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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 12:39:38 GMT -5
sadkat , this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell. Your future isn't a choice between love and loneliness it's a choice between control and independence. Is the independence worth the trade-offs? |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 23, 2019 20:06:55 GMT -5
I always advise anyone to replace some other life activity in place of sex to see how unreasonable that sounds. Why is sex treated so oddly, like something only for 18-25 year olds. Let's try kayaking instead of sex. "Isn't it weird to be "kayaking" at our age?" "My wife and I used to really enjoy "kayaking" but she decided she never wanted to "kayak" with me ever again." "Oh, my God! You are far too old to "kayak" let alone want to "kayak" once a month!" I will say that doing MMA was easier when I was younger. At least bouncing back from injury 🤣 |
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Post by elynne on Oct 27, 2019 11:41:27 GMT -5
I am entering the post SM camp. I’ve been in therapy and have come to the realization that I need to get out. I simply cannot face the last years of my life like this. Once I made that decision, the unexpected has happened. I’ve met someone special. He has asked me to marry him. I accepted. He has started the process of divorcing. I will after the first of the year. I have not told my husband. I am working on a walkout letter. Because my husband is very controlling, my therapist recommends that I leave first. File for the divorce and refuse direct communication. I applied for a job at Costco and am making myself a pest calling and visiting everyday trying to speak with the person who does the hiring. I bought a car and it is in my name. I checked my credit score and it is excellent. I will be meeting with an attorney as soon as I find one. I am gathering financial records. We have rented a storage space and are moving personal items. I’ll take the cats. He can have the stupid blind dog that pees everywhere. A friend has offered her guest house for me to stay in if I have to leave suddenly. I know I am going to walk through hell and nothing is going to be easy. I know my daughter will probably never speak to me again. But, she doesn’t have much to say to me anyway. She thinks I’m an idiot. I know that everyone will feel blindsided when I walk out. I am looking around at everything I will leave behind. At this moment I am ok with that. In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take. I recently left a very controlling husband. I know exactly how difficult that choice is to make. I know how terrifying things can seem. Take your time. Prepare well. Have a back up plan. A go bag (spare car keys, change of clothes, medicine, glasses...) isn’t a bad idea in case the shit hits the fan and you need to leave in a hurry. A good therapist is a godsend. A support network of supportive friends is very helpful. If you have any specific questions feel free to send me a private message. I know how much courage this takes - how overwhelming it can feel at moments- and I also know how much better life is on the other side. The difference is extreme. Be prepared to have your mind blown. You’ve learned to expect too little. And just a little side note: read up on red flags of narcissists. Your new love may well be sincere - but asking you to marry before either of you is divorced is rushed. Sometimes people who rush things want to make certain you’re ‘stuck’ before you discover the ‘real’ them. If you’ve managed to leave one difficult and controlling partner you don’t want to find yourself in a similar situation in the future. Be wise. Be cautious with your heart and if it’s right for both of you, slowing it down won’t put it at risk. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 29, 2019 17:29:13 GMT -5
I am getting the names of attorneys to contact. I have my third interview with Costco tonite. I am also signing up for real estate school.
Things are so confusing right now.
It’s crazy but my husband is being generous and “distantly” affectionate with me. Meaning he doesn’t hug or hold me but he will give me a quick kiss and touch me briefly. He grants me much freedom to go and do I want. I dance Monday, Wednesday, Friday and sometimes Saturday night. I go hiking all day Saturday. I have been clearing out my extraneous stuff and putting things in storage. He hasn’t asked about the missing items. I am out of the house nearly every day with no explanation. He doesn’t ask what I’ve been doing or where I’ve been. I feel as if I’m in an alternate reality. I keep looking into him trying to figure out what is going on. It is frightening. I fear I am being lured into something. I don’t trust this.
Or maybe he simply feels me slipping away and is trying to reclaim me and keep me by giving me freedom.
