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Post by Caris on Oct 26, 2017 23:00:33 GMT -5
I feel part of your tribe, caris, smartkat, @geekgoddess, and misssunnybunny. It’s only a few months since divorce for me and the loneliness/isolation is worse than the 20yrs of sm. When I was about 10yrs old I used to visit my cousins for the weekend sometimes, my lovely auntie was a single mother to 6 children. And one of the pictures that has stayed in my head is of my auntie popping across the road on a Saturday evening sometimes to visit her neighbour, Fred. They would sit on the sofa together in front of the TV, a glass of guiness each and her head would be on his shoulder and his arm would be around her. They weren’t lovers, just 2 people undergoing hard times. I now understand that need they had for human connection and touch. I feel for you, Rosie. The first year is the worst (or was for me), so you are newly single and that pain is fresh. It’s very hard. It does ease up as time passes. I suppose we just learn to deal with the loneliness better. Hugs, and welcome to the tribe. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2017 14:53:16 GMT -5
Thankyou, caris, it is tough going.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2017 9:51:50 GMT -5
And THIS is why I hate breakups in general and try to avoid them at all costs. I’m never one of the lucky bastards who finds the right one quickly after that. No, I’m always one of the ones who’s left alone (or with a string of guys who don’t work out) until a looooong time after the original breakup. To the point where I wonder whether I’ve used up my last chance.
With that kind of experience in my history, no wonder I want to hang on. I know from past experience that if I break up with somebody who was really great (at least for a while), I’m setting myself up for a long period of being alone afterwards.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 28, 2017 10:07:41 GMT -5
And THIS is why I hate breakups in general and try to avoid them at all costs. I’m never one of the lucky bastards who finds the right one quickly after that. No, I’m always one of the ones who’s left alone (or with a string of guys who don’t work out) until a looooong time after the original breakup. To the point where I wonder whether I’ve used up my last chance. With that kind of experience in my history, no wonder I want to hang on. I know from past experience that if I break up with somebody who was really great (at least for a while), I’m setting myself up for a long period of being alone afterwards. Same here. Divorced 4 years ago. I'm still alone (although for a while I *wanted* to be alone). He's already remarried. I knew after leaving it would take me a long time to meet someone, but not quite this long.... |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 28, 2017 11:22:22 GMT -5
“And THIS is why I hate breakups in general and try to avoid them at all costs. I’m never one of the lucky bastards who finds the right one quickly after that.”
Many who think they found the right one after a breakup are people who can’t stand being alone so settle for Mr. or ms right now. I used to be like that. I could not imagine living without a man. I felt like a nothing when not attached. I even had attempted suicide over my first breakup. To leave my marriage, I had to get to the point in which I knew I’d be happier permanently single than remaining married. While I did end up in a relationship quickly, he really is a man I want to be with. I would walk without hesitation if our relationship no longer was what I wanted. Being single for me is better than being in an inadequate relationship.
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Post by Caris on Oct 28, 2017 15:23:41 GMT -5
And THIS is why I hate breakups in general and try to avoid them at all costs. I’m never one of the lucky bastards who finds the right one quickly after that. No, I’m always one of the ones who’s left alone (or with a string of guys who don’t work out) until a looooong time after the original breakup. To the point where I wonder whether I’ve used up my last chance. With that kind of experience in my history, no wonder I want to hang on. I know from past experience that if I break up with somebody who was really great (at least for a while), I’m setting myself up for a long period of being alone afterwards. Kat, I know what you mean. There was a 30-year gap between who I will call my soulmate, and unfortunately died young, and my second soulmate, who I met on EP, and lived on the other side of the world, and ultimately was unavailable for various reasons. In between, I had a few dates and a couple of relationships with men who really were not good for me. I didn’t know better, so hung on to bad relationships, including 25-years SM. I know better now, but I also know it could be 30-more years to meet a man that I really click with. I’ll be in my 90s (if I’m still alive), so I really have given up on meeting a guy who is compatible with me. Of course, it could happen tomorrow, but based on history and how narrow the market is for me at this age, I don’t think the chances are high, in fact, I think they are very low. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2017 16:44:42 GMT -5
I think this is a good time for me to shut up. None of the things I’m thinking is what anybody wants to hear.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 28, 2017 21:41:26 GMT -5
I think this is a good time for me to shut up. None of the things I’m thinking is what anybody wants to hear. Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I like reading your posts and hope you continue to share. {{hugs}} |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 29, 2017 0:29:32 GMT -5
I've been thinking about the concept of finding The One. How many of us have ever found a person whom we think is our perfect partner? If so, was that really the case? I was deeply in love with my college boyfriend, and mourned our breakup for years. Looking back, I not only realize that he was a selfish lover who cared only about his getting off, he was a very narcissistic person. About 10 years after we broke up, I found old love letters he'd sent me. Every one of them contained just his bragging about how wonderful he was, how many women had flirted with him, etc. The letters were odes to himself
Other boyfriends I had were: cheaters, a secret embezzler, a verbal abuser, a guy whom I felt no chemistry with, and a guy who was completely boring in and out of bed. The man I married was a decent match, but there were things about him that I found boring. My husband whom I was with for 36 years was overall a good match for me even with his low libido, but over the years, we became more different. I was more independent, open, gregarious and in touch with my sexuality. He became more interested in and attached to Asian culture to the point of deciding to retire in Asia.
