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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 10, 2018 21:12:23 GMT -5
Greetings!
I wanted to share a recent experience.
A friend ,who knows all about my SM, introduced me to a friend of his. A woman for me to date.To keep it short, I thought" I'll meet her and let her meet me, I need all the practice I can get."
Now comes "first impressions". Physically, (pardon my blunt honesty) I was not wowed, but she is a short, curvy, woman. She is from Italy.
I liked her personality, her style, and for the most part, plenty of attractive things about her. Very easy to speak with.
AND she touched me. A lot! as we spoke. (would that make you happy? What would you think about that?) Nice polite touches, a hand on my arm, on my leg, on my shoulder. Something like a dozen+ times.
It just so happens that I am no longer "available , time wise" like before. I am travelling all week for the next several weeks. (home on the weekend) If anything I had a feeling of " we could be friends".
Well, through our phone conversations, she let me know, she wanted more than just " being a friend" and that she likes sex, A LOT!
She broke up with her 'boyfriend' of 4 years a few months ago. Before that she got divorced from her physically abusive H.
I've got to tell you, some of this is still all new territory for me!
We had a nice dinner together. She started to get out of the car, and I tell her "you need to wait for me". I come around and get her door and her hand. It's SO nice to have someone who really appreciates that, and thanks you for it!
I chose a place that neither of us had been to before. That made it even more special.
Side note: I find myself wondering if I am overly aware of advance moves and aggression, after so many years of rejection?
I ask her " do you want to sit in the chair or in the booth?" ( across from each other)
Without a moment's hesitation, she says " you sit beside me".
Her hand is on my leg and her leg is up against mine. I doubt I am the only one in this group that rejoices over being treated this way? It makes me feel like I am being desired! Naturally I want to give that back.
There was plenty of positive communication. More sharing about families and backgrounds.
I had already asked permission about how we were going to spend our evening. That included returning to my place, which I had all to myself.
Now ,what some might call a pushy, controlling woman, I found to be someone who tactfully, and in a classy manner let me know she wanted a night of sex and intimacy!
After my years of drought and vanilla, it doesn't take much to have " new experiences". Very memorable ones. I so welcome them!
We plan on seeing each other again this weekend.
If I knew a polite way to talk about it ,I would. We both have very different approaches to what we want , or should I just say , she likes it rough, and I like it slow, soft and gentle.
Perhaps a new 'welcomed' set of problems? I look forward to being honest and communicating about it. Here's to new beginnings!
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 11, 2018 8:56:03 GMT -5
This might be just the woman to break through that sexually repressed shell you were confined to for the last several decades. Exploring new territory with a willing and eager partner was always something I enjoyed, as long as she didn't show up wearing a strap-on. Owwwwww…..
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 11, 2018 11:03:04 GMT -5
Sounds like a great experience. Congrats! I do suggest getting tested and asking partners to get std tested. Folks 50+ are among those in which std rates are high. That’s because pregnancy risks are low or nonexistent so many don’t bother using condoms. FWIW I I got tested and insisted that post sm lover do the same before we had sex.then, I insisted on condoms for several months til I felt I could trust him to be monogamous. I’d said I’d have sex only as part of a monogamous relationship. Stds can be lethal. I do my best not to risk one.
