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Post by Caris on Oct 22, 2017 17:05:43 GMT -5
I could be wrong about this, but I'm thinking I can't relate to a man again in a sexual way. I think it's got to do with feeling safe and secure, and trusting someone to even talk about sex again, let alone do the act. I'm thinking my celibacy will continue, and any semblance of a romantic/sex life will only occur inside my head, in dreams and wishful thinking.
I guess this is it for me. I've come to the end of the post sexless marriage road. A little more than 2-years on my own, and I still haven't been out on a date. My choice because I never felt ready, but the loneliness is awful. Not just any kind of loneliness, but the same kind I endured for 25-years of my marriage, minus the rejection.
Every Sunday I would love to go for brunch with a partner, or walk holding hands, or do numerous activities together, the kind you like to do with someone special, someone you can trust, and who gets you, and you get them. I still miss this very much, but I can't see it happening, for various reasons, one being a shortage of available men in my age group, locally, and of course my own reticence to meet someone. It's complicated.
I am having a tough day, and needed a partner to share some concerns with. I needed a hug, and someone who cares about me enough that I can trust to tell, but there is no one like that, so I'm writing here instead. Just expressing my feelings and thoughts. No advice or suggestions necessary.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 22, 2017 17:37:52 GMT -5
Here's a hug for you CarisIt's not easy and it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there to have sex again. My ex was my first boyfriend and the only man I was with before my fwb but I found the courage to have sex with basically a stranger but he did a great job to make me feel comfortable and it was so worth the risk. Fortune favors the bold. Find YOUR happiness. Hugs Xoxo |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 22, 2017 18:07:57 GMT -5
I think about you often, sister Caris. I have tried to go on some dates but most haven’t panned out. The “best” result is I have made a few friends who happen to be male. I meet one man about every other Sunday for breakfast. He’s ok. Not romance material for me, but I’ve only known him a few months & we each look out for someone the other may fit with. The other friend spends many nights in my sofa. He’s a selfish lover, so we quit that after trying only twice. But even when he becomes healed enough for dating, I know he won’t be a fit for me. Still, I guess having the company of friends is better than not having that, even though I really long for more than that. I, too, had concluded recently that I think I may not get to have another relationship of the sort I hope for. I’m just so very particular & don’t wish to settle for anyone subpar. I truly believe that solo is healthier for me than settling would be. Most days, I’m mostly alright with that. Some nights, not so much. I have so much to give. But there is no one in my life, currently, who seems interested in ME, in all my glory. Sure they may like me as a friend, as a sobriety support, free counselor, ride to/from, sister-like “Buddy” ... but ... I really had hoped for more. I’m alright, but I do empathize. I love you in a spiritual way but I know that means not that much in a daily-living type of way. Still, I am grateful you post here for us to interact. I “get” you quite a lot. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 18:16:23 GMT -5
I thought I had what I wanted with Mr. Kat. No relationship is perfect - ours wasn’t. But before he just gave up on ever feeling good again, I was very happy with us. I would have been quite all right with going on the way we were forever.
Am I really so unappealing in some way that I’m not worthy of having a man both want me for sex AND take me seriously?
Maybe not. When I was still with Mr. Kat full time, my fear was that no man would ever want me again. Then some male friends from online wanted me. But that was online-fantasies only.
Then when I was allowed to date, some men wanted me. One of them even thought he was in love with me. The only problem was that I did not feel the same way about him. And yeah, I could try to force myself into it. But I know from experience that that doesn’t work.
So I’ve gone from “nobody will ever want me” to “nobody will ever want me IRL” to “nobody I could want, seems to want me IRL.”
That’s a better class of problems to have, but in a superficial way. If all I cared about was impressing people, having people think, “Wow - men want her!” - I could do that. I guess I should be grateful; that’s probably no mean feat at the age of 53.
But no. I have to be greedy and want the real feelings, even more than I want the appearances.
I had it with Mr. Kat. I’m beginning to think maybe you only get one or two chances at that. Maybe I’ve used up all my chances.
If that’s true, I really hope my life isn’t very long. Yes, I’m better off than a lot of people. I have a job, friends, etc. I am making the effort to go out and do things. But that still isn’t enough. At the end of the day, I’m still home alone. But if I let just anybody fill that space - that won’t work either. Guys are not interchangeable parts. I don’t just want a warm body here with me - it has to be the right warm body.
So, I hope for a short life, because right now, I’m subsisting on crumbs and not getting a real meal. I want either a short life; or to know for sure that I will get that real meal. Or failing those two things, maybe a lobotomy?
