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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2018 7:41:23 GMT -5
Almost certainly we would need counseling anyway if we were to have a shot. The nice part is we both now have a IDGAF attitude about telling the truth when something bothers us (obviously politely) rather than pretend nothing is wrong. For your sake, this approach sounds troubling? You are welcome to change the wording of your thoughts. Having an IDGAF attitude about the truth is building a house on sand. it's putting your head in the sand again, more avoidance and reversals. I now have zero trust in my ex 's ability to be open honest, submissive, and vulnerable. That is now a solid rock to build a divorce house on with no regrets. Your W's immediate response to the D threat was all about money (healthcare and she immediately started redoing the house her way) the apologies about sex happen in bed when you are getting a spoonful of reset, and are most vulnerable. sadly it proves that she can also easily do this to the next victim, one hand on his dick and the other hand on his wallet. Just a side note to the previous advice you were given, the child factor will certainly test and prove where the marriage lands on the list of priorities. Wait till the grandchild become a part of things and see how you the H get put on the backburner, again. I know my words don't sound like it, but I too wish you can be a 1% done the right way! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 7:56:45 GMT -5
greatcoastal, we already have a pair of grandchildren and another on the way. That has never been an issue, except we'd love to see them more!
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2018 8:06:36 GMT -5
greatcoastal , we already have a pair of grandchildren and another on the way. That has never been an issue, except we'd love to see them more! Good to know, so they are distant and not a factor. But your responses are very similar to my ex's ,pick and choose and ignore the rest for what fits your needs. That's your choice. it's all free, take it or leave it. Okay," we would love to see them more", thats an avoidance of the question , "do you the H get put on the back burner? "Family gets put before marriage. Her medical and house decorating came before the reset. Even the reset was put on the back burner. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 8:19:25 GMT -5
greatcoastal, it is too early to know how this will shake out. I know we're in a bubble now. Right now I'm just trying to keep my head on straight and observe. We have a couple of projects that have to be done together so that will provide a good clue on how we work together now in this new world. I can confidently say, though, that our dynamics have changed. I won't let them go back to where they were and neither will she. Whether the new dynamics are enough to save the marriage is a completely different question.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 8, 2018 9:44:16 GMT -5
shamwow, an average divorce in my county is about 9 months. The six months was her idea, because she wanted to wait for a couple of medical procedures. I agreed because I had brought up the D word before I was ready, and I wanted to wait until I got hired from my consulting gig so my base salary would be much lower... averaging my salary over the last three years would screw me with alimony. I finally got my job offer yesterday, 10% lower than my last full time job 2 years ago. I am not going to look to change jobs now, and it's still a decent salary and good benefits, so this is hopefully to my advantage with a decent lawyer. So my game plan for now is to: - Continue to work on myself in areas I've identified, - Continue assuming that we will start the process in January and give her no reason to think otherwise (by making plans together after that date for example), continue to do things in that direction as mentioned. - Work on this new relationship with her and see if there is any hope. Counseling is a possibility. - Get as much sex as I can from this woman who closely resembles my refuser and give her every reason to want more. Up until now I had absolutely no hopes that the marriage could work. I admit I now have such hopes. But I know the odds are very long and I'm trying to keep my head on straight. And I can rely on ILIASM to give me reality checks if I go off to Lala Land. You're not in la la land. This shit is traumatic confusion and there often isn't a straight line evident when going through it. Staight lines only tend to appear in retrospect. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 8, 2018 10:17:45 GMT -5
@shynjdude, armchair quarterbacking here, but... if the process takes 9 months and she wants you to wait for 6 months... my abacus says she gets what she wants by default. Obviously, you could start the process anytime and just kick the can down the road a bit if the final court date seems too close. Much easier than trying to accelerate the whole process if things go sour. I still say that you need to get terms down on paper while you still have bargaining chips left. You can always choose to cancel the filing if things hold out. Or, heck, you can proceed and finish the divorce and still stay together if she needs the dynamic where leaving becomes the default if she can’t be bothered. (It seems to work for bballgirl; heck, tiredoftears’ H loses interest unless she’s also having sex with other guys. So don’t discount what it might take to keep her engaged.) I get that you’re in a tough spot at the moment because things seem to be going well and it seems stupid to disrupt that; I don’t disagree. But consider having your ducks lined up and act swiftly if things jump the tracks. Don’t give her a 6-month free pass on bad behavior; resolve to keep your expectations of her high. |
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Post by csl on Aug 8, 2018 12:46:27 GMT -5
