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Support
Apr 1, 2019 6:54:52 GMT -5
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Post by smith227 on Apr 1, 2019 6:54:52 GMT -5
So, I’m leaving my sm and moving out in two weeks. My roommate (husband) told me he wanted a divorce last week. I had an exit plan and was going to leave around the end of the year when I was more financially stable, but it’s okay. I recently got an unexpected promotion at work and it came with a nice pay raise. I went and got an apartment a few days ago, and am going to put my deposit down tomorrow. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. I’m sad. And I’m panicked. I live 8 hours from my family and close friends. I have people here that I know from work, but I’ve only been at my current job for a few months. It’s a great job and I don’t want to leave it. I plan to stay in at the current location for the next year, and then see f I can transfer to be closer to my family, but I need at least the year in my current location.
I totaled my car in January. The accident was my fault so my insurance rates skyrocketed and I can no longer afford full coverage. So, I’m saving to buy a car outright and I’ve been taking the bus. Which is fine. I have to walk around a mile to the bus stop every day, but it’s exercise and I need it. So, the apartment I rented is only around a half mile from where I’m living with my soon to be ex now. Without a car I needed to stay close to the bus line I’m on for an easy way to work and back.
I’m nervous. I know how absolutely alone I’m about to be, and it’s panic inducing. I never expected my husband to sexually want me or to even take any kind of care of me, but it was nice for someone to know I made it home at night. Sometimes he’d take me or pick me up from work if it was raining or snowy.
AND NOW HE’S BEING NICE.
He’s telling me that all of this could have been avoided if I could have just been nice. He’s calling and texting me at work to make sure I have a ride and going out of his way to take me and pick me up. He’s asking me if there’s anything I want to watch on tv instead of playing video games and ignoring me. What the literal fuck?
I need to go put this deposit down on my new apartment tomorrow. I need to work through this panic of being completely alone with no car and little money. I need to be okay with my family and friends being 8 hours away while I’m here. I need to get out of this and move on. I need support today so I can do what I need for me tomorrow.
Anyone ever go through this?
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Support
Apr 1, 2019 7:41:46 GMT -5
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 1, 2019 7:41:46 GMT -5
Well, my story runs a but different, but "AND NOW HE'S BEING NICE" sure sounds familiar. My STBX at the time had her lawyer make so many outrageous demands of me that my lawyer laughed out loud and told me, "yeah, he's not getting half of this." After digging her claws into everything she could, my STBX told me sweetly that we could continue to live in the same house after the divorce.
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Post by smith227 on Apr 1, 2019 7:57:07 GMT -5
Well, my story runs a but different, but "AND NOW HE'S BEING NICE" sure sounds familiar. My STBX at the time had her lawyer make so many outrageous demands of me that my lawyer laughed out loud and told me, "yeah, he's not getting half of this." After digging her claws into everything she could, my STBX told me sweetly that we could continue to live in the same house after the divorce. Yeah. And now I’m being told that he’s just disappointed that I couldn’t just be nice. I’m not mean. I’ve detached in the last few months so I’m not catering to him. I’m cordial. I’m just no longer the roommate he so desires with a wife lable slapped on it. So, now after he tells me he wants a divorce and I go find a place, he’s being so nice. I don’t understand his angle, but I cannot fall for this. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 1, 2019 8:47:05 GMT -5
Smith227: “AND NOW HE’S BEING NICE.
He’s telling me that all of this could have been avoided if I could have just been nice. He’s calling and texting me at work to make sure I have a ride and going out of his way to take me and pick me up. He’s asking me if there’s anything I want to watch on tv instead of playing video games and ignoring me. What the literal fuck?”
He expected that when he said he wanted a divorce you’d beg him to not divorce you and then you’d promise to be the “nice” ( undemanding) wife he wants- one who’d live life for him and make no demands on him.
Your getting an apartment etc has shown him that his manipulation didn’t work. He doesn’t want a divorce. He selfishly wants a marriage on his terms only. You don’t want that.
