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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2018 20:49:48 GMT -5
GC said: "All of these women, all of them have leaned very heavily on wanting to meet my family, without any inclination from me." The women then seem to be rushing things. Would make far more sense to get to know you before meeting your kids. In one of your posts, you said one of the sites you were using is passion.com. I just looked at its homepage and it seems to be an obvious hook-up site. If you aren't interested in jumping straight into bed with someone, it doesn't seem to be the right choice for you. True ,the woman seem to be rushing things. I have to learn to deal with that. It's such a game! So it will be up to me to enforce my boundary about getting to know me, and me getting to know them before meeting the kids. However ,when things don't even get to a second date, ( yes, I ended some of them) and you're left wondering the famous "why" question, it's frustrating. ( although no where near as bad as being locked into a marriage) I also posted that passion.com was a learning experience. And that I ended it ,and won't be going back. I learned about spotting sugar babies looking for a sugar daddy and scams. One thing about other sites , eharmony for example, is where do people like my ex go after a divorce? All of the rejectors from a SM who only want a date with never any sex or intimacy, yet they still want to date someone, where do they go to meet someone? One of those places is anything with the words, church, religion, or Christian on/in it. I mention that due to the numerous stories of people who are convinced that sex/intimacy is bad , not needed, they can live without it, etc... and use religion as a crutch, or were either badly influenced by it. |
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Post by baza on Oct 27, 2018 21:38:28 GMT -5
It would be nice in life, and relationships, if one could seamlessly go from the imperfect position to the perfect* position - and cut out all the bullshit in between those two extremes.
But the "getting out" is one stand alone issue, then sorting out your own shit is another stand alone issue, and then a new relationship is yet another stand alone issue.
You've done the "getting out" issue.
I'd imagine that you are deeply involved in the next stand alone issue - sorting out your own shit.
That is usually a pretty difficult and challenging job all by itself....and, as you work your way through this stage it is entirely possible that you will be presenting a slightly different persona to the outside world (and the womenfolk there-in) as your journey of personal growth continues.
That process of personal growth, and the subtle nuances of change that involves is likely to have far reaching consequences in assorted existing relationships and in future relationships that have not even happened yet.
I think, that the more you present yourself as a bloke who is sorting his own shit out, the more people are likely to find that an attractive proposition.
Then, I'd imagine, you'd be making your own choices of a number of candidates who are presenting to you as being women who are sorting their own shit out.
Imagine that...a bloke and a chick with their individual shit sorting out well advanced.
Big things could happen out of that.
*foot-note - I am none too sure that a "perfect" state actually exists
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 27, 2018 23:16:32 GMT -5
“One thing about other sites , eharmony for example, is where do people like my ex go after a divorce? All of the rejectors from a SM who only want a date with never any sex or intimacy, yet they still want to date someone.
One of those places is anything with the words, church, religion, or Christian on/in it. I mention that due to the numerous stories of people who are convinced that sex/intimacy is bad , not needed, they can live without it, etc... and use religion as a crutch, or were either badly influenced by it.”
I know 2 women who used eharmony. One was mid 60s and widowed. The other was mid 50s and diivorcing (She lied to eharmony and said she already was divorced). Both liked sex. The mid 60s woman was looking for a ltr with sex. She met a man her age looking for marriage. He lived a 5 hour drive away. After phoning and emailing they met for a brief date in his city when she was flying through there. They liked each other in person. She invited him to visit her city and they had sex during the third day of his visit. They were compatible and married about a year later. 6 years later they are still married.
I don’t know if the other woman found anyone in eharmony but I do know she describes herself as highly sexed and currently has a boyfriend whom she met at a blues club.
