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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2018 9:52:49 GMT -5
Thank you. I work for a lawyer. I have twice before presented him with dissolution papers which I drafted myself and he signed. Sadly, all I need to do is update the date and a few minor things. A session with my therapist will be scheduled for sure. Whynotme3: If you are serious about divorce, see a lawyer ASAP. I also suggest individual therapy to provide support and clarification of what you want. Line these things up now. The holiday season means it may take weeks to get an appointment. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 23:01:33 GMT -5
Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder. @whynotm3, sometimes I take a counter position to some of the other members here. I've been on this forum and it's predecessor for maybe 8 years. There have been a few that came back here regretting their decision after a year or more. Some over a year post-divorce. Some have gone back to their sexless marriages. I'm 5 months officially out of my marriage -- after a contentious 1 year divorce process -- and I can't say I'm particularly thrilled with my decision at this point. My x-wife is as hateful and asexual as any of the spouses here. I have more friends -- real and close friends -- than I ever have as an adult. Business is a boomin'. My health is good, and at 55, I'm doing better at measueable athletic endeavors than last year or the year before. I've grown tremendously psychologically and spiritually (although I still have a lot of healing to do). I feel good. But, losing my family sucks. Spending "Time" with my kids just isn't the same as living with them. I even miss my dog. Picking her up for a walk pales to having her around all the time. I've considered whether or not I regret divorcing my wife. Would I divorce her again if I knew then what I know now? I think I had to divorce her. Things were horrible and getting worse. But I do wish there was another way. I miss my family. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 9:23:27 GMT -5
@ CreelUnion ... that sucks, totally, and I sorry to hear. That's the side I don't / won't have to deal with should I chose to end my marriage. The kids (we're a blended family) stay with me, the house is mine, he just leaves and there wouldn't have to be any connecting ties. I'm enduring that nightmare with my kids' dad, though that marriage ended 10 years ago, so I do get the concept. With this, my 2nd husband, it could be a clean break, unless my step(bonus) daughter chose to keep in touch with me. Considering she's about to be a mama for the first time, making me a grandma for the first time, I'd love to stay in touch and a part of her life, but it isn't mandatory as in your situation or in the situation with my two and their dad. All that aside, I think you've made my point. In the end we all want happiness and peace - at whatever cost, those are musts for us. You had a choice to make, hard as it was, but you chose peace. In the end, I believe, it's best for the kids, too. As parents we set the example for them of what a happy adult / happy marriage should be. Staying in a miserable / unhealthy situation (while it seems on the surface to be best) often times is not. I feel for you and hope in time it gets easier. Sometimes in a no win situation we just have to hope we've made the right choice and find whatever joy and peace we can find. Life is far too short to be miserable. (((hugs)))
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Post by timeforliving2 on Dec 18, 2018 14:57:56 GMT -5
Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder. Just saw this as well as your follow up post (also above) that the last straw snapped. Sorry to hear that but sounds like it was inevitable. Amazing that he didn't change when you gave him divorce papers 2 times earlier. With respect to our own happiness... and your question above... "What am I willing to accept and not accept?".... Here is a meme that resonated with me a few years ago.
TL2
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 15:03:53 GMT -5
Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder. Just saw this as well as your follow up post (also above) that the last straw snapped. Sorry to hear that but sounds like it was inevitable. Amazing that he didn't change when you gave him divorce papers 2 times earlier. With respect to our own happiness... and your question above... "What am I willing to accept and not accept?".... Here is a meme that resonated with me a few years ago.
TL2
We ALWAYS have a choice, right? We may not like those choices, but we have them. I refuse to be a victim. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Dec 18, 2018 16:21:30 GMT -5
Just saw this as well as your follow up post (also above) that the last straw snapped. Sorry to hear that but sounds like it was inevitable. Amazing that he didn't change when you gave him divorce papers 2 times earlier. With respect to our own happiness... and your question above... "What am I willing to accept and not accept?".... Here is a meme that resonated with me a few years ago.
TL2
We ALWAYS have a choice, right? We may not like those choices, but we have them. I refuse to be a victim. That's exactly right. Even "do nothing" / accepting the status quo is a choice. It is so much more empowering to reframe the situation and take control of it... especially situations we can no longer accept.
TL2
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 16:29:26 GMT -5
Amen! We ALWAYS have a choice, right? We may not like those choices, but we have them. I refuse to be a victim. That's exactly right. Even "do nothing" / accepting the status quo is a choice. It is so much more empowering to reframe the situation and take control of it... especially situations we can no longer accept.
TL2
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Post by baza on Dec 18, 2018 17:16:36 GMT -5
Really, you've got a choice.
#1 - you stay in your ILIASM situation and deal with the mainly intractable problems that involves.
#2 - you leave your ILIASM situation and deal with the mainly manageable problems involved in being a single person.
What you don't get (and no-one gets) is an option that results in you living a problem free life.
Which set of problems would you sooner have ?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 18:27:07 GMT -5
I understand what @creelunion is feeling. As bad as my marriage was, I feel it too at times. I still love my ex. But I can honestly say we are both happier now that we’re divorced and living apart. We truly get along better than ever. Do I still wish I had my family? Someone to hug me occasionally and sometimes be the first to make the coffee? Hell yes. But the drinking and the open disdain? No, glad those are gone.