Imstead of focusing on him start doing more things to enrich your life. Meetup may be a great way of making friends. Don’t live waiting to move back home. Find ways of having fun and building a life in your new city.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 1, 2019 9:05:35 GMT -5
Hang in there smith227. Take one step at a time. Lists always help me. Have a plan of action for every day and keep your focus on the goal. You will have sad moments- they are to be expected. His acting nice is also to be expected. Take it for what it is and continue to be cordial to him. There’s no reason for antagonism during this time. I feel your pain; I’m right there with you. We will support one another! BTW - read and re-read the reply from northstarmom. Take her advice about meeting other people when you are ready. She is right- there is no reason why you have to wait out a year in solitude until you move closer to your family. You’ve go this! |
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Support
Apr 1, 2019 22:05:37 GMT -5
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Post by smith227 on Apr 1, 2019 22:05:37 GMT -5
Now, I’ve just spent the last 2 hours having a fight that I was trying so hard to avoid but comes down to he’s perfect and I’m a piece of shit and that’s the reason he could never touch me. It’s all my fault. I’ve been avoiding him and he got me. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and of course he’s perfectly fine. Our shitty, sexless existence is all on me. This just sucks.
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Post by baza on Apr 1, 2019 22:53:53 GMT -5
You are "moving out in two weeks" you say Sister @smithy227 .
Meantime, you can expect more idiocy from this idiot.
It looks like you have other more important issues happening (like how you're going to get to work etc that you mentioned above)
These are the things to get your focus on.
Not him.
He's not relevant any more.
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Post by smith227 on Apr 2, 2019 6:56:10 GMT -5
You are "moving out in two weeks" you say Sister @smithy227 . Meantime, you can expect more idiocy from this idiot. It looks like you have other more important issues happening (like how you're going to get to work etc that you mentioned above) These are the things to get your focus on. Not him. He's not relevant any more. You’re absolutely right. He brings out the absolute worst in me. I should focus on putting that part of me away and moving on. It’s just hard. All he wants is a reaction and I gave him that last night. And with it a platform for him to manipulate and twist things to place all the blame on me. When in reality the blame game is no longer valid bc the relationship is over. |
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Post by sadkat on Apr 2, 2019 8:31:08 GMT -5
You are "moving out in two weeks" you say Sister @smithy227 . Meantime, you can expect more idiocy from this idiot. It looks like you have other more important issues happening (like how you're going to get to work etc that you mentioned above) These are the things to get your focus on. Not him. He's not relevant any more. You’re absolutely right. He brings out the absolute worst in me. I should focus on putting that part of me away and moving on. It’s just hard. All he wants is a reaction and I gave him that last night. And with it a platform for him to manipulate and twist things to place all the blame on me. When in reality the blame game is no longer valid bc the relationship is over. You are correct, no good will come out of playing the blame game at this point. He will continue to push your buttons and sometimes you are bound to respond. Forgive yourself and move on. You know the truth so take the high road and try to ignore his attempts to engage you as much as possible. You’ve only got 2 weeks left before you can finally free yourself from his manipulation. Keep that count down going in your head and stay as busy as possible while you’re at it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2019 8:54:01 GMT -5
“Now, I’ve just spent the last 2 hours having a fight that I was trying so hard to avoid but comes down to he’s perfect and I’m a piece of shit and that’s the reason he could never touch me. It’s all my fault. I’ve been avoiding him and he got me. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and of course he’s perfectly fine. Our shitty, sexless existence is all on me. This just sucks.”
He is doing everything he can to get under your skin. Do everything you can to stay away from him. Can you take time off from work to do the packing you need to do while he’s at work? Stay out in the evening even if it means window shopping or sitting in a coffee shop journaling or researching Meetups. You also can choose to stop talking to him. Presumably you are sleeping in the sofa or some other place so you don’t have to share a bed with him.