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 22, 2017 19:35:50 GMT -5
Hugs to Caris , and everyone who posted here. I have been feeling similar feelings now that I'm out of my SM. Well, I've been out a few years and am feeling like I want to date, but so afraid of actually dating that I can't bring myself to start trying. Not that I hide out every night and weekend, I stay busy and am socially active. I go out by myself or with friends to different activities and events. I still feel that no one IRL would want to be with me, and that I will always end up being the friend without a romantic attachment at any point in the near future. Of course this brings up so many insecurities that are from before the SM, and those strike at the loneliest points of way too much alone time. Sometimes I have to force myself to go out, and am usually glad I did; even if I don't meet anyone, I have fun with my friends. Anyway, thanks to all who shared; we need each others' support at whatever stage we are at in this whole living in/surviving after leaving a sexless marriage. |
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Post by baza on Oct 22, 2017 19:54:06 GMT -5
I reckon there's a huge amount of truth in what you've said above here Sister misssunnybunny - "Of course this brings up so many insecurities that are from before the SM...." In my situation, I think that my insecurities etc played a major role in who I ended up with, then those same insecurities etc played a major role in holding me in that situation, then those same insecurities played a major role in stalling my exit. And - had Ms enna not stumbled into the picture - I daresay that those same insecurities etc would have continued to beset me as a single bloke. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 22, 2017 20:42:31 GMT -5
I reckon there's a huge amount of truth in what you've said above here Sister misssunnybunny - "Of course this brings up so many insecurities that are from before the SM...." In my situation, I think that my insecurities etc played a major role in who I ended up with, then those same insecurities etc played a major role in holding me in that situation, then those same insecurities played a major role in stalling my exit. And - had Ms enna not stumbled into the picture - I daresay that those same insecurities etc would have continued to beset me as a single bloke. What is good is that now I know these insecurities and can challenge them (most of the time,  ). I feel that the SM has helped me recognize what led me there in the first place, and I can, hopefully, avoid the same path and eventually find a happy, healthy relationship. |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 23, 2017 0:05:57 GMT -5
...I am having a tough day, and needed a partner to share some concerns with. I needed a hug, and someone who cares about me enough that I can trust to tell, but there is no one like that, so I'm writing here instead. Just expressing my feelings and thoughts. No advice or suggestions necessary. My heart breaks for you, Caris. I know it is not the same, but, cyber-hugs from all of us. If it matters, I still have hope for you. That goes for you, also, @smartkat, @geekgoddess, and misssunnybunny. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 23, 2017 7:40:59 GMT -5
Thanks, ironhamster - I do have hope pop up at times, still. I just know that out of the marriage & single is still better than if I had stayed. It won’t matter if I manage to find “the impossible dream” partner or not - I am reasonably happy with finally getting a college education, making my own way in the world, & not having to drink over it. Yes there is still more I’d like in my life, but being out from the emotional abuse is a huge improvement all by itself for me. Even if I never find the kind of relationship I would like with another person, my relationship with self is vastly improved. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 23, 2017 14:08:03 GMT -5
...I am having a tough day, and needed a partner to share some concerns with. I needed a hug, and someone who cares about me enough that I can trust to tell, but there is no one like that, so I'm writing here instead. Just expressing my feelings and thoughts. No advice or suggestions necessary. My heart breaks for you, Caris. I know it is not the same, but, cyber-hugs from all of us. If it matters, I still have hope for you. That goes for you, also, @smartkat, @geekgoddess, and misssunnybunny. Thank you. I felt so sad reading the posts from GeekGoddess, @smartkat, and misssunnybunny. My heart aches for us all. I really have no words, except thank you to everyone for good wishes. I hope we each find the comfort and love we need in this life. It’s hard living without it. |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 23, 2017 14:12:19 GMT -5
Wish I had the right words, but I tend to say the wrong thing in these posts. So I will just say, I am sorry you are having a tough go of things right now. Take care!
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Post by Caris on Oct 23, 2017 21:49:53 GMT -5
Wish I had the right words, but I tend to say the wrong thing in these posts. So I will just say, I am sorry you are having a tough go of things right now. Take care! You said the right words. Thank you. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2017 11:26:07 GMT -5
I feel part of your tribe, caris, smartkat, @geekgoddess, and misssunnybunny. It’s only a few months since divorce for me and the
loneliness/isolation is worse than the 20yrs of sm.
When I was about 10yrs old I used to visit my cousins for the weekend sometimes, my lovely auntie was a single mother to 6 children.
And one of the pictures that has stayed in my head is of my auntie popping across the road on a Saturday evening sometimes to visit her
neighbour, Fred.
They would sit on the sofa together in front of the TV, a glass of guiness each and her head would be on his shoulder and his arm would be around her.
They weren’t lovers, just 2 people undergoing hard times. I now understand that need they had for human connection and touch.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 11:29:45 GMT -5
"They weren’t lovers, just 2 people undergoing hard times. I now understand that need they had for human connection and touch."
How do you know they weren't lovers? I'm in my late 60s so probably am older than you. People were far more secretive and discrete about having unmarried sex back then. If word had gotten out that she were having unmarried sex, she might have been viewed as an unfit mom. Her kids might have been shunned.... Whatever her sexual situation, it's good that she was able to get some support from a friend.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2017 11:55:05 GMT -5
"They weren’t lovers, just 2 people undergoing hard times. I now understand that need they had for human connection and touch." How do you know they weren't lovers? Quite a few reasons why I know - too many to go in to here really but this was in the 50s early 60s long before Social services were barely off the ground then but there was nothing untoward in visiting a neighbour or living in sin even then. Fred was only home at weekends he worked away with his job - we kids were in and out of the house all the time. My aunt never spent a night over at Fred’s house nor vice versa. Snap, I’m late 60s too.  |
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). I feel that the SM has helped me recognize what led me there in the first place, and I can, hopefully, avoid the same path and eventually find a happy, healthy relationship.
