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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 3, 2019 18:32:31 GMT -5
Christmas day was like a dream! Almost a fantasy come true!
Imagine no kids, no negative past emotions, or history to be used against you, a new home, (surroundings and environment) no excuses, instead a time to simply give and receive long moments of intimacy, pasion, romance, compliments, and physical pleasure!
Then knowing it will continue into the night, the next morning ,and the next day!
I also want to express that their is a large obstacle to overcome.
That is...TRUST.
Years of my SM just doesn't go away.
Trust will gain strength with time.
I do find it amazing ,how much trust I give to another when I offer physical intimacy!
What also helps immensely is to have someone else who is also proceeding with caution as they give their trust to you as well.
When both people are willing to take the 3 C's much can happen!
1st: Choice. Deciding you want to do something.
2nd: Chance. Taking a risk.
3rd: Change. It takes the first two in order for change to occur.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 3, 2019 18:37:19 GMT -5
Whew. Awesome update. I am learning so much from your brave process. Keep moving forward! You are doing so well!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 3, 2019 21:40:42 GMT -5
Now comes the bad news, I find myself being skeptical, and over-cautious. I fear that I am being love bombed again. ( if she sees me as being some sort of savior, that may be precisely what she wants) I thought I did my research, and was prepared, for someone who might act smitten, and overwhelmed by me. I want to be cautious of red flags when someone treats me like I am the best thing that has ever happened to them, or I treat them, like no one else ever has, I am the hottest, sexiest man ,they have ever been with, I respect them, and are so kind to them, etc.... My question is, what if it's true? What if your new partner is very much like yourself? That you have been denied of these things for so long, that you really do find your new partner to be , well... " a dream come true". I think of so, so many people on this forum who would fit that description, ( a dream come true , as a partner in a relationship) and all that they would offer to someone who will only give it back to them? So, if someone gives you too much info. too soon, is that a red flag? What if there info is very similar to yours? That can be a good thing. ( you have a lot in common) If they are too sexual, too fast? What if they have been starved of any intimacy or affection, like you? Is there a different level of understanding? If your new partners good, giving nature, has been taken advantage of and doesn't know too well how to set boundaries? Is that a red flag? What if they are very open to learning how to make better choices? What if they too are anxious for a new beginning? With every new day together I am screening for problems. The opportunity is there in the beginning. Much of these things is normal and should be discussed openly. Part of this is me being cautious due to years of damage from being controlled, and me allowing it. I won't be fooled again. Nor do I want the same thing to happen to my new partner or any of us fine people on this forum!  |
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Post by baza on Jan 3, 2019 22:42:29 GMT -5
Something to think on Brother greatcoastal . Despite there being no evidence of it, let us assume for one moment that this relationship you are building with this chick goes guts up at some point. Do you trust yourself to be able to handle that ? Do you have the tools and experience to handle that ? From where I sit, on the outside looking in on your deal, the answers to those questions would be yes and yes....based on the fact that you have only fairly recently passed through one of the most serious trials of your adult life. Mate, if you can come through an ILIASM shithole and out the other end of it, I think you could handle just about anything now. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2019 0:37:43 GMT -5
Wonderful updates GC! So happy for you.
I know you are ever-questioning. I’m wondering if you can put aside your skepticism and just ENJOY the moments, take them as they come. If it goes belly up? You’ll learn another lesson, recover, and move on. That’s what life is about! Learning and moving forward.
Just enjoy. Don’t always be looking for the negative. Nothing is perfect but what you have right now, new lust, sure sounds fun. It never lasts, but bask in it while you have it!