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2018 14:53:24 GMT -5
Remember back to December 2015 Brother greatcoastal and the set of problems you were then dealing with. Then fast-forward back to now, December 2018 and the problems you are presently dealing with. You sure have "traded up" don't you think ? I think you have done marvelously well.....as you will with 'the next' set of problems life will throw your way. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 12, 2018 22:42:42 GMT -5
Remember back to December 2015 Brother greatcoastal and the set of problems you were then dealing with. Then fast-forward back to now, December 2018 and the problems you are presently dealing with. You sure have "traded up" don't you think ? I think you have done marvelously well.....as you will with 'the next' set of problems life will throw your way. Very nicely stated baza ! I was able to make it back home the other evening, so I called ahead. We went out for dinner, and brought it back to my house. I actually got a second date! ( some of my first experiences, now looking back, seemed really hokey-for all kinds of reasons) She seemed very eager and ready to have sex. I felt a bit, like it was being pushed on me. I'm not saying that I am right or wrong, but I still want and need more intimacy first. I asked her to sit on the couch with me. She gladly snuggled up beside me. Shortly afterwards I asked her to" put her feet down on the other end of the couch and lay back on my lap." I put the couch pillows up under her head. I wanted to hold her, see her face, stroke her hair, her face, and enjoy more conversation and her presence. A time to relax and not feel as much tension. Dating for me, is still loaded with feelings of tension. Now comes the part where I rejoice in hearing her tell me," no one has ever held me like that, no one has ever asked me to sit like that, I like it so much, you treat me so special!" She likes quality time and gives back physical touch! What a wonderful feeling of giving and receiving!! I know so many of us value the simplest of moments like that, and want someone who will value it too! She told me tonight, " you are the only man who has ever opened doors for me, the way you do". How wonderful to hear words of affirmation, along with receiving touch! Well... those kind of things just floor me! They make me realize how much I gave, and did for my ex, and it was all taken for granted. So many of you have the same story. There could be so many other wonderful things to share . ( i'm a bit pressed for time tonight) lastly, and this one surprised me- we had a morning shower together. She tells me " I've never had someone wash my body for me before, like you did". That's one of those - that's sad, and at the same time I am so glad to be able to give that to her!! And recieve back from it as well! So YES it's examples like that that definitely feel like a trade up!! Then, sometimes I wonder... did I compliment my ex W enough? like I am certainly doing now , with someone else? How much of this will last? From me to her and vica versa? Then I realize how many of my compliments (and acts of service) went unrecognized and where never good enough? Hopefully I know enough to not be overly smitten, in the beginning. While continuing with an understanding that there can be those "fireworks" in the beginning. And to also know that many of these positives can remain, by someone who does these things naturally, and not as a form of manipulation and control. Pressing forward, and constantly learning by taking action!! |
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 13, 2018 4:32:15 GMT -5
"Then, sometimes I wonder... did I compliment my ex W enough? like I am certainly doing now? How much of this will last? From me to her and vica versa? Then I realize how many of y compliments (and acts of service) went unrecognized and where never good enough?"
I think we all continue to do post-mortems as we transition into dating and new relationships. Some of our own 'improved' behaviour is learning, getting older, having more experience of what we might have done better the first time around. But this goes back to the 'coke machine' analogy. You can keep shoving in quarters but you're still getting nothing out. My partner points out that two takers might be able to set up a dynamic tension that works. But a giver and a taker can't work. For a long time it does, but then the giver gets burned out. In my present relationship, my giving doesn't get burned out because it's always rewarded with appreciation (and more giving from him!). So yes, sure, there were times I could have been nicer to my ex and there were times when I slipped below my own niceness comfort level.
We are still only about 18-19 months into our relationship, so maybe we're still on 'good' behaviour. But the level of good behaviour we have is very high. It's nice.
In terms of your physical reaction to her - I know that you were quite keen to have someone on the smaller side? Is this because you're genuinely not attracted to curvier women (and we all have our own tastes and preferences) or because it's NOT like your ex. When I first went out with my partner I saw similarities in him to my ex. They are both quite geeky. They are both on the slim side. They have similar jobs! It initially put me off because the last thing I wanted was a repeat of the past. My ex even spotted the similarities - but they are sooooo different. My new guy is in fact better looking but he's also so much kinder and nicer. And he's very physical.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2018 18:22:43 GMT -5
