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Post by flashjohn on Aug 15, 2018 9:36:43 GMT -5
Don't worry flashjohn, I've done the same similar thing with my wife. I've finally decided it's time to free myself. I'm working on my exit plan now. You're story encourages me as I'm 30 years into this marriage and am close to your age, so your story gives me hope that I will find someone as exciting as you did.
And the religious issues that you're blogged about are the same ones for me too. When I finally have all the pieces in place and I execute my exit plan, it will be interesting to see the church's reaction. Will they support or shun? I'm guessing I'll get both. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one in a SM in my congregation. But, of course, it's not spoken of either officially or amongst each other. And I think it's going to shake a few couples up as well.
I hope you post your story here as you are living it. It was very cathartic for me, and I like to go back and see how far I have come.
I did end up stop going to my church. My refuser kept going there, and she was badmouthing me to others, and I did not want to get into a confrontation, so I left. I am enjoying the new church where I go now.
I still have a fantasy where a minister will someday preach a sermon saying that refusing sex in marriage is sinful. However, I am not holding my breath.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 16, 2018 0:22:15 GMT -5
Don't worry flashjohn, I've done the same similar thing with my wife. I've finally decided it's time to free myself. I'm working on my exit plan now. You're story encourages me as I'm 30 years into this marriage and am close to your age, so your story gives me hope that I will find someone as exciting as you did.
And the religious issues that you're blogged about are the same ones for me too. When I finally have all the pieces in place and I execute my exit plan, it will be interesting to see the church's reaction. Will they support or shun? I'm guessing I'll get both. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one in a SM in my congregation. But, of course, it's not spoken of either officially or amongst each other. And I think it's going to shake a few couples up as well.
I hope you post your story here as you are living it. It was very cathartic for me, and I like to go back and see how far I have come.
I did end up stop going to my church. My refuser kept going there, and she was badmouthing me to others, and I did not want to get into a confrontation, so I left. I am enjoying the new church where I go now.
I still have a fantasy where a minister will someday preach a sermon saying that refusing sex in marriage is sinful. However, I am not holding my breath.
I will keep everyone that is interested posted. I will update "My Status" post occasionally as things are happening in preparation for this trip. I was encouraged by your story about your new girlfriend and how wonderful and fulfilling you both feel. I loved seeing the picture of you two also. You couldn't hide those smiles even if you tried. 
Like you said, I'd be happy if I find someone who likes sex at least once a day. Anything more than that is just icing that would almost too wonderful to believe. but I'm ready for it to happen. I've got almost 20 years of sexlessness to catch up on and I'm looking forward to sharing my love, passion and desire with someone who has a strong love, passion and desire.
I'm also very encouraged by choosinghappy also. And by shamwow and boc's story.
I sure look forward to sharing that kind of hot story soon. I'm still looking for her wherever she is. That's what drives me to push myself on every day.
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Post by csl on Aug 16, 2018 12:14:13 GMT -5
I still have a fantasy where a minister will someday preach a sermon saying that refusing sex in marriage is sinful. However, I am not holding my breath.
I guess I can fulfill at least one of your fantasies (certainly don't want to know about any others.) Ron Stauffer, of Leesburg (FL) Calvary Chapel, May 16, 2016: Marriage and Sex, Singleness and Celibacy. The time code for this website works backwards, counting down to zero, instead of starting from zero, but you will find such gems as these: At 16.12 left: on depriving and defrauding (for KJ fans), "Paul calls it sin. 'I have control over this body and I refuse to yield it to you.'" - Ron calls this action sin. He continued, "When we don't render this [sex] to each other, you are defrauding the other person. We are actually stealing, we become thieves. By withholding our bodies, we are actually stealing something from our spouse." At 14.40 left, he begins addressing the gatekeeping aspect, and finishes it up with this (non-Christians, please don't get your knickers in a knot; don't like it, don't listen.): According to Paul, the only exception to sexual willingness is a mutually-agreed, SHORT, period of time for prayer and fasting. Of course, this is not the first sermon he ever preached on sex to his church. He did one a year earlier: God's Design For Sex. |
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 16, 2018 16:52:17 GMT -5
I still have a fantasy where a minister will someday preach a sermon saying that refusing sex in marriage is sinful. However, I am not holding my breath.
I guess I can fulfill at least one of your fantasies (certainly don't want to know about any others.) Ron Stauffer, of Leesburg (FL) Calvary Chapel, May 16, 2016: Marriage and Sex, Singleness and Celibacy. The time code for this website works backwards, counting down to zero, instead of starting from zero, but you will find such gems as these: At 16.12 left: on depriving and defrauding (for KJ fans), "Paul calls it sin. 'I have control over this body and I refuse to yield it to you.'" - Ron calls this action sin. He continued, "When we don't render this [sex] to each other, you are defrauding the other person. We are actually stealing, we become thieves. By withholding our bodies, we are actually stealing something from our spouse." At 14.40 left, he begins addressing the gatekeeping aspect, and finishes it up with this (non-Christians, please don't get your knickers in a knot; don't like it, don't listen.): According to Paul, the only exception to sexual willingness is a mutually-agreed, SHORT, period of time for prayer and fasting. Of course, this is not the first sermon he ever preached on sex to his church. He did one a year earlier: God's Design For Sex. Thanks. I appreciate you thinking about me. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2018 19:46:42 GMT -5
baza basically described my marriage as well. I'm making my exit now. i will let you all know how it goes on the other side. I will say, though, I initially found the ILIASM community through a woman I eventually came to have an emotional affair with. And after we moved, I ended up meeting another woman who I also started connecting with. I have not been explicit with her about my feelings, but it made me realize that it was simply impossible for me to feel fulfilled in my marriage to a partner who refused emotional connection. I could either say in a torturous relationship for my entire life, or just get the fuck out. Here i go!
