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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 14:42:16 GMT -5
“Did you have any gym experiences? I haven't been to the gym in the last 8 months, due to finances, but the year before that showed me what it was like. practically all the woman go to the arobics rooms , the bikes, and the treadmill, all wearing head phones. A very clear message that they don't want to be disturbed.”
Amen! And I’ll add do not get into any activity to search for a partner unless it’s specifically designed for matchmaking (i.e. a dating website, a speed dating event, a singles cruise). When I’m at the gym, I want to work out — by myself. I lift weights and know how to do that. If I go alone to the beach I’m not there hoping to be picked up. I’ve been creeped out by men at gyms who wander over to give unwanted and unsolicited advice as apparently a pickup ploy. I travel for work and have sometimes stopped at a beach. My enjoying the view isn’t an invitation to be approached by a strange man who is hoping to find romance. It’s frightening to have a strange man come up out of the blue.
Get involved in activities because you are interested in the activity not as part of a desperate move to meet a woman. If a connection and conversation happens naturally, fine, but enjoy the activity for itself. I can’t explain to you how startled I was when after doing with my eyes closed some exercises on a gym machine, I ended my reps, opened my eyes to find a man virtually nose to nose with me. He wanted to converse!
Starting a conversation with a woman waiting in line, next to you in yoga class waiting for it to start or waiting for a machine to be free is different than startling a woman who’s reading a book on the beach or lifting weights.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 16:20:18 GMT -5
Well, northstarmom we are on the same page! Like I mentioned I go to the gym for my work out. That's why I joined the gym that I did, location, equipment, trainers,etc... I later discovered-as a side benefit- many of the people I go to church with go there too. Very few people talk with each other while they are there, sometimes woman to woman while they are on the treadmill, that's about it.
The same goes for the beach, people go there to sit alone for a few hours and most likely that's what happens. I've gone to the beach with my kids for years. We spend hours surfing and being together, sometimes separated by the waves and the tide. We leave together. At most some polite conversations with other families.
It just brings my whole point back to the surface. Going places to meet people, getting involved in activities, and how different it is when you're single/divorced and in your 50's. Also ,how out of place it can seem to simply ask someone to call you or join you for dinner, when you're no longer asking their kids to come over to be with yours or asking another couple to come over and spend time with you and your spouse.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 5, 2017 21:34:11 GMT -5
Funny, this thread reminded me of my drinking days, greatcoastal. I remember being an insecure guy who would hang out in bars, hoping to pick up women. My drinking buddies - Bud Weiser, Johnny Walker, and Mick E. Lob - would point out women and say they were better looking than they actually were. They also said those women really wanted me. But the worst for getting me in trouble with women was Jose Cuervo. He was insistent on getting me laid. At times, he would talk to the lady too. If she was interested, we would do body shots. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s when you combine a shot of tequila, a salt shaker, a lime wedge, and a willing lady. Have the lady up the lime wedge in her mouth. Lick her neck, and sprinkle salt on the wet spot. Then down the shot, lick offf the salt, and French kiss her to get the lime wedge. If I got to do that, I could usually get the lady to go home with me. But then the next morning, I would be hungover. The lady in my bed was nowhere near as attractive or charming as Jose said she would be. That lying Mexican bastard! I have come to believe that we all have a lifetime quota of alcohol, and I managed to use mine up before I was 35. If I go to bars now, they tend to be of the sports variety so I can watch my favorite teams whose games are not on my home TV. I do enjoy one place in your neck of the woods, The Breakers on New Symrna Beach. It has really good burgers that you can eat while watching the waves on the beach and girls in bikinis. Talk about cheeseburgers in Paradise! As far as women above the age of 40 go, I think you are on the wrong coast of Florida. The east coast has the waves, racing, motorcycles, surfing, and rockets. The Gulf has sunsets and seashells. When a man becomes a widower over there, the widows line up on his doorstep carrying casseroles. It’s just the way it is. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Dec 5, 2017 22:24:41 GMT -5
