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Post by javba on Oct 6, 2018 22:25:25 GMT -5
I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP. Sometimes I do the cutting, but somehow, it still HURTS very deeply. I don't understand the callousness of the current dating scene. And I don't mean messaging..... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting. It's tough I agree Luv yourself FIRST If they're not during the bill why'd you spend additional time. I hear websites that do matching based on interests such as match.com may have better results. Post SM is hard, but Would you rather be back? World gets shallower by the minute, meaning takes time. We're here to support you, 👍🏽 |
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Post by javba on Oct 6, 2018 22:26:41 GMT -5
I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP. Sometimes I do the cutting, but somehow, it still HURTS very deeply. I don't understand the callousness of the current dating scene. And I don't mean messaging..... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting. It's tough I agree Luv yourself FIRST If they're not during the bill why'd you spend additional time. I hear websites that do matching based on interests such as match.com may have better results. Post SM is hard, but Would you rather be back? World gets shallower by the minute, meaning takes time. We're here to support you, 👍🏽 Correction If they're not fitting the bill |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 6, 2018 23:38:17 GMT -5
.... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting. I've had the same experience, only with a woman. Then there is the other side of the coin. Someone who is putting themselves out there for a LTR, but the only communication they know is "there life is utterly purposeless. Your life is so full I don't think I could keep up. I've dealt with depression." It's VERY, very tempting to think " I can help this person" and end up doing all the giving again. You end up laying all your cards out on the table wanting honesty and trust. However they are still in a "fear mode" and are reluctant to show there cards, but they are doing online dating? You hope that you are much more aware of the "no receiving" aspect of the relationship, and end things appropriately and move forward. All a learning experience. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 7, 2018 7:49:19 GMT -5
“I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP.
Sometimes I do the cutting, but somehow, it still HURTS very deeply. I don't understand the callousness of the current dating scene. And I don't mean messaging..... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting. “
If you’ve had a series of such relationships in a few months, sounds like you are not taking the time to really know someone before having sex with them. If all you want is a one night stand then falling right into bed after a conversation or two will work out because if they quickly move on you’ve still gotten what you wanted.
If you want a long term romantic partner you need to take the time to check the person out - really get to know them and their values to ensure that what they want is in line with your needs, and who they appear to be really is who they are. Lots of people can put on a good act for one or two dates.
If what you are doing with guys is at first telling them the long sad story of your failed marriage while they listen sympathetically what you are doing is casting a net for those who will use you then move on. You are presenting yourself as a broken, hurt woman who tolerated years of mistreatment. That will attract predators who will view you as an easy person to lay by appearing to be sympathetic. You will have presented yourself as a valueless victim and they will treat you that way.
You married young and as a result you’ve missed out on lots of opportunities to explore yourself and your needs as an independent woman. Take the time now to do those things and you will develop self worth and happiness not based on having a man. Eventually that may lead to your getting into a relationship with a man who cherishes you and values you.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 7, 2018 13:20:35 GMT -5
“I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP. Sometimes I do the cutting, but somehow, it still HURTS very deeply. I don't understand the callousness of the current dating scene. And I don't mean messaging..... I mean, that once you've shared intimacy and stories and sex, and someone just WALKS AWAY without a goodbye, I really don't get the manners or PULSE of the current crop of men. It's disgusting. “ If you’ve had a series of such relationships in a few months, sounds like you are not taking the time to really know someone before having sex with them. If all you want is a one night stand then falling right into bed after a conversation or two will work out because if they quickly move on you’ve still gotten what you wanted. If you want a long term romantic partner you need to take the time to check the person out - really get to know them and their values to ensure that what they want is in line with your needs, and who they appear to be really is who they are. Lots of people can put on a good act for one or two dates. If what you are doing with guys is at first telling them the long sad story of your failed marriage while they listen sympathetically what you are doing is casting a net for those who will use you then move on. You are presenting yourself as a broken, hurt woman who tolerated years of mistreatment. That will attract predators who will view you as an easy person to lay by appearing to be sympathetic. You will have presented yourself as a valueless victim and they will treat you that way. You married young and as a result you’ve missed out on lots of opportunities to explore yourself and your needs as an independent woman. Take the time now to do those things and you will develop self worth and happiness not based on having a man. Eventually that may lead to your getting into a relationship with a man who cherishes you and values you. northstarmom, great advice. That advice can go for both men and women. |
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 11, 2018 9:35:11 GMT -5
I have no idea where you are getting this from. I don't even talk about my divorce to men I date, except to assure them I AM divorced. While I love and appreciate your feedback, your advice isn't really helpful if you're making stuff up about my life and behavior.
If you've been following my story, I started outsourcing in 2016. I haven't bedded 10 guys in the four months since my divorce.
Normally, I go out for drinks first before I jump his bones in the car on the way back. [wink]
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2018 9:45:56 GMT -5
SG said: “I met my ex at age 18 and married at 20. I have no experience when it comes to boyfriends. But I have a string of crash-and-burns from internet dating these past few months and from my AP”
I don’t know what you meant by a “string” of crash and burns in a “few” months but your choice of words indicates at least several.
I also don’t know what you meant about “intimate”conversations. That’s why I said “if” you have been mainly talking about your marriage which is what some do with dates after divorcing.