Just because refuser are on sites like eharmony doesn’t mean all the women there are cold fish. You have nothing to lose by tryingbit especially since it’s a rare site in which women outnumber men.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 29, 2018 8:12:48 GMT -5
I don’t know if the other woman found anyone in eharmony but I do know she describes herself as highly sexed and currently has a boyfriend whom she met at a blues club. Just because refuser are on sites like eharmony doesn’t mean all the women there are cold fish. You have nothing to lose by tryingbit especially since it’s a rare site in which women outnumber men. I have zero experience with eharmony. What I do know is what the most RECENT reviews say about eharmony. 1) They are the most expensive. 2) Most of the negative stories are " I was matched with a person who lives in another state. When I asked for a refund, they get told we filled our obligation and matched you. No refunds". 3) The negative stories of the repeated monthly billing, and how difficult it is to end the billing. (I've posted this several times before) This is why I am hesitant to use eharmony. Meanwhile Tinder is free or you can pay if you choose. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 30, 2018 3:31:18 GMT -5
Yeah, I personally have had bad experiences with eHarmony and Match billing. You can avoid the repeat billing if you are very, very, very careful. But it's not easy.
I have a friend (very sex positive) who met a great guy on eHarmony and they have been married for a while (not sure how long).
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 30, 2018 6:21:34 GMT -5
Just a thought, a distant side note, I look back through these "life after death" posts and I remember how important it was to me, right after the divorce, to prove to myself that a woman of average build or a slender woman would desire me,since I fall into that category.
Especially after decades of rejection by my ex and her extreme lack of being sexualy desirable through her actions, words, and physical appearance.
This is a place where such comments are acceptable and understood.
The being desired by someone who is similar to my build is still a strong mental motivation for me. The first woman I met a few months after my divorce was good proof for me that it is possible. Sadly she has "issues" that I can't fix.
It's a whole new world, stepping out of seclusion, and rejection and finding the right person, asking questions, answering questions, making short term decisions, and long term decisions, all while still raising kids and being a single man alone one week and then back to being with a family the next week!
It's one of those days where I can do absolutely nothing, and all will be well ,or I could do all kinds of things for myself and others. One day at a time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2018 8:26:20 GMT -5
I recieved some closure on a date I had a month ago. I took a random chance, and made a spur of the moment phone call to J.S. The woman whom I dated once and thought everything went so well, but i was then ghosted.
I asked for some kind of clarification as to why I did not hear back from her?
I was not her only date that week. She had met another guy, and has been dating him for the past month.
J.S. said " I only want to date one person at a time. Me and this other guy, we just clicked". ( she used that term 3 times) She went on to say " we just had SO many things in common! He's blind in one eye and deaf in one ear, just like me, we just had so much in common".
Hey.. if that's the reason I was chosen over? Oh well. If that's what she likes and wants in a man, If that's the first thing that comes to her mind when talking about him, more power to her!. Although I doubt that was it, and I will never know.
I thanked her for her explanation. I also told her, that this is still 'new ground for me, a new, learning experience, so I was left wondering what i did that was so wrong?"
I was told " you did nothing wrong! You were wonderful! I'm sure you will meet the right person. Me and this other guy, we just clicked and had so much in common".
I did not want or need to know much more. I was a gentleman, and complimented her on her inner and outer beauty, and wished her the best.
Our conversation was short and to the point. J.S. told me " I have to work a double shift tomorrow, so I was ready to go to bed soon". That worked out well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2018 8:38:45 GMT -5
The other day on Tinder I received a "like" from a woman who lives 1150 miles away from me. I wondered why this even happened? I put a 25 mile radius on my search?
I assumed it was a mistake, or this would keep happening, and was going to ignore it. I decided to take a different approach.
So I wrote to her asking why I was hearing from her, and offered to be an online friend to her if she wanted. She wrote me back and told me " I am moving to Melbourne at the end of the month. My new house is finished, my car is being transported this week, etc..."
We continue to communicate, and learn more about each other.
All part of the opposite land journey.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2018 8:47:43 GMT -5
“J.S. said " I only want to date one person at a time. Me and this other guy, we just clicked". ( she used that term 3 times) She went on to say " we just had SO many things in common! He's blind in one eye and deaf in one ear, just like me, we just had so much in common".
Hey.. if that's the reason I was chosen over? Oh well. If that's what she likes and wants in a man, If that's the first thing that comes to her mind when talking about him, more power to her!. Although I doubt that was it, and I will never know.”
I believe her. I’ve seen people bond over things I’d consider nonconsequental (though being blind in one eye and deaf in an ear are not nonconsequental). I’m missing the top joints of 3 fingers due to an accident. I would feel a bond if I met a man who’d suffered something similar. There are things that we would relate to that others would know nothing about and wouldn’t understand. If he also shared my interests in politics and theater and we had chemistry, I might choose him over post sm lover.