It’s not all roses on the other side. But there is hope here. For both my ex and I. Worst case scenario? We buy adjoining condos one day. Best case? My king comes along and I leave mediocrity behind.
Time will tell. And until then? I’m honestly... happy. For the first time in a long time.
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Post by caballotierra on Dec 23, 2018 21:09:21 GMT -5
@creelunion I feel your pain. It was why I held out hope for so long. I figured that even living in my situation was preferrable because it meant i got to live with my kids every day. Now I've made the decision to leave, and I know I am going to miss them. Hell, I am going to miss my wife. And that's a crazy thing to admit. I definitely relate with @elle and living in a situation where a parter flaunts "drinking and open disdain" for me. Especially once I stopped drinking. It was like I broke a secret that we were supposed to share.
The things I really miss are the feelings of acceptance and companionship. And some days I wonder if I made that up too. I'm not sure that my new life is going to be any better. It might be just as hard, and more lonesome. Sometimes it feels that way. But other times I hear her snap at the kids or turn from neutral to openly combative in the blink of an eye and I am reminded at the peace I will have.
@creelunion I guess starting in honesty is the best place to start. It doesn't feel good. But keep in mind that those feelings won't ever actually hurt you. If you let yourself feel them and acknowledge them, it will hurt like hell...but it won't kill you. Sit with it, make peace, and see if it starts to lessen. It has for me anyway. I hate feeling lonely, still. But I don't actively avoid it anymore or feel afraid of it. It's okay for me to feel sad. And I remember that none of this is forever.
Also, maybe get a new dog?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2018 5:10:27 GMT -5
@creelunion I feel your pain. It was why I held out hope for so long. I figured that even living in my situation was preferrable because it meant i got to live with my kids every day. Now I've made the decision to leave, and I know I am going to miss them. Hell, I am going to miss my wife. And that's a crazy thing to admit. I definitely relate with @elle and living in a situation where a parter flaunts "drinking and open disdain" for me. Especially once I stopped drinking. It was like I broke a secret that we were supposed to share. The things I really miss are the feelings of acceptance and companionship. And some days I wonder if I made that up too. I'm not sure that my new life is going to be any better. It might be just as hard, and more lonesome. Sometimes it feels that way. But other times I hear her snap at the kids or turn from neutral to openly combative in the blink of an eye and I am reminded at the peace I will have. @creelunion I guess starting in honesty is the best place to start. It doesn't feel good. But keep in mind that those feelings won't ever actually hurt you. If you let yourself feel them and acknowledge them, it will hurt like hell...but it won't kill you. Sit with it, make peace, and see if it starts to lessen. It has for me anyway. I hate feeling lonely, still. But I don't actively avoid it anymore or feel afraid of it. It's okay for me to feel sad. And I remember that none of this is forever. Also, maybe get a new dog? I looked at your brief history here. Your circumstance could be very similar to mine. Merry Christmas. I'm on the south coast of England this Christmas, visiting my brother and his beautiful/SOLID family. This is better than being alone back home. But it's tough. Last year I was in the middle of the divorce process and my brother was put off for me not traveling to be with him. Strange he couldn't understand my difficulty seeing him and his beautiful family while I was losing mine . No Dog. Those are for families that can care for them. Not for single men. |
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Post by isthisit on Dec 25, 2018 10:41:04 GMT -5
Welcome to the UK @creelunion I hope you enjoy your stay here. If you can try to get out and about. A long time ago I briefly lived on the south coast, it’s a nice part of the world. Not as nice as the north obviously, but nice enough. If you are near enough the S Downs are lovely.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2018 13:50:40 GMT -5
Welcome to the UK @creelunion I hope you enjoy your stay here. If you can try to get out and about. A long time ago I briefly lived on the south coast, it’s a nice part of the world. Not as nice as the north obviously, but nice enough. If you are near enough the S Downs are lovely. Thank You! I'm very much enjoying my stay! My brother has a homes in London and Charmouth, Dorset. I'm in Charmouth till Friday. He's lived or had homes here for nearly 30 years now. I've visited many times. But this is the longest I've stayed on the coast. It is very nice here. He and his family are loads of fun. We have been swimming in the sea every day. This morning was the big Christmas swim. Hundreds turned out for it. A charity thing. |
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Post by flashjohn on Feb 27, 2019 15:39:03 GMT -5
Just a quick update!
Kim & I got married on 12/31/2018. We are very happy.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2019 17:02:16 GMT -5
Dude, you rush in here and tack an announcement like that onto a long thread???
CONGRATULATIONS!!
You married a hottie who loves you and loves sex and intimacy. Now that’s a happy ending!!!! Soooo happy for you!
(That announcement deserves a thread all its own!)
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Whynotme3: If you are serious about divorce, see a lawyer ASAP. I also suggest individual therapy to provide support and clarification of what you want. Line these things up now. The holiday season means it may take weeks to get an appointment.