Take what’s useful advice. Leave the rest.
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Post by surfergirl on Oct 11, 2018 10:41:53 GMT -5
By intimate conversations, I mean just opening up your life and who you are and what you want. Not what kind of music I listen to or how I like "long walks on the beach". Getting past the surface. Bringing up the divorce is just a huge DOWNER on dates. Ideally, we are both on a date to MOVE ON in life, and it brings good energy to talk about where we are each going, not where we've been. I believe our past informs and shapes us, but that is for my therapist, not my Tinder dates.  |
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Post by flashjohn on Nov 5, 2018 11:35:10 GMT -5
isthisit this thread is my story. I hope it helps you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 12:15:38 GMT -5
Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 13, 2018 14:15:19 GMT -5
Someone who will take care of you when you are old? Most women outlive their husbands buy something like nine years. In your old age, you will be taking care of him. Is being with a man who doesn’t have sex with you but treats you reasonably well a good enough trade off for spending some of your golden years taking care of him while he is infirm? My mother was in a sexless marriage with my father. He had a stroke and she had to take care of him for about five years before he died. After that she was so depressed and tired that she spent the remaining years of her life longing to die peacefully in her sleep. Her experience is a big reason why I decided to divorce my husband. I have been divorced now for five years.I have never regretted it. A year after divorcing, my husband got kidney cancer. I am glad I was not still with him.
To help yourself make up your mind, I suggest consulting with a lawyer. That will help you figure out the financial costs and benefits of divorce for you.
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Post by baza on Dec 13, 2018 15:22:00 GMT -5
Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder. Personally, I have been a member of this group (and its' predecessor) for something near 9 years Sister @whynotm3 . In all that time I have never seen a member who left their ILIASM shithole come back here saying - "well that was a big mistake and I wish I was back in that situation". Sure, I've seen a few where the member has been 'left' for only a few weeks or a month or so and are second guessing their choice, but longer term (let's say 'out' by at least 6 months) there is practically no evidence of members being unhappier than they were in their ILIASM shithole. Indeed quite the reverse is the case. Your search for stories where the member regrets leaving is not turning up much you say. That's because there aren't any. This is NOT a recommendation that you charge off to the exit. It is simply an observation about this group gathered over a considerable number of years of how things tend to go for people. Take it for what it's worth (and with a grain of salt if you like) The choice for what YOU do, is YOURS and no-one elses. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2018 15:34:07 GMT -5
Understood completely and thank you! The honest feedback on here had been a blessing! Ironically, I was searching this site looking for stories of "regret" ... stories of anyone who left an otherwise fair to good marriage SOLELY because of the dead bedroom and regretted it. My husband is kind to me, but not remotely interested in sex with me. We are roommates. BUT, will I regret leaving a fair provider and someone who will care for me when I am old/ill, etc., for the chance at physical affection and love again? I wonder. I don't know. Reading through this thread I see there are often 'other' issues besides just the SM. Other issues of compatibility and friendship and genuine affection for one another. I must remember to consider ALL sides of the equation before making a final leave or stay decision. I'm sure someone regretted leaving such a situation, just as sure as I am some or many more had no regrets whatsoever. Finding that line for me has been such a struggle and continues to be. What am I willing to accept and not accept? No marriage is perfect, but what are my bottom line needs? So much to ponder. Personally, I have been a member of this group (and its' predecessor) for something near 9 years Sister @whynotm3 . In all that time I have never seen a member who left their ILIASM shithole come back here saying - "well that was a big mistake and I wish I was back in that situation". Sure, I've seen a few where the member has been 'left' for only a few weeks or a month or so and are second guessing their choice, but longer term (let's say 'out' by at least 6 months) there is practically no evidence of members being unhappier than they were in their ILIASM shithole. Indeed quite the reverse is the case. Your search for stories where the member regrets leaving is not turning up much you say. That's because there aren't any. This is NOT a recommendation that you charge off to the exit. It is simply an observation about this group gathered over a considerable number of years of how things tend to go for people. Take it for what it's worth (and with a grain of salt if you like) The choice for what YOU do, is YOURS and no-one elses. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 22:14:05 GMT -5
Thank you. For good or for bad the last straw snapped tonight. It's over. He's looking for a new place to live. I was humiliated for the last time and am, while a bit sad and shocked, oddly at peace with the decision. Someone who will take care of you when you are old? Most women outlive their husbands buy something like nine years. In your old age, you will be taking care of him. Is being with a man who doesn’t have sex with you but treats you reasonably well a good enough trade off for spending some of your golden years taking care of him while he is infirm? My mother was in a sexless marriage with my father. He had a stroke and she had to take care of him for about five years before he died. After that she was so depressed and tired that she spent the remaining years of her life longing to die peacefully in her sleep. Her experience is a big reason why I decided to divorce my husband. I have been divorced now for five years.I have never regretted it. A year after divorcing, my husband got kidney cancer. I am glad I was not still with him. To help yourself make up your mind, I suggest consulting with a lawyer. That will help you figure out the financial costs and benefits of divorce for you. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 15, 2018 9:44:48 GMT -5
Whynotme3: If you are serious about divorce, see a lawyer ASAP. I also suggest individual therapy to provide support and clarification of what you want. Line these things up now. The holiday season means it may take weeks to get an appointment.
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