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2018 15:26:14 GMT -5
flashjohn, I am so happy you met someone that treats you well. Thanks for posting your story. It is a blueprint of life, bad and good. I thought 3x a week was high drive but 10 times over a week end, is unheard of to me! although on the honeymoon we tried it 3x one day but that didn't work for my bride.
elkclan2, 6x a day, that too sounds great. I never met anyone that was ever even once a day.
Bottom line, staying indicates nothing is going to get better and leaving has a potential of going well if 2 compatible people meet each other, which does happen but the odds seem low that it will happen for some people and in some situations.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 5, 2018 19:37:26 GMT -5
flashjohn, I am so happy you met someone that treats you well. Thanks for posting your story. It is a blueprint of life, bad and good. I thought 3x a week was high drive but 10 times over a week end, is unheard of to me! although on the honeymoon we tried it 3x one day but that didn't work for my bride.
elkclan2, 6x a day, that too sounds great. I never met anyone that was ever even once a day.
Bottom line, staying indicates nothing is going to get better and leaving has a potential of going well if 2 compatible people meet each other, which does happen but the odds seem low that it will happen for some people and in some situations.
Sometimes two compatible people meet after, and sometimes before. idgaf96 and I were both in our shithole marriages the first time we got together. Right now, she still has perhaps six years to go. Times. Oh. Our situation is still long distance, but when we can get together I can't even begin to describe the experience with a number. This has been a rough week for me, and I fully expect to end our session together drenched in sweat, minds blown by oxytocin, adrenalin, and endorphins, with every muscle in our bodies worked to exhaustion. |
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2018 20:02:45 GMT -5
ironhamster, while people are in SM, it is difficult for some people to dream about being with someone that is almost 75% compatible with their wants and needs. Just being with someone that wants 50% to 75% of what I like seems like a rare dream. I just read the fantasy thread and could only come up with some mild sexual situations, nothing like was written. Don't think for a minuet I have any weird ideas. I am mostly vanilla with a few toppings, nuts and sauces type wishes on the side. I never wanted relationships to be unequal so it has to be good for the other partner.
I fully expect to end our session together drenched in sweat, minds blown by oxytocin, adrenalin, and endorphins, with every muscle in our bodies worked to exhaustion.
That sounds so wonderful. Best wishes to both of you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2018 20:06:10 GMT -5
Honestly, I'm just realizing that most humans desire sex, like, regularly. Even when they're older than 30.
Had my head in the sand on that one. I guess it was easier that way!
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Post by Handy on Oct 5, 2018 20:12:17 GMT -5
EarthHorse
I'm just realizing that most humans desire sex, like, regularly. Even when they're older than 30.
Try doubling the age or am I am oddity. My W said "I should have ED at my age."
Read between the lines, she wasn't interested in anything physical. Shopping was more exciting.
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 6, 2018 10:16:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouraging story flashjohn. I’m almost 4 months divorced and feeling frustrated that I haven’t met a good match yet. (Yes, I’ve found FWBs, but I realized quickly that isn’t a situation that works for me. My heart gets involved.) Here’s hoping I get my happy ending, too. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2018 16:18:53 GMT -5
Surfergirl, before you were married, how long did you go between boyfriends? I can remember going as long as 18 months between real boyfriends, not casual relationships. Based on my experiences I think expecting to find a real romantic partner 4 months after divorcing seems unrealistic.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2018 17:00:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouraging story flashjohn . I’m almost 4 months divorced and feeling frustrated that I haven’t met a good match yet. (Yes, I’ve found FWBs, but I realized quickly that isn’t a situation that works for me. My heart gets involved.) Here’s hoping I get my happy ending, too. For persons who are capable of exploiting social technologies, I suspect that intervals between meaningful relationships have diminished significantly. However, these technologies may also have shortened the intervals between frustrating disappointments. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 6, 2018 17:52:49 GMT -5
"For persons who are capable of exploiting social technologies, I suspect that intervals between meaningful relationships have diminished significantly. However, these technologies may also have shortened the intervals between frustrating disappointment"
I have friends who do Internet dating and I still see it takes them a while to find a meaningful relationship. It's not easy finding a person who is a compatible romantic partner. The people whom I see quickly getting into relationships aren't very picky. I suggest not using them to measure your dating success/
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 6, 2018 21:19:54 GMT -5
I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP.
Sometimes I do the cutting, but somehow, it still HURTS very deeply. I don't understand the callousness of the current dating scene. And I don't mean messaging..... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting.
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