It’s nice that you had the courage to follow up with you and she was nice enough to tell you her reason.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 16, 2018 9:42:48 GMT -5
Yeah - that might be why she was cagey, she liked you, but she just liked this other guy better but it was too 'early days' to say that exactly when she wasn't sure how it was gonna pan out with the other guy. Sometimes people click over odd things.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2018 10:56:35 GMT -5
This experience, reminds me of the days of dealing with my rejector, in my SM. Never getting an honest answer to the 'why?" question. Then dealing with the self blame.
It felt like taking an exam, answering all the questions, and then never getting back your score, or seeing what you got right and what you got wrong.
The past few weeks I have been doing an online study course for my CDL exam and all my endorsements. What makes it helpful is you get a review after each test. You get told your score, what questions you missed ( if any) and which answer is the correct one. Then you can review it. Even the DMV office did that. You are told if your answer is correct or incorrect, how many you have missed and how much time you have left. You can skip a question and then go back to it in the end. You receive clarification. (Sometimes, one answer is simply MORE correct than the other)
When the times come for me to pass or fail someone I want to offer that person an honest ( yet humble and caring) clarification, if they want to hear it.
This also brings up the touchy subject of " how much information do you share when meeting someone?" I'll be learning that one, on my own for a long time!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2018 11:19:08 GMT -5
gC said:”his experience, reminds me of the days of dealing with my rejector, in my SM. Never getting an honest answer to the 'why?" question. Then dealing with the self blame.”
I think she was honest. You are refusing to believe. However if you were referring to her initial response, that may have bern true. She may have been too busy to see you since she wasn’t as interested in you. Most people let others down softly. They also may not have completely thought out whether they want to pursue a particular romance. If someone gives repeated excuses not to see you, they aren’t that interested. Move on.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2018 11:58:32 GMT -5
gC said:”his experience, reminds me of the days of dealing with my rejector, in my SM. Never getting an honest answer to the 'why?" question. Then dealing with the self blame.” I think she was honest. You are refusing to believe. However if you were referring to her initial response, that may have bern true. She may have been too busy to see you since she wasn’t as interested in you. Most people let others down softly. They also may not have completely thought out whether they want to pursue a particular romance. If someone gives repeated excuses not to see you, they aren’t that interested. Move on. You missed my point. I blamed myself a lot. Just rehashing it this past month and wondering the "why?". The clarification helps me to move on. Also to not give up and wallow in self blame. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2018 12:35:11 GMT -5
Ah, GC, I get it now. It was courageous of you to contact her and offer her a chance to explain. You also must have done it in a way that made her feel comfortable.
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Post by saarinista on Nov 29, 2018 22:20:27 GMT -5
gC said:”his experience, reminds me of the days of dealing with my rejector, in my SM. Never getting an honest answer to the 'why?" question. Then dealing with the self blame.” I think she was honest. You are refusing to believe. However if you were referring to her initial response, that may have bern true. She may have been too busy to see you since she wasn’t as interested in you. Most people let others down softly. They also may not have completely thought out whether they want to pursue a particular romance. If someone gives repeated excuses not to see you, they aren’t that interested. Move on. You missed my point. I blamed myself a lot. Just rehashing it this past month and wondering the "why?". The clarification helps me to move on. Also to not give up and wallow in self blame. Easier said than done, and do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do, but please-try not to blame yourself, rehash or wonder why someone preferred someone else over you. They may or may not know, your knowing "the truth" if they even know it themselves won't help you find a new partner, and trying to change yourself to be more attractive is a bad idea, I think. You've been divorced a short period of time. Again, I know it's difficult, but try not to push the river. In general, we are all deserving of love for what we are. Sure, be the best you you can be, but I think you can end up with the wrong person if you try to change yourself to be more attractive to them, if it feels wrong to you. Now if you improve yourself in ways that feel AUTHENTIC to you and then those changes also make you more attractive to women, I say that's great. But changing in major ways just to attract someone else is a bad idea IMHO. Who can live that way forever? You want someone you feel comfortable with, not someone you have to be an actor to please. |
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