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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 11, 2019 11:19:54 GMT -5
He trying everything he can to reset the hook. He tried being nice, that didn't work. Now he trying gas lighting you, don't let that work. Step back and look and think about what he's doing. I'm certain you will see it and it will surprise you I agree with this. And to northstarmom ‘s point, watch out for the next step: it could get ugly. Being nice didn’t work. Gaslighting didn’t work. Getting mean might be his next step. The guy sounds like a possible sociopath, honestly. Get the f away from him as soon as you can. Your life will be so much better, even if there are some struggles. He’s toxic. |
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Support
Apr 11, 2019 12:48:21 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Apr 11, 2019 12:48:21 GMT -5
I've been out for almost 2 years. He's been blocked from my phone for 6 months. I blocked his email today. He wants to get back together he tells me it's all his fault and is so sorry than basically says all the ways it's my fault. As is his misery. I just can't anymore. They never cease to amaze me . Stay strong! That has been my experience talking to my soon to be ex lately. We had a huge fight the other night because he is refusing to move out of the house until the divorce is final. I said that could take years and years. His response was that that is fine, he’s OK with that, he’s talked to several people and gotten all kinds of legal advice that tells him he loses his interest in the house if he moves out. He went on to tell me how horrible and mean and cold and caring of been toward him throughout this whole thing and that he has always been “extremely empathetic quotetoward me throughout our entire marriage and that he loves me so much and wants us so badly to get back together, but I am just not showing him any affection whatsoever. Yesterday, I dug up a couple of articles written by actual family law tourneys that state the obvious of what he is telling me he has learned and emailed them to him, along with all of the financial disclosure paperwork that we should have filled out by now. His response was “So we conciliation is out of the question? I was having all kinds of great memories of us together “ Well, ballofconfusion is still going through her divorce almost two years now. He is quite openly gay and wants to just kinda hang out as friends but still is dragging feet on finishing the divorce. He's trying to stick her with way more than 50 percent of the debt. Some of these folks are fucking nuts. Mine squeezed me for as much cash (50/50 plus child support - fair) and custody (60/40 - fucked up) as she could and pretty much leaves me alone. She usually only pings me if she wants more cash. After numerous attempts to Co parent and being cut out, I've decided to parallel parent instead. This has worked out much better. |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 11, 2019 16:10:03 GMT -5
Thank you guys for all the support and responses. I got told quite a bit last night that I’m just “insane” and that, though he’s not a doctor, he thinks that I should definitely be medicated bc I’m just always mad and hates everything he loves. That I constantly try to break him. That if I could just be nice, he would want to touch me. I responded that there were countless of times I stayed up late, on his time schedule to spend time with him. That we would laugh and have fun and then I would go shower and get all smooth and soft. Put on my sexiest underwear and go to bed and wait. And wait. Til I finally fell asleep. Only to wake up to him beside me on his laptop...again. And that broke me. His response was that instead of me getting mad, the next day I should have found something fun for him to do, so he would be in a good mood and then he could touch me. Instead of feeling defeated and turning off, just find something fun for him to do the next day like a NORMAL girl instead of an insane person. I KNOW NONE OF THIS MATTERS. He opinion of my isn’t relevant, but DAMN. He’s got me questioning if this all is my fault. Maybe he is the normal one? I’m still leaving either way, but I’d rather not feel so bad about myself walking into freedom. Blame shifting is NORMAL for refusers. It is their modus operandi. That, and gaslighting.
"if only you'd be nice" -- yeah, right. As if. You can be as nice as you want with the likes of that, and they will find something else to make it impossible for them to be nice back. They keep shifting the goalposts.
Meh.
The sad thing is that they're being genuine and true to themselves as they see it. Most of them, except the worst gaslighters who get their jollies from destroying you. They can't see they're being an arsehole. You can't change them, you can't make them 'see the light', they will not come around ... it's better to not play their game.
You'll be fine. You may find, once you're away from that cats' piss, and that pissant, that a 20t weight will have been removed from your heart. (After I separated from my first wife and she left the house, my feet barely touched the ground for 2 years, I was so happy to have her out of my life -- and she was not abusing me even, she was just hurting me every day by not entering into an adult relationship).
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 11, 2019 16:13:16 GMT -5
How many of our refusers would you all day are far along on the narcissist spectrum? 60%? 70%? 80%?
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Support
Apr 11, 2019 21:05:46 GMT -5
Post by solodriver on Apr 11, 2019 21:05:46 GMT -5
He trying everything he can to reset the hook. He tried being nice, that didn't work. Now he trying gas lighting you, don't let that work. Step back and look and think about what he's doing. I'm certain you will see it and it will surprise you I agree with this. And to northstarmom ‘s point, watch out for the next step: it could get ugly. Being nice didn’t work. Gaslighting didn’t work. Getting mean might be his next step. The guy sounds like a possible sociopath, honestly. Get the f away from him as soon as you can. Your life will be so much better, even if there are some struggles. He’s toxic. I agree. Every day we read or hear about men and women killing their spouses, family members and themselves because they can't get what they want, control of the situation. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 12, 2019 11:48:28 GMT -5
smith227 it’s been a week... how are doing?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 14, 2019 18:38:17 GMT -5
How many of our refusers would you all day are far along on the narcissist spectrum? 60%? 70%? 80%? I keep telling mine he is but he can't see it at all. I'm divorced and still dealing with him. I tried to be friends now I'm just trying to be civil. But he pushes my buttons |
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Support
Apr 15, 2019 9:38:25 GMT -5
Post by petrushka on Apr 15, 2019 9:38:25 GMT -5
How many of our refusers would you all day are far along on the narcissist spectrum? 60%? 70%? 80%?
-1 !
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 16, 2019 5:14:22 GMT -5
How many of our refusers would you all say are far along on the narcissist spectrum? 60%? 70%? 80%? I think it is pretty high. The Mayo clinic lists a number of narcissistic attributes, and these stand out as a 100% fit for refusers: * Take advantage of others to get what they want * Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others |
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Post by smith227 on Apr 18, 2019 22:51:00 GMT -5
smith227 it’s been a week... how are doing? I’m currently watching tv in my own little two bedroom apartment and actually quite content. My husband and I started getting along better than ever the last week I was in the house. He helped me move and even set up my cable and internet. I only own a free couch an older lady was getting rid of when I was moving into the complex and an air mattress. I made a couple of side tables out of some old milk crates and am watching tv on my little 19in and it feels pretty great. Thank you so much for thinking of me! |
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