sadkat , this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell.
To the point - "Will I regret this decision?" -
Over the years (on EP and here) various polls have appeared posing the question for those members who have made the choice to get out and who have been out at least a year. The polls just asking one question. Are you happier out of your ILIASM shithole than you were in it ?
And the results keep coming in, overwhelmingly, "yes".
However, in the short term, whilst embroiled in the dissolution of your deal, you are just about guaranteed to be highly unhappy at times during that painful period.
Long term, I predict that you won't regret this choice Sister Rhapsodee . But short term there'll be moments when you will.
I'll endorse sex after 55. I recently had some at 59 with someone other than my H and it was terrific.
I would never say this to my husband because I wouldn't want to hurt him, but the problems I was having with him-which I though were due to menopausal vaginal changes-seemed to disappear with a partner with whom I am sexually compatible.
I suspect we are too often blaming plain old menopause for too many sexual problems. Rather, I suspect the blame often lies with relationships that have gone cold emotionally, intellectually, or simply never were that great.
When you're young, it doesn't matter as much. When you're older, it's harder to get juiced up unless you really feel turned on. That's my amateur theory based on anecdotal evidence with a study having n=1.
Please forgive any typos or poor sentence structure. As I often say, you can have it perfect or you can have it now. Here, I choose now.
Post by northstarmom on Oct 22, 2019 3:29:44 GMT -5
Rhapsodee said “What is wrong with accepting a marriage proposal from someone you have fallen in love with when you are in a sexless non-marriage? How long do you need to know someone before you are sure you are in love? By the time it is all set and done, we will have walked through fire. If he still loves me and I still love him it will be a happy and content marriage.”
Your decision to divorce your controlling husband sounds like a good one and I applaud you for having the courage to do it and for doing it with the guidance of your therapist.
Have you talked to your therapist about your engagement to your lover? If so, what does your therapist say?
I truly wish you well both with your divorce and your new relationship. Still, these are some things that concern me about your marital plans:
1. The fact that you met on AM. Presumably he is married, too. Why was he seeking an affair? If he isn’t married, why was he seeking to have sex with married woman?
2. You two may have had an instant connection and he may make you smile a lot but how well do you know him? You’ve only been seeing each other a few months, and those have occurred under affair conditions. You likely see him only at his best. You probably haven’t seen him when he is sick, is in a bad mood. You likely don’t know his friends (one learns a lot about people from seeing and knowing the kind of people they choose as friends and how they treat their friends), how he handles money (very important when it comes to marrying , someone), how responsible he is and how honest he is.
You both also are in the stage of love and sex where there is a rosy glow about everything regarding one’s new partner. Deciding on something major like marriage may be best delayed until one starts seeing one’s partner’s inevitable warts and then figuring out whether these are things you can live with.
What’s the hurry to even get engaged? Just because you both are in love doesn’t mean it’s time to plan to marry especially when you don’t know each other that well since you are having to squeeze this relationship in while at least one of you is still married and living with your spouse.
Most importantly, back to my original question . What does your therapist say about the relationship? I don’t know you but presumably your therapist does know you.
Post by ironhamster on Oct 22, 2019 3:38:41 GMT -5
I'm only fifty-two, but I am much more capable than I ever was as a young man. I don't know what the future holds, but there are a lot of options for me to keep or improve my mojo through modern chemistry. And, I am still learning.
Wine and whiskey aren't the only things that get better with age.
rhapsodee, I sympathize with your situation, and think you are, mostly, making the right decisions. Congratulations on getting out, and my best wishes for your future happiness.
Now, get that lawyer. Know where you stand, legally.
sadkat, this will be my second divorce. My first was traumatic. I was running away from domestic violence. I remember the confusion and pain and the fear. I was young though. I had my entire life ahead of me. Now I’m approaching 60. The future looks dismal. Do I really want to spend my remaining days with a control freak? I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will it be love or loneliness? Will I regret this decision? Only time will tell.