I don't think virtually anyone finds perfect partners whom they are happy with for decades. People change. Someone who is a good match at one point in one's life may not be a good match 10 years later. I think that one is lucky if one has found one good match in one's life and that match lasts a few years.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 3:17:13 GMT -5
I've been thinking about the concept of finding The One. How many of us have ever found a person whom we think is our perfect partner? If so, was that really the case? I was deeply in love with my college boyfriend, and mourned our breakup for years. Looking back, I not only realize that he was a selfish lover who cared only about his getting off, he was a very narcissistic person. About 10 years after we broke up, I found old love letters he'd sent me. Every one of them contained just his bragging about how wonderful he was, how many women had flirted with him, etc. The letters were odes to himself Other boyfriends I had were: cheaters, a secret embezzler, a verbal abuser, a guy whom I felt no chemistry with, and a guy who was completely boring in and out of bed. The man I married was a decent match, but there were things about him that I found boring. My husband whom I was with for 36 years was overall a good match for me even with his low libido, but over the years, we became more different. I was more independent, open, gregarious and in touch with my sexuality. He became more interested in and attached to Asian culture to the point of deciding to retire in Asia. I don't think virtually anyone finds perfect partners whom they are happy with for decades. People change. Someone who is a good match at one point in one's life may not be a good match 10 years later. I think that one is lucky if one has found one good match in one's life and that match lasts a few years. I think that this whole idea of 'the one' is very suspect. For me, it seemed to start cropping up in popular culture about 20 years ago - in film and TV especially and it is damaging. It is great for the creators of a story arc that will work within a hour and a half movie but I think it creates false expectations in people. If statistically it is laughable - 9 billion people on the planet divided in two still leaves 4.5 billion (I apologise to bisexuals) and only one of those is truly a match for you...? Romantically it must be so damaging to so many. I agree - we all change over time; some couples (I suspect a very small minority) change together, a bigger chunk negotiate those changes with varying degrees of success and some don't manage those changes - divorcing/separating or continuing to live together in misery. |
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Post by baza on Oct 29, 2017 4:23:04 GMT -5
I reckon there being only "one" is a rather flawed position too.
My (ex and now deceased) missus and I were a pretty good match for 5 or 6 years'. Problem was, that we were actually married for 30 years.
She changed.
I changed.
"We" changed.
The dynamic changed.
I further speculate that had my treasured Ms enna and I had met when we were in our 20's (with our attitudes then) that we would not have given each other a second glance.
The "right" people come into your life at the "right" time I believe.
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 29, 2017 5:31:46 GMT -5
It's to be hoped
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2017 10:24:50 GMT -5
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in a bad part of my life right now (starting in about 2013) and all I can do is keep my head down and try not to make it any worse. Try to be very good at my job, pay all my bills on time, and be pleasant and polite to people.
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Post by Caris on Oct 29, 2017 17:57:58 GMT -5
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m in a bad part of my life right now (starting in about 2013) and all I can do is keep my head down and try not to make it any worse. Try to be very good at my job, pay all my bills on time, and be pleasant and polite to people. I live by these principles, after hearing a lecture by Jordan Peterson: If in a bad situation, at least do all you can not to make it worse. Then look at what you can do to make it better, or at least to diminish the suffering. It may be a small thing, but you do what you can to make it a little more bearable, and start there. I think you have it, Kat. You are doing what you can to make your life better (or not make it worse), and that’s all anyone can do. Hugs. |
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Post by Caris on Oct 29, 2017 17:59:03 GMT -5
I think this is a good time for me to shut up. None of the things I’m thinking is what anybody wants to hear. I always want to hear what you have to say. |
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