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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2017 22:25:37 GMT -5
let me start by saying I went to 6 bars Sat. night. That is more bars than I have walked in, in my entire life! (SORRY, no big, I got laid story !!)
So that sets the stage! I don't drink, and I don't smoke. I do eat, and dance!
The end of the SM is near, freedom is around the corner, so I took some wonderful advice, I went to strictly observe.
I may be the only guy on the planet with this problem ," that was extremely difficult for me!" It's taken months of weekends where I go no where, or I go to the park alone at night. I even sat outside the parking lot, trying to decide, "why do I really need to do this?" Oddly enough when i delivered freight in my late 20's I walked into the un-known, dangerous situations daily. It's hard to describe. maybe it's years of programming that "a bar" is not for me. Or the last person i would ever want to have a relationship with is who I would meet at a bar.
-I'm waiting until the divorce is over and I have my own account and as much privacy as possible before I stick my foot in the on-line dating world-.
Back to the bar scene. It was quiet a mixed variety. Some places where so full there wasn't a seat. While others only had 2 or 6 people there. Some are more of a big restaurant with a tiny bar area, while others are all bar that also serve food.Some are mostly outdoors while others are full of pool tables.
What seemed to be lacking was woman my age range, either alone or with friends. Instead the places where full of couples in there 60's (this is Fl.) or mostly men at the bar. As much as I would like a conversation with the guys, there's that 'concern' of a bar full of gay men.
I observed the menu, the prices, the noise, the crowd, the size of the dance floor, the friendliness of the employees, etc... I did not go home thinking, "wow, that was great! I met so many people, and had a great time! I could really be myself!" Instead I came home thinking, " where is everyone on a Sat. night?" I actually saw more people who I felt i could relate to or have a conversation with at the mall. There where more woman my age at the food court or working at the stores.
All just an observation, nothing cast in stone. I need to try it again, and again, and see what else is out there to experience!
I looked through all the threads looking for one to attach this too, but didn't find anything similar.
What are your recent bar experiences like? I've read some scary things about all the mind games that go on, all the dangers, and all the politics of meeting someone in a bar. Heck I just wanted something to eat and get out of the house. I remember in my trucking days, standing in line at the truck stop cafe and tapping the guys shoulder in front of me and asking him, " mind if I join you?" and we would have a great conversation and go our separate ways.
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Post by deborahmanning on Dec 4, 2017 22:42:19 GMT -5
I feel you, GC. I'm about 80% neurotypical but a bar environment triggers the other 20%, even before bringing in any issues from dangers or mind games. The background music and people shouting over it is far too much audio input; I can't filter out enough to understand the person talking to me. Generally I look around the bar for anyone else who's on the margin, in the quietest area, and try to strike up a conversation there. Dating is going to be a real fun ride! /s
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2017 22:54:42 GMT -5
I feel you, GC. I'm about 80% neurotypical but a bar environment triggers the other 20%, even before bringing in any issues from dangers or mind games. The background music and people shouting over it is far too much audio input; I can't filter out enough to understand the person talking to me. Generally I look around the bar for anyone else who's on the margin, in the quietest area, and try to strike up a conversation there. Dating is going to be a real fun ride! /s There's also a slew of fancy hotels all along the beaches, full of restaurants and bars. These places are loaded with people on Fri. nights. Then there's the weddings on Sat. and all the relatives and out of towners enjoying the fun. One can only imagine the 'possibilities" of who you could meet? It all seems so surreal for now! Part of me almost feels like a stalker, and then part of me says I have just as much right to be there and "drink from the cup of life". So much to ponder and experience, the good and the bad. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2017 23:26:15 GMT -5
There's a place that is in walking distance from my house, I drive by there several times a day. there's an outside bar and an inside bar. The outside bar had 4 men sitting there, smoking heavily, a group of 4 had just left the bar leaving it nasty and soaking wet. There was one lone woman sitting in a corner with her back facing the rest of the establishment, and her nose in a book. Not my cup of tea. I chose not to stay very long. However that was one time at a certain time of the evening. I do see other crowds there. So much to learn and risks to take!
