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Post by Dan on Dec 12, 2017 12:54:16 GMT -5
Don't be so sure that just because a woman has headphones on she isn't interested in meeting anyone ... or that a woman alone or with other women at church wouldn't be interested in meeting you. ... If both sitting alone and sitting with friends make a woman unapproachable, what other options are there? I think sometimes the echoes of refuser voices in our heads makes us believe that no one will ever want us - which keeps us from even trying. Bravo for this point! Sure "wearing headphones" or "nose in a book" might be sign that a woman is not interested in engaging in any chit-chat with an unknown male. But it might also simply be "since I'm not chatting with someone, I may as well do this". Someone next to me on the plane already dove into her book? I'll still say something sociable, to break the ice, since we are going to be thigh to thigh for the next few hours. This is generally greeted with appreciation and respect. Guys: con't be afraid to be sociable. Break the ice. Be receptive to the response, and gauge how long (or short) this interaction should be. But don't always decide "zero" a priori just because someone might be signalling "do not disturb". Will you get a cold shoulder sometimes? Sure. But you might just have a pleasant interaction with a fellow human being also. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 12, 2017 13:09:08 GMT -5
“Someone next to me on the plane already dove into her book? I'll still say something sociable, to break the ice, since we are going to be thigh to thigh for the next few hours. This is generally greeted with appreciation and respect.”
Offering a pleasantry on a plane to a person sitting elbow to elbow with you is very different from crossing a gym to attempt to chat with a headphone-wearing woman who is working out. However, that’s what some clueless men do. It has happened to me and, frankly, my response is feel irritated and like I’m being stalked.
If one offers a pleasantry to a book-reading person sitting by you on a plane and they ignore you or offer only a short answer then go back to reading, that means they aren’t interested in conversation. Presumably one doesn’t persist in trying to converse.
Similarly, trying to converse with a person who has been beside you in sm exercise class is not as intrusive as interrupting someone working out by themselves. An easy way to test the waters with anyone is to offer a smile and a hello.
If they smile and respond and keep looking at you in a friendly way, that typically indicated they are open to conversation. If a woman spoke, smiled and looks away or walks away or faster, that tends to mean she spoke only out of politeness or fear (guys have been known to curse out or brutalize women who ignore hellos from strangers. This is not paranoia. Any woman will confirm this.)
Keep in mind that at worse, a man making an overture to a strange woman fears rejection. Women fear meeting up with a Ted Bundy.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 13, 2017 8:34:10 GMT -5
I have never met a date or even made a friend in a bar. I’ll go to bars with friends, but I do that to talk to friends not to meet a potential dare. I’ve always been like that. When it comes to dating, I like doing it with someone I know I have something in common with, I don’t have anything in common with people who hang out at bars hoping to get laid or find romance. I’m not into people who have to get sloshed to talk. I also don’t have much in common with people whose only interest in doing an activity is finding a partner. Their lives sound empty. They seem desperate for someone to end their loneliness. All are reasons why you probably learned hanging out at bars isn’t fun for you either. With those thoughts in mind, I suggest you get involved in real life things that interest you or that you have always admired people who do them. As my marriage was winding down, I tried a lot of things to keep loneliness at bay and perk up my life: ballroom dance classes; tai chi; French classes; running; working out; meditation; silent retreats; singing lessons; art classes; acting classes; meeting friends for lunch, going to Meetups. I developed friendships with new interesting people. I discovered talents I never would have guessed I had. One of the people I met became my Post sm lover. We had met in a theater troupe several years before we started dating. I hadn’t joined the troupe looking for love but looking for me. Eventually, I found both. Did you have any gym experiences? I haven't been to the gym in the last 8 months, due to finances, but the year before that showed me what it was like. practically all the woman go to the arobics rooms , the bikes, and the treadmill, all wearing head phones. A very clear message that they don't want to be disturbed. The men are on the free weights and the wheight machines. About 50% have headphones. You will see woman get brought into the free weight area by a personal trainer, and the two only speak with each other. I like to concentrate on my work out like every one else, yet I see people there I know, especially the fitness trainers and we have casual conversations. But the other 98% of the woman there? they are in and out with time to talk with the other woman. That's been my experience at 4 different gyms. It does put a damper on the attitude of going there with the hope of meeting someone. Not that it isn't possible. Although if someone starts talking about " I need to sell or buy a house" they get more conversations and meet more people. That's been my dose of reality. Try the exercise classes. They are heavily populated by women. Most guys avoid the classes because, I assume, they are perceived as a woman thing, but they are all challenging. Most men will not make it through a workout the first time. You will get noticed, though. I got more positive reinforcement from any one hour workout class than I got from my wife in any given week. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 13, 2017 9:56:11 GMT -5
“Did you have any gym experiences? I haven't been to the gym in the last 8 months, due to finances, but the year before that showed me what it was like. practically all the woman go to the arobics rooms , the bikes, and the treadmill, all wearing head phones. A very clear message that they don't want to be disturbed.”