"Then, sometimes I wonder... did I compliment my ex W enough? like I am certainly doing now? How much of this will last? From me to her and vica versa? Then I realize how many of y compliments (and acts of service) went unrecognized and where never good enough?" I think we all continue to do post-mortems as we transition into dating and new relationships. Some of our own 'improved' behaviour is learning, getting older, having more experience of what we might have done better the first time around. But this goes back to the 'coke machine' analogy. You can keep shoving in quarters but you're still getting nothing out. My partner points out that two takers might be able to set up a dynamic tension that works. But a giver and a taker can't work. For a long time it does, but then the giver gets burned out. In my present relationship, my giving doesn't get burned out because it's always rewarded with appreciation (and more giving from him!). So yes, sure, there were times I could have been nicer to my ex and there were times when I slipped below my own niceness comfort level. We are still only about 18-19 months into our relationship, so maybe we're still on 'good' behaviour. But the level of good behaviour we have is very high. It's nice. In terms of your physical reaction to her - I know that you were quite keen to have someone on the smaller side? Is this because you're genuinely not attracted to curvier women (and we all have our own tastes and preferences) or because it's NOT like your ex. When I first went out with my partner I saw similarities in him to my ex. They are both quite geeky. They are both on the slim side. They have similar jobs! It initially put me off because the last thing I wanted was a repeat of the past. My ex even spotted the similarities - but they are sooooo different. My new guy is in fact better looking but he's also so much kinder and nicer. And he's very physical. It may be too early to tell, but I certainly feel that there is a high, equal level of giving and receiving going on. Something that i was very open about from the beginning. I use those words ( giving and receiving) A LOT and continue to point it out, in a thankful , complimentary manor. ( I love the coke machine analogy) Physical reaction to her? That's a tough one. That may take some time to feel safe or comfortable with. Knowing what's right or wrong. I do know that me being sexually stimulated enough is not a problem. I know that there are many 'factors' involved in what really makes a person attractive. Attitude , self esteem, and background are all big factors. What their needs are , what pleases them, and how open they are to receiving it (quality and quantity). The other day we where together eating out. I found myself looking at her face. What else do I see? Another woman sitting at the booth behind ours.. An employee, she's close to my age and really thin. After being with a curvy woman this 'thin' woman looks almost too thin. ( none of those thoughts are permanent, or in stone, I want to remain open minded about it. It's simply a preference) Yes she is more like my ex physically, only better, much better, in every....area! And she's very physical. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 17, 2018 18:43:17 GMT -5
It’s nice to read about your adventures in Opposite Land. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you the best.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2018 15:19:18 GMT -5
Opposite land is turning out to be a narrow dirt road in the middle of the country with no signs, no lights, no markers. Just a few tire marks from a previous traveler. However, it is a through pathway, it is no longer a dead end ,one way street with no room to turn around or no room to back up, like my SM was. For that I am grateful. For the vast majority of you that read this I truly understand if you really DON'T care too much for juicy details about new found sex, and how PERFECT it is! Allow me to be the first to say, " it aint perfect". In fact it feels like getting a steak dinner after decades of eating prison food. It will probably not sit very well with you, and it will take some time to get used to again. Having someone who is open to this, willing to take time, and willing to communicate is making a WORLD of difference! My new lover openly offered to help pay for our eating out. I have cooked dinners for both of us. She is already making plans for cooking for me next week. There have been wonderful times of open communication!! Just the two of us sitting on my couch. " Let me ask you some personal questions. Have you watched porn? Do you like certain kinds of porn? Do you learn from it? Do you like some bondage? Do you like gifts? Do you appreciate a surprise gift? Do you like flowers? Do you like having candles, warm towels, music? Do you own a vibrator? Do you like sexy lingerie? ( I already know the answer to that one  ] So many things that where crazily a taboo subject ,in the past, for far too many years! I have also had to openly say, " not so much of that, it begins to hurt, please do this, i like that much better". I am learning to receive by asking for what I want. It is received in the kindest of ways. Such a difference from the past!! With that said....my situation could be looked at as a bowl of lemons, and I am trying to make lemonade. My kids are with me every other week. That does leave me with the house all to myself the week they are with their mother. My new lover rents a room in a house with two elderly people. They are against her having company over. My new lover has a 30 year old daughter with a 4 yr old. Her daughter can't keep a job, is into drugs, and is stealing from her and wanting money. You can bet I am teaching her and encouraging her to have BOUNDARIES, and no longer allow her daughter to run over them like a tank. She changed the locks on her door yesterday..progress!! My new lover cleans houses for a living. She owns her own business, she charges a high price. One of her customers owns a condo on the beach, overlooking the Atlantic. My new lover has a great relationship with her customers. They are all older women who seem to be in SM's. They are in love with their money and control. She is constantly having to listen to them and council them while trying to work. They ALL want to meet me and hear all about our time together. She's not telling them much. Her