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Post by carl on Jan 13, 2020 19:19:26 GMT -5
Carl said: “ I want to live in a family. I Would find a second marriage confusing and would have no idea how to approach that. I don’t know anyone that would have me anyway.” Henry Ford said: “There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who say, ‘I can,’ and those who say, ‘I can’t.’ They’re both right.” What about those who say they don’t know if they can or can’t ? It would make sense on that basis then to Say I can. |
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Post by saarinista on Jan 13, 2020 19:30:24 GMT -5
Carl said: “ I want to live in a family. I Would find a second marriage confusing and would have no idea how to approach that. I don’t know anyone that would have me anyway.” Henry Ford said: “There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who say, ‘I can,’ and those who say, ‘I can’t.’ They’re both right.” What about those who say they don’t know if they can or can’t ? It would make sense on that basis then to Say I can S Exactly. That's the point. Think positive and good things will likely follow. If you say "I can't" then it too will become a self fulfilling prophecy. Sot if you say you can, odds are you will succeed. You're relatively young, and in general, I think there are more men who wish to marry or commit than there are women, though that may just be my personal observation but I've seen quite a bit. Of course you don't know a potential partner now, though. You're not even divorced yet, right? You have to look to find. So no need to worry yet. I know that's all easier said than felt, but I think that you are bit fearful (normal) and may well feel more confident as you work though your self examination. If you decide to leave your SM, there's a lot of evidence on these boards that most people who leave find someone new eventually. Remember, your SM is not making you think of yourself as particularly desirable I'd wager. So your view right now may well be gloomy. |
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Post by baza on Jan 13, 2020 22:35:04 GMT -5
I think everyone here, initially at least, is or was in the "I can't" group.
And, a lot of them remain in that group, and possibly will remain in that group indefinitely.
And that is a perfectly valid position to take.
Indeed although it is pretty difficult to put up some hard numbers, about 75% of members appear to remain in the "I can't" group.
There are others who have taken a fearless inventory of their ILIASM deal and got the appropriate legal advice, support network, exit counselling and sorting out their own shit etc and move to the "I can" group.
This is also a perfectly legitimate position to take.
And about 25% eventually do it.
It is also bloody hard painful work, requiring you to rigorously challenge every "I can't" belief you have.
My observations are that usually, this process of moving from "I can't" to "I can" takes about 18 months to 2 years.
It also seems that if you remain in the "I can't group" beyond 2 years the chances of you moving over to the "I can" group drop away dramatically.
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Post by carl on Jan 14, 2020 18:48:15 GMT -5
I don’t know how much is conscious choice and how much is running commentary on events as they would naturally unfold. I’ve often claimed credit for successful changes I feel that I’ve been the master of and preach to others how with the same hard work and effort they can do the same. So baza you must have had to try very hard to achieve your goal. It must have been tough. But unlike a lot of things in life I find that when it comes to relationships i like to relax and not push or direct things so much. If it doesn’t flow or come naturally then I don’t feel right and the relationship becomes mechanical. I am perhaps too emotional for a guy lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2020 16:33:05 GMT -5
I think everyone here, initially at least, is or was in the "I can't" group. And, a lot of them remain in that group, and possibly will remain in that group indefinitely. And that is a perfectly valid position to take. Indeed although it is pretty difficult to put up some hard numbers, about 75% of members appear to remain in the "I can't" group. There are others who have taken a fearless inventory of their ILIASM deal and got the appropriate legal advice, support network, exit counselling and sorting out their own shit etc and move to the "I can" group. This is also a perfectly legitimate position to take. And about 25% eventually do it. It is also bloody hard painful work, requiring you to rigorously challenge every "I can't" belief you have. My observations are that usually, this process of moving from "I can't" to "I can" takes about 18 months to 2 years. It also seems that if you remain in the "I can't group" beyond 2 years the chances of you moving over to the "I can" group drop away dramatically. I think that's probably true. Going back a couple years, I considered leaving a real possibility. I'm older now, my self-esteem is shored up a bit, my libido has adjusted a bit. "I can't" has turned into, "Nah, I'm good". Still horny..........but good. |
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Post by mr.jones on Feb 26, 2020 4:45:48 GMT -5
Because I’m gutless
Because I’m stuck in a rut
Because I don’t know if I will be any more happy
**********
I saw a counsellor - question posed was do I want in? Do I want out?
My answer - I just want to be happy and be a good dad.