I have gone regularly to a gym for years, sometimes as much as 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. I currently go for about 70 mins. 2-3 times a week. I do free weights, weight machines and either s bike or a rowing machine. I have occasionally taken classes.
Most importantly: as is the case with virtually everyone, I go to the gym to work out, not to make friends or get a partner. Even when I was looking for a partner, the gym was not where I looked no matter how appealing the men were. When I’m there, I’m counting reps, measuring my progress, taking timed breaks, admiring how my muscles are developing. If I see someone I know, at most, I’ll have a very brief exchange, but I’m there to work out in a limited amount of time.
I do not suggest that men join exercise classes to meet women. That’s creepy and desperate. If men like the classes and go for their own fitness, that’s fine. Otherwise, you’d probably just be viewed a masher and an annoyance.
The same is true of virtually anything a person joins just to find a partner, not for its own enjoyment. Doing things you love doing can put you into contact with others including potential partners who have common interests.
If you like exercise and would like to meet like minded people, participate in a coed group doing an athletic activity you enjoy: biking, hiking, running, kickball, skating, etc. if there aren’t such groups in your area, create one through meetup.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2017 10:49:21 GMT -5
I went to a 50+ singles meetup group this past Fri. Dinner and a hayride. I am 54 yrs old. The entire crowd (all 20 of them) where in there 60's or older. I felt like I was the youngest one there,(and probably was). Yes I mingled, started conversations,i had ladies sitting all around me. A polite crowd, somewhat sociable, yet they seemed like surface conversation was all it would ever be, even though they have been together and gone places before. Being stuck in the corner of a table didn't help much. I did ask " is this what your group is like? Do you get to meet each other? I was told that there are younger woman who come at different times, and Holloween,Christmas, and other events are held at the group leaders house on the ocean and you will meet more younger people then. That I should come back again.
Like life, all an experience! One of the ladies sitting across from me wanted to talk about food, drinks, and restaurants, while the other lady beside me was this little frail grandma of a woman. I ended up helping her stand up put her winter coat and scarf on,and hold doors for her. Similar to what I do at church for people her age.
I was introduced to another woman whom I sat with on the hay ride. She has been divorced for 12 yrs. and is in her early 60's. I was able to speak with her a bit deeper about my situation. She advised me about the crazies you will meet online. I felt like I was talking to my mother for advise.