Well thanks, obobfla, you just told me which coast to aim myself at! (53, female, and obsessed with rockets)
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 5, 2017 22:46:30 GMT -5
Well thanks, obobfla, you just told me which coast to aim myself at! (53, female, and obsessed with rockets) Yea...I'm not interested in a bunch of widows carrying casseroles. that's just the way it is. LOL!! |
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Post by dinnaken on Dec 6, 2017 2:22:07 GMT -5
Hi greatcoastal Thanks for starting this thread. I can't help much other, than to say I can empathise with what you are saying. Your'e not the only one. After my separation, I've started going out to a local pub and even though it's a familiar environment it feels alien. Perhaps it's that insecure teenager in me, reasserting himself! It did have an "alien " feel to it. Yet so will the "single at age 54, father of 6!" package that I present. I think having the "I am here to observe" attitude helped. There's a lot of things I will be "observing" in in the year 2018! How much I participate, and how well I participate remains to be seen. I want to go at it with a confident attitude. The "observing" stance allowed me to come home remaining confident. I agree with what you say, personally, I pushed myself too far, too soon after my separation and now I'm taking things more slowly. I've realised that I have to deal with a lot of things which are 'coming out of the woodwork'. All the very best for 2018 |
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 6, 2017 3:47:45 GMT -5
how about meeting women on the beach? Or at church? It's an odd feeling going to the beach or going to church to meet someone. Not just anyone but, another single woman in my age bracket. I do meet people, especially when I've gone with my kids, or just talk with other surfers while waiting to catch a wave. Yet going there to meet a single woman? That's when every "potential" woman you see is sitting at the beach alone with a book in her hand, under an umbrella with headphones on, or is laying on her belly looking at no one and doesn't want to be disturbed. Then there's the ones walking. They are there to exercise and keep on going! Approaching them in the slightest makes you feel like you are invading their privacy. I usher/serve at our church. I've served at numerous churches for years. woman come in, sit alone near the back, and exit quickly when service is over. That or they have there group of two or three woman that they form there impenetrable click with. I'm not saying that it is not possible. Instead it feels like a sales job, you have to knock on 100 doors to find 1 door to be opened. Decades ago I had a church that had a large singles group. I found friendship there and met my wife there. Singles groups at churches are not for divorced men in there 50's. perhaps women will treat a man differently when he is now single and available. (I'm clueless at meeting women and just thinking out loud.) |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 6, 2017 8:26:47 GMT -5
“perhaps women will treat a man differently when he is now single and available. (I'm clueless at meeting women and just thinking out loud.)”
No perhaps about it. Of course virtually all women will treat a single man differently than a married man.
Most women except the relatively small proportion who will be open to sexual or romantic relationships with any man view married men as:
Off limits for romance, flirting or sex. After all, he’s taken!
If he tries to hit on her, she will view him as:
Sleazy
A liar (at the least, he is lying to his wife by sneaking around. If he claims to be in a sexless or open marriage, many women will assume he is lying . Truth is the women are likely to be right because many sleazy married men lie about the state of their marriages.
If she believed his marriage is sexless or so bad that they are living together only for the kids, she may assume his wife doesn’t have sex because he’s bad in bed. She also may assume that he’s a coward or values money more than freedom and that’s why he stays miserably married. She also knows that all he has to offer her are the leftovers from his marriage. She probably wants a relationship that she doesn’t have to hide.
And many women are unkind to women who seem open to overtures from married men.
..,,
Yes, most women view married and single men very differently.
