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Post by tirefire on Oct 2, 2017 17:22:22 GMT -5
"Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer." 134 days. Tick, tock... I honestly am not be cheeky here but 134 days until what action? Edit: totally misread that. Thought you were saying 134 days until you do something not since the last time. Sorry, man. I shouldn't post pre-caffine Caffeine is a wonderful thing. 😁 |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 10, 2017 22:26:23 GMT -5
"Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer." 134 days. Tick, tock... 8 years and 2 months....tick f-ing tock |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 11, 2017 2:09:52 GMT -5
My stbx refuser is a narcissist - I only learnt what a narcissist is since being here. She is a control freak and if the control fails she switches to angry near psychopathic behaviour and she also diverts analysis onto me by saying I'm the control freak (which I'm not).I asked her to explain why I'm the controller not so long ago and all she could come up with was I had refused to buy a new piece of furniture. Her mind games have been at times so conflicting at times its a pure mind fuck at best. I gave up requesting sex some 10 years ago I'd lost any desire towards her by then anyway. I've never confronted her with how much time has passed since the last time but suspect like so many others here it wouldn't even register. I've wondered on occasion in the past if she is gay but don't think she is so deduce that what she wanted from it all had nothing to do with love or sharing life with another human being at all. I'm at the can't wait to escape stage in order to do just that
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 14:50:56 GMT -5
Same here, I'm selfish, I don't care, all I want is sex. She always has to be right, any opposition is met with screaming yelling and throwing things. If any of those things were true I wouldn't have stuck around. Now I know why I'm sticking around, and her mind games and berating doesn't affect me any more. The connection is severed, I don't care about her feelings, she's treated me like shit for 10 years without a care, so it's time for her to get a reality check. I have just know started keeping track of our intamacy,this year we're up to once.
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Post by cheesecake on Oct 13, 2017 15:40:21 GMT -5
Same here, I'm selfish, I don't care, all I want is sex. She always has to be right, any opposition is met with screaming yelling and throwing things. If any of those things were true I wouldn't have stuck around. Now I know why I'm sticking around, and her mind games and berating doesn't affect me any more. The connection is severed, I don't care about her feelings, she's treated me like shit for 10 years without a care, so it's time for her to get a reality check. I have just know started keeping track of our intamacy,this year we're up to once. I think I might do this too, just to reassure myself I'm not going mad. Up to now I've used a vague "how long did that pack of condoms last" yardstick but it strikes me something more exact would focus my mind a little better - as if it needs much more focusing ...... |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 13, 2017 16:42:59 GMT -5
Keep in mind that keeping track of sexual intimacy with your mate provides proof of their lack of sexual love for you. It does not light a fire under them to fuck you. The calendar that tells you it has been too long since you had sex reminds them it hasn't been long enough.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 13, 2017 18:57:37 GMT -5
Lol, true but I don't really think I could have sex at this point. It's really weird, last like two months, I have no attraction to her, like zero, kinda freaks me out a bit. But whatever, not like I need it right lol.
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Post by M2G on Oct 14, 2017 5:59:46 GMT -5
"Joking aside, if sex isn't important to you, it's easy to "lose track of time". If it is important to you, you measure, count milestones, and simmer." 134 days. Tick, tock... 8 years and 2 months....tick f-ing tock I like that (the way you put it, not the situation): 6 years 7 months tick f-ing tock |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2017 19:38:29 GMT -5
My H and I had another BIG conversation. He actually told me that I was being so "harsh" and that if we needed to talk about it I needed to talk from a "relationship perspective" instead of from my own pain and experience. He told me that my approach was not something that would promote growth.
He also told me that he has always had deep seated insecurity around sex and that I made that worse when I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I was not satisfied with our sex life/ his desire. He recalled that I told him I had amazing sexual experiences before him and that made him feel that he could not live up to it. He admitted I did not directly compare and he has never heard much about past relationships but he felt that just knowing I had crazy passionate sex in the past made him too insecure.
Now, I am wise enough to know I do not need to take responsibility for his insecurities. However, it does have me adding another element to the "things I have done that have lead to this moment."