Happy 2019!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 4, 2019 12:12:58 GMT -5
Wonderful updates GC! So happy for you. I know you are ever-questioning. I’m wondering if you can put aside your skepticism and just ENJOY the moments, take them as they come. If it goes belly up? You’ll learn another lesson, recover, and move on. That’s what life is about! Learning and moving forward. Just enjoy. Don’t always be looking for the negative. Nothing is perfect but what you have right now, new lust, sure sounds fun. It never lasts, but bask in it while you have it! Happy 2019! " Nothing is perfect but what you have right now, new lust, sure sounds fun." YES, it's more than fun. It's a HUGE ego boost that will last for years! It carries over into many other aspects of my life as well. I find myself basking in the glory of " how long has it been?" or " I've never done this before", or " it was 35 yrs ago and that was only once". I thank my partner. I also want her to know how truly special such moments are, and that I don't take it for granted. ( returning touch, with quality time, words of affirmation, gifts and... even acts of service. All revolving around sex! HOW different, new, and exciting is that!!) I think it's fair to say, I've always been very big on giving. So naturally when I have some one who will tell me what they like, and how they like it, I act on it! I then find out that simple things- things I normally do for anyone or any woman are seen as above and beyond for her. Just lusting in that is a special time, that helps both of us! |
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Post by isthisit on Jan 4, 2019 12:41:37 GMT -5
Now comes the bad news, I find myself being skeptical, and over-cautious. I fear that I am being love bombed again. ( if she sees me as being some sort of savior, that may be precisely what she wants) I thought I did my research, and was prepared, for someone who might act smitten, and overwhelmed by me. I want to be cautious of red flags when someone treats me like I am the best thing that has ever happened to them, or I treat them, like no one else ever has, I am the hottest, sexiest man ,they have ever been with, I respect them, and are so kind to them, etc.... My question is, what if it's true? What if your new partner is very much like yourself? That you have been denied of these things for so long, that you really do find your new partner to be , well... " a dream come true". I think of so, so many people on this forum who would fit that description, ( a dream come true , as a partner in a relationship) and all that they would offer to someone who will only give it back to them? So, if someone gives you too much info. too soon, is that a red flag? What if there info is very similar to yours? That can be a good thing. ( you have a lot in common) If they are too sexual, too fast? What if they have been starved of any intimacy or affection, like you? Is there a different level of understanding? If your new partners good, giving nature, has been taken advantage of and doesn't know too well how to set boundaries? Is that a red flag? What if they are very open to learning how to make better choices? What if they too are anxious for a new beginning? With every new day together I am screening for problems. The opportunity is there in the beginning. Much of these things is normal and should be discussed openly. Part of this is me being cautious due to years of damage from being controlled, and me allowing it. I won't be fooled again. Nor do I want the same thing to happen to my new partner or any of us fine people on this forum! I am delighted to hear your news. But, I also share your concerns. I am someway behind you, still ‘in’ but with firmed up plans in place to exit within a period of weeks. I really want to find that special someone much more compatible with me (functioning junk also a must) . However when I met H I was as happy as a person can be (junk functioning nicely) and I fell hopelessly in love. Great for 5 years, SM for 16 follows....Looking to the future, how do I learn from this? Fall in love yet not trust it? Or be okay without the hopelessly in love bit to be safe? The answer of course lies with baza I think- take the risk with the confidence that I can recover if I have to. This perspective has parked some of my fears (thanks baza for your wisdom) Anyway, I’m not sure I could resist the pull anyway- when I fall in love I seem to do it thoroughly. And that’s no bad thing surely? |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 7, 2019 6:45:20 GMT -5
"...Part of this is me being cautious due to years of damage from being controlled, and me allowing it. I won't be fooled again. Nor do I want the same thing to happen to my new partner or any of us fine people on this forum!"
We are all much wiser than we were when we first arrived. I do not know what your future plans are, but at some point you might want to see what she has in mind.
Does she have any needs? Needs taint a relationship. They give a reason for false fronts and deception. I'd rather have a relationship start with desire and mutual interest. Respect and love will follow. Oh, and, um, "desire"? I am pretty sure you both have that going for you.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 8, 2019 8:10:11 GMT -5
From very early on I felt very optimistic about my new partner (other than the initial worrying he was too much like my ex on the first date). But I still had reservations - and so did he. It's wise to have some reservations. On certain things - like financial, or getting too involved in your/her kids' lives. I do not agree with ironhamster that needs taint a relationship. (Unless I'm misunderstanding what he's saying). We all have needs, physical, emotional, social. And a good partner helps you meet those needs and you help them meet theirs. It's because we've all been in terrible one-sided relationships that we worry about being overwhelmed with those needs without having any help to meet our own. I had a great Christmas last year with my new partner, too. We were on our own and it was lovely. This year we both worked very hard to give our kids a big traditional Christmas. Because that's what we wanted to do. It was lovely. Even my son said that he loved the Christmas tree bursting with presents because "When it was just me and mommy the tree looked a little sad." |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 8, 2019 8:23:52 GMT -5
Regarding my concern with needs, I would not want to be in a relationship where my partner could not make it on her own. I want her to be independent enough that the only reason she is with me is because she wants to be.
Certainly, when the people we love have some need, we rally to support them. I don't mean to sound callous.
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Post by workingonit on Jan 8, 2019 9:12:17 GMT -5
I think the "need" thing can really boil down to money and material goods. If that is part of an equation in a relationship I agree it does taint things. But I also agree that every person has emotional, physical, spiritual needs that are at tye heart of a relationship. A needy person may be ok, kind of depends on what they need.