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 5, 2017 1:35:43 GMT -5
I feel you, GC. I'm about 80% neurotypical but a bar environment triggers the other 20%, even before bringing in any issues from dangers or mind games. The background music and people shouting over it is far too much audio input; I can't filter out enough to understand the person talking to me. Generally I look around the bar for anyone else who's on the margin, in the quietest area, and try to strike up a conversation there. Dating is going to be a real fun ride! /s There's also a slew of fancy hotels all along the beaches, full of restaurants and bars. These places are loaded with people on Fri. nights. Then there's the weddings on Sat. and all the relatives and out of towners enjoying the fun. One can only imagine the 'possibilities" of who you could meet? It all seems so surreal for now! Part of me almost feels like a stalker, and then part of me says I have just as much right to be there and "drink from the cup of life". So much to ponder and experience, the good and the bad. how about meeting women on the beach? Or at church? |
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 5, 2017 1:54:44 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal Thanks for starting this thread. I can't help much other, than to say I can empathise with what you are saying. Your'e not the only one. After my separation, I've started going out to a local pub and even though it's a familiar environment it feels alien. Perhaps it's that insecure teenager in me, reasserting himself! |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 6:31:37 GMT -5
I have never met a date or even made a friend in a bar. I’ll go to bars with friends, but I do that to talk to friends not to meet a potential dare. I’ve always been like that. When it comes to dating, I like doing it with someone I know I have something in common with, I don’t have anything in common with people who hang out at bars hoping to get laid or find romance. I’m not into people who have to get sloshed to talk. I also don’t have much in common with people whose only interest in doing an activity is finding a partner. Their lives sound empty. They seem desperate for someone to end their loneliness. All are reasons why you probably learned hanging out at bars isn’t fun for you either.
With those thoughts in mind, I suggest you get involved in real life things that interest you or that you have always admired people who do them. As my marriage was winding down, I tried a lot of things to keep loneliness at bay and perk up my life: ballroom dance classes; tai chi; French classes; running; working out; meditation; silent retreats; singing lessons; art classes; acting classes; meeting friends for lunch, going to Meetups. I developed friendships with new interesting people. I discovered talents I never would have guessed I had.
One of the people I met became my Post sm lover. We had met in a theater troupe several years before we started dating. I hadn’t joined the troupe looking for love but looking for me. Eventually, I found both.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 5, 2017 9:14:02 GMT -5
With the climate negative about drinking/driving/smoking, bars aren't the place to be anymore. When I was single, the only time I had fun at a bar was when there was live music and everyone was seriously dancing (not even drinking so much). I liked hanging out with people older than me because I liked their music better and it was fun to learn new ways to dance. I even did some swing dancing, and yes, that crowd was a good 15-20 years older than I was (some more), although there were a few retro young kids that sure could dance. So, I repeat myself a lot, but I have to go with Meetup groups -- dance meetups, live music, lectures (on interesting topics, this can actually be a lot of fun!), hiking, kayaking, maybe in Florida beach walking? If only! (jealous) But, I have to say -- GOOD JOB getting out. Like you said, it wasn't the time of your life, but you got out there - that's all one can do. Now you know bars are probably not "the place to be," thus, you aren't missing anything there!  |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 9:17:44 GMT -5
I agree with Awake: Great job getting out. Now you’ve learned bars aren’t your thing. That’s valuable info. Dip your toes into something else.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 10:50:34 GMT -5
There's also a slew of fancy hotels all along the beaches, full of restaurants and bars. These places are loaded with people on Fri. nights. Then there's the weddings on Sat. and all the relatives and out of towners enjoying the fun. One can only imagine the 'possibilities" of who you could meet? It all seems so surreal for now! Part of me almost feels like a stalker, and then part of me says I have just as much right to be there and "drink from the cup of life". So much to ponder and experience, the good and the bad. how about meeting women on the beach? Or at church? It's an odd feeling going to the beach or going to church to meet someone. Not just anyone but, another single woman in my age bracket. I do meet people, especially when I've gone with my kids, or just talk with other surfers while waiting to catch a wave. Yet going there to meet a single woman? That's when every "potential" woman you see is sitting at the beach alone with a book in her hand, under an umbrella with headphones on, or is laying on her belly looking at no one and doesn't want to be disturbed. Then there's the ones walking. They are there to exercise and keep on going! Approaching them in the slightest makes you feel like you are invading their privacy. I usher/serve at our church. I've served at numerous churches for years. woman come in, sit alone near the back, and exit quickly when service is over. That or they have their own group of two or three woman that they form an impenetrable click with. I'm not saying that it is not possible. Instead it feels like a sales job, you have to knock on 100 doors to find 1 door to be opened. Decades ago I had a church that had a large singles group. I found friendship there and met my wife there. Singles groups at churches are not for divorced men in their 50's. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 11:07:53 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal Thanks for starting this thread. I can't help much other, than to say I can empathise with what you are saying. Your'e not the only one. After my separation, I've started going out to a local pub and even though it's a familiar environment it feels alien. Perhaps it's that insecure teenager in me, reasserting himself! It did have an "alien " feel to it. Yet so will the "single at age 54, father of 6!" package that I present. I think having the "I am here to observe" attitude helped. There's a lot of things I will be "observing" in in the year 2018! How much I participate, and how well I participate remains to be seen. I want to go at it with a confident attitude. The "observing" stance allowed me to come home remaining confident. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 11:29:54 GMT -5