The most astonishing thing happened on Sunday. She was holding my member, something that hardly ever happened in the past 30 years, and I said how great it felt. She asked why, and I just said that it makes me feel like someone is interested in me sexually. She started crying. She said, until that moment, she had no idea how much pain I must have been in for so many years. She said that she didn't realize that my pain at being rejected was as high as her physical pain from her illness. She said that even though she was sick, she should have been more aware of what was going on and more understanding of my needs. She apologized profusely. And then again the day after, saying that she would always be there for other people and was blind to the pain of her own husband. This incident caused me to remember Forgiven Wife's blog post A Moment of Hard Truth, in which she tells of being the wife who had this same revelation. In her post, FW tells of 'soul-racking sobs'. The revelation sparked such a change in her, that she turned her marriage around, started writing a marriage and sexuality blog, and is currently one of the four co-hosts of the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast. That's quite the turn-around in eight years. Here's the link to her post about that moment when it hit her: A Moment Of Hard Truth. |
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2018 19:55:50 GMT -5
baza , since I (perhaps handcuffed myself and) agreed to a six month wait before doing any legal moves or telling anyone, I'm not sure what more I can do to plan besides what I am already doing - disengaging financials, investigating places to move, working on my own issues and becoming more independent, getting legal advice, gathering information that would be necessary. If I'm missing something big I could be doing now given my constraints until January, I'd love to know it. At the outset it must be noted that staying is a perfectly legitimate choice. Every bit as valid as leaving / cheating. If indeed you are leaving, you would, by now, have these things you've mentioned (financials, where you'll live etc etc) all stitched up, and you'd just be waiting to enact your plan. And clearly, that is not the case. You don't have these things stitched up. And every day that passes - whilst you are not prepared - makes it less and less likely that you'll leave...now, or in 5 months time. Again, staying is a perfectly legitimate choice. I think that you have done what many of us have done Brother @shynjdude . You have managed to bullshit yourself that you were ready and prepared to apply the ultimate sanction to your marriage and end it - when in truth you are not ready at all. You haven't taken ownership and responsibility for that choice. That, is not a crime. But it does leave your missus driving with you along for the ride as passenger....and you don't really know where she is driving to. If you are staying, then - just like the leaving option - you have to take ownership and responsibility for that choice. You have to drive. That's the case whether the choice is staying, or leaving. "What" you choose to is one thing and comes down to your read of your situation. Staying or going are both perfectly legitimate choices. But whatever you choose you have to own and take responsibility for. Maybe you need to hit the re-wind button here, all the way back to the key question. Are you staying or are you going ? Which choice are you prepared to own and take responsibility for in the here and now ? And again, staying is a perfectly legitimate choice. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 6:24:23 GMT -5
Maybe you need to hit the re-wind button here, all the way back to the key question. Are you staying or are you going ? Which choice are you prepared to own and take responsibility for in the here and now ? And again, staying is a perfectly legitimate choice. At the moment, that is the $64,000 question. Six days in a row of decent lovemaking (not just sex) that is spilling into everyday interactions is having a huge effect on my psyche, which I think most people here would understand. Suddenly my wife is loving, caring, showing vulnerability, and appreciative. I have likewise changed in my interactions with her towards being more honest but kind and far less judgmental. Both of us are enjoying our "new spouses." Of course I am reconsidering my decision to divorce. Of course I am fantasizing that my marriage - which was objectively worse than most marriages discussed here - could turn around. And while this bubble exists, I am not going to lose the opportunity to be as caring for my wife as I can be, because the ideal situation would be to save and turn around the marriage, and that is more than worth the effort. (At this very moment I am typing this from a hotel room next to the beach, I took wife to a last minute mini vacation weekend at the shore last night.) But at the same time I am quite aware of how anomalous this bubble is, and I am taking a cautious attitude. My therapist agrees. There have obviously been a ton of major problems in our relationship beyond sex, and all of them need to be re-evaluated or dealt with. I can say that in the space of a week I have gone from wanting to avoid my wife to wanting to spend my time with her. Bubble or not, reset or not - that is both amazing and whiplash-inducing. I know objectively how crazy this sounds and how anomalous it is. But I am no longer playing my life by the odds. The upside is a possible happy marriage with the woman I have been with for over three decades, the downside is a divorce that is pushed back for a while. Because there is no way I'm going back to the way things were before. |
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2018 8:42:40 GMT -5
There is some really weird shit going on here Brother @shynjdude .
Is there a critical bit of information not in the story (or mebbe I just missed it)
In your 24th July post you said she - "claims she won't stand in the way of divorce"
By July 29th she - "claims she is horny and wants sex"
By August 7th she starts rooting you.
Yet she still presumably "won't stand in the way of divorce"
These disparate facts simply do NOT make sense.
They invite one to believe that she will not stand in the way of divorce, and just for fun she'll fuck you silly until the clock runs out, then graciously co-operate in winding up the marriage.
Now, if she was actually running a covert agenda of wanting to preserve or prolong the marriage, this rootfest would make sense, in that context. In fact it is the only context (that I can think of) that it does make sense.
I think you can pretty much rule out her claim that she would "not stand in the way of divorce", because what she is trying to do is manoeuvre you into a position where YOU call the whole silly idea of divorce off the table. And her theoretical agreement to not stand in the way is never put to the test.
She's good this chick, real good.
