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Post by northstarmom on Sept 7, 2019 6:34:47 GMT -5
Life has no guarantees. Stay unless you believe you’d be happier alone than with your refuser. Still, it’s wise to also live your life in a way that would allow you to take care of yourself and have some kind of social life should you outlive your refuser.
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Post by notdeadyet on Sept 8, 2019 14:51:47 GMT -5
I suspect that for very many of us, (and perhaps the majority of those here,being the clearly introspective bunch we are) It is the simple concept of "duty" that keeps us in the stew. Also look up the Japanese term "giri" for insight.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2019 11:35:34 GMT -5
Life has no guarantees. Stay unless you believe you’d be happier alone than with your refuser. Still, it’s wise to also live your life in a way that would allow you to take care of yourself and have some kind of social life should you outlive your refuser. did you find that there was a moment when the "happier alone" entered your life. I had an odd epiphany second this morning, where I simply didn't just think it but felt it. "Alone would be better". Unfortunately we're building a house so maybe a plan is gelling in my mind. Finish the house...then go. First time I've ever felt that way but we're under a lot of stress. Maybe that's the right mix of emotions for realizing that we're about done. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 9, 2019 13:44:13 GMT -5
“
northstarmom did you find that there was a moment when the "happier alone" entered your life. I had an odd epiphany second this morning, where I simply didn't just think it but felt it. "Alone would be better".
Unfortunately we're building a house so maybe a plan is gelling in my mind. Finish the house...then go. First time I've ever felt that way but we're under a lot of stress. Maybe that's the right mix of emotions for realizing that we're about done.”
Yes, after I’d spent several years developing friendships and interests separate from my husband I realized I did not want to be around him at all, I didn’t want him to accompany me to my activities. I didn’t want to engage in conversation with him. I dreaded the sound of his car pulling into our driveway. I was bored with his conversation and didn’t want to share my interests and thoughts with him.
I realized I’d be happier living alone in a studio apartment than remaining with him in my dream house. At that point I decided to divorce him. I did and have never regretted doing so.
When I decided to divorce I had no one waiting in the wings for me. While I did end up finding a partner whom I have no been happily with 6 years I had decided to divorce because I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than being alone in a miserable marriage.
Your building a house with your ex doesn’t mean you can’t divorce him. But if one is not ready to divorce, any excuse will do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2019 17:29:46 GMT -5
I would feel like too big of a heel if the house wasn't finished. I did the plans myself, am the General Contractor, etc. so this is a self-build. You're right, any old excuse will do but I'm not comfortable with it during a difficult relocation/transition and being functionally homeless.
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Post by theexplorer on Dec 2, 2019 16:06:13 GMT -5
Tooyoungtobeold, Many marriages end during or just after building a new home. Building a home often places a great deal of strain on a relationship.
My wife and I need to find a new home. I would love to design and build our new home, but am not going to risk it. Why build a great house only to lose it if the marriage ends?
As to why I stay...
1. I don't want to renege on the commitment to the marriage. 2. Life time alimony.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 2, 2019 19:56:45 GMT -5
Loss of property. Living on my own sounded so much scarier than it really has been. Fear of being lonely, though, not finding someone who gets my humor.
Shared humor and shared property = core.
I'm glad I didn't let that stop me from leaving.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Dec 2, 2019 23:13:25 GMT -5
I really do love my husband and I believe he loves me. We are good together in so many ways and we’ve built a good life together, including a blended family. There is too much that is good to walk away.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 11, 2019 11:12:52 GMT -5
I'm out now but the reason I stayed for so long was fear of change. Fear of how he would handle it. Fear of what my familiy life would be like after.
And the fear of being on own at my age in a different state than my family. Never having loved alone.
It was hard but it all worked out
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Post by carl on Jan 8, 2020 17:34:18 GMT -5
I want to live in a family. I Would find a second marriage confusing and would have no idea how to approach that. I don’t know anyone that would have me anyway.
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grower
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Post by grower on Jan 9, 2020 9:43:11 GMT -5
Going to be working on that big D this year. Just wasn't in the master plan,
but after 15 SM years with a miserable W who blames everybody and thing for
her many issues, it is time to throw in the towel and move on. As a child of
divorce I was the last thing I wanted for my son, but at 16 I pretty sure he
is in my corner and I am sure I will end up with 90% of the responsibilities,
and end up with him most of the time although thing are suppose to be 50/50.
Is not that way now and no reason to expect any change. Currently hoping for
an uncontested D, so I will be kissing ass til it's a done deal. I went in
with a sincere desire to keep my vows, but I am trying to get past that and
hope that at 59 almost 60 that I can start a new chapter in this adventure.
Maybe love and sex will be part of it, and not with just with old Rosie Palm.
How do you get past the rejection, anger and resentment. Happy New Life
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Post by sadkat on Jan 9, 2020 12:25:47 GMT -5
Going to be working on that big D this year. Just wasn't in the master plan, but after 15 SM years with a miserable W who blames everybody and thing for her many issues, it is time to throw in the towel and move on. As a child of divorce I was the last thing I wanted for my son, but at 16 I pretty sure he is in my corner and I am sure I will end up with 90% of the responsibilities, and end up with him most of the time although thing are suppose to be 50/50. Is not that way now and no reason to expect any change. Currently hoping for an uncontested D, so I will be kissing ass til it's a done deal. I went in with a sincere desire to keep my vows, but I am trying to get past that and hope that at 59 almost 60 that I can start a new chapter in this adventure. Maybe love and sex will be part of it, and not with just with old Rosie Palm. How do you get past the rejection, anger and resentment. Happy New Life Good Luck as you take this journey. It’s not an easy one. Even so, I don’t regret my decision to move on. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2020 12:30:47 GMT -5
Loss of property. Living on my own sounded so much scarier than it really has been. Fear of being lonely, though, not finding someone who gets my humor. Shared humor and shared property = core. I'm glad I didn't let that stop me from leaving. Humor would be amazing! All of life is a lesson in irony, if you can't laugh at it then you don't get it. |
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Post by saarinista on Jan 10, 2020 1:31:50 GMT -5
I want to live in a family. I Would find a second marriage confusing and would have no idea how to approach that. I don’t know anyone that would have me anyway. Stop saying that. I'm sure you're perfectly loveable. It's the sexless marriage talking. They do a number on our self esteem. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 10, 2020 22:08:22 GMT -5
Carl said: “ I want to live in a family. I Would find a second marriage confusing and would have no idea how to approach that. I don’t know anyone that would have me anyway.”
Henry Ford said: “There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who say, ‘I can,’ and those who say, ‘I can’t.’ They’re both right.”
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