Darkstippedrose I am actually with you on not even wanting sex with my H anymore. I feel like I am pushing for counselling and self work and growth but I don't even know what my goal is anymore.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 14, 2017 20:52:04 GMT -5
He also told me that he has always had deep seated insecurity around sex and that I made that worse when I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I was not satisfied with our sex life/ his desire. He recalled that I told him I had amazing sexual experiences before him and that made him feel that he could not live up to it. He admitted I did not directly compare and he has never heard much about past relationships but he felt that just knowing I had crazy passionate sex in the past made him too insecure. Boo hoo. So he should do something about it, or be man enough to admit this is as good as it'll get and accept the consequences. Newsflash, dude: the passion you see on screen isn't all Hollywood exaggeration; people have passionate relationships in real life. You're coming from a position grounded in reality. You know how intimate a relationship can be. Shame on you for being informed and knowing what to expect? I don't think so. ETA: Incidentally, his comment about discussing it from a "relationship perspective"... that's called deflection. He's trying to minimize your issue and try to make it seem insignificant in the "big picture" of the relationship. Tell you what... offer him all the food and water he needs, but he has to go without oxygen. I mean, in the big picture, it's just one little facet, right? |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 14, 2017 21:05:10 GMT -5
My H and I had another BIG conversation. He actually told me that I was being so "harsh" and that if we needed to talk about it I needed to talk from a "relationship perspective" instead of from my own pain and experience. He told me that my approach was not something that would promote growth. He also told me that he has always had deep seated insecurity around sex and that I made that worse when I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I was not satisfied with our sex life/ his desire. He recalled that I told him I had amazing sexual experiences before him and that made him feel that he could not live up to it. He admitted I did not directly compare and he has never heard much about past relationships but he felt that just knowing I had crazy passionate sex in the past made him too insecure. Now, I am wise enough to know I do not need to take responsibility for his insecurities. However, it does have me adding another element to the "things I have done that have lead to this moment." Darkstippedrose I am actually with you on not even wanting sex with my H anymore. I feel like I am pushing for counselling and self work and growth but I don't even know what my goal is anymore. jenm,.. I would suggest you post this as a separate thread to your own ongoing SM experience. I think you will likely generate a number of replies as members get more familiar with your story. I will reply to the last sentence. If you read enough you are likely to come across the suggestion that it takes about one year for every 5 years one has been in a SM to recover, heal and generally get one's own head back in the right place. That's just about how long it took me. I think perhaps that might be where counselling might benefit you most. Helping you figure out what your goal(s) should be. Due diligence in the areas of self worth and growth are 2 good places to start. As the inner jenm emerges from the work you do on yourself the path you need to take will become clear for you. |
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Post by M2G on Oct 15, 2017 6:18:52 GMT -5
My H and I had another BIG conversation. He actually told me that I was being so "harsh" and that if we needed to talk about it I needed to talk from a "relationship perspective" instead of from my own pain and experience. He told me that my approach was not something that would promote growth. He also told me that he has always had deep seated insecurity around sex and that I made that worse when I told him in the beginning of our relationship that I was not satisfied with our sex life/ his desire. He recalled that I told him I had amazing sexual experiences before him and that made him feel that he could not live up to it. He admitted I did not directly compare and he has never heard much about past relationships but he felt that just knowing I had crazy passionate sex in the past made him too insecure. Now, I am wise enough to know I do not need to take responsibility for his insecurities. However, it does have me adding another element to the "things I have done that have lead to this moment." Darkstippedrose I am actually with you on not even wanting sex with my H anymore. I feel like I am pushing for counselling and self work and growth but I don't even know what my goal is anymore. He is taking what I imagine are two or more conversations and wrapping them together to use as a weapon. I will bet a million dollars that you didn't say: "I've had better than you in bed buddy - so you better get down and up your game." Bigger issue: he has no empathy for your pain. Read that again: He has no empathy for your pain.
He knows nothing of "growth" if he can't accept that you had a LIFE before you met him. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 9:03:27 GMT -5
"I feel like I am pushing for counselling and self work and growth but I don't even know what my goal is anymore. "
Get individual counseling for yourself so you can develop the insights to take steps leading to a happier life for you. Those steps will include taking responsibility for your own happiness.
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