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2019 19:30:16 GMT -5
I'm reading a sense of unease in your post Sister Rhapsodee . Any signs (that you are aware of) of moneys being transferred around, or indications that he's been in contact with a lawyer or anything else suss ? It is possible that your spouse is way more aware of what's going on than you give him credit for, and that could spell trouble when you get around to lowering the boom on him. I think that legal consultation needs to go to your absolute top of priorities. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 29, 2019 22:13:19 GMT -5
Is the man who asked you to marry him the same man whose wife went ballistic over the summer when she learned of his affair with you? If so, he could be offering marriage to you because he’s a dependent person afraid of living alone. He also could be facing destitution due to his divorce and views you as a means of economic security,
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 30, 2019 5:51:28 GMT -5
Is the man who asked you to marry him the same man whose wife went ballistic over the summer when she learned of his affair with you? If so, he could be offering marriage to you because he’s a dependent person afraid of living alone. He also could be facing destitution due to his divorce and views you as a means of economic security, No. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 30, 2019 7:18:09 GMT -5
I'm reading a sense of unease in your post Sister Rhapsodee . Any signs (that you are aware of) of moneys being transferred around, or indications that he's been in contact with a lawyer or anything else suss ? It is possible that your spouse is way more aware of what's going on than you give him credit for, and that could spell trouble when you get around to lowering the boom on him. I think that legal consultation needs to go to your absolute top of priorities. I would agree with baza that if your radar is signaling that perhaps something isn't quite right then an increased sense of vigilance on your part is warranted. When my 1st W moved out it was easy for me to have a friend follow her to her new place and observe her new live in boyfriend arrangement. Later it was easy to go through the old bills and see where she had been spending weekends out of state while my mom or sister kept the children. I think I would pay pretty close attention to the checkbook and any investments. Probably nothing but I would recommend an old axiom, "well prepared is well armed". |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 30, 2019 8:04:07 GMT -5
solodriver I'm " only 54" lol but yes sex is great he's 58 I'm sure he would agree whole heartedly! Rhapsodee congratulations I'm so happy for you! Sure getting out will be hard. I agree with the move out then tell him. My plan was similar but I couldn't control my mouth. But my bf did it that way. Starting a relationship before you leave ( which I did too) takes a lot of pretending at first so everyone doesn't know it happened that way. But we are doing good . It's so worth it and you won't regret leaving.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 31, 2019 14:51:55 GMT -5
Is the man who asked you to marry him the same man whose wife went ballistic over the summer when she learned of his affair with you? If so, he could be offering marriage to you because he’s a dependent person afraid of living alone. There are several live threads open on this very forum in which people are saying they would only leave their spouses if they had someone else to go to. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 31, 2019 15:50:20 GMT -5
Apocrypha
There are several live threads open on this very forum in which people are saying they would only leave their spouses if they had someone else to go to.I notice more men say they want a landing place (potential LT partner) and more women say they want independence if and when they separate. Some women say no more men! Then a few women meet Mr. Perfect/unicorn and are instantly in LUV. I wonder what some of the differences are gender wise. For myself, I could do well on my own. I suspect I would still have to help my W after a divorce. I also feel a compatible partner would be difficult to encounter for me, so having prospects per-divorce would involve one less thing to work on.
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Post by flashjohn on Nov 12, 2019 12:18:27 GMT -5
I really do wish you all the happiness in the world.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 12, 2019 12:24:46 GMT -5
Apocrypha
There are several live threads open on this very forum in which people are saying they would only leave their spouses if they had someone else to go to.I notice more men say they want a landing place (potential LT partner) and more women say they want independence if and when they separate. Some women say no more men! Then a few women meet Mr. Perfect/unicorn and are instantly in LUV. I wonder what some of the differences are gender wise. For myself, I could do well on my own. I suspect I would still have to help my W after a divorce. I also feel a compatible partner would be difficult to encounter for me, so having prospects per-divorce would involve one less thing to work on. I had someone before I left for 6 years but I was leaving anyway. And I honestly didn't know if we would end up together. At the time I left he had no definite plans to leave her. I would be fine on my own still better than dealing with him. But I hoped eventually to be in a relationship. I like affection and sex and taking care of and someone and being taken care of. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 20, 2019 9:43:16 GMT -5
I notice more men say they want a landing place (potential LT partner) and more women say they want independence if and when they separate. Some women say no more men! It is fascinating to me, how many women in the singles world put front and center in their dating profiles the extent to which they hold men in contempt. I'm not sure if it is just clumsy phrasing and their intent is to indicate a preference for independence, but I've learned over time that it is often unwise to second guess a person's admission early in a relationship for their benefit. People often tell you their faults when little is invested. |
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Post by lapseofjudgement on Nov 21, 2019 19:32:43 GMT -5
I'll endorse sex after 55. I recently had some at 59 with someone other than my H and it was terrific.
I would never say this to my husband because I wouldn't want to hurt him, but the problems I was having with him-which I though were due to menopausal vaginal changes-seemed to disappear with a partner with whom I am sexually compatible.
I suspect we are too often blaming plain old menopause for too many sexual problems. Rather, I suspect the blame often lies with relationships that have gone cold emotionally, intellectually, or simply never were that great.
When you're young, it doesn't matter as much. When you're older, it's harder to get juiced up unless you really feel turned on. That's my amateur theory based on anecdotal evidence with a study having n=1. See, I wonder a little if my wife couldn't find her wild oats if she had a new fella. I couldn't be upset. No one should live like she does. But she'd never dream of trying it if I don't go first. Maybe not then either, or maybe only after she divorces me because she's too conventional. |
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