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Post by mr.jones on Feb 26, 2020 18:20:15 GMT -5
Because I’m gutless Because I’m stuck in a rut Because I don’t know if I will be any more happy ********** I saw a counsellor - question posed was do I want in? Do I want out? My answer - I just want to be happy and be a good dad. I was stuck in a rut for a very long time. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want to cheat. With no clue how to get out of the rut, I decided to fuck that motherfucker up in situ by finding a dream to pursue beyond Mrs. Padgemi’s power to control. Of course, she became passive-aggressively mad as hell about it, but #noregrets ! Can you expand on what “happy” might look like for you? Thanks Padgemi, Yes you are on the money. I need to establish what happiness means for me. |
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Post by baza on Feb 27, 2020 0:27:08 GMT -5
At the foot of every post Brother shamwow makes appears this little statement - "Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest"
It's pretty accurate I think |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2020 9:13:54 GMT -5
At the foot of every post Brother shamwow makes appears this little statement - "Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest"
It's pretty accurate I think It has been in that way in my life, at least. Of course, there is a flip side to that particular "Sam's Law". Doing nothing, even if it's destructive in the long term is often the easiest course of action in the short term. When in doubt, do something... |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2020 9:15:42 GMT -5
Rear view mirror here (Been out since October 2009) but back in the day - I chose to stay because I saw it as being in my best short term interests to do so. It avoided me having to deal with the whole unpleasant business and disruption that would have ensued had I chosen to leave. Taking the short term view was 'easier' than taking the longer term view of what was in my best interests .... so unsurprisingly, I took what I saw as the 'easier' option at that time. I stayed. LOL Baz, I read this after writing my last reply...I'm saying the exact came thibg as you, I believe. |
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Post by baza on Feb 28, 2020 20:01:44 GMT -5
Yes.
There came a time when I realised that it was in my longer term best interests to leave.
But even then, I stayed, even though I knew that staying was not in my longer term best interests.
Staying was easier.
However, I did see a lawyer and constructed an exit strategy, shored up my support network, and worked diligently on sorting out my own shit.
And the pendulum swung - ever so slowly - into "leave" territory.
It became obvious that leaving (whilst involving some short term pain and disruption) was the only way to give myself a shot at a fulfilling life in the longer term.
At that tipping point, when leaving was preferable to staying, I left.
I've never regretted it, wish I'd done it sooner.
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Post by wewbwb on May 18, 2020 8:52:48 GMT -5
Just so everyone knows that I'm not dead...
For me the reason I stayed as long as I am, is compassion. I literally gave her years to sort out what was best for her. It didn't happen. So now I am taking control of it and have made more progress in three months during a pandemic, than she make in three years. That's an excuse and what I tell myself to make me feel better.
At the core, I stayed because it was easier and inertia is a powerful thing.
I worry that I will be alone.
I worry that I can not and will not find love.
I worry that the future will be more painful than the existence I'm in.
But I am now at the point where it doesn't matter anymore.
It became too painful.
So I am now addressing the issues and ready to move on.
For me, here are the questions...
Are you happy? Is being happy important to you?
Are you doing anything about it?
So if you aren't, why would they?
If you are doing the same thing and expecting something to change, you are being foolish.
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Post by baza on May 20, 2020 20:37:58 GMT -5
Quirky sense of humour. Strong work ethic. Mechanically skilled (bar propensity to misplace 10mm sockets !) Good bloke. I'll put it to you that these attributes might be highly marketable out there in the real world Brother wewbwb . I hope you do end up having a crack at it Brother - I reckon you'd go ok. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 21, 2020 8:22:35 GMT -5
Quirky sense of humour. Strong work ethic. Mechanically skilled (bar propensity to misplace 10mm sockets !) Good bloke. I'll put it to you that these attributes might be highly marketable out there in the real world Brother wewbwb . I hope you do end up having a crack at it Brother - I reckon you'd go ok. Fucking 10 Mils... Thank you baza . I'm on the path to escaping. We'll see what happens. Personally, (both a blessing and a curse) I'm able to see the good in most things. Or at least the potential for good. The lesson that CAN be learned. So the "extra" years that passed as I stayed made me learn and see things from a different point of view. They lead me to a bit of "personal growth". When I leave now, I will be a better person then if I had left earlier. Is this an excuse? Maybe. Is it the way I choose to look at it? Yes. Had I left earlier, I would have felt more alone and isolated. Call it mild depression. That was my state of mind when I got married oh so many years ago. Look how that turned out for me (btw- today is our 26th anniversary) However, leaving now (or as soon as I pay off a little more debt) I can leave knowing more about myself. I have more tools now to deal better with the situation and have a larger network of support. There are no guarantees. Truth is I may be alone. The difference now is that I'm okay with it. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2020 8:54:29 GMT -5
“ There are no guarantees. Truth is I may be alone.
The difference now is that I'm okay with it. ”
That’s the key to knowing you are ready to leave.
Still, since all marriages end in death of divorce, marriage is no guarantee that one will not have to live alone.
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