I think I would watch out for any desire in myself or a partner to change the other. I look forward to wanting someone for who they are and being wanted just for me as I am.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 8, 2019 9:34:25 GMT -5
"...Part of this is me being cautious due to years of damage from being controlled, and me allowing it. I won't be fooled again. Nor do I want the same thing to happen to my new partner or any of us fine people on this forum!" We are all much wiser than we were when we first arrived. I do not know what your future plans are, but at some point you might want to see what she has in mind. Does she have any needs? Needs taint a relationship. They give a reason for false fronts and deception. I'd rather have a relationship start with desire and mutual interest. Respect and love will follow. Oh, and, um, "desire"? I am pretty sure you both have that going for you. Does she have any needs? YES! Honestly, and I am extremely thankful for this, her biggest need is to be desired, to be romanced, to be entertained ( see things and go places. She has been sheltered for years, by other men who want to come home and drink beer , watch TV and do nothing)) to be her true self around someone who appreciates it. She wants sex 4 times a day! She has about 60 orgasms a day!! ( I've never experienced such a thing!) Just the slightest touch, rubbing or kissing, and she's moaning with pleasure! Then comes the OMG, OMG, OMG, that's wonderful! I love that! OH YES, YES, YES,! Oh MERCY!! OH you wonderful man!! etc... Then after a continues hour, I ask " are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" She says, " Oh no, you can keep going. How about you put it in me? Get some,more lotion!" Her needs, and mine, where something that was openly discussed on the phone, and in person. This is something I will not be fooled again on! Family, finances, emotions, goals, ( long term, and short term) all of them. I have seen both sides of the spectrum in opposite land ( from an observation perspective and first hand). 1) The person in opposite land who walked away with their career, money in the bank, a steady, reliable flow of income, their house, much of their possessions, their friends, faith, and they continue to keep themselves healthy and fit, kids already in college, or kids a few days a week. And yet, some of these people are nothing but takers, and will use you for nothing but self benefit, and then move on to the next victim. 2) The person in opposite land who walked away with huge debt, a crushing blow to their self esteem, years of being codependent, and they now have no income, and need to enter the workforce with nothing on their resume. They have drinking problems, they have drug addictions, they have health issues, they have let their bodies go down hill, they are looking for a sugar daddy, they live in a fantasy world, ( facebook, TV, snapchat, etc..) They have been taken care of all these years, and now have to finally take care of themselves. They are lost and are looking for that white night, their prince, to save them.
They have no idea, about all the mental barriers that are still to come, and do nothing to help themselves. You offer them hope and guidance, and they throw it away, because that means work on their part. Or they wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them in the head like a 2x4! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 8, 2019 9:48:41 GMT -5
Regarding my concern with needs, I would not want to be in a relationship where my partner could not make it on her own. I want her to be independent enough that the only reason she is with me is because she wants to be. Certainly, when the people we love have some need, we rally to support them. I don't mean to sound callous. People (women) who could make it on their own. That is what i thought I would be meeting out there in opposite land, in great abundance. That has not been the case. There are fake masks out there to uncover, and be aware of. Sadly much of it comes down to financial needs, with mental/emotional problems ( and addictions) being a close second. my short experience was with people ( women) who are barely affording their rent, have no children ( or they are grown) and want to move in with me, and suddenly be my daughters best friend. I'm like.... woa... I don't think so!! I'm not getting married ever again, you live in your place, I live in mine, we date. Often. I visit you, you visit me. Hours or days at a time. Two independent people being together. It's a whole new world! And I am always learning! |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 8, 2019 10:17:02 GMT -5
GC said: “2) The person in opposite land who walked away with huge debt, a crushing blow to their self esteem, years of being codependent, and they now have no income, and need to enter the workforce with nothing on their resume. They have drinking problems, they have drug addictions, they have health issues, they have let their bodies go down hill, they are looking for a sugar daddy, they live in a fantasy world, ( facebook, TV, snapchat, etc..) They have been taken care of all these years, and now have to finally take care of themselves. They are lost and are looking for that white night, their prince, to save them.
They have no idea, about all the mental barriers that are still to come, and do nothing to help themselves. You offer them hope and guidance, and they throw it away, because that means work on their part. Or they wouldn't know a good thing if it hit them in the head like a 2x4!”
Do not be (how my wonderful ex therapist phrased it) “the universal tit.” Once you identify such potential romantic partners, avoid them. It is not your job to try to save them. It’s your job to surround yourself with people who are capable of giving not just getting.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 8, 2019 10:43:04 GMT -5
Do not be (how my wonderful ex therapist phrased it) “the universal tit.” Once you identify such potential romantic partners, avoid them. It is not your job to try to save them. It’s your job to surround yourself with people who are capable of giving not just getting. ^^^ AMEN =( YES!). I like this quote from a pastor," show me your 4 best friends, and I will show you your future". Another reason why I changed my surroundings, and environment through divorce. To thine own self be true! |
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