to know someone before you are sure you are in love? By the time it is all set and done, we will have walked through fire. If he still loves me and I still love him it will be a happy and content marriage. But....... I can’t be seen as leaving my husband for another man. I need to have a job and a place to live before I leave. I need to establish my independence. Whether you are in love or not or whether there is anything "wrong" with saying "yes" to a marriage proposal isn't really in question here. What surprised me was how "I need to establish my independence" correlates with flipping from one marriage to another. I'm not saying it's the wrong thing. Life is short and if you love someone - that's fantastic. I guess I'm wondering, how do you define independence? It sounds like you have a start at it with establishing yourself with practical foundations - being able to make your own money, credit etc. That's great. Have you ever considered romantic independence though? Again, nothing necessarily "wrong" with your choices - I'm not criticizing them (and what do I know?). I am observing your own stated goal to establish independence, and how that aligns with flipping from one integrated household to another, long term romantic relationship. I guess I'm pointing out that if your goal is independence, - seeing what your relationship to your lover is when outside of the context of an affair or open relationship - or what you are like outside the context of an involved relationship, that doesn't strike me as aligned with the goal you articulated. It doesn't mean it's wrong, or a bad choice. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 21, 2019 16:24:52 GMT -5
Apocrypha, maybe “independence” is the wrong word. I want to be a partner who contributes equally to the relationship. In order to be a good partner, a person needs to be able to be able to take care of themself. I don’t want to be dominated.
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Post by warmways on Oct 21, 2019 16:25:21 GMT -5
Good for you!! You have a well thought out plan and a determined attitude which will keep you focused on your new and happier path!
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Post by sadkat on Oct 21, 2019 17:22:09 GMT -5
Speaking from my recent experience of entering the post sm camp- I offer my congratulations and a warning. It is so much easier “in your head” than IRL. Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions. I can tell you with confidence that having someone special in your life will make absolutely no difference at all. My advice is to continue seeing your therapist to work out those emotions as they hit you. You are doing the right thing in leaving- even through all of the emotions I experienced, I knew I was making the right decision (well, I seriously questioned myself once). Keep your focus on the goal!
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 21, 2019 20:06:39 GMT -5
sadkat, this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 21, 2019 20:45:06 GMT -5
Wow Rhapsodee what an update. Keep us informed on how things going.
I'm still working on my exit plan which includes trying to repair financial problems so I can start over again and not be broke and homeless. And I'm 60 next week so I know exactly how you feel. But like yourself, I can't live like this the rest of my life. At least if I leave, I have HOPE, which I don't have staying in this SM.
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Post by obobfla on Oct 21, 2019 21:56:22 GMT -5
sadkat , this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell. Ím happy for you and a little envious. You know who you’re leaving, and you know the man you are marrying. Being almost the same age as you and having gone through the death of a spouse, marriage is not necessarily a bad idea. Hope it all works. My only advice? If you get that job at Costco, get comfortable shoes. |
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