You don’t have to accept his blame. The very fact that he blames you for the unhappy marriage is proof that he and you are not compatible. No need to respond. He is your past. Focus on your future.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 2, 2019 9:34:39 GMT -5
So, I’m leaving my sm and moving out in two weeks. My roommate (husband) told me he wanted a divorce last week. I had an exit plan and was going to leave around the end of the year when I was more financially stable, but it’s okay. I recently got an unexpected promotion at work and it came with a nice pay raise. I went and got an apartment a few days ago, and am going to put my deposit down tomorrow. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. I’m sad. And I’m panicked. I live 8 hours from my family and close friends. I have people here that I know from work, but I’ve only been at my current job for a few months. It’s a great job and I don’t want to leave it. I plan to stay in at the current location for the next year, and then see f I can transfer to be closer to my family, but I need at least the year in my current location. I totaled my car in January. The accident was my fault so my insurance rates skyrocketed and I can no longer afford full coverage. So, I’m saving to buy a car outright and I’ve been taking the bus. Which is fine. I have to walk around a mile to the bus stop every day, but it’s exercise and I need it. So, the apartment I rented is only around a half mile from where I’m living with my soon to be ex now. Without a car I needed to stay close to the bus line I’m on for an easy way to work and back. I’m nervous. I know how absolutely alone I’m about to be, and it’s panic inducing. I never expected my husband to sexually want me or to even take any kind of care of me, but it was nice for someone to know I made it home at night. Sometimes he’d take me or pick me up from work if it was raining or snowy. AND NOW HE’S BEING NICE. He’s telling me that all of this could have been avoided if I could have just been nice. He’s calling and texting me at work to make sure I have a ride and going out of his way to take me and pick me up. He’s asking me if there’s anything I want to watch on tv instead of playing video games and ignoring me. What the literal fuck? I need to go put this deposit down on my new apartment tomorrow. I need to work through this panic of being completely alone with no car and little money. I need to be okay with my family and friends being 8 hours away while I’m here. I need to get out of this and move on. I need support today so I can do what I need for me tomorrow. Anyone ever go through this? Yes, I went through quiet a bit of this. I had been unemployed for 14 yrs, and instead was a homeschooler, stay at home dad, landlord, and adopted teenage children. ALL during my divorce I had no idea what would happen until it was finally over. Things like; would I keep the house? would I move? How far away? Would I be able to get a job? What would our settlement be like? Who will keep the kids? Will I find another church? Will I be totally alone? How long until I meet someone else? Will I even be desired by someone else/ etc... However ... I did know certain things. I knew that I had lived single for over a decade and did quite well. I knew that I was highly responsible for a multitude of tasks, responsibilities, and unselfish deeds that kept our family together and sane, and that I did it well. I knew that the legal odds where highly in my favor. I knew that my ex had problems beyond my ability to fix, and that I had been a victim to her manipulative controlling, selfish ways for far too long. I worried. A LOT. 98% of our worries normally end up as mild concerns. We pull through, and we learn. You had one friend. One friend! That in itself is a replaceable commodity. Like the old saying," there are many fish in the sea". All it will take is one person to treat you with the same respect that you give to them and your self esteem and perspective will get a huge boost. It's worth taking the chance to find that person. You have to do the finding. You have to put yourself out there again. Tribulations =fear=patience=experience=forgiveness=trust=truth=understanding=strength=confidence=boundaries. You too, dear lady, have MANY strong attributes in your favor! Grab a hold off them and seize the day!!! I will list a few of them for you: You have the gift of touch. You have the gift of mercy and giving. You are attractive and desirable. You have a stable job. A substantially workable income. A steady job.A great job. You don't want to leave it. You can relocate and keep your job. You show up for work, despite needing transportation. you overcome obstacles. You are able to save money.You have a year in your current location. Think of it as an opportunity to form several short term relationships! Surface relationships. Friends with benefits. No children, no relatives, etc... you have very little strings attached to hold you down! Volunteer to serve others and fill your 'self esteem cup'. Give and don't feel selfish by making sure you RECEIVE back in return. |
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Support
Apr 2, 2019 10:31:53 GMT -5
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Post by smith227 on Apr 2, 2019 10:31:53 GMT -5
Thank you guys for all the support and responses. I got told quite a bit last night that I’m just “insane” and that, though he’s not a doctor, he thinks that I should definitely be medicated bc I’m just always mad and hates everything he loves. That I constantly try to break him. That if I could just be nice, he would want to touch me. I responded that there were countless of times I stayed up late, on his time schedule to spend time with him. That we would laugh and have fun and then I would go shower and get all smooth and soft. Put on my sexiest underwear and go to bed and wait. And wait. Til I finally fell asleep. Only to wake up to him beside me on his laptop...again. And that broke me. His response was that instead of me getting mad, the next day I should have found something fun for him to do, so he would be in a good mood and then he could touch me. Instead of feeling defeated and turning off, just find something fun for him to do the next day like a NORMAL girl instead of an insane person.