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Post by waiting4what on Dec 7, 2017 23:31:16 GMT -5
That's when every "potential" woman you see is sitting at the beach alone with a book in her hand, under an umbrella with headphones on, or is laying on her belly looking at no one and doesn't want to be disturbed. Then there's the ones walking. They are there to exercise and keep on going! Approaching them in the slightest makes you feel like you are invading their privacy. I usher/serve at our church. I've served at numerous churches for years. woman come in, sit alone near the back, and exit quickly when service is over. That or they have there group of two or three woman that they form there impenetrable click with. Don't be so sure that just because a woman has headphones on she isn't interested in meeting anyone ... or that a woman alone or with other women at church wouldn't be interested in meeting you. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to be a single person out in public, headphones sometimes make me feel less pathetic. There are so many couples in church, that can be weird too. If both sitting alone and sitting with friends make a woman unapproachable, what other options are there? I think sometimes the echoes of refuser voices in our heads makes us believe that no one will ever want us - which keeps us from even trying. Be brave! :-) |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 6:33:00 GMT -5
“Don't be so sure that just because a woman has headphones on she isn't interested in meeting anyone ... or that a woman alone or with other women at church wouldn't be interested in meeting you. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to be a single person out in public, headphones sometimes make me feel less pathetic. “
Since most people wearing headphones really don’t want to be bothered, it would be wise to find a way to venture out alone without basically wearing a shield. Otherwise, the people you meet are likely to be awkward, pushy or the type that are so full of themselves that they think they are God’s gift to women.
Walking a dog is a great way to meet people while going out alone.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 8, 2017 11:09:22 GMT -5
That's when every "potential" woman you see is sitting at the beach alone with a book in her hand, under an umbrella with headphones on, or is laying on her belly looking at no one and doesn't want to be disturbed. Then there's the ones walking. They are there to exercise and keep on going! Approaching them in the slightest makes you feel like you are invading their privacy. I usher/serve at our church. I've served at numerous churches for years. woman come in, sit alone near the back, and exit quickly when service is over. That or they have there group of two or three woman that they form there impenetrable click with. Don't be so sure that just because a woman has headphones on she isn't interested in meeting anyone ... or that a woman alone or with other women at church wouldn't be interested in meeting you. It can be awkward and uncomfortable to be a single person out in public, headphones sometimes make me feel less pathetic. There are so many couples in church, that can be weird too. If both sitting alone and sitting with friends make a woman unapproachable, what other options are there? I think sometimes the echoes of refuser voices in our heads makes us believe that no one will ever want us - which keeps us from even trying. Be brave! :-) The world of meeting people sure seems different now than when I was teen. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood (1000 miles per year) and i ended up meeting and being known by all the adults in my neighborhood. I enjoyed speaking with the adults more than people my own age. There where no cell phones or headphones back then. People would mow their own lawns, rake leaves,check the mail,shovel snow,trim branches, wash cars,have parties walk the dogs,walk the kids, stores where closed on the weekends, etc.... Now neighborhoods seem like ghost towns. Everyone is inside locked onto a screen. Headphones do make you feel less pathetic! (I don't bring them to the gym) There are the times between sets when I walk around the gym to catch my breath, regain my strength. I intentionally don't bring a water bottle. Instead I walk to the water fountain, instead of standing there waiting, staring at the ground so I don't feel like I'm watching anyone. It's gotten that way. So cold. Like talking to anyone is out of line That's when I wish I had headphones so I don't feel pathetic!.. (Especially if you have worked with the public or volunteered and part of your job/responsibility is to greet people and make them feel welcome.) Yet ask someone, "can you show me how that works, or what part of your body does that help you with?" One of my hobbies is painting. I take my paintings outdoors with me-that includes the beach- and work on them. I wear headphones. People will stop and stand over me and watch me paint. They will say " just watching, you do great work". I don't mind at all, off come the headphones and we talk painting and other things. I have been able to talk with and meet other people including single woman at church functions. Times when we all meet outdoors, with activities for the kids. During church time? Not at all. After church and between services, I am moving pamphlets, chairs, and tables, or directing traffic. Ironically I do meet other men during these times. I can only remember once when I met a woman who volunteered to do break down or set up and we were moving tables together. Yes I do continue trying! I've had an attitude for a long time that if I approach someone, make myself vulnerable and only offer a brief surface greeting or friendship and they ,can't be bothered, don't want to be bothered, don't have time, act likes it's beneath them to speak with me, than it's really their loss anyways! It's another Fri. night approaching. Another weekend. I will go out into my town again and observe the people around me, not just from my car, but walk and sit among them, and see what happens. (It's still an odd feeling being aaround hundreds of people, yet not speaking with anyone or meeting anyone, then going home to the toxic house) |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 13:10:25 GMT -5
“Headphones do make you feel less pathetic! (I don't bring them to the gym) There are the times between sets when I walk around the gym to catch my breath, regain my strength. I intentionally don't bring a water bottle. Instead I walk to the water fountain, instead of standing there waiting, staring at the ground so I don't feel like I'm watching anyone. It's gotten that way. So cold. Like talking to anyone is out of line That's when I wish I had headphones so I don't feel pathetic!..”