I've mentioned my "nights of observing" around town to a few others locally. I'm told, " you went too early, you need to go much later, and stay later." I reply honestly, " I'm used to going to bed at 10;30pm!, The thought of meeting some woman at 1:00am and her having a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, sounds like a major turn off." I went on to say, there's got to be someone, a few people close to my age here in my town, who are recently divorced, who could share their experiences with me? I'm still hoping to meet more people like that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 13, 2017 12:30:37 GMT -5
Did you have any gym experiences? I haven't been to the gym in the last 8 months, due to finances, but the year before that showed me what it was like. practically all the woman go to the arobics rooms , the bikes, and the treadmill, all wearing head phones. A very clear message that they don't want to be disturbed. The men are on the free weights and the wheight machines. About 50% have headphones. You will see woman get brought into the free weight area by a personal trainer, and the two only speak with each other. I like to concentrate on my work out like every one else, yet I see people there I know, especially the fitness trainers and we have casual conversations. But the other 98% of the woman there? they are in and out with time to talk with the other woman. That's been my experience at 4 different gyms. It does put a damper on the attitude of going there with the hope of meeting someone. Not that it isn't possible. Although if someone starts talking about " I need to sell or buy a house" they get more conversations and meet more people. That's been my dose of reality. Try the exercise classes. They are heavily populated by women. Most guys avoid the classes because, I assume, they are perceived as a woman thing, but they are all challenging. Most men will not make it through a workout the first time. You will get noticed, though. I got more positive reinforcement from any one hour workout class than I got from my wife in any given week. I've got an injured foot (took a nasty fall off a ladder 6 years ago) and asthma. Running, jumping and maybe to much dancing, is out of the question. Long term standing is okay and so is bike riding. That does limit things. However the other 95% of my body does well on the weight machines and free weights. I do remember a day when these two ladies-after their aerobics- came up to one of the very large men in the gym and said, " don't we know you? Haven't we seen you at (a bar in our town) recently? He said " yes, I work there, I'm a bouncer". Their conversation went on, politely and briefly, the three of them all hope they will see each other there again soon. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2018 7:21:07 GMT -5
Last night (Friday) I went to a local bar for dinner, and to observe.
This is my first time as an official , legally, single man.
Once again I found myself to be thw only person who walked in alone, ate alone, and left alone.
All the others walk in as a couple, or with friends.
Not a total loss! It's actually refreshing to see people laugh, giggle, and converse openly with each other, and meet with their other friends.
Odly eneough , just the day before I had the house I am buying inspected.
I haven't seen my home inspector ( and his partner) in 5 yrs. It was like we hadn't missed a day!
My news was about my divorce. Also my story. Wouldn't you know my home inspector was getting ready to tell his wife that same night, that he wants a divorce.
Another fine, upstanding, hard working, fit, attractive, guy ( my age) who is getting out of a SM,to a controlling, narcissistic, alcoholic wife.
You can bet I hit all his buttons with a wealth of information! He's usung the same attorney that I did!
We ended with a lot of hand shakes and me giving him words of affirmation and hope. Telling him, lets do dinner soon!
So to bring this ful circle, I will most likely be one of those who eventually walks into a bar with my friends and we discuss our problems, solutions, and give each other hope!
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 24, 2018 8:18:47 GMT -5
As someone who walks into a bar alone all the time.....some helpful tips from something I’m actually good at! 😜
Talk to everyone— not just the potential victims. (Haha) Other people see this and naturally gravitate toward you.
I talk to same gender, too. Had ladies loving me and buying me shots the other night.
You might consider breaking your “no alcohol” thing — just one glass helps with the inhibitions.
Lou’s Blues (a local tip for you, great coastal) — there are a lack of seats so you HAVE to share a table, and viola!, now you have an instant party group!