I KNOW NONE OF THIS MATTERS. He opinion of my isn’t relevant, but DAMN. He’s got me questioning if this all is my fault. Maybe he is the normal one? I’m still leaving either way, but I’d rather not feel so bad about myself walking into freedom.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2019 10:45:08 GMT -5
Is it possible for you to get counseling? Perhaps through your health insurance? That could help you get the self confidence to believe in yourself despite your husband’s verbal abuse. I found therapy very helpful as I divorced. Another option might be to participate in a group for people newly divorced and those going through divorce. There may even be online groups.
The less you are around your stbx, the better. It can be hard to believe in yourself when a person you live with is trying to tear you down.
What about your family and old friends? Would it be helpful to FaceTime or call them?
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 2, 2019 12:53:24 GMT -5
Don't ENGAGE. It's over. Grey rock that fucker. Practice saying "You may very well be right."
But at least you have your answer to 'why is he being nice?' it's because he was setting you up for a mindfuck. Which I know is not the kind of fuck you were after.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 2, 2019 13:34:47 GMT -5
Thank you guys for all the support and responses. I got told quite a bit last night that I’m just “insane” and that, though he’s not a doctor, he thinks that I should definitely be medicated bc I’m just always mad and hates everything he loves. That I constantly try to break him. That if I could just be nice, he would want to touch me. I responded that there were countless of times I stayed up late, on his time schedule to spend time with him. That we would laugh and have fun and then I would go shower and get all smooth and soft. Put on my sexiest underwear and go to bed and wait. And wait. Til I finally fell asleep. Only to wake up to him beside me on his laptop...again. And that broke me. His response was that instead of me getting mad, the next day I should have found something fun for him to do, so he would be in a good mood and then he could touch me. Instead of feeling defeated and turning off, just find something fun for him to do the next day like a NORMAL girl instead of an insane person. I KNOW NONE OF THIS MATTERS. He opinion of my isn’t relevant, but DAMN. He’s got me questioning if this all is my fault. Maybe he is the normal one? I’m still leaving either way, but I’d rather not feel so bad about myself walking into freedom. It doesn’t matter but the words still hurt. That is his intention- he does not want to own his part of your fuck-up of a marriage. Nothing you can do or say will change that. The very nature of an sm screws with your self confidence. A counselor would be very helpful if you could afford one. Check with your employee assistance program at your job. Some offer up to 3 free counseling sessions. 3 doesn’t sound like a whole lot but you will benefit from them. Are you a reader? I purchased a kindle book on divorce that was written by women for women. I found it immensely helpful. The cost was less than $10. If you’re interested, I can give you the details. I’m going through the same thing you are and totally understand how you’re feeling. I can’t emphasize enough how much counseling has helped me so please consider it for yourself. Hugs to you and hang in there! |
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