Why do you feel pathetic alone at the gym? Most people except for those in classes or working out with a buddy are alone there by choice. People in general go to gyms to work out not to make friends or find dates. In general, people are sticking to their personal workout routine and have only a limited time to complete it.
As for looking at people, I learn a lot — info about correct form, new exercises, by observing others at the gym. I also enjoy lots of eye candy and inspiration. I don’t leer or stare at anyone for a long time, but I feel no reason to cast my eyes at the floor.
I wear headphones there to enjoy my own music, podcasts or books on tape. It also keeps others from interrupting my workout. I want to do my thing and then leave to enjoy the rest of my day.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 13:19:23 GMT -5
“Yes I do continue trying! I've had an attitude for a long time that if I approach someone, make myself vulnerable and only offer a brief surface greeting or friendship and they ,can't be bothered, don't want to be bothered, don't have time, act likes it's beneath them to speak with me, than it's really their loss anyways!”
Do you approach random strangers looking for some brief, pleasant chatter to enliven your day or are you looking for friendship? Most people at most will offer a surface greeting or brief exchange with a random stranger. However, that can be very pleasant. Expecting more will typically lead to disappointment. Many people who attempt extended conversations with strangers are running con games or worse.
[br
If the people you are approaching are people whom you know in passing but are, for instance helping to straighten up after a meeting, maybe they simply don’t have time then. Viewing their not talking a lot as their loss paints them in a negative way. Viewing them as preoccupied or being short of time leaves the door open for your connecting with them in the future.
]If what you seek are friendships getting involved in Meetups that interest you, volunteer organizations, community sports teams, alumni organizations are good ways to find new friends. I developed great friendships by getting involved in community theater, a meditation center and getting involved in the parents’ organization at my kids’ school.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 12, 2017 7:34:20 GMT -5
“perhaps women will treat a man differently when he is now single and available. (I'm clueless at meeting women and just thinking out loud.)” No perhaps about it. Of course virtually all women will treat a single man differently than a married man. Most women except the relatively small proportion who will be open to sexual or romantic relationships with any man view married men as: Off limits for romance, flirting or sex. After all, he’s taken! If he tries to hit on her, she will view him as: Sleazy A liar (at the least, he is lying to his wife by sneaking around. If he claims to be in a sexless or open marriage, many women will assume he is lying . Truth is the women are likely to be right because many sleazy married men lie about the state of their marriages. If she believed his marriage is sexless or so bad that they are living together only for the kids, she may assume his wife doesn’t have sex because he’s bad in bed. She also may assume that he’s a coward or values money more than freedom and that’s why he stays miserably married. She also knows that all he has to offer her are the leftovers from his marriage. She probably wants a relationship that she doesn’t have to hide. And many women are unkind to women who seem open to overtures from married men. ..,, Yes, most women view married and single men very differently. Unless she is also married. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 12, 2017 8:03:51 GMT -5
“Unless she is also married.”
When I was married even though I was in a sm, I didn’t fool around. Still, I would have viewed more negatively a married man’s making a pass at me than a single man’s doing that. I wouldn’t have welcomed either but would have thought less of the married man.
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