client tells her , stay at my condo, spend the night, invite your boyfriend over!! Guess where I am going tonight? I was kind of looking forward to a week away. You know... absence makes the heart grow fonder. let's not rush into things, etc... Especially after 3 straight days together. My own daughters are very curious. "Dad who were you talking too? Who is this friend of yours? Are you going to be alone at Christmas? No I am not going to be alone at Christmas, neither will my new lover. I am contemplating telling my teenage daughters about that. Just the minimum basics. Side note: I think my daughters will be happy for me. I don't want to manipulate them, by having them feel sorry for me being alone on a holiday. ( we have Christmas eve together) They told me " Mom is already feeling very lonely, this will be her first Christmas without her daddy, she wants us kids to be there". That really ticks me off!! HELLO! It's also the first Christmas for my kids, without their father being there, my ex without a H, and yet the ex is showing her manipulation, by being self absorbed about missing her daddy. She brought all of this onto herself, and yet my teens still feel they have to rescue her. Me, I am much more concerned that me and my daughters have a happy memorable evening. I'll be receiving my favorite kind of gift Christmas day, one you can't buy in a store! All a new journey down an unmarked road. ( I am doing my best to not be loved bombed or sucked into ignoring red flags that I would have normally seen. It's nice to be nice, but I will not be a doormat) |
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Post by baza on Dec 20, 2018 22:01:35 GMT -5
Brother greatcoastal . I rather like this current raft of problems and choices you are dealing with. They are somewhat preferable to the raft of problems and choices you had in your ILIASM shithole a while back. I think your full run of stories (like Brother shamwow and others) chronicling your journey forward is a great resource for the membership, and how informed choice - difficult and all as it is - can propel you forward. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 23, 2018 17:02:40 GMT -5
Greetings!
My new girlfriend and I had a quick dinner and went to see a movie this past Fri.
The movie was " Welcome to Marwen" A great story! personally I really liked the movie, I'll remember it for a long time.
For me going to a movie again with a new partner had two parts to it. All part of the 'recovery process' of escaping a SM.
1st) The sadness. Facing the reality of all of those wasted years. Years of falsely believing, movies are a waste of money, ( I can remember my ex's exact words " why waste all that money at a theater, just wait a while and we can rent it, it's cheaper". That rarely happened) my ex would not even want to talk about the movie after it's over, my ex would no longer give or receive any physical contact. My ex would always do her best to bring the kids along ,and sit with them.
Years of thinking that this is the normal. Rarely even considering that "I don't have to tolerate this, I could find someone else who would value my presence ,and give back to me".
2nd) The joy! Having someone who thanks you, and appreciates you, just for your presence! Someone who acts very proud to be seen with you, and there's no daylight between you as you walk into the theater together.
Someone who wants to sit in the back row, (like being a teenager again)
Someone who leans their head on you, has their hand on your leg, and their other hand on your chest.
Someone who wants the movie to be over with, so you can have even more intimate times together!
Someone who actually wants to talk all about the good parts of the movie, and wants to listen to your opinions about the movie.
Someone who wants you to wear looser clothing, the next time!
I do take the time to tell my new partner " Do you know how much this means to me? I haven't had someone want to touch me, sit close with me, be seen with me. It really means a lot to me, thank you!"
It means a lot to her as well. She had years of rejection and physical abuse.
Here's to new beginnings, and appreciating the little things by shining your spotlight on them, and showing your appreciation for them. through words of affirmation, touch, and spending quality time together.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 24, 2018 9:10:38 GMT -5
gC, so lovely hearing how your life has changed!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 24, 2018 15:55:16 GMT -5
gC, so lovely hearing how your life has changed! Thank you very much!! I also look back on the first few people I went out with after my divorce. it's suffice to say, maybe it wasn't my fault, that things ended so quickly? The more I learn ,from other people ,about why that person ended things with me, and upset everyone else around them, the more secure I feel about myself. I can't imagine my approach and personality changed ( improved or grew) that much in such a short amount of time, and from my limited experiences. However I am learning and adapting with my current relationship, by learning how to adjust to being accepted and desired. Not a bad problem to have, but still a learning experience. I am also being placed in more of a controlling position. Hopefully an equal, shared, amount of giving , receiving and communicating.. More of a new avenue filled with less codependency and filled with more natural self esteem. |
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Post by sadkat on Dec 24, 2018 16:32:18 GMT -5
GC: I am very happy for you! You’ve traveled a very challenging journey. It’s about time you enjoyed life a little bit. Your posts already sound upbeat and much more positive. It’s amazing how a little bit of real affection can change one’s outlook. I wish you all the best with this new relationship!
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2018 9:02:14 GMT -5
Love the new updates!!!  |
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