With the climate negative about drinking/driving/smoking, bars aren't the place to be anymore. When I was single, the only time I had fun at a bar was when there was live music and everyone was seriously dancing (not even drinking so much). I liked hanging out with people older than me because I liked their music better and it was fun to learn new ways to dance. I even did some swing dancing, and yes, that crowd was a good 15-20 years older than I was (some more), although there were a few retro young kids that sure could dance. So, I repeat myself a lot, but I have to go with Meetup groups -- dance meetups, live music, lectures (on interesting topics, this can actually be a lot of fun!), hiking, kayaking, maybe in Florida beach walking? If only! (jealous) But, I have to say -- GOOD JOB getting out. Like you said, it wasn't the time of your life, but you got out there - that's all one can do. Now you know bars are probably not "the place to be," thus, you aren't missing anything there! I always appreciate your perspective! I can relate with the dancing. I'm a gold certificate highly trained Arthur Murray dancer (5 days a week for a year) who has gotten a bit crusty.( where talking 30 yrs. ago) Dancing is something I want to try again, but things will be better after the divorce is final. Time, money, and just feeling fair about offering myself to meeting someone. Yes I have looked at meetup groups. I really need to "just try it" instead of writing things off. I have a foot injury and asthma. I can't run, and surfing is more difficult. I still put on the fins and go boogie boarding, the long board collects dust. I do need to look into it more. It just seemed to be a gap. Either I needed to do all things athletic, (sunrise yoga, sunrise kayaking, beach jogging,10 mile hiking trips, long distance biking, beach volleyball, etc..) or sit around "again" with a bunch of retired older woman painting, or sit around with more retirees at a bar/restaurant. I'll be doing more and more "searching" in the year 2018. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 11:44:51 GMT -5
“Yes I have looked at meetup groups. I really need to "just try it" instead of writing things off. I have a foot injury and asthma. I can't run, and surfing is more difficult. I still put on the fins and go boogie boarding, the long board collects dust.”
You can also start a meetup group matching your interests. In my area, there’s a Socialites group that does a variety of things including going out to dinner, festivals and movies.
Your being a guy willing to dance and even knowing how to dance would make you very popular with many women!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 11:57:13 GMT -5
“Yes I have looked at meetup groups. I really need to "just try it" instead of writing things off. I have a foot injury and asthma. I can't run, and surfing is more difficult. I still put on the fins and go boogie boarding, the long board collects dust.” You can also start a meetup group matching your interests. In my area, there’s a Socialites group that does a variety of things including going out to dinner, festivals and movies. Your being a guy willing to dance and even knowing how to dance would make you very popular with many women! Thank you, I appreciate that! When it comes to dancing our town is like many other towns. The dance floors at a bar are tiny, and the music is not meant for "dancing". So, you need to go to the dance studio, and take lessons. Which I will consider again in the future, when it comes to meeting the right people, and having a classy evening! (If I had a picture of me holding a fish i would leave it at home  ) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 13:18:40 GMT -5
I have never met a date or even made a friend in a bar. I’ll go to bars with friends, but I do that to talk to friends not to meet a potential dare. I’ve always been like that. When it comes to dating, I like doing it with someone I know I have something in common with, I don’t have anything in common with people who hang out at bars hoping to get laid or find romance. I’m not into people who have to get sloshed to talk. I also don’t have much in common with people whose only interest in doing an activity is finding a partner. Their lives sound empty. They seem desperate for someone to end their loneliness. All are reasons why you probably learned hanging out at bars isn’t fun for you either. With those thoughts in mind, I suggest you get involved in real life things that interest you or that you have always admired people who do them. As my marriage was winding down, I tried a lot of things to keep loneliness at bay and perk up my life: ballroom dance classes; tai chi; French classes; running; working out; meditation; silent retreats; singing lessons; art classes; acting classes; meeting friends for lunch, going to Meetups. I developed friendships with new interesting people. I discovered talents I never would have guessed I had. One of the people I met became my Post sm lover. We had met in a theater troupe several years before we started dating. I hadn’t joined the troupe looking for love but looking for me. Eventually, I found both. Did you have any gym experiences? I haven't been to the gym in the last 8 months, due to finances, but the year before that showed me what it was like. practically all the woman go to the arobics rooms , the bikes, and the treadmill, all wearing head phones. A very clear message that they don't want to be disturbed. The men are on the free weights and the wheight machines. About 50% have headphones. You will see woman get brought into the free weight area by a personal trainer, and the two only speak with each other. I like to concentrate on my work out like every one else, yet I see people there I know, especially the fitness trainers and we have casual conversations. But the other 98% of the woman there? they are in and out with time to talk with the other woman. That's been my experience at 4 different gyms. It does put a damper on the attitude of going there with the hope of meeting someone. Not that it isn't possible. Although if someone starts talking about " I need to sell or buy a house" they get more conversations and meet more people. That's been my dose of reality. |
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