I agree with you- NO- you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with anyone who makes you unhappy. I believe you are doing the right thing and agree with baza that you will be happy in the long run. I’m coming from that in-between phase- I’m still hurting over the breakup, I’m still wondering where my life will lead me. I’m not wavering from my decision but I can’t say I’m ecstatic at this point, either. That’s what I am trying to share with you- no other person can help you through this (although having good friends to support you and carry you through those hard emotional roller coaster times is invaluable). Take this time to learn more about yourself- what’s truly important? How can you get to where you want to be? How can you stand alone and be strong while at the same time enjoying what your lover gives you? Being financially independent is a great goal but I’ve also come to realize that, for me, I need to be emotionally independent as well. I no longer want to count on a lover as the major source of my happiness. I want to be confident that- regardless of whether or not there is hope for me with a long term partner, I’ll be ok. I believe my primary focus today must be on me and I’ll freely admit that it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I've seen a couple responses about getting a lawyer but no response so far. If your STBX is controlling, this should be your first, second, and third task.
As for the rest, I totally and completely dig the horryfing thought of "I can't grow old with this person". It was one (of many) of the reasons I left.
However, if I'm counting correctly, this will be husband number three. Unfortunately, martial success tends to decrease rather than increase with each try.
Perhaps a time of being truly independent before jumping into another marriage would allow you to get to know YOU before tying the knot again.
A time of independence also addresses your concern regarding the appearance of leaving for another man. However, if you are actually leaving for another man, own it. You won't be able to paper over it by living on your own for a brief period of time. It's hard to mask your distaste for your husband and conceal your glow with the new guy. You're probably not succeeding.
I'm also not sure about the rush to the altar with your AP. If what you have with this new man is lasting love, what is the importance of a piece of paper from the state?
Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2019 8:48:52 GMT -5
I echo what people say about getting a lawyer. A lawyer also could advise whether it’s wise to be attempting to get a job now.
If a lawyer advised it is wise to line up a job ASAP, instead of “pestering” Cosco about your application, it could be a good idea to apply to multiple other stores. As the busy holiday season approaches, lots of stores will be hiring.
Post by tooyoungtobeold on Oct 23, 2019 12:33:36 GMT -5
I always advise anyone to replace some other life activity in place of sex to see how unreasonable that sounds. Why is sex treated so oddly, like something only for 18-25 year olds. Let's try kayaking instead of sex.
"Isn't it weird to be "kayaking" at our age?"
"My wife and I used to really enjoy "kayaking" but she decided she never wanted to "kayak" with me ever again."
"Oh, my God! You are far too old to "kayak" let alone want to "kayak" once a month!"
All I know is I enjoy every minute I’m with him. I keep watching for the red flag warnings that he is a controller. So far so good
I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. I’m doing all I can to live independently.
Fair enough - for him. But what about you?
It's not just about red flags either - it's about what you bring to the relationship as a unique person. Your interests, stories, habits, ambitions, lifestyle - irrespective of your prospective partners' needs and attributes. It's often a main reason why marriages flop (or a symptom), in that partners become so melded that they cease to be unique individuals and to bring their own perspective.
Frequently, people tend to have patterns or tend to overreact to maladaptive patterns and end up replicating the conditions that led to the demise of the relationship, or overcorrecting and introducing new problems - because they don't get a good baseline on their own emotional independence - who they are irrespective of a partner.
I'll give you a few real life examples of what that looks like:
a) My present partner's (former) marriage story, began with her being raised in a household with an alcoholic mother. She sought a husband - an ambitious firefighter who had his shit together and could provide stability. Without realizing it at the time, she selected a guy with a maladaptive (to marriage) need to be in command and control, which was not compatible with her own ambitions, and which grew into mutual contempt.
b) Similarly, I've met a few women who had become turned off by the amount of unwanted attention from men they received in their teens and twenties, and ended up marrying the first guy they met who "didn't pursue them for sex". Later on, in the terminal stages of a sexless marriage, they realized they had misread their partners' lack of sexual expression as equating to a more mature love. It didn't. It just meant a lack of interest in sex with them, and the marriage was a dud from the get go.
I presume you are in a sexless marriage with a person who has made himself unavailable to you, for a person who is available to you - but under the conditions of an affair. Consider: What is the circumstance of HIS choosing a married partner, and why?
Where affairs overlap with open relationships/swinging/polyamory - is that there is a baked in structural limit to the level of investment and expectation from the other partner. Affairs work best when not much is expected. Take the relationship out of the pressurized constraints of affair and put it in a normal, free-range, unlimited context - and things can change quite a bit. It's a new kind of relationship then, and perhaps helpful to get a baseline on whether it has legs on its own, before diving from one unhappy marriage into another marriage.
Consider the following premise that's proven in nearly every story on ILIASM: Not everyone who loves each other should be married.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5