I think it would be foolish in the extreme for you to not get all your divorce ducks lined up, A.S.A.P. (by all means keep rooting her as you get your act and ducks together)
If you never need to use your exit strategy because she's become a bona-fide root rat, great.
But you are going to look like a goose when the danger of divorce is past, and the tap gets turned off again, and you are not holding any cards. You'll have propelled yourself backwards by many months.
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catsloveme
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 10, 2018 9:39:14 GMT -5
Maybe you need to hit the re-wind button here, all the way back to the key question. Are you staying or are you going ? Which choice are you prepared to own and take responsibility for in the here and now ? And again, staying is a perfectly legitimate choice. At the moment, that is the $64,000 question. Six days in a row of decent lovemaking (not just sex) that is spilling into everyday interactions is having a huge effect on my psyche, which I think most people here would understand. Suddenly my wife is loving, caring, showing vulnerability, and appreciative. I have likewise changed in my interactions with her towards being more honest but kind and far less judgmental. Both of us are enjoying our "new spouses." Of course I am reconsidering my decision to divorce. Of course I am fantasizing that my marriage - which was objectively worse than most marriages discussed here - could turn around. And while this bubble exists, I am not going to lose the opportunity to be as caring for my wife as I can be, because the ideal situation would be to save and turn around the marriage, and that is more than worth the effort. (At this very moment I am typing this from a hotel room next to the beach, I took wife to a last minute mini vacation weekend at the shore last night.) But at the same time I am quite aware of how anomalous this bubble is, and I am taking a cautious attitude. My therapist agrees. There have obviously been a ton of major problems in our relationship beyond sex, and all of them need to be re-evaluated or dealt with. I can say that in the space of a week I have gone from wanting to avoid my wife to wanting to spend my time with her. Bubble or not, reset or not - that is both amazing and whiplash-inducing. I know objectively how crazy this sounds and how anomalous it is. But I am no longer playing my life by the odds. The upside is a possible happy marriage with the woman I have been with for over three decades, the downside is a divorce that is pushed back for a while. Because there is no way I'm going back to the way things were before. Whiplash inducing, indeed. And the mixed messages are very confusing. Two things come to mind: You need to be clear with your wife that you’re not going back to the way things are. (Apologies if you’ve already stated that you’ve done that and I’ve just missed it.) You also need to be clear with your wife that the other issues in your marriage need to be addressed as well. Her reactions during those two discussions—and action or inaction following them—will be telling. I really am hoping for the best for you—that this is a legitimate and lasting turnaround. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 9:57:11 GMT -5
catsloveme et.al. Last year, at the suggestion of my therapist, I made a list of what is important to me in a relationship. I posted the list here (except for one item.). Here's the complete list in no particular order: Love. Trust. Fun. Empathy. Shared values. Shared Jewish values and attitudes towards Judaism. Security. Respect. Partnership. Understanding. Passion. Commitment. Inspiring (to make the other into a better person.) Mutual admiration. Mutual growth. Mutual attraction Wanting to make the other happy Authenticity Compatible mindset Sexual compatibility Not too long ago I would have scored my relationship virtually a zero. Now I look at almost all of these with an answer of "potentially." We are spending a lot of time talking, in bed and out. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of laughs over the past whirlwind of a week. If she is trying to fool me she deserves an Oscar and a Tony to boot. We both know we have challenges but suddenly we seem to have a partner willing to work on them, which was simply not the case before. I'm trying to remain level headed. If there is any difference it is that both of us have stopped hiding and are being honest about our faults. I'm almost looking forward to our next fight, our next disagreement. I want to see if the old patterns emerge. That will tell me more than anything else. Right now, I am enjoying our time together. That hasn't happened for a very long time.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 10, 2018 10:45:18 GMT -5
@shynjdude, I wish you the best. It would be awesome for such a turnaround to happen; a great reawakening. But, yeah... whiplash does make folks in these parts suspicious. You’re right about the next fight, I think. It will give you a glimpse into the future. You’ve got a long history that’s ingrained a lot of muscle memory, habits, and comfortable go-to’s - not to mention baggage. Some of that will never be forgotten, and it’ll take a conscious effort to keep it held down. The real question will be if there’s enough momentum to keep the past at bay. It takes only a few weeks to instill new habits and routines, but that doesn’t mean the old ones will be lost. I agree with catsloveme that it’d be reasonable to be clear on your expectations, that things are trending in a great direction but you’re on an “up or out” trajectory, and the old status quo is not an option. With enough motivation, maybe she can really find a way to make this change stick. |
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catsloveme
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 10, 2018 13:10:03 GMT -5
@shynjdude, I hope things continue on this good path for you.
The song “Start With the Ending” by David Wilcox comes to mind.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 17:03:51 GMT -5
I do have one question for the crowd wisdom of the board:
Has anyone been reset with a sustained period of enthusiastic sex?
My impression of most resets is a single "barely good enough" session to keep you hooked.
Just wondering how anomalous things are with me....
Thanks!
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