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2018 8:48:43 GMT -5
As someone who walks into a bar alone all the time.....some helpful tips from something I’m actually good at! 😜 Talk to everyone— not just the potential victims. (Haha) Other people see this and naturally gravitate toward you. I talk to same gender, too. Had ladies loving me and buying me shots the other night. You might consider breaking your “no alcohol” thing — just one glass helps with the inhibitions. Lou’s Blues (a local tip for you, great coastal) — there are a lack of seats so you HAVE to share a table, and viola!, now you have an instant party group! What's it like to "talk with everyone" when people are already together as a couple? Nothing but couples most everywhere I went. |
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 24, 2018 8:58:10 GMT -5
greatcoastalTalk to people who are with their friends, not on a date. Granted, this is a LOT easier for me because I’m female, and the men LOVE it when I say, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhearing.....” or “Is this seat taken? May I join you?” BAM. Done. Never ever had a rejection and always make new friends. I even keep in touch with some still .....and I spent last night talking on the phone to a guy I randomly met a few months ago. We are in different states, but he’s a good friend now.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 24, 2018 14:21:14 GMT -5
If you enjoy books, bookstore coffee shops and bookstores in general can be great ways to meet like minded souls. It’s easy to open a conversation about a book someone is considering or holding.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Mar 25, 2018 11:45:57 GMT -5
As someone who walks into a bar alone all the time.....some helpful tips from something I’m actually good at! 😜 Talk to everyone— not just the potential victims. (Haha) Other people see this and naturally gravitate toward you. I talk to same gender, too. Had ladies loving me and buying me shots the other night. You might consider breaking your “no alcohol” thing — just one glass helps with the inhibitions. Lou’s Blues (a local tip for you, great coastal) — there are a lack of seats so you HAVE to share a table, and viola!, now you have an instant party group! What's it like to "talk with everyone" when people are already together as a couple? Nothing but couples most everywhere I went. I did this last night at karaoke. I’m naturally talkative anyway, and a couple of sips of vodka made me even more so. I approached the bar to ask for a refill, and ended up having this this woman go nuts over me. She was with her boyfriend. Later on, while I was singing, a couple nearby was grinding on each other. Oftentimes once you finish a song, people will high-five you or say, “You killed that song!”. I think it’s a great way to meet people! |
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Post by Dan on Mar 25, 2018 21:14:19 GMT -5
Stumbling across this old thread... forgot that I already commented! Here are my additional comments:greatcoastal : I'm VERY outgoing. I can start a conversation ANYWHERE: waiting for a coffee. In the freezer section of the grocery market. On public transportation. In random forums on the Internet. With all ages, all genders (I think there are more than two now), all levels of cuteness. And: like you, I like dancing -- and not afraid to do so in public! But, I tell you: the bar scene is not my scene. Never met a new friend there. So I don't return to try again, so I don't get better, nor could I even claim to know "the code" or the routine for "how to strike up a conversation in a bar". Why is it so different than the conversations that I have no trouble with in EVERY other venue? I think the main reason is too many women have their "shields up" on too high of a setting when at a bar. They are so used to getting hit on, having to make a split-second decision... and this does not play to my strengths. In all the other settings, my warmth and/or wry humor come through. So: I'll stick to other venues to meet folks that are more my element... and head to a bar either with friends, or when I need a stiff drink to unwind (alone) from the hassle of the day. So, my few points are: 1) If the bar is not your scene, there is nothing wrong with you. 2) Just figure out what your scene is. Or -- more importantly -- flip that around: 3) Figure out where the women who would like you might already be! What I mean by the last point is this: I'm not sure the women who are looking for a guy like me are hanging out in bars anyways. My job (once I'm detached and looking) -- and yours, now, GC -- is to figure out where the women are that DO want to meet us. Once again, my occasional plug for others to consider Meetup.com, and/or get involved with community service and/or take an adult enrichment class from your local community college or through your local park system. Other interesting people your age are out there. Find them. Then make new friends. Then see which of them are detached... or if they have any friends who are!
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 25, 2018 23:32:38 GMT -5
I'm not sure the women who are looking for a guy like me are hanging out in bars anyways. +1 I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. |
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 26, 2018 1:30:01 GMT -5
I'm not sure the women who are looking for a guy like me are hanging out in bars anyways. +1 +2 My coworker goes to bars with his buddy. And his buddy always ends up going home with someone. His line to the ladies is simply... I want to f you